Oh, Frankie!

When I was in middle school I had virtually no self-esteem.

Of course, I wasn't alone. But when you're 13, it feels like it.

I had been a really cute kid. But then things drastically changed. My teeth grew in severely crooked, thanks to a gum surgery (a benign tumor was removed). My front teeth grew in sideways. When I opened my mouth I looked like a freak. I stopped smiling when I was nine.

I hadn't grown into my nose yet. It was wide and had a hump and not at all like the dainty little upturned noses my blonde peers flaunted.

My hair was long, stringy, and frizzy. The humid south Florida weather promised I would never see a good hair day, no matter how many products my mom gave me.

I was pretty damn miserable.

I had crushes on boys, but they were pretty cruel to me when they found out. One popular boy even shouted "woof!" when he discovered I had the hots for him. If that doesn't shatter a sixth-grader's self-image, I don't know what does.

I suppose you could say being an awkward, unattractive pre-teen developed my character. I became extremely sarcastic. I didn't have many friends. I holed myself away at home, spending weekends writing humorous stories and fake magazine articles on the computer, instead of going to the mall with other girls my age. The Jennifer you know today was founded on that time period.

But I desperately wanted a boy to like me. I didn't even want a boyfriend. I just wanted a boy to LIKE ME. I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to feel like I wasn't the biggest loser on the planet.

On the first day of seventh grade, that changed.

Frank, the new kid, sat next to me in algebra class. He was cute, in a non-threatening sort of way. He didn't use hair products and he didn't dress like a douchebag. He wore flannel. He had a strange accent. He had kind eyes.

I cracked a joke in class, and while my other classmates stared at me blankly, Frank laughed. Not at me, but at my joke! I couldn't believe it! It was a miracle!

Later that day in the cafeteria, my friends and I looked up to see Frank holding his lunch tray, hovering over us.

"Can I sit here?" he asked.

I nearly knocked my milk over the table, I was so eager to make room for him.

"Everyone here seems really superficial," he said, narrowing his eyes at a group of popular girls applying makeup at the next table. "I'm from New Jersey. I'm not used to palm trees and all these fancy houses."

After the girls I was sitting with went to hang out in the sunny quad, Frank and I talked. He was so easy to talk to, which surprised me. Other than my cousins, I didn't have much experience talking to boys my own age.

We became fast friends. He ate lunch with me every day. He laughed at all my jokes. He talked a lot about New Jersey. He was clearly very homesick. I didn't mind though because I didn't know much about the east coast. I found it all very interesting. I couldn't imagine not going to Disney World every weekend. I couldn't imagine a beach without palm trees. It all seemed very odd and exciting. Industrial and cool.

We started hanging out after school. I even went to a school dance with him, as friends, and taught him the Macarena. I couldn't believe Frank had never done it before! It was like hanging out with a Martian! Even President Clinton knew the Macarena!

And of course, from the moment we became best friends I knew I was madly in love with him. I had never been treated so nicely before by a boy who wasn't a relative. He made me feel so special.

Suddenly, my life changed.

My parents took me to Bennigan's for dinner during a weeknight. I should have known something was up because we only went there for special occasions and never during the week. I was halfway through my delicious hot wings when my parents dropped the bombshell.

We were moving to Nebraska.

Haha wait, what?

My dad had been offered a much better job up there in Omaha. One he simply couldn't turn down.

I was devastated.

I awkwardly parted ways with my friends. Saying goodbye to Frankie was the hardest. He promised me he would write.
And guess what. He did.

For a month, we wrote each other once a week. Neither one of us had e-mail back then. It was all snail mail, which, looking back on it, made his correspondence even more impressive.

But I was miserable in Omaha. I thought about Frankie all the time. I slept with his letters underneath my pillow. It was torture knowing he was there and I was here. That I was in love with him and he didn't know.

So, I decided I needed to tell him how I felt.

I recorded myself singing "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue onto a cassette tape and I mailed it to him.

It seemed like a really good idea at the time. It seemed so rational!

I didn't take into account that my singing voice sounds like a dying cat. I didn't realize that my wailing "there's gonna be some LOVE-MAKIN', HEART-BREAKIN', SOUL-SHAKIN' loooOoooOoove" was severely inappropriate.

