I have been hopelessly depressed lately.
I haven’t been blogging about it too much because I don’t want to scare away my online friends. And I haven’t been talking about it much to my friends at home because I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer.
It just seems like everything in my life right now is falling apart. I spent every penny of my life savings a year ago on a car that wasn’t worth it. I am now spending the money I have saved since then to fix the car’s air conditioner. I don’t have a penny to my name.
But it’s not so much the money troubles that are bothering me. It’s everything else.
I’m clinging to a job that doesn’t excite me anymore and has no possibility of a financial rise.
I’m in love with someone who isn’t sure he ever wants to get married or have children.
Most of my close friends live in other parts of the country and my best friend who does live here has her own troubles.
I can’t even go home to cry.
My father disowned me the minute I moved out because a single girl living on her own is a shame to the family.
He’s disgusted with my job because it makes only a fraction of what he does in a month.
He thinks I’m fat.
He hates my boyfriend and tells me so every day.
And my mom doesn’t defend me. She’s so tired of it by now, she just lets him have at it.
In addition, I feel like I’m going through some kind of syndrome. The twenty-something girl’s syndrome? Nothing in my life is as it should be. When I was in high school, I had big plans and goals and dreams.
I imagined myself a young newlywed at 25. Or perhaps a glamorous fashion magazine writer, traveling the world for stylish feature stories.
But no, I’m stuck in a job I used to love. I’m a news reporter for a dying industry.
I’m nowhere close to getting married. I don’t think I’m ready yet anyway.
I’m just scared that if this road keeps winding in the direction I’m headed, I’m going to end up 40, single, and childless. Oh, and stuck in this same cubicle. And living in the same tiny apartment.
Fuck.
I’m sorry for rambling. If you were sweet enough to read this entire thing, I thank you tremendously. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Hopefully I can make a change in my life for the better, but I’m still looking for that opportunity to knock on my door…
On a happier note, I received this blog award from my dear friend Morena. She has an awesome blog and if you haven't already checked it out, I highly suggest you do.
I pass this award on to all my followers.
23 comments:
that sounds pretty bad .
ithink you need to try and quit your job and that might seem worse . but things will probalby get worse before they get better .
look for something more rewarding
who cares about the pay but you have to fee l good about it
Oh darling I am so sorry that you're feeling so low and I can empathize for SURE! If you have family members that are cruel and unsupportive like your father, let them GO - it is their problem, not yours. Take things one step at a time and remind yourself every day of the things you have that you can find pleasure in and be grateful for, like your friends, your warm heart, your intelligence, and your blogs, baby! Things will get better, and if they don't, get on some antidepressants; most MDs have free samples if money is an issue. Just tell them your situation. There is help out there. Feel free to email me at carriecalligraphy@gmail.com if you need to vent...
xoxox,
CC
Don't give up on your dreams.
I feel like I should say something else but I can't think right now.
Just don't give up on them and keep believing.
oh i am sorry you are down now. perhaps you can start to think about the type of job you might be happy with and look into the industry.
Aw, you're so sweet. Sure, I just added 8 new things; and plan on continuing to add stuff. Just keep an eye out and keep checking back on the SHOP-blog. http://fashionchaletsale.blogspot.com ;)
Take care,
xoxo!!
Oh I am in the same predicament with my job I would say quit! and get a new one! Im thinking about it seriously at the minute just need to think of what else to do! xoxoxo
I am so sorry that you are down in the dumps, I don't know if it is something in the air recently, but it seems to be catching.
Keep fightin'!
Lizabeth xoxo
http://euphoriaswarmsin.blogspot.com
My problems are lame.
I like you. You are a sweet girl and you deserve the whole world. I wish I could chop it in half, one side for you and one for me. I call Monaco.
Sweetheart, that top is scarves and safety pins. Nothin' to it. &, if I can get away with it, anyone can!
Linked back :)
Keep on truckin', girl!
Lizabeth xoxo
http://euphoriaswarmsin.blogspot.com
P.S. I'd like to see an up-and-coming post of a neat little creation that you put together. I promise you, it's not as hard as you might think!
Everyone goes through things, you're young and i think it will work out for u....i am sort of in the same boat as you but i am in my early 30's, so your not alone but i know it's no fun to feel that way.
Oh honey, I completely agree with couture carrie here. No one should be in a position to make you feel bad about your decisions or place in this world. But do you see how your family's absurd ideas have invaded your own understanding of success? Finding someone to love and cherish is a beautiful thing, but being married at 25 is hardly the achievement. I've been reading your blog and you are such a lovely person, a gifted writer and a beautiful woman, you've got a lot going for you. Keep you head up, baby, life's too short!
I'm really sorry to hear you have been feeling this way. Your an amazing and beautiful person and you deserve to feel good. You have a lot of talent for writing. Its ok to share these feelings with us. I feel sad about what you wrote about your family because that seems unreasonable. As for some of the other things, they will happen in time. You are still young and things will be ok.
Also, today Emily gave me the one lovely blog award and I was scrolling through your blog and realised that you gave it to me a few weeks ago too. I wasn't aware of that before so thats why I just acknowledged it on my blog. Thank you.
I am so sorry. I am glad you got it out though. Just know that we are here alright? Things will pick up. They definitely well :)
P.S. You're welcome!
P.P.S. Thanks for the award, darling!
xoxox,
CC
i hope you feel better :(
in lighter news, id love to exchange links - ill add you now :)
-zarna
http://zarnasrunway.blogspot.com
I am sorry, dear. I understand you, for real. Have a similar situation. Only I can say - take care about yourself. If you don't do that, nobody will.
FM~FP~AF
Just email me!!! I always check my gmail :D pulchritoode@Gmail hope you are better :)
Gosh, that's a lot to be on you at once :/
Don't lose sight of the goals and dreams you used to have in high school. Just because it's been a few years doesn't mean you can't start anew. If you can't see yourself enjoying this same job for the next however many years, you should change it.
Never forget that you're in control of your destiny! Best of luck :)
I always keep this saying close to heart when things get rough, "keep moving forward" the sun will come out again. :)
x!
You really just need to hang in there and learn from your mistakes. You can overcome anything if you are focused on work on it. Don't let the haters hold you down.
i'm so sorry you feel this way. i'm especially sorry because i've been feeling really down myself lately. it's so hard to feel like the world is dark around you and you have no clue where your future is going. my A/C is broken too, so i can even sympathize about that! it's just so hard to be in that place. i think it's really nice that you blogged about it a bit.
i'm not sure what to say to make it better, so i guess i'm not much help. but i do know being creative helps me feel productive and happy. maybe there's something creative you can do that's empowering or just fun for you. god, that sounds so cliche. i just really hope you get to feeling better soon, lovee.
xx
http://baleenplates.blogspot.com
I don't even know what to say about your dad. Clearly, he is a toxic presence in your life. I was going through something similar when I started my new job. It wasn't so much that my life was so terrible, I just woke up one morning and started crying. I didn't stop for two weeks. It sucked. Everyone was sick of me.
i don't know what to say, really. If this is something you've been dealing with your whole life, you should think about seeing a doctor or a therapist. If it really is just because you've got all this hectic shit going on in your life, you've got to make changes. Your happiness is the most important thing in the whole wide world. Everything else is bullshit.
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