I don't want to sound like a conceited bitch, but I know everything.
...Or, at least, I think I do. This confidence I exude gives people the belief that I know what I'm talking about. So, it makes them comfortable in confiding in me or asking me very serious questions, to which I am clearly the only person who can help.
Google knows this.
Every single day, hundreds of people are referred to my blog from Google, after asking the most random and profound questions in the search box. And only I can help them.
Call me a professor of bottomless wisdom, if you may.
Here is a batch of questions or statements which have brought people to my blog recently:
Is the war on heaven really over?
Google referred this lost soul to my review on Confessions of a Shopaholic. I can only assume this person found exactly what they were looking for in my poetic words about the endearing spending habits of Becky Bloomwood.
My boyfriend is gay and I'm not sure what to do about it.
It's over, sweetie. There is nothing you can do about it.
I think I might be gay and do I tell my parents?
First, make sure you're certain. There should be no "might be" about it. And yes, if you are gay, you probably should tell your family. Otherwise your life is going to get extremely complicated and incredibly miserable.
I know you're thinking of me when you're fucking her
Hmmm...
Lesbian bitches kissing each other
I don't promote porn of any kind on this blog, but if you are looking for some high-quality films in which females lock lips, I highly suggest the following: Black Swan, Mulholland Dr., and Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
Sexy fat girl
Sigh. Yes, that would be me.
Why are Indian girls so hot?
Because we were born that way, baby.
How to be a hipster
The steps are quite easy.
1. Move to Portland.
2. Buy your entire wardrobe at Urban Outfitters, but tell people you only go thrifting.
3. Only listen to new, indie music that nobody else has heard of and then tell people you liked the band BEFORE they went mainstream.
4. Go vegan.
5. Own everything that Apple has ever made.
6. Only be seen at local coffee shops because Starbucks is corporate and therefore against everything you represent.
7. Did I mention owning everything Apple ever made?
8. NEVER call yourself a hipster. Or you will get your ass kicked.
Who is Anne Hathaway's boyfriend?
Anne is currently engaged to Adam Shulman, an actor and jewelry designer.
What is the fax Phil Collins sent to his last wife?
I'm sorry, but if I told you, I would have to kill you.
Who is Jonny Fabulous?
I want to marry Morrissey.
You and me both, honey. You and me both.
Will Swedish girls find me attractive?
If you have to ask, then probably not.
I wish I was Jennifer Fabulous
That's right, bitches. You all wish you could be me.
Any more questions?
LOL What a fantastic post. Concept wise. You get the best ideas for posts Jen! Witty as always!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year! :)
♡ from © tanvii.com
YES. These are my favorite kinds of posts. I love seeing what google sends my way. In fact, I should check...it's been awhile. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing what kind of questions get directed to your blog! Fabulous!
ReplyDeletecan't say anything else but damn, you're a fantastic blogger!
ReplyDeletexx
absofuckinglutely
Awesome post, darling!
ReplyDeleteLove that cat pic :)
Happy New Year!
xoxox,
CC
ha this is so funny, random and true, mostly anyhow...
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA! I loved this. Very much.
ReplyDeleteAhaha this is so funny!
ReplyDeletex
Thanks for stopping by today Jenny. You are in rare form, I see. ;-) Keep up the good work! Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)
ReplyDeletegreat post!!!kisses and happy new year!!!
ReplyDeleteCailin.
haha, what a funny post idea! The way google works tends to bend my mind in ways I can't comprehend... but it makes for everyday laughs :)
ReplyDeleteLoved this post, so entertaining! xo
ReplyDeletehttp://dreamingenfrancais.blogspot.com/
Haha I LOVE your how to be a hipster list. Have you ever watched Portlandia? I just got the dvds and it's so funny. I'm going to blog about it soon, maybe.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your super nice and sweet comment you left me!!!! :)
Mabel
Mabel Time
You always crack me up!
ReplyDeleteIf I could be some uber-hot Indian chick in another life, I'd want to be you. Then again I don't know if I could handle so much power. With great fabulousness comes great responsibility.
ReplyDeletePS: How do you determine what searches are being used to reach your blog?
ReplyDeleteFab post :D you are one great writer, love that attitude! xoxo
ReplyDeleteObsessed. Weird Google searches to find my blog are my FAVORITES. This post is simply hysterical.
ReplyDeletexo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com
i truly loved this post....the random terms that people use to stumble upon sites is always hilarious
ReplyDeleteLMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THAT is why I love you so! Your confidence level is through the roof (and can be backed up). Some need to take lessons from you. The sexy fat chic comment had me falling out my chair. Jennifer, you are all the way and around... AWESOME! Your pretty, beyond smart and FABULOUS! Great post girl! BTW I didn't pay attention to the LV clothes for looking at the sweets too! HAHAHAHA
ReplyDeletehttp://averysweetblog.com/
haha.. this was hilarious! Some really weird search keywords lead to my blog too!
ReplyDeleteWhen I pulled this up on Google reader all the white parts were invisible. I kept re-reading thinking I was going crazy because none of the "paragraphs" were making sense lol
ReplyDeleteHaha, I love it. My 'search keywords' that lead to my blog are not nearly as interesting as yours. The strangest ones I've encountered were "audrey allure 19th birthday" and "audrey allure boyfriend" - though, that sounds pretty stalkerish haha.
ReplyDelete1 word about this post-HILARIOUS
ReplyDeleteI almost fell off my chair laughing, reading this!!
