Ch-Ch-Chicago!

I'm back from the Windy City.



I'm still in that "mourning" period. You know, the kind where you get back from vacation and realize your life at home sucks. Or maybe that's just me...hmmm...

I normally don't make a big deal out of Chicago because my family goes there every summer. My parents are from there, actually. But this trip we actually chose to be tourists, so it wasn't entirely boring.

Because I'm awesome and I know all you stalkers are desperate to know every detail of my life, I've posted a day-by-day description of my trip.

Enjoy.


Friday

I suffered agonizing allergies the entire nine hour drive to Chicago. It was like being in hell. When we finally got to Chicago it took my dad an extra hour to circle around the city searching for our hotel. There was a lot screaming involved.


Saturday

My parents and I attended my aunt's 60th birthday pool party. She lives in an adorable little suburban neighborhood. Most of my cousins were there. I chose not to swim because I did not want to scare my cousins' young children with my 500 pound lard ass stuffed into a swimsuit like a sausage. I'm always looking out for the children's welfare, you see.

I was being so responsible that I only had one jello shot and half a beer that day. It was so sweltering hot that I mostly drank melted ice.

Everything was going swimmingly (har har) until the DJ (yes, there was a DJ) insisted that we all participate in an awkward communal dance. Everyone in the family had to get in a circle and do the "Chicken Dance" and "Hokey Pokey" and "Electric Slide."

I'm not fucking kidding.

As a normal person, I was hesitant to join in the festivities (I wasn't drunk enough, let's be real), but my dad was having none of it.

"Jennifer, you are going to do the Chicken Dance and you are going to do it RIGHT NOW," he growled at me, while flapping his arms and bobbing his head.

I was surprised that my 67-year-old Indian father even knew the Chicken Dance. He then told me that he had learned the Chicken Dance at a coworker's wedding in 1978.

"The dance of the chicken is something you never forget," he said solemnly.

Awesome.

Oh, and here are some photos I took:


(Me and my awesome cousin Kari)


(Kari and her crazy husband)


(Their adorable daughter...who is part of a triplet set.)


(More of my cousins' children)


(Cutie patootie)

I was so busy catching up with relatives that I didn't notice how many jello shots (two), beer (three), and wine (two) my mother had been consuming.

Before I knew it, she was giddily drunk, running around and laughing. She eventually passed out in the back seat of our car before we even left the driveway.


Sunday



My parents and I went downtown for shopping and lunch. We spent one hour searching for this stupid hot dog stand where my dad had the best Chicago dog of his life 35 years ago. It was nowhere to be found and my dad was shocked and confused.

I was initially depressed that we would be shopping at all my favorite stores downtown because I seriously had no money. Not even a dollar. But upon my heavy insistence (i.e. pleading and sobbing, toddler style) my dad finally relented and bought me a pair of gym shorts and a leopard print blouse at H&M.

We topped it all off with a boat tour of the lake.





Later that evening, my mom and I found ourselves in a really bad part of town waiting for a bus (long story) and we witnessed a near-murder. A man was chasing another man in circles with a baseball bat and ended up just bashing in his entire car, literally within three feet of us. Scary shit.


Monday



We went to the museum of natural science and history.

Then we stopped at the giant ass chocolate store.



For dinner we went to a hamburger joint, Billy Goat Tavern, that my former journalism professor used to eat lunch at every week when he was a reporter at the Chicago Tribune. The restaurant is famous for being the inspiration for the old Saturday Night Live sketch ("Cheezborger! Cheezborger!"). My professor used run into Dan Akroyd, Bill Murray, and John Belushi at this hamburger place before they were famous.




Tuesday

The ride home was pretty unremarkable. I had no allergies, so I have no complaints.


And that was my Chicago trip in a nut shell.

If you read that entire post, you are the instant winner of my GIVEAWAY.

And what is the prize for this giveaway? It's my love.

I love you.


Awwww. I'm so sweet it kills me.

Elsa Martinelli

I recently saw a couple of old films starring Italian glamour queen Elsa Martinelli.



Upon researching the gorgeous bombshell, I was delighted to learn that besides being a pretty face and talented actress, she was also a fucking bad ass.