After I mailed him the tape, I never heard from him again.

I was crushed.

At the time, I couldn't figure out why. Didn't he like me back? Wasn't my message obvious? Did he not like R&B?

I was flummoxed.

Of course, looking back now, I realize that I pretty much made the worst decision in the history of the world. And I laugh hysterically thinking about it.

Oh, man. Poor Frankie. I wish I could have seen his reaction when he hit play. I must have scared the shit outta that poor boy.

I wonder if he still has the tape.

Walk on the Wild Side

“I'm a thousand different people. Every one is real.”

Her eyes glittered with the drunken rush of old Hollywood glamour. Her pouty red lips brought grown men to their knees. Her dramatic, self-indulgent wit made her an icon.

Her name made people smile.

Candy Darling.

She was born a male. In the 1950s, people knew her as little Jimmy Slattery, the boy with the drunken gambling father and sweet, but timid mother.

To escape her stifling blue-collar life in New York City, the future diva drowned herself in old Hollywood films. She worshipped Kim Novak. She envied Elizabeth Taylor. She dreamed of being Marilyn Monroe.

By the time she was a teenager, Candy was putting on her most stylish dresses, perfecting her makeup in the mirror, and strutting out the door to party at all the hottest gay bars in town. She changed her name and never looked back.

As a gorgeous woman with an outgoing personality and loads of confidence to boot, Candy was naturally drawn to the stage. She wanted to be beyond famous. She wanted to be a STAR.

She was starring in a burlesque show (featuring a talented, but virtually unknown actor named Robert De Niro) in 1967 when she caught the attention of pop artist Andy Warhol.

Intrigued by her addictive charisma and overwhelming sexuality, Andy asked Candy to act in his next film, Flesh.

Soon, the pair became best friends. Candy was a staple at the Warhol Factory. With the famous artist by her side, she lit up the most glitzy nightclubs in the world. She mingled with movie stars. She was the subject of several extremely famous rock songs. She was at the height of her fame.

But it was too good to last.



It wasn't long before Andy grew bored with the "chicks with dicks" theme. It was so last year, he decided. So, he ditched the transsexual. Candy went from being his BFF to being shunned by the man who had made her a superstar.

Suddenly, she was all alone. It was cruel and shocking to the 20-something performer.

Using her Warhol boost, Candy managed to keep her career afloat for a while during the early 1970s. She had small roles in low budget and even big budget films. She starred in a smattering of plays.

And then the inevitable occurred.

Candy was diagnosed with leukemia. It was the result of the hormones (mostly estrogen) she had been taking to maintain her feminine appearance during the last decade. The cancer ate away at her body with incredible speed.

Instead of being depressed, Candy saw her deadly illness as the role of a lifetime. The 29-year-old played the dying femme fatale with so much style and flamboyance, it would have made her old Hollywood idols proud. She even posed for a deathbed glamour shot.

She quite possible left the most charming death note in celebrity history:

To whom it may concern

By the time you read this I will be gone. Unfortunately before my death I had no desire left for life. Even with all my friends and my career on the upswing I felt too empty to go on in this unreal existence. I am just so bored by everything. You might say bored to death. It may sound ridiculous but is true. I have arranged my own funeral arrangements with a guest list and it is paid for. I would like to say goodbye to Jackie Curtis, I think you're fabulous. Holly, Sam Green a true friend and noble person, Ron Link I'll never forget you, Andy Warhol what can I say, Paul Morrissey, Lennie you know I loved you, Andy you too, Jeremiah don't take it too badly just remember what a bitch I was, Geraldine I guess you saw it coming. Richard Turley & Richard Golub I know I could've been a star but I decided I didn't want it. Manuel, I'm better off now. Terry I love you. Susan I am sorry, did you know I couldn't last I always knew it. I wish I could meet you all again.

Goodbye for Now

Love Always
Candy Darling

And just as she dreamed, Candy Darling has become a legend. She was the first drag queen to take over pop culture. Her influence can be found in movies, famous drag queens, and reality shows to this day.

