I'm back!

I think it has been a year since I left. Strange.

I knew I was going to resume blogging after the pregnancy, but I wasn't sure when or where. I spent months wondering if I should jump-start this blog or simply start a new one.

After all, I've changed completely since last fall. I'm not the same person. I've gone through an emotional and physical transformation. I guess having another human being ripped from your body will do that to you. I also just think I've been forced to grow up the past year.

But in the end, I decided starting a new blog would be too exhausting. All my friends are here. I don't want to confuse my readers. My posts aren't going to be much different. This isn't all of the sudden going to turn into a I'm-just-another-cool-mom blog where I post organic gluten-free recipes and conduct detailed reviews of strollers. Well, maybe I would do a stroller review. If the stroller was free. (I'm still poor.)

Anyway, it just makes sense to stay.

I actually went back and read every single one of my previous posts. That's five years worth of blogging. Talk about cringe-worthy. It was like going back and reading my middle school diary. Lets just say stuff that happened in 2009 needs to stay in 2009, amiright?

I also categorized most of my posts (which you can view on my sidebar), so it's easier navigate in case you're looking for something specific. Another reason I decided to stay was because during my absence, I still had a lot of people commenting on old posts or stumbling across my blog by accident. It's eye-opening to realize something I wrote three years ago still touches people today.

Before I sign out for the night, I want to tell you about my son. He was born in July and his name is Neill. He's super cute and he likes to giggle when I say any word that starts with "p" like "pumpkin" or "poop." For some reason, he thinks it's hilarious, so I roll with it.

I debated about posting a photo of him here (I recently came across a story about creepy instagram trolls who steal photos of babies off blogs and pretend its theirs). But, you know what, screw them. I have hundreds of photos of Neill, so I'll let the internet have one.

That's my baby. He's going to be four months old in a week! Where does time go?!

Since I've been gone...

I fell off the grid.

I thought it would be fitting to come back here this afternoon, seven days after my blog's five year anniversary.

You see, back in November, my life kind of turned upside down. I was already incredibly unhappy at the time. My depression has snowballed over the past few years. I stopped being interested in things that interest me. I had no desire to write anymore. To read books from my favorite authors. To even hang out with friends very much. Nothing inspired me.

Then, I found out by accident that I'm pregnant.

I was covering a city council meeting and right when the big issue came up, which was supposed to be my big story, I ran to the bathroom and threw up for more than an hour. I thought I was dying.

My dad took me to the hospital. We found out that I wasn't dying, but in fact doing the opposite by creating life.

Since Rian still has another semester of graduate school left and he's living on campus two hours away, I gave up my apartment and moved back in with my parents so I could use my measly freelance journalist paycheck to pay off my debt and save up for my inevitable medical expenses.

It has been a huge shock and it took me several months to come to terms with my situation. I found out a little while ago that I'm having a boy. I'm due in late June or early July.

Well, now that the shock has worn off and the distraction is no longer a novelty, I'm back to facing my pre-pregnancy demons.

I need inspiration. I long for creativity. I wish I could regain that passion I used to have for, well, anything.

But instead, I go through the motions of everyday life. I do my job. I watch television. I spend most of my time staring into space, not really thinking about anything until I realize half the day is gone.

Exciting, eh?

What do you do when you need to get out of a slump? When you seek creative inspiration? When you want to jumpstart your ambitions?

I've been exposed.

Several months ago, a blog friend of mine accidentally posted a link to his lingerie blog to his personal Facebook page.

It freaked him out so much, he deleted his entire blog. This was a good blog too. An encyclopedia of lingerie, I used to joke to him. It was one of the most impressive fashion blogs I knew. Several years had been put into it.

My friend had good reason to freak the fuck out. He was an alpha male with an explosive secret. If I remember correctly, only his wife knew about his guilty pleasure: wearing pantyhose underneath his jeans. His friends, his family, and his coworkers finding out about it? That would have ruined his life. I felt bad for him. While I was deeply saddened he was leaving the blogosphere, I understood he really didn't have a choice.

There's nothing like a cold splash of water in your face to wake you up.

