The WORST movies I've ever seen!

Over the past week, I have reviewed a couple films that I absolutely adored.

Now, I'm going to share five films I've seen in the past year that have made me shudder. They are the worst movies I have ever seen, whether by accident or complete misjudgement on my part. And when you read my categorized descriptions, you will see why.

Enjoy!

Trog

In a nutshell: Joan Crawford says the word "sperm."

Premise: An anthropologist discovers a half-man, half-ape, who miraculously survived the Ice Age, and she attempts to domesticate him, much to the grief of local authorities.



Favorite quote: "You know what they'll say? They'll say that Trog has a very nasty temper. But what can you expect from a slimy beast? Go ahead, missing link -- if that's what you are you should be missing. You bloody monster!"

Additional thoughts: As a huge fan of the legendary Hollywood glamour queen Joan Crawford, I am appalled and dismayed that this poor-quality, laughable science-fiction film was her last job as an actress.


The Day of the Triffids (1981)


In a nutshell: Giant rhubarb attacks blind people.

Premise: In this 1981 BBC mini-series, a comet blinds everyone in the world and large carnivorous plants go on a human killing spree. Bill and Jo, two soulmates who find each other amidst the chaos, are among the very few humans left who still have sight. It is up to them to save the world!



Adaptations: This mini-series is actually one of several adaptations of the 1951 best-selling science fiction novel, of the same name. There is a 1962 film, a 2009 mini-series (co-starring Vanessa Redgrave and Jason Priestly, of all odd combinations), and an upcoming film version rumored to be directed by Spiderman box-office sensation, Sam Raimi.

Additional thoughts: If you have a soft spot for terrible special effects, cheesy dialogue, and unbelievable romantic chemistry, this mini-series will not disappoint.


Zardoz

In a nutshell: Sean Connery wears a red leather thong in a futuristic land.

Premise: In the future, Earth has two distinct social classes: barbarians who live in slave-like conditions, and psychic geniuses, who control everything. Zed (a barbarian) crosses over into the other world, discovering secrets which could destroy it.



Sex Ed: The beautiful actress Charlotte Rampling has a random, lengthy monologue about penises.

Additional thoughts: Sean Connery's plethora of body hair practically creates a second main character in the film.


Malibu High


In a nutshell: When good girls go bad.

Premise: A high school senior gets dumped by her boyfriend and she becomes so unhappy, her grades start to suffer. Naturally, the only solution to raising her grade point average is to seduce her male teachers. Which, of course, leads to drug addiction and prostitution. The only logical conclusion is for her to become an assassin for a kingpin mob boss.



Soft-core porn: There is nudity. And it's the 70s. So, in other words, it's kind of a disgusting mess.

Additional thoughts: I bought this VHS movie at a garage sale for 25 cents, thinking it was going to be a cute, thoughtless teen comedy. The box had no description to tell me otherwise. Needless to say, I was horrified when I eventually watched it.


They Saved Hitler's Brain



In a nutshell: Film student footage added to a really bad movie.

Premise: After World War II, Nazis hide Adolf Hitler's head in a remote South American country, so they can resurrect the Third Reich for the future.



Bad editing: In 1969, UCLA film students were asked to shoot additional footage for a science fiction movie which had been filmed a decade earlier. Filmmakers then fused the student footage with the professional footage, to create this film. Unfortunately, the student footage is not only excruciatingly terrible, but it doesn't match up with the older film footage AT ALL.

Additional thoughts: Despite its poor quality and incomprehensible plot, the film has achieved cult status, especially to the producers of The Simpsons. The animated television show mercilessly mocks this film throughout various episodes.


Have you seen any of these?!

Jonny, me, & The Artist

My Jonny Bunny is here for a couple weeks! It has definitely raised my happy level by quite a few points. :)

Over the weekend, we went on a fabulous date. We dined at our favorite Middle Eastern restaurant, caught a movie at a historical theater, and then went back to his dad's house for martinis. It was lovely.

The movie we saw was The Artist. And I highly recommend you all see it, because it is spectacular!



The Artist is a 2011 French silent film, which takes place in 1927. It is one of the most breathtakingly beautiful and heartfelt romantic comedies I have ever seen.



The supremely delicious Jean Dujardin plays George Valentin, who is a dashing, sexy, and comedic silent film star in Hollywood.



The stunningly gorgeous Bérénice Bejo plays Peppy Miller, a struggling actress with a heart of gold.



The two accidentally meet and form a special bond that proves to be beneficial to both of them throughout the years.



