My life is falling apart.
I’m thousands of dollars in debt because of my car.
I work long hours for little pay at a thankless job.
And now I can add gingivitis to my list.
And it’s not even my fault. That’s what kills me.
You see, it turns out I have a shitty dentist (or used to, I’m totally switching).
For years, I’ve been seeing this Tom Cruise look-alike. He never really paid much attention to my teeth. For years, I had been telling him about a clear, hard substance on my teeth, near my gums, that just wouldn’t come off with any amount of brushing/flossing. He acted like it was nothing. And I let him do that because I was always blinded by his sexy Jerry Maguire grin.
Out of curiosity, I went to a periodontist a couple weeks ago to see if he could tell me what was wrong. And after one appointment, this doctor (who looks like Richard Nixon) already knew the problem. It turns out that I still had glue from my braces stuck to a few of my teeth, near the gum line. Nixon was shocked my dentist hadn’t caught it after all these years. (I had my braces taken off in 2001).
And Nixon is nice (he calls me “Tooty Fruity”...although he has never offered an explanation why). He seems a lot more concerned about my well being than Tom ever did.
So today I went in for my big appointment—the process of getting the glue taken off my teeth. It required the staff to numb my lips with a strange lotion and then numb my gums with a needle injection. Even after all the numbing, it still hurt like hell.
After the operation, my whole face felt swollen and I could not talk. (Nixon: “How are you feeling, Tooty Fruity?” Me: “Gurggggh” Nixon: “That’s great!”)
I went into the bathroom to fix my makeup and view the damage. I looked into the mirror and gasped.
I looked like Angelina Jolie! It was a miracle!
I quickly rushed back to the periodontist office and waved down Nixon’s assistant.
“Gurgg gugg gugg grgggg gug grggg? Gug grgggg!” (“What did you use on my lips? It’s fabulous!”). She stared at me blankly. I continued, “Gugg grrrg?” (“Do you sell it?”). She figured out what I was saying and scowled. “That numbing solution is for medical purposes only. It will wear off in two to three hours. It is NOT for sale,” she said.
Disappointed, I left.
I spent the next 30 minutes sitting in my car, staring at myself in the mirror, making pouty faces and lavishing in my Muppet mouth glory.
When I got to work, one the advertising executives rushed to my side.
“You look like Angelina Jolie!” she squealed, further cementing the fact I needed to get my hands on more numbing solution.
“What lip plumper do you use?” she asked.
I gurgled the reason for my Jolie smackers.
“You should totally see if you can purchase that stuff over the counter,” she told me.
I rolled my eyes. “Gah gugrl, grr?” (“I know, right?”).
After an hour my lips started to deflate.
And then I became Jennifer again.
I already have a follow-up appointment scheduled. Nixon said the glue gave me a bout of gingivitis but after a few weeks, I should be back to normal. Yay! And maybe I can get my hands on more numbing solution….
I wouldn’t be able to talk any more if I used it on a regular basis, but that doesn’t matter because I would be so fab, I wouldn’t have to.
Wish me luck!
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