Here is her story:



At 18, Elsa was working as a barmaid in her native Rome when she was discovered by a fashion designer. He encouraged her to give up the blue collar lifestyle and go to New York to pursue modeling. Elsa took his advice.



With only $20 in her pocket and not speaking a word of English, Elsa arrived in New York City. She was immediately signed with an agency and began appearing in numerous fashion magazines.





Two years later, Kirk Douglas's wife spotted the supermodel in Vogue and suggested to him that Elsa be cast as his leading lady in the upcoming western, The Indian Fighter.



Elsa's career went from supermodel to movie star overnight. She went on to star in movies with Elizabeth Taylor, John Wayne, Marlon Brando, and Charlton Heston. She even starred in a lesbian vampire movie.



When she wasn't busy making movies, she was busy making love to numerous wealthy men, including a prince and a fashion designer.



At 24, the superstar was sentenced to 18 months in jail for viciously insulting three different police officers when they tried to serve her with traffic tickets.



Not long after, she caused an international scandal when she married Count Franco Mancinelli. The royal's mother was so disgusted with the marriage she disowned him, closing the palace gates against the couple forever.



Three years and two kids later, Elsa was desperate to divorce the disowned count, but Italy prohibited divorce at the time.



Separated from her husband, Elsa used her Hollywood-earned money to buy old houses around Europe and renovate them. She also enjoyed spending time with her children.



In the early 1960s she fell in love with photographer Wally Rizzo. She changed her citizenship in order to divorce the Count. She then quickly married Rizzo.



The couple jet-setted around the world, attending lavish, wild parties with close friends such as opera diva Maria Callas and movie star Sophia Loren.



In the early 1970s, Elsa began a cozy friendship with Greek shipping magnate, Aristotle Onassis, behind his wife Jackie's back.



It is reported that when Jackie O saw the above photo of her husband and Elsa together, she promptly got a $100,000 face-lift.



In the 1980s, Elsa became an interior designer.



Today, she is still a sought-after actress and still as beautiful as ever.


PS. I really enjoyed reading your embarrassing moments from my last post.

PPS. I am going to be in Chicago for five days. So, I will see you lovelies on Wednesday! Have a fab weekend. xoxo

WHY ME?

When I was a tween, my favorite magazine was Seventeen. And one of my favorite features of that magazine was the embarrassing moments section. I believe it was called, "Why me?".

Some of that shit was craaaaazy!

Well, I'm going to be honest with you. I know this is shocking, but even I have had embarrassing moments in my life.

I'm serious.



I know it is hard to believe, since I am so fabulous and perfect and gorgeous, but let's be real: even I am not immune to awkwardness.

My heart is in your hands as I reveal my heartbreaking stories. Please be gentle.


The Wrap Skirt



When I was in seventh grade, wrap skirts were all the rage. My mom bought me a white one, but neither one of us could figure out how to wrap it properly. One morning, she triumphantly turned me around in the mirror to show that she had mastered the skirt. I was pleased. The skirt was adorable.

That morning, I rode the bus to school. I sat in the front row. The bus pulled up to the school and I jumped out of my seat. As soon as I stood up, my wrap skirt fell off! The bus got SILENT. Every single kid on the bus was staring at me with their mouth open. I was in paralyzed shock. I couldn't believe I was standing in front of 20 of my schoolmates, wearing nothing but a floral shirt and striped underwear. It was like being in a nightmare. I gathered up my skirt around my waist and ran outside, sobbing.


Bubble Gum



When I was in college, I had a massive crush on the hottest guy working at our campus newspaper.

He called me at home one afternoon and I was thrilled. He flirted. I flirted back. I was very coy. I was very cool. I was doing a terrific job of being sexy, which is unusual for me.

"I scored free tickets to the Jason Mraz concert tonight," he told me.

"Oh my god, I love him," I gushed, even though I didn't.

"Do you want to go with me?" He asked casually.

"I'd---" was all I could say. "Klwack. Sclawwwwwwk! Gaaaaalk!"

I was choking on my gum! I couldn't talk! I could only hack into the phone. In horror, I hung up on him so he wouldn't hear me gag anymore. I didn't answer his calls afterward because I was too embarrassed.

