My Christmas List (Scrooge Style)

I don't understand people who like Christmas.

It's not because I'm against it or because I practice another religion, it's more like I've never really known a life where Christmas spirit exists.

I'm not particularly religious, I have no extended family members or friends who visit, I have no desire to stuff my fat body with more food, and I hate snow.

Oh, and holidays with my parents aren't exactly...jolly.

For 26 years, I have usually spent the day listening to my parents fight over everything (my mom's cooking, their bad choice of gifts for each other, which neighborhood church to crash for Christmas service, etc.).

When I was little, I used to stare out our living room window at the happy families across the street enjoying Christmas magic. In their living room windows, I could see children, parents, and grandparents glowing with joyful smiles, admiring a beautifully lit tree, and hugging each other. It all seemed so cozy and sweet, compared to what I had to endure. I compensated my unhappiness by playing with the fabulous, elaborate presents my father would buy me. (The ONLY benefit of being an only child in an upper-middle class family).

But these days I don't even have the presents to comfort me.

My dad stopped giving me Christmas and birthday presents four years ago. (My punishment for dating a guy he doesn't like). My mom, bless her heart, gives me the same bath spray which has been piling up in my linen closet for the past five years. It has been a really long time since I've exchanged decent presents with anyone.

Well, I am so beaten down and penniless this year, that I have gone beyond wanting material things for Christmas (or my birthday, which is two days later).

Here is MY grown-up Christmas list. If I can just get ONE of these things, life will be a little happier this holiday season.

1. If you know me personally (i.e. a facebook friend, a real friend, or, I don't know, you conceived me) don't ask me every single day if I have found a job yet. Believe me, when I find a job, you will be the FIRST PERSON TO KNOW. There will be facebook statuses about my new job. There will be a blog post about my new job. I will call you to tell you the news. I will e-mail you. Chances are, you will be sick of hearing about my new job. Please stop asking, because every time you ask me, I die a little inside. It reminds me that I pretty much suck as a person. Thanks.

2. Dear Frat Boy Who Lives in the Apartment Across From Me: Please close your window and/or shut your blinds at night. I am SO TIRED of glancing outside my bedroom window and catching you masturbate to internet porn. Again. With the lights on. Because next time, I will video you and put it on youtube and tag your name to it. Not kidding.

3. I would really appreciate it if my hand could stop grabbing food and my mouth could stop chewing it. This midnight snacking is getting kind of ridiculous. Put down the fucking goldfish crackers! ABORT! ABORT! SPIT OUT NOW! No, do NOT swallow. Nooooo!...somebody please tazer me next time.

4. If you love me, at least laugh at my jokes once in a while. Humor is all I have going for me right now. My looks are fading. My figure has expanded. My intelligence left a long time ago. Could you...at least pretend? I'll take a fake laugh over a blank stare at this point.

5. Be nice to to me. Don't cut me off in traffic because I'm only going five over the speed limit. Don't expect me to bend over backwards for you for the millionth time when you won't even return the favor. Don't ignore me while I'm pouring my heart out to you. Please, just be nice.

I could go on forever, but I'll spare you.

I don't think Santa can bring me these presents...

Oh, and for those of you who skimmed over this post because you either don't care or you don't want to leave your happy Christmas bubble (and I really don't blame you), here is a photo of a Christmas puppy to stare at. Enjoy!