High School Horoscopes

When I first joined my high school newspaper, I was desperate to write feature stories. I wanted to write about fashion. I wanted to write about prom. I wanted to write about the drama club.

Shit, I was even willing to write about the boys varsity soccer team, even if it meant I had to spend two hours after school chatting up each and every muscular, sweaty, good looking upperclassman on the field. That was the kind of sacrifice I was willing to make.

But the editor, who was this snooty cheerleader bitch, decided that the new kids at school weren't good enough to write real stories. So, for an entire semester I was given the unenviable task of writing the horoscopes.

I was so bitter and upset, that every week I wrote mean horoscopes. Surprisingly, the editor didn't flinch when I turned them in and she kept publishing them. And instead of kids getting upset, I discovered they...loved it. Students I didn't even know approached me in the hallways to compliment my work. They loved being told how much they sucked!



The mean horoscopes were such a hit that when the editor finally did let me write feature stories, she started getting messages from students who wanted me to write the horoscopes again. Haha. Fat chance.

Well, I found one of my old high school newspapers when I was cleaning my bedroom closet the other day. I transcribed my awkward teenage work below.

Enjoy! (Or not)

Aries (March 21-April 19): Love is in the air. Unfortunately, so is the flu. Breath at your own risk.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You know that crush you have from third period? The one you lovingly stare at all the time? Yeah, we all know. It's not gonna happen. We'd all feel sorry for you, if you weren't so pathetic.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Go home and change. Please. You look ridiculous.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You studied really hard for tomorrow's test, didn't you? Well, the stars are telling me you're going to fail.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): An opportunity to become really popular just came your way. Never mind. It's gone now.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): High school doesn't last forever. Except it will for you. That sucks.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): People love you. You're perfect. Oh wait, this was actually intended for the Capricorns. Sorry!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I'm done with you. You're hopeless.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You know that reoccurring dream you have where you come to school and discover you're naked? Well, it's not a dream. Look down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): See Libra.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Don't kid yourself. You're not going to get a date to prom.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): I know what you did last summer. Just kidding! But if that statement scared you, perhaps you should speak to one of the school counselors. Or Officer Dave...

What sign are you?