I'm sorry I'm not sorry

A few people were a little irked about my blog from a few days ago ("My friend has a stalker"). Unfortunately for them, I have no apologies.

Kerrie approved the blog before I wrote it. And there is nothing in that blog post that her stalker doesn't already know. In fact, he or she already knows a lot more personal stuff about Kerrie than I have ever posted on here. (We know that from the letters she received).

After all, we are talking about someone who has googled Kerrie for months. They found her home address, her e-mail address, her parents' names, her facebook, and her blog. The internet is a cesspool of personal information about people from our generation. Whether you like it or not, fragments of your life are caught up in the web, so easy for anyone to find.

So my saying in my personal blog that Kerrie has a stalker and saying I'm concerned about her really isn't anything new to her stalker. It's just me being a concerned friend and letting all my other friends around the world know what is going on in my life. Because Kerrie is a huge part of my life.

And I'm not going to pretend this isn't happening to her.

Art and a pow wow

The weekend has been going pretty good so far.

On Friday night Kerrie and I went to the art district to shop for swimming suits, visit some friends, eat sushi, invade a cozy little bakery, and take in a few galleries. It was pleasant. We even ran into Paul (Kerrie's bf) and hung out with him for a few hours. He bought me chips and salsa from Chipotle later that night, so I couldn't complain about the interruption. ;)










And then this afternoon, I tagged along with my parents to an Indian pow wow at the community college. My blond-haired, blue-eyed Swedish mother was invited there to sell her popular Indian head dresses. Leave it to my mom to sell the Indians back their culture. Ha. And then there was some amusing confusion with people thinking my dad was their kind of Indian (he hails from the actual country). It was a lot of fun. I even got a free Indian taco out of the trip. Yummy!

My friend has a stalker

This is Kerrie.

She's pretty. She's young. She's sweetly innocent for a college student.

She is being stalked.

Apparently there is an obsessive boy or jealous girl out to get her and it's scaring me.

It started last month when she received very nasty blog comments from an anonymous person, threatening her and calling her names. She just thought it was a troll. And then within a week, three letters arrived at her house, telling her to be "careful."

So obviously this person knows where Kerrie lives.

And then the other night someone started making gross sexual noises and banging on the windows of her house. It was especially troublesome because Kerrie lives with her mom, older sister, and little niece and nephew. The noises woke up her one-year-old niece, who was frightened (and who can blame the poor little thing?) for the rest of the night.

Kerrie didn't see who the person was but managed to catch a glimpse of someone running down the street. A neighbor and Kerrie both called the police. That same neighbor told the police she couldn't tell if the person running away was a woman or a "chubby 14-year-old boy." Weird.

What makes this whole situation even more strange is that Kerrie doesn't have any enemies. She doesn't have time to make them. This year, school has been insanely busy for her. And when she's not studying, she's spending time with me or her boyfriend, Paul.

I'm really concerned about Kerrie. I don't like the fact someone is watching her and trying to scare her. Who knows what he or she will do next. I used to feel comforted by the fact Kerrie lives across the street from a police officer. But he's been in Europe for the past two weeks. And I think whoever went to Kerrie's house the other night knew that...?

I do feel a little bit better because Kerrie's mom freaked out about the incident big time. She was so worried it was someone trying to kidnap her grandchildren, she made Rian (my boyfriend and Kerrie's brother) miss work today so he could help install security cameras around the outside of their house. Like they live in a freaking shopping mall.

I can only pray that will help.

But I'm still so sick with worry for my friend. That awful person is still out there, just waiting to get her.

I feel so helpless because I don't know what to do. Put Kerrie in my purse until the stalker is caught? Yeah, right.

At least she is surrounded by support right now. Her family is incredibly worried. And she couldn't have a better boyfriend. Paul is so concerned and furious about what is happening. Every time a new incident occurs, he tries everything he can to comfort her fears and protect her. It has brought them closer in a way. And Kerrie is so lucky to have that right now.

And I think the same can be said about our friendship. I've realized that I will really do anything to save a friend. And I've learned that Kerrie is like a younger sister to me. And I would die if anything happened to her.

I really hope everything turns out okay.

I'm sorry to go on about this, but I'm so worried...

Okay, I'm NOT ready

I'm sorry to go on and on about motherhood.

But after the death of the rabbits, my maternal aspirations went out the door as well. Because reality set in. One of my friends found out she's pregnant. She hasn't even told her boyfriend yet. On the surface, this isn't really that big a deal for me. I have two close friends who are pregnant. But they are 25 and married. They are excited. They are ready. My poor little friend isn't.

And it made me realize that if I were in the same position. I wouldn't be ready either.

Bringing somebody new into this world is a life-changing experience. From the day the child is born, you have to put your own identity on hold for a while and be a mom. You have to take care of the baby. Nurture it. Put it first. Until it's ready to take care of itself and god knows when that's going to be.

Once you're a mom, finding time for yourself is going to be tough. Want to hang out with friends? Better find a babysitter. Want to peacefully read a book? Hopefully the kid will let you. Want to be romantic with your husband/boyfriend? Good luck.

And I personally know that having a child would make me a round-the-clock nervous wreck. I'm already a worry-wart when it comes to my parents. (If they're late, I assume the worst. If they don't return my calls right away, I freak out). So if I had kids, I would never get any sleep. Random stuff happens to children all the time. Just recently, my cousin's three-year-old daughter accidentally severed part of her finger in a door. I almost fainted when I heard the news. Imagine if that happened to my kid...I'd have to be hospitalized too!