Later, I found out that he had called a mutual friend of ours to see if I was still alive. He thought I had died on the phone!

(Happy ending: we did end up dating for a year and a half...and he often teased me about that stupid phone call).


Messy Purse



During my first week as a news reporter, I was asked to interview the mayor. I wore an elegant tweed suit and my nude Ralph Lauren pumps. I acted very professional and mature for someone only 22-years-old. The interview went extremely well. The mayor even commented that he was impressed with me!

After the interview, we shook hands. Then, he realized he had forgotten to sign a form and asked me quickly if he could borrow my pen, which I had already thrown into my purse.

I rummaged through my purse, which was filled to the brim. I found my nail polish, cell phone, hand lotion, wallet, keys, and my foundation. But no pen. Finally, my hands grasped it at the bottom of my purse. I triumphantly handed it to him.

But it was NOT a pen.

...it was a tampon. The mayor stared dumbfounded at the tampon he was holding. I stared at it. We looked at each other in shock. He awkwardly handed the tampon back to me.

"I'll see if my secretary has a pen," he said quickly, before giving an awkward wave and walking away.

Holy shit.


What was your most embarrassing moment?

Remembering the 00's

I was born in the early 80s and I grew up in the 90s. Both of those decades were so different and unique. I'm always seeing lists regarding 80s and 90s nostalgia. Kids from the '80s remember Cabbage Patch dolls and Debbie Gibson. Kids from the '90s remember smiley face t-shirts and Hanson.

But what about the 00's? What will we remember fondly (or not so fondly) from that decade (2000 to 2009)?

Here is my list:


Harry Potter Mania


We read each book twice. We dressed up for the midnight premieres of the films. We were a world obsessed for most of the decade.


We wore what?!


Hipster fashion was all the rage. Remember skinny jeans, fake vintage tees, and fake nerd glasses? Yes, your children will torture you about it.


In 50 years, films set in the 00's are probably going to show us all wearing these plastic beasts.


...ugh.


The popular girls in high school actually wore sweatsuits in public.


Reality TV Takeover


A singing competition became the most talked-about television show in history.


We started to become obsessed with non-famous rich people.


Text speak

("OMG" "WTF" "LOL")


Digital Communities


We saw the birth of Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter.


The iDecade


iPods became the most coveted Christmas item. iTunes overtook CDs. iPhones killed cell phones. It was an Apple domination.


Rise of the Vampires


We started out the decade desperate to be wizards and ended the decade hungry to be vampires. Movies, books, and television shows started to revolve around this mythical creature. It had most high school Twihards asking, "Harry who?"


So what do you think? Is this a good summary of pop culture from the 00's? Are we going to look back on this stuff fondly or with a cringe?

Jonny in Branson!

This weekend I packed my bags and took a road trip to see my best friend Jonny in Branson, MO.



I was super excited because I finally got to see his show! Jonny is a singer and dancer for the Shoji Tabuchi Show, one of the most famous shows in Branson.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the city, Branson is the "Las Vegas of the Midwest." Like the actual Las Vegas, it has a huge strip with theaters featuring live music and variety shows. It is a famous tourist destination in the United States.

The Shoji Tabuchi Theatre is incredibly beautiful.

To give you an idea, here are photos I took of the women's restroom.




(above is the washroom attendant who provides perfume and lotion)

Awesome, right?

The show was spectacular. Shoji is an internationally famous Japanese country music fiddler.

If you ever find yourself in Branson, I insist you see this show. You can find the website here.



The music was phenomenal.

Jonny, of course, was the best part of the show. (And I'm not just saying that as an adoring fan and devoted bff).



He was the best dancer.



He was the best singer.



He was adorable.

Jonny has been doing the show for more than a year now. He's also in the midst of recording an album. So he's well on his way to becoming a huge star. It's really exciting to be along for the ride!

I had such a fun weekend with him. Spending time with Jonny and watching him sing (whether it is on stage or in his living room) makes me happy. I love him so much!

I was sad to come home.



I'm counting down the days until I see him again!

I hope you all had a terrific weekend as well!