Recently, I discovered that somebody I didn't want to find out about my blog found out about it.

Of course, my situation isn't as worrisome as my friend's. In fact, I really don't have a big secret to hide at all.

But my privacy has been compromised. A large group of people I didn't want to know my inner most thoughts now know this blog exists. My soul is exposed.

I have always been comfortable writing about my life on this blog. It's kind of like getting to be naked in public and not worrying about it. That feeling is incredible. It's freedom.

But now that feeling has been snuffed out. My privacy has been violated.

I suppose it's my fault. I started this blog anonymously, but with photos and stories and whatnot, it eventually got more personal. I kept that distance from any identification, however. But I grew careless. I linked it somewhere I really shouldn't have. Silly me.

It's the same mentality that has kept me from completing my memoir. Some of my stories are so intensely personal, so morbidly raw, that I can't bring myself to write them down next to my name. So I leave the book unfinished, sitting immobile in a folder on my laptop. I'm not ready to have everyone in my life exposed to everything in my life.

So, what do I do now? I thought seriously about deleting this blog. But that would be pointless. They've probably already read everything. And why should I delete something I'm proud of?

I've thought about abandoning this blog. My readership has dwindled significantly. I'm not passionate about doing biographies anymore. I already spend a lot of hours working on stories for a newspaper and getting paid shit for it. The thought of putting even more hours into a doomed starlet post, and not get paid anything for it, makes me want to vomit.

But a part of me is so attached to this blog. It's like my child. How can I give it up? I just can't. It makes me so sad to even think about it. Even if it has become a ghost town. Even if I don't post here very often anymore.

I really shouldn't let this group of people, who now know this blog exists, win. I mean, I need to stop giving a fuck what everyone in my life thinks about me. I need to have courage.

Because this is ME.

I shouldn't be ashamed of being human. Of having feelings and experiences and thoughts that aren't pure, perfect.

I'm a romantic. I'm a bitch. I'm a storyteller. I'm hurt. I'm exhausted.

But more importantly,

I'm hope.

The truth.

I've been gone for a really long time.

Have you noticed?

I know I don't really owe an explanation of sorts. I mean, bloggers are entitled to a break, right?

But if you're still reading this blog, it means you probably care, so I'm going to tell you.

I'm depressed.

There it is, in black and white. Well, pink.

I have several (fifteen to be exact, I actually made a fucking list) major problems going on in my life right now that cannot be easily solved. It's a complicated hot mess involving mistakes I made in the past, a severe lack of finances, and family issues.

And I'm crushed underneath it all.

As a result, I just don't care about anything anymore. I avoid my friends. I have no desire to write personally or blog. I'm not in the mood to learn about anything.

When I'm not working, I'm guzzling black tea and listlessly reading Jane Austen fan fiction novels. Or, you know, sobbing into a pillow.

Anyway, I thought you should know the reason for my unexplained absence.

Tonight is my first step back into writing. I don't have the energy to research doomed starlets or fabulous gay men anymore. I'm sorry.

But since I can't afford therapy, perhaps spilling my soul onto this screen will help me in another way.

I can't let my unhappiness win.

I don't want it to.

Don't look! I'm naked!

A little while ago, a friend of mine deleted his blog.

He accidentally posted a link to it on a social network site and although he deleted the link before anybody saw it, he still panicked and deleted his entire blog, just to be safe. His blog topic was intensely private, he blogged under a secret persona, and he didn't want anyone in his family to know about it.

As a fan, it saddened me to see the blog disappear. After all, this blogger had spent years accumulating hundreds and hundreds of posts on a topic very few people know about. It was like an encyclopedia! And now, all gone!

But as a blogger, I understood his action.

I'm semi-anonymous on this blog. Believe it or not, my real name isn't really Jennifer Fabulous.

It's Angelina Jolie.

JUST KIDDING.

My real name is Jennifer. But I have a different last name. It's unique, so I don't put it here. After all, I'm a reporter and the last thing I want is for people I interview to google me and come across my personal blog. I say unsavory words like "fuck" and "shit" and "Kim Kardashian" on here. I reveal personal stories about my life. I make fun of people who need to be made fun of.