With her fabulousness and cheerful glamour, she changed the world...and made it a more special one.

She sang WHAT?!

Sometimes musicians like to cover songs by other musicians.

Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't.

Most of the time, you don't even realize these cover songs exist.

And in some cases, the songs are too deliciously random and must be shared with the world immediately.

Here are five cover songs you might not have known existed.

You're welcome. Happy Monday.

5. Britney Spears covers All That She Wants by Ace of Base

I'm starting you out light here. This cover is unexpected, but should come as no real surprise to any Britney fan. After all, her top hits which made her a star ten years ago were written by the man (Max Martin) who crafted most of the Ace of Base songs in the early 1990s. You can hear the influence. But it is interesting to give this song a whirl. Plus, she gives the song her own spin by changing the lyrics.


4. Miley Cryus covers Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

 

I'm not a huge Nirvana fan. I'm not even a huge Kurt Cobain fan. But being a teenager from the 90s, I know enough about the artist to understand that this cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit is sacrilegious. I'm totally serious. I don't even know where to begin.

 

First, this song represents a mournful generational sentiment that Miley Cyrus couldn't even begin to wrap her head around. So for her to prance around in a skimpy pop star bedazzled sex suit and sing this song to thousands of clueless 12-year-old girls is unfathomable to me. The day she decided to cover this song, poor Kurt died again. When he was alive, he was so troubled by the materialistic plastic meaningless crap consuming our culture in the early 90s, that he couldn't even swallow his own fame.

 

This song is basically Hannah Montana shitting on all that's sacred in the world and laughing all the way to the bank.

 

If that is my opinion, as a so-so fan, imagine the horror of Nirvana's real fans. The comments on the youtube page pretty much say it all.

 

 

3. Ozzy Osbourne covers Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees

 

 

I actually like this version better than the original.

 

 

2. Pat Boone covers Enter Sandman by Metallica

 

 

Unlike our friend, Miley, this smooth crooner isn't making a mockery of a beloved rock song, he's owning it. And it's fucking AWESOME.

 

If you're familiar with this Metallica song, then you, my friends, are in for a treat. This brassy big-band version of Enter Sandman is hysterical. Pat Boone sings the morbid lyrics with such confident pizazz, you could have sworn he cheerfully wrote this tune back in 1958.

 

I never knew a death-metal rock song could be so swingin' and so seemingly innocent. I suggest turning this song on at high volume, grabbing a glass of bubbly, and twirling around the dance floor with that special someone.

 

 

1. Alanis Morissette covers My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas

 

 

...holy shit.

 

 

What do you think of these covers? Which one is your favorite?

The Magical World of The Smiths

It just occurred to me that I rarely talk about Morrissey on this blog.

I'm obsessed with him, and yet he barely makes a mention here.

I suppose it's because I know most of you probably aren't as obsessed with him as I am. And I know there are a few of you who don't even know his music.

I decided that needs to change.

During my snow day yesterday, I was uber bored and while listening to The Smiths (Moz's former band) I suddenly realized a magical theme. Since I had plenty of time on my hands, I created a set of Disney memes to accompany some of my favorite Smiths (and solo) tracks, along with the song, so you can sing along.

Please enjoy.

What do you think of my memes? Do you like The Smiths? (Isn't Moz dreamy?)

Hollywood Time Machine

Have you ever wondered what would have happened if certain celebrities had been alive in a different time period?

Welcome to my parallel universe, where these fantasies have come true.

You're welcome.

1933

When Britney Jean Spears was 16, she ran away from her small hometown in Louisiana and hopped on the first train to New York City. She wanted to be rich, famous, and beautiful.

With her pretty face and extensive ballet training, the Southern teenager didn't have trouble finding work. She soon became a well-known showgirl on the Broadway scene.

But, Britney was too ambitious to be a showgirl. In her mid-20s, when producers were hinting she was getting too old for the job, she started to look for other work. She tried performing as a sultry songstress in nightclubs, but found her mediocre voice couldn't compete with all the other talent.

