Creepy Bird Advice

I have this bad habit where I take things too far.

I got this habit from my mother. When she likes something, she becomes obsessed. For instance, she is addicted to dieting and exercise, even though she's 100 pounds. She's addicted to garage sale shopping, even though she can afford new things. She's addicted to 1970s music, even though it's 2011.

Another thing she is obsessed with is birds. I grew up in a household where there were always birds. Parakeets. Canaries. Lovebirds. Finches.

Right now, she has a lovebird named Daisy, pictured below.



When my mom brought Daisy home two years ago, it was apparent that Daisy was a brat. She bit everyone, especially my mom, really hard, drawing blood. It has gotten to the point where we are all terrified of her. It is a far cry from my mom's previous lovebird, Lily, who was gentle and sweet. (May she rest in peace).

Daisy isn't just mean to us. She's mean to everyone!

For example, one evening in 2009, I dropped my mom off at her Birdie & Me meeting and went to the mall. (Birdie & Me is a group of middle-aged women who get together and introduce their birds. It's a place for bird owners to make friends and birds to make friends). I had only been browsing the Forever 21 racks for ten minutes, when I got a phone call from my mom. She was sobbing so hard, I could barely make out what she was saying. I rushed to pick her up and when I got there, she told me the whole story. Apparently Daisy had attacked everyone at the meeting, including their birds. She caused such a ruckus and drew so much blood, the women kicked my mom out of the house! She was devastated.



Well, my mom has been trying to find ways to bond with Daisy ever since that Birdie & Me incident two years ago.

At my parents' house, Daisy's cage is always open. She eats with them at the dinner table, nibbling food off their plates and sipping wine out of their glasses.

But these small privileges have only made Daisy even more spoiled. She still bites. And now she has an attitude, like she thinks she's better than everyone else.

Well, my mom recently sought help on how to deal with her ill-tempered lovebird. The advice she got back was astounding.

She was told, by an expert, that in order to make a real connection with Daisy, she was going to have to pretend to be Daisy's mate. This would mean allowing Daisy to masturbate on her daily.

Needless to say, I was horrified. And then I realized it was time to intervene. I forbid my mother from taking this advice and I quickly deleted the e-mail from her inbox.

Our family is dysfunctional enough, without my mother entering into a sexual relationship with a parrot.



I believe there is a fine line between loving a pet and taking it TOO FAR. If Daisy wants to be a little bitch and bite everyone, well then, that's life. My mom needs to deal with it or find another solution.

Having Daisy masturbate on her every single day merely to earn her respect and love is completely out of the question.

Am I correct here? Letting a bird get off on you is weird, right? Or am I just being prude?