The acting in this movie by both main stars is admirable. Words are not needed to read the emotions their faces accurately convey. Another notable performance is by John Goodman, who plays a movie director.



And since most of you already know about my unhealthy obsession with the 1920s, what review of mine would be complete without gushing over the wardrobe?! The flapper-esque 1920s style outfits Peppy Miller parades in throughout the film are quite delicious!

The music throughout the film is also divine, adding just as much depth to the plot as the acting.



Overall, The Artist is a gem. I can honestly say it is one of my favorite movies of all time. It is just that good. I hope you will see it.

Callas Forever

I love Jeremy Irons. Maria Callas is one of the most fabulous icons in history.

So, I was pretty delighted when my long-time blogging buddy Rachel, over at Da Paura, asked me to review a favorite film of hers, Callas Forever.



The 2002 film focuses on the last days of the beautiful, stylish, and famed opera singer, Maria Callas during the 1970s.



The 53-year-old is struggling with depression and the loss of her iconic voice, but an old friend (Jeremy Irons) tries to bring her success back to life, with the use of new technology and lip-syncing.



European movie star Fanny Ardant is the gem of this film. Her stunning beauty and elegant demeanor bring a middle-aged Maria to life on screen, in the most flattering way possible. She conveys the emotionally distressed opera singer superbly, with as much grace and heartache as she could muster. It is a heart-wrenching performance.



I hate to say it, but Fanny definitely over-shadowed my beloved Jeremy Irons in the film. As the flamboyantly gay music promoter Larry, Jeremy is a little wooden in his performance. But this may be simply because I'm more critical of him, as he is one of my most favorite actors.



No amount of acting in this film, however, could take my eyes off the main star: the fashion. Fanny's wardrobe was entirely provided by Chanel for the film. Her outfits were spectacularly delicious. It is a lustful sight for any fashionista, whether you like the film or not.



Overall, I think Callas Forever is a great watch. It offers an interesting glimpse into the life of a legend who is not very well known today.



The only complaint I have is that this film left me wanting more. Not more of the film, but more of Maria Callas.



I didn't know much about Maria before watching the film, and now I am dying to know her entire life story. I want to buy recordings of her music. I want to pour over photos of the Chanel-clad diva. I want the entire experience.



So, immediately after seeing the film, I ordered a biography of the gorgeous opera singer online. I can't wait to start reading it!

I definitely recommend Callas Forever. Thank you Rachel for the excellent suggestion!

Night of the Hunter

First, I want thank all of you for the best-wishes yesterday.

I wish I could say Rian and I had some elaborate, amazing celebration, but unfortunately, lack of finances prevented us from doing so. We merely went out for dinner and a few drinks. We're saving up money to do something spectacular six months from now.



We did, however, cozy up on the couch and watch a fantastic movie.

Rian's friend, who is a film professor at a local university, suggested Night of the Hunter to us.



This 1955 sadistic fairytale is way ahead of its time. It focuses on religious hypocrisy, blind greed, and inexcusable ignorance.



Dashing cinema hunk Robert Mitchum plays the psychotic preacher Harry Powell. During a prison stint, he bunks with a bank robber, who is rumored to have stashed $10,000 somewhere. Upon his release, Harry goes to the robber's hometown and courts his grieving widow to obtain the money. Only her young children stand in the way between him and the fortune...



As the preacher, Robert Mitchum is without a doubt one of the most frightening villains in Hollywood history. His calm demeanor mixed with hollow, menacing eyes are enough to make your skin crawl. His haunting voice serenading the children with a sinister lullaby adds to the horror.



The film itself is a work of art. The cinematography is stunning, creating a surrealistic atmosphere. The striking symbolism sprinkled throughout the plot and the scenery make it seem almost magical.



The lighting in this film also steals the show. Shadows and moonlight are like actors in a way, setting the scene and hinting at danger. To put it simply, it is a beautiful film to watch.



I was astonished to learn that when this film came out, it was a critical failure. It was the first film of aspiring-director Charles Laughton. The reviews were so bad, Charles never directed another film again. He was so disappointed.



But 50-some years later, audiences are re-discovering the gem and calling it one of the greatest movies ever made. I believe movie-watchers in the 1950s simply were not ready for this film yet. Nothing like it had existed before. It was too creepy. The studio tried selling it as a horror-romance, when it was really a horror film about children. Which confused people.



If you enjoy old movies, crave suspense, and appreciate cinematic beauty, I highly recommend Night of the Hunter.

If you do end up watching it, let me know what you think!

Top 5 Horror Films You Probably Haven't Seen

There are a gazillion horror films out there. And I'm not gonna lie, I've seen most of them.

This Halloween, I'm going to be snuggling on the couch with my boyfriend and pigging out on junk food, with my eyes glued to the screen while we watch scary movies. To me, that is the perfect way to celebrate on a chilly fall night.

In honor of Halloween, I've decided to list five horror films I think you should know exist. You're not going to see The Exorcist or Scream on here, because this isn't a boring list. It's an awesome list.

Let's start, shall we?

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956): Best classic horror film


Body Snatchers takes place in a picturesque 1950s world where martinis after work are mandatory and everybody is perfect...or are they?

The plot centers around Dr. Bennell, who returns home to discover many of his patients fear their loved ones are impostors. He decides to investigate the complaints and comes to a shocking discovery.

Not only is this an entertaining horror film, it also perfectly embodies the atmosphere 1950s America was facing at the time: fear of outsiders and fear of government repression.


Teeth (2007): Weirdest horror film


This film is about a girl with a killer pussy.

And I'm not talking about a cat.

It focuses on a coming-of-age girl who has teeth in her you-know-what.

Now, you're probably thinking Teeth is X-rated and a cheap trick. But it's not! This film is actually quite modest, given it's content, and it is a really good film. Not so-bad-it's-good, but good good!

You are just going to have to trust me. I will say no more.


Pan's Labyrinth (2006): Most beautiful horror film


This magical dark fairytale is so visually stunning, it is jaw-dropping.

The plot revolves around a young girl living in post-fascist Spain. She meets a fairy who tells her she is a princess, but in order to claim her crown, she needs to complete three gruesome tasks.

Words cannot describe how much I adore this whimsical, breathtaking horror film.

It is a must-see.


The Last House on the Left (1972): Most realistic horror film


Do not watch this movie.

I had the misfortune of not knowing what The Last House on the Left was about before I saw it. I was completely repulsed, shocked, and dismayed. When this film came out in theaters, during the early 1970s, many audience members fainted and some even had heart attacks. It is still banned in several countries to this day. It's that awful.

But I'm very serious when I say that I will not hesitate to show my teenage daughter this film one day. It is the best after-school special in the world.


Leprechaun (1993): Stupidest horror film


I'm not sure what makes this movie scarier: the cheesy dialogue or Jennifer Aniston's old nose. JUST KIDDING. Jennifer Aniston's film debut is a treat for viewers of this Irish-inspired gem.

The plot focuses around a severely unattractive and evil Leprechaun who goes on a killing spree to find his beloved pot of gold.

This movie is so bad, it's delicious. When I was in high school, my best friend Allison and I had Leprechaun sleepovers, where we stayed up all night watching all his dirty little adventures. In the sequels, the silly little fellow goes on killing sprees in "the hood," Las Vegas, New York City, and even outer space!


Will you see any of these films on Halloween night?

Jonny's Pick: Humoresque

"Here's to love...and here's to the time when we were little girls, and no one asked us to marry."



I recently saw another film my darling Jonathan picked out for me. It is the 1946 movie, Humoresque, starring Joan Crawford and John Garfield.



Humoresque follows the tale of Paul Boray, a struggling violinist, desperate to be part of the classical music scene.



He is discovered by a wealthy married socialite, Helen Wright. She is enchanted by his talent and sets out to make him a star.



The two embark on a playful affair.



But sex quickly turns to love.



Their romance in doomed from the very start. After all, Helen is married and has been married twice before. Paul's close knit family does not approve of his romance with the ball-busting alcoholic heiress.



Helen also quickly learns that loving a musician is an incredibly difficult task. She will always play second fiddle to his first love, the violin. Plus, the more successful Paul gets, the more obsessed with his career he becomes. She feels completely neglected and devastatingly depressed.



It is the perfect role for Hollywood diva, Joan Crawford. She portrays the emotionally battered and bruised vamp with an incredibly vulnerable performance. All without losing her snap, of course.



After all, it is Joan Crawford.



I was also pleased with the realistic chemistry between Joan and her co-star, John Garfield. The two really seemed to mesh together. Which isn't surprising, given their obvious playfulness in the behind-the-scenes photo above. The two were actually close friends.

I highly recommend Humoresque. The screenplay was beautifully written and contains some of the best one-liners in Hollywood history. The acting by both stars was superb. Plus, the breathtaking classical music doesn't only narrate this film, it practically steals the show...and your heart.

Thanks to my bestie, Jonny, for introducing me to this magical film!