Plus, her life was a bit of a mess. Her wealthy ex-husband was a cold-hearted gangster who had caught her cheating on him with his right-hand man. He killed her lover, and Britney was terrified she would be next. She was constantly frightened his thugs were watching her every move. She became an emotional, mental, and paranoid wreck. Her fragile state, along with her now-tarnished reputation, ruined her career.

By 1940, she had completely disappeared. Did the mafia kill her? Or, did she go into hiding for the rest of her life? Nobody knows.


1943

Growing up bi-racial in the early part of the 20th century was a struggle that made Alicia Keys strong. She grew up in a poor household, raised by her single mother, a struggling actress. In order to deal with the prejudice and pain inflicted upon her life, she turned to music. She was a child prodigy on the piano, and had a breathtaking voice.

When Alicia was 17, she was performing at a hole-in-the-wall jazz club in Harlem, when a music producer arrived. He was immediately blown away by the gorgeous singer, and realized she could be a major star.

At first, his colleagues dissuaded him against the move, telling him it was impossible to market an African-American singer to the masses. But, the music producer ignored them. Alicia's first record became an international best-seller and she toured the world, performing at the most prestigious venues. She even appeared as a nightclub singer in a few major Hollywood films.

By the time Alicia turned 80, she was an established Hollywood legend, even earning an honorary Grammy Award in 2003, presented by a beaming Whitney Houston.


1953

The daughter of a 1920s silent film star, Angelina Jolie always knew she wanted to make a name for herself in lights. With her exotic features and undeniable talent, she was given her first leading role at 20.

Five years later, she had become the biggest movie star in the world. But, her personal life started to overshadow her films. Already married three times, Angelina had also been named "the other woman" in a whopping 17 divorce lawsuits. There were also rumors that she was a lesbian with Marlene Dietrich. At the age of 27, she made international headlines by marrying the dashing movie star George Clooney.

During their honeymoon in France, Angelina was found shot dead in her hotel suite. The incident turned the world upside down, with movie fans around the world tossing out theories. Did a scorned ex-wife from her past murder her? Rumors started swirling that George was really a closeted homosexual and had been using Angelina for her money, since he was secretly on the brink of bankruptcy, due to gambling debt. Had his lover killed her? Or, did George kill her in the midst of a lover's quarrel? The answer is still unknown and today remains one of the biggest Hollywood mysteries, having been the premise for dozens of films, books, and television shows.

In 1999, Julia Roberts won a Best Actress Academy Award for playing Angelina in the critically acclaimed film about the murder, "Kiss of Death."


1963

Her name was simply Adele. Nobody knew her story. Had she been a street urchin, raised in the mucky sewers of London? Or the youngest daughter of a wealthy earl? She simply just appeared one day, as a glamorous and beautiful superstar. She never spoke about her past in interviews.

Her soulful songs were played on the radio. She performed for presidents and kings. Countless magazines, such as Good Housekeeping, continually had stories on how to obtain Adele's perfect sexy curves. Pill advertisements claimed to pack on the pounds, so any housewife could have the Adele hourglass figure. After all, no American housewife wanted to be a stick!

Her personal life was just as mysterious as her persona. She was photographed getting cozy with oil tycoons, American senators, and even handsome movie stars.

But the weight of fame and failed relationships was too much for the curvy singer to handle. Her mournful songs could no longer heal her pain. She turned to alcohol. By 1968, she was chugging back five to six dry martinis per day. Her curvy figure started to bloat until she became practically unrecognizable. In 1970, she was found unresponsive in her estate in the English countryside.


1973

A socialite who always made the gossip columns, Nicole Ritchie quickly shot to fame as a major style icon of the 1970s.

Details about her wild parties with John Lennon, Mick Jagger, and Andy Warhol were devoured by fans all over the world. She was so famous, she even started her own clothing line, so the average teenage girl in Des Moines could have the same bohemian flair in her closet.

Before long, Nicole was a millionaire, and seemed to be on top of the world. But what people didn't know was that her rock n' roll friends had introduced her to a dangerous lifestyle. She was snorting cocaine, popping prescription pills, and dissolving LSD on her tongue. She was addicted to drugs, but nobody thought to seek her help since, well, they were addicted too.

In 1981, Nicole almost died of a drug overdose. She was rushed to the hospital and saved and immediately placed in rehab. Unfortunately, with the changing 1980s fashion, her bohemian clothing line went bankrupt.

In 1985, the former hippie queen decided to turn her life around. She started writing health cookbooks and selling them on infomercials. She wrote a best-selling memoir, detailing her affairs with rock legends. She married a yoga instructor and had two children, and never did drugs again.

Today, she can still be seen on talk shows, promoting her latest boho-inpsired jewelry line.


What do you think of my stories? Which one do you like best?

Not Impressed!

I'm a cynical bitch who doesn't like many people.

And when I say "people" I mean female celebrities.

Of course, I like the awesome ones. Tina Fey. Amy Poehler. Jennifer Lawrence. Emma Stone.

But that's about it.

Lately there have been some female celebrities who have been ridiculously annoying.

And like our dear friend Tommy Lee Jones, I am NOT impressed.

Here is a look at five famous women who completely bore me right now.

5. Anne Hathaway

This may come as a shock to you because I have flippin adored this girl for years. Like, more than a decade. But recently she is just getting on my nerves. Big time.

I was such a huge fan because she's adorable, well-educated, witty, incredibly open-minded, honest, and has a classy sense of style. She prefers to watch The Tudors and read Jane Austen novels, as opposed to getting shit-faced at a bar and ending up in jail.

But her attitude is starting to bother me. She's annoying. And kind of pretentious. It's like she takes herself and her "craft" waaaay too seriously. Her charm and genuine modesty seems to have disappeared lately. Now in interviews, she seems fake and forced. Oh, and I hate her haircut. She has very exaggerated features (big lips and big nose) so with short hair, she's pretty much all face now.

When she accepts awards, her speeches are painfully awkward and embarrassingly self-indulgent. The last straw for me was when she stole the mic from the producer of Les Misérables, after the film won best picture at the Golden Globes, just because she forgot to thank a couple people in her earlier rambling speech after winning Best Supporting Actress. Um, rude. The poor guy ended up getting cut off later on because he didn't have enough time to thank everyone he wanted to in his speech. Thanks, Anne.

Sorry, but I'm...

4. Taylor Swift

I've disliked this girl from the minute I heard Teardrops on my Guitar on the radio. Or was it You Belong With Me? I still get those two songs confused.

But, despite not liking her music, I never really had anything bad to say about her in the past. She's beautiful and has cute style. Plus, she always seemed humble and sweet.

But a part of me wonders if that naive girl-next-door persona is real. Behind the scenes, she seems like a publicity whore. She's been serial dating high-profile celebrities for years and bragging about them in boring songs. It's awkward. She almost seems desperate to be part of a celebrity power couple or something.

I'm also tired of her "ohmygodareyouserious" shocked face she would pull whenever she won an award, which seemed to be once a week. The first time, it was cute. The tenth time, it was just fake, let's be real.

I actually would like to see this girl redeem herself and prove she can be a grown up one day.

But for now, I'm...

3. Lady Gaga

Again, this is weird. I'm normally a huge fan of Gaga. She came into our world at perfect timing, I think. In 2009, we were craving something different and weird and fabulous. She delivered. She made haute couture relevant. She gave us something to talk about. She made pop music cool again.

But now, I feel like her gimmick is stale. I'm over it.

It was almost like we were spoon-fed too much too fast. And now that the glitter of novelty is out of my eyes, she seems so yesterday.

It will be interesting to see if her Gaga image stays afloat as the years go by. The reason Madonna became an icon is because she didn't just change with the times, she invented the changes. Her music evolved, along with her identity. I'm not sure if Gaga will be able to emulate that kind of success. I honestly hope that she does, because I'd love to rekindle my obsession.

Good luck, Gaga. But these days, I'm....

2. Nicky Minaj

...yeah. When she raps, she sounds like she's having a stroke or something. That's just my humble opinion. I'm not a rap aficionado or anything though.

Her snarky attitude doesn't sit well with me. She seems like the type of person I would have a very difficult time getting along with. Like, she'll get up in your grill for no apparent reason, maybe? I just get that kind of vibe from everything I've seen of her in television interviews and magazine articles.

Her demeanor, her tacky Lisa Frank style, and her music. Everything. Just. No.

I'm not sorry to say I'm...

 

 

1. Kim Kardashian

Do I even need to explain this one?

Let's all chant together:

Are you bored with these girls too? Which celebrities don't impress you?

"You can kiss my decision as it's walking out the door."

When I first heard about the new ABC show, Nashville, I was hesitant to watch it.

Not because it's about country music, but because it looked like a really good show.

You see, after last year's heartbreak with my three new favorite shows (The Playboy Club, Pan Am, and GCB) I wasn't exactly anxious to fall in love with another anticipated drama that would only get cancelled a few months later.

Well, I caved in and watched it this past week.

And shit.

I'm in love.

The show revolves around a middle-aged country superstar, Rayna Jaymes, who faces declining record sales, while a bitchy new twenty-something sensation, Juliette Barnes, quickly becomes America's Sweetheart.

If the plot sounds familiar, it's because the show is based on the Gwyneth Paltrow film, Country Strong.

One of the reasons I love this show so much is because of the dead-on casting.

The stunning and vibrant Connie Britton shines brilliantly as the gracious, regal music legend Rayna. As a viewer you feel indignant on her behalf as she's mercilessly pushed aside by her record company in favor of hot new talent. And then you also respect her as a person, when you see the behind-the-scenes glimpse at her controlling family and her inner struggles.

I was a bit skeptical of Hayden Panettiere being cast as the Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood diva, but she actually proved me wrong. She is nearly flawless in the role of Juliette, the most unlikeable character on the show. And it seems like her character is going to be more complex, when you realize her background couldn't be more different than her blueblood middle-aged counterpart.

I'm not a huge fan of country music, but I loved the songs that played in the first episode. There was a duet in particular that was so beautiful, I can already tell the soundtrack to this show is going to be amazing.

I really, really, really hope this show doesn't get cancelled.

What do you think? Will you watch Nashville?

I Think We're Alone Now

I'm sorry for disappearing off the face of the planet for the past week.

I've been swamped with work, plus my best friend Jonny is in town, so I've been spending most of my free time with him.

In between attending city council meetings, writing stories, and sipping cocktails with my bestie, I managed to sneak in a short, very entertaining documentary, which was suggested to me by my blog friend, Jillian.

This jaw-dropping documentary, I Think We're Alone Now, focuses on two crazy ass men who are in love with Tiffany.

Yes, Tiffany. The teen pop princess from the late 1980s.

Even though her star has faded in the music world, the suffocating, mind-whirling love these men share for her hasn't waned a bit since 1988.

There is Jeff, a 57-year-old autistic man who has been charged with stalking Tiffany numerous times. He's shown up at every single concert and appearance she has given in the past 24 years. He has been arrested for trespassing at her home and also for brandishing a sword near the pop star.

The other crazy ass stalker is Kelly, a intersexual (hermaphrodite) who is practically homeless, but holds on to his passion for Tiffany like a light in the dark. The walls of his dilapidated apartment are adorned with Tiffany photos and song lyrics.

I think what creeps me out the most is that both of these grown men genuinely believe Tiffany has a special connection with them.

Jeff says, despite the numerous restraining orders the singer has put on him, he is Tiffany's closest and dearest friend. He said they share a bond no one else in the world will ever have. He said Tiffany calls him up at night, just to tell him that she considers him the most important person in her life.

Kelly, on the other hand, is madly in love with Tiffany. When the aging pop star got married a few years ago, Kelly's world came crashing down. Kelly can't even talk about Tiffany's husband without shaking in fury. The stalker believes his destiny is to be with Tiffany romantically one day. Kelly is frustrated nobody else can see it.

Both men have met Tiffany. And while she was nothing but super sweet with them, you could tell Tiffany was completely freaked out. She's known Jeff her entire adult life (the guy has stalked her since she was 16 for god's sake). Meeting Kelly for the first time, after a concert, was clearly a strange moment for the middle-aged mom.

Despite their obvious psychoticness, the documentary shows a vulnerable, and almost innocent side to these men. They're both so eerily interesting and their lives are so much more than obsessed fans.

I highly recommend this documentary.