And right now, I want to enjoy being selfish while I can. I want to go out with friends any time I please. I want to spend a quiet evening reading a book and drinking hot cocoa, without being disturbed. I want to go for a walk and not have to worry about anything.

Someday I will have kids. But I'm definitely not ready right now.

I'm young and I want to feel it.

And all I can do for my friend is just be supportive...and thankful it isn't me.

I am no longer a mother

Well, both of my babies died today.

I hadn't even named them yet.

The weak one died around noon, the strong one at 5:30 p.m.

They were simply too young. I tried everything I could. I fed them on the hour. I made sure they were warm.

The strong one fought it to the very end. He was squirming in agony and I held him in my hand until his very last breath. He wanted so badly to live and there was nothing I could do to save him. It was very hard to accept.

And I feel so tired today. I wasn't expecting to grieve so deeply. I just sat in the apartment alone this afternoon, crying because life isn't fair. I thought those two babies would have a second chance.

But I have to accept what everyone is telling me: that's nature.

Right.

I am a mother!

I am now a mother…

…of two baby bunnies!

Last night, when I was eating dinner at my parents’ house, I received a phone call from a man named Jason.

“You have to help me,” he said, breathlessly. “I have a rabbit emergency.”

I stared into space for a few seconds with a strained expression. What did he say? And why the hell is he calling me?

“I remembered you mentioned in class once that you are a rabbit expert,” he continued. “You’re the only one who can save these rabbits!”

And then a dawning of understanding arose in me and I froze.

Oh. Shit.

You see, five years ago when I was a young, wide-eyed college sophomore, I kind of fibbed. We were in Media Writing Class and for some reason, the professor made us go around the room and state something incredibly interesting about ourselves. I didn’t have the Jimmy Choo sandals yet, so I didn’t have anything fab to say. So for some reason, I blurted out that I was a rabbit expert. I might have also mentioned that the federal wildlife foundation had contacted me on emergency cases in the past. Everyone was so impressed, I just kept going on.

I didn’t expect them to remember my tale FIVE YEARS LATER.

So I feebly told Jason I would be at his house right away. My dad (who thought the story was HILARIOUS and who thankfully swore not to say anything to contradict my supposed expertise) drove me there. We arrived at Jason’s house and he explained the situation. Apparently there are two baby rabbits. They were born yesterday. A cat ate their brothers and sisters and their mom. He showed me the box. When I looked inside, a wave of relief swept over me.

“These aren’t rabbits, these are baby mice,” I told him, looking at the small black balls nestling in the box.

He looked at his wife and they both looked at me. No, they said, these are baby rabbits.

I laughed and said “of course, I was just testing you.”

And then their four-year-old son came in the room and looked at me, wide-eyed. “Are you going to save the bunnies?” he asked me.

My heart melted. “Yes, I’m going to save them,” I said, confidently. He cheered. Emotions ran through me. I felt like I was in a Jimmy Stewart movie.

So on the way back to my parents’ house, rabbits in tow, I frantically called PetSmart. “What the fuck do I do?” I kept asking the salesman. He calmed me down and explained all I could do was feed the babies goat milk twice a day and keep them warm. “They may live, or they might not,” he warned me. “So don’t get too attached right now.”

So I didn’t name them.

But it’s too late. I’m already attached. And while Rian and I were feeding them at home this morning, a strange sensation took over me. And then I realized it was a maternal feeling.

I am a mother!

Hobo Chic

Kerrie and I had a fab day (again).

We started out with lunch at Bluebird Bistro, a quaint little vegetarian cafe located in the historical part of town.

While we waited for our meals, we nibbled grilled polenta served with local chevre, pesto, roasted organic tomato puree and olive tapenade. It was delicious. Kerrie eventually had the Quinoa Stuffed Chard and I had the Black Bean Burger. It was so incredible we thought we were going to melt out of our seats.



And then we grabbed a slice of Vegan Orange Cake (with chocolate frosting) to go and decided to have another hobo chic adventure.



We started these hobo chic adventures a year ago on Kerrie's birthday. It's basically when we travel to the industrial part of town and drink champagne, while walking on the railroad tracks. This is both fun and dangerous, because trains speed by every ten minutes.

I think sometimes we get tired of our suburban lives and we just want to escape. Kerrie and I both grew up in upper middle class neighborhoods. Giant cookie-cutter houses. Manicured lawns. Mercedes and Volvos in every driveway. Sometimes it's fun to get away from what you know. And maybe one of these days we'll get crazy enough to jump one of the freights screaming past us on a dreary afternoon.

But today we just drank Martini & Rossi champagne out of styrofoam cups and half the cake slice. We didn't jump the fence this time. We were too lazy.



Afterward, we went to Halls and admired Prada purses, Monolo Blahnik heels, and shimmering gold necklaces. We even hit up the juice bar (Kelly Caleche, anyone?).

And after going into a few stores, we ended up going to Express where we ran into my ex-boyfriend. Awkwardness. And then we went into the Gap where we ran into our friend Jonny's ex-boyfriend. Even more awkwardness.

So we decided to call it a day.

Well, after we had another bottle of champagne. ;)