That answer to the Indian girls question is my fav!! I love Gaga(hope you do too!!) & yes we are born this way!!
I actually do wish I were Jenny fab :P
Lesbian bitches kissing each other? HAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of hipsters, I saw this picture of Steve Urkel on someone's blog. It was actually two pictures of him side by side (the exact same one) but with two different captions. One read something like "90s nerd" and the other said "2011 hipster." So true!
Anyway, I'm so glad you read what I write :) Not many do and that's perfectly fine. But if I can reach even one person, that just makes it all worth it.
Doing research on these politicians made me realize how much the "mainstream" media lies...it's fucking pathetic. I'll stop complaining now. lol
Hehehe Wat a fun post! You've got yourself another Indian fan now :)
ReplyDeletexx
http://junebiswas.blogspot.com
LOL this was absolutely awesome! I wish my Google references were more interesting. Honestly, "how to make oat milk" is one of the most popular referrals to my blog. WTF?
ReplyDelete♥ Leia
I love this post. It is such an amazingly witty and very well written post...the classic Google pic is priceless....Great way to start the 2012
ReplyDeleteHappy new Year <3
http://fashion-opolis.blogspot.com/
Happy New Year to you hun... what a hilarious post, almost choked on my cuppa!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sweet words...
x.o.x.o
Haha!! Hilarious!! I love the randomness of them all!
ReplyDeleteHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!
ReplyDeleteI bow down before you, o answerer of difficult questions.
Your post are always fabulous babe,just like you :)
ReplyDeleteHappy New year xx
Don't let me start of the google searches for my blog. LOL. Thank you for my weekly cup of laughter;-)
ReplyDeleteGah! I will forever and always love you, Jennifer. This is perfection! :)
ReplyDeleteHaha great post...I´m still cracking up about the how to be a hipster guide hahaha...That´s going on my facebook..with your permission of course
ReplyDeletehugs
Andy
The Black Label
So fany!!!
ReplyDeleteLove this post!!
hahahah! i enjoyed this post a lot! you're hilarious, girl!
ReplyDeletei think the steps to be a hipster thing is so true haha. do more of this please ;)
Ah Jennifer, you are a mastermind, love reading your points of view, always interesting hun!
ReplyDeletehahahahah way too funny!
ReplyDeleteThose are hilarious! I almost never look at my incoming Google searches but now I want to check them out. Only I'm pretty sure I'll be disappointed and none will be as fabulous as those!
ReplyDeleteamazing post, darling!!!
ReplyDeleteGood start to the year!
Besos, desde España, Marcela
Totally brilliant. One of my favorite queries to my blog is "do girls have penises?" I don't even understand how Google works some days. Or people, for that matter.
ReplyDeletei totally love you girl! you have the most wonderful posts!
ReplyDeletehappy new year!
jos xx
Too funny!
ReplyDeleteAh yes...I remember the time I was first directed to your blog. I was wondering how to stop my lesbian boyfriend from faxing Phil Collins tips on how to become a hipster and marry Anne Hathaway. Google told me your blog was can't-miss on this question.
Sadly, I am still searching for answers...
ps. Your blog roll sold me out. I posted that post for a second to see if it looked okay and then took it down...hahaha. My announcement is far less exciting than me winning the lottery. Although, you have convinced me now to at least start playing the lottery...so there's that :-).
Finally, I'm sorry December was a nightmare. I hope January is as awesome as December was bad...if not more.
HAHAHA I love the photo of you with the question! YES! Own the sexiness! And you're not fat. End of story. What a terrible terrible word!
ReplyDeleteThis such an awesome post. I've never had questions that led to my blog!
Amber
hahaha... Interesting post.. nd yess we Indian girls are hott !! :D
ReplyDeleteNew follower here.. I would love if u visit my blog sometime & follow me back : )
http://shopaholicutie.blogspot.com/
I get some weird traffic from Google too but these have to be the funniest searches ever!
ReplyDeleteBTW Happy New Year dear Jennifer!
i love that you get Indian girls are hot and I want to marry Morrissey! that's just fantastic.
ReplyDelete<3 this post.
ha yeah! I always see this stuff too, it's so funny. I did a post on wetting the bed and people always find that post by searching like "WILL I EVER PLEASE STOP WETTING THE BED" haha, makes me cry.
ReplyDeleteAnd nice Hipster answer- I'm from Portland and not a hipster but I could add about 400 more tips! Power of observation.
Hmn..such questions must be keeping you entertained :) :)
ReplyDeleteIt was chubby women in moccasins that brought me here. I am not disappointed.
ReplyDeleteHi Jenniffer! I just linked to your blog on my latest post
ReplyDeletehttp://junebiswas.blogspot.com/2012/01/link-lovin-january.html
xx
How many times do I have to tell you that we need to take over the world? LET'S EFFING DO IT ALREADY. This post just confirms what I have been saying for months.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88
Haha, nice and rather clever! I just love your personality!! : ) The hipster list is pretty spot-on. lol
ReplyDeleteHow have I not commented on this? This is pure brilliance. Pure. Brilliance.
ReplyDeleteHa ha love this! You have the best sense of humor!
ReplyDeleteahhh AMAZING!!! I will saw that the number 1 search query to my blog is "kelly clarkson chunky highlites" ;)
ReplyDeleteOhhhh this post made my day. You're right Jenny, we all wish we could BE you!!!
ReplyDeletehahha you're fabulous jenny! I loved this soo much!!!:))
ReplyDeletexx Ingrid