I keep it real. Too real for people in my real life to handle.

You know what I mean?

It's the same reason people in my family don't know about my blog.

I literally created this blog as an escape from my life. So I could vent and cry and laugh and be myself, without having fear that people closest to me are judging me.

If my family found out about my blog, I wouldn't kill my blog like my friend did, but the tone of this blog would change. It would make blogging less fun. I would always have my guard up, wondering if my dad is disgusted by the amount of cuss words I use or if my mom thinks I'm being too silly or whatever. (That is actually what my mom said when she read my diary in 1999. I'm silly).

I love my parents, of course. But let's be real, a girl needs a place where she can be silly.

So, that's why I remain a little bit anonymous online.

It has me wondering too, if I'm alone.

Are there a lot of bloggers out there who hide their blog from their family? Their friends? Their pets?

If so, why?

If someone in your real world discovered your blog, how would you feel?

Tell me.

Is Blogging Dead?

My blog is dying.

Readership has dropped significantly over the past six months. I used to get 100 comments. Then 50. Then 30. Now, I'm lucky to hit the 20 mark. My stats are embarrassing.

I know, I know. I shouldn't care, right? After all, I have more than 900 followers, so why complain? And I should be blogging because I love it. Because I enjoy writing. Because it keeps me creative. It's an outlet for my despair. Whatever.

And isn't the cardinal rule of blogging not to complain about stats and comments? Because then it reveals that you're a human being who wants to be loved. Who wants people to think you're awesome, and it's embarrassing when you realize you're not.

But, I'm not going to lie. It sucks. Every time I log into Blogger, I'm constantly asking myself what I'm doing wrong.

I thought it was just me. But after talking to several other bloggers over the past few months, I discovered it's a wide-spread infection.

It's almost like blogging isn't really that cool anymore. The world is rapidly spiraling into another dimension.

People don't want to read stories anymore. They just want pure content. And they want it to be hilarious.

They want a quick list from Buzzfeed on their iPhones, showing them cats wearing berets and the top 10 reasons why dumb shit is hysterical. Everyone is on the move, and they don't have time to slow down.

This really shouldn't come as a surprise to me. I was shown the future five years ago, and I refused to believe it.

I applied for a position at a pop culture magazine. At the job interview, the editor warned me that the magazine was going to be less articles and more lists. "People our age don't want to sit down and read a story," she said. "They want bullet points."

I was horrified, and it showed on my face. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

Well, I've been trying to keep up. You may have noticed in recent months that I don't write personal stories anymore. I've been trying to do lists. But, I like to write and they don't give me the same satisfaction.

I'm not sure what to do. Perhaps I'm naive, but I really don't want to give up on this blog just yet.

I've put a lot of heart and soul into it.

I find it interesting that my sentiment coincides with the impending death of Google Reader.

Clearly, I'm not the only one noticing the future of blogging is morphing into a blurrish form.

Perhaps my blog just needs to grow up. Change with the times.

Tell me. Do you want to see more Buzzfeed-type lists here? Or do you prefer my writing?

Or better yet, what do you LIKE about my blog?

I've been spammed!

Well kids, it looks like the joke is on me.

After (nearly) four years, I finally learned a very valuable blogging lesson: USE THE FUCKING CAPTCHA!

I prided myself on being a captcha-free blog. After all, I can barely read the stupid letters myself, so why make my readers do the same? It's annoying as shit. And I can't even count how many times I've come across other bloggers bitching about it too.

I figured my blog was too obscure to attract spammers.

Well, it was...until December.

Since December, I have gotten more than 10,000 comments. All spam. And since I've been so busy, I didn't even notice what had happened until two days ago.

I've tried deleting as many as possible. But let's face it, unless I quit my job, there's no way I'm ever going to have time to get rid of every single comment a computer generated. We're talking hundreds of comments per post. I have a life.

What's even creepier is that the spammers are getting more creative. There were actually spam comments pretending to be my blog friends, by leaving their name and the name of their blog. When I approached each blogger, to see if the weird comment was really theirs, it wasn't. And they were horrified. It makes me wonder how many of you have gotten spam comments from me.

(For the record, I will never ask you to "buy Viagra for a low price by clicking the link.") A high price, maybe. JUST KIDDING. Do not click the link! Tell me immediately!

Spammers are going to eat us.

That's my lesson this year.

My blog is not feeling very fabulous right now.

The verdict is in...

I've been thinking about it all weekend, and I've come to the reality that I can't give up my blog.

I enjoy it too much.

That being said, you might notice a change.

I'm going to make this blog a little more...self-indulgent.

One of the reasons I started blogging three years ago was so I could have a place where I could vent. A place where I could be myself without fear of people in my life judging me. A place where I could be creative. A place where I could write for myself.

And somewhere in the process of this blog becoming a success, I feel like I lost that aspect. I started blogging for "them." What would "they" like to read? What would interest "them"? I spent a lot of time researching topics that I didn't necessarily care about. And when that post would only receive a few comments, I would feel discouraged and worn out.

I'm not going to give up on the researched posts. You'll still see biographies of doomed, yet forgotten starlets, just not as often. I'll still review movies and books and recipes. I'll probably have more of those kinds of posts that make you go "what the fuck is she on?" (like this one). And I'm going to get more personal on here.

Unfortunately, since I'm a freelance journalist, I can't afford a therapist, so I might turn here when things get rough.

You're going to get to know me.

To get started, let me introduce myself properly.

My name is Jennifer (no shit) and this is me:

I like people to think I'm cute, so I take hundreds of photos of myself until I finally see one that's halfway decent for me to post on Facebook.

I'm in my mid-20s, but crawling towards a number I can't even write without bursting into tears.

The majority of my best friends are gay men. I only have a few close girlfriends here in town that I hang out with on a regular basis. One, I grew up across the street from for ten years. The other, I met through our blogs. And the last one, I met in a mental institution (we were visiting the same person).

I share joint custody of a fish. His father is an artist currently living in Berlin.

My boyfriend is in graduate school, riding on a pretty impressive fellowship.

I'm obsessed with lipstick.

I used to really like olives, but now I'm on the fence.

Anyway, that's just a little bit about me.

Nice to meet you. (And thanks for the love).

Hello? Is anybody out there?

...

Do you hear that? It's the sound of crickets.

Perhaps I'm being paranoid, but the blogosphere seems like a ghost town to me. It's something I've noticed in the past few months.

There used to be a time when this blog would get up to 200 comments. Then 100. Then 50. Now I'm lucky to hit 20.

My stat numbers are the same, but it's mostly a direct result of google searches. This blog has become an encyclopedia of pop culture for strangers around the world.

But I don't want to be a reference.

And I don't like the way the blogosphere works. I'm tired of it.

When you start a blog, a lot of people offer advice on how to get more "readers." Because that leads to "advertising."

They don't tell you the reality. If you want comments, you need to comment on other people's blogs. So, if you want 200 comments on a post, you better be prepared to give up your entire life, because you're going to have to comment on 200 blogs. Every fucking time. (Unless you're Jane from Sea of Shoes. And nobody becomes Sea of Shoes overnight. Sorry, kids.)

If you want followers, you have to follow others back.

I understand the blogosphere is a community. And without this two-way street, I seriously would not have met some of the most important friends in my life. It's as simple as that.

But having a successful blog is exhausting. I don't have time to comment on other blogs, just to receive comments. I'm uninterested in following somebody merely for their follow back. Why bother.

I had a goal to reach 1,000 followers this year, and I'm so burnt out, I don't even want that many anymore. Because it's not real. It will just be a bunch of random fashion bloggers who follow me, hoping I'll follow back, and then after a few months, think I'm not paying attention, and un-follow me so they can start following others.

It's juvenile and I'm too old for this shit.

And after almost four years of blogging, I keep feeling like I shouldn't have to adhere to these rules anymore. If my blog is good, it should stand on its own.

If not, maybe I need to consider spending my time elsewhere.

If you're a blogger, than you probably realize how much time I put into these posts. Yeah, these are random topics straight off the top of my head, but for the most part, they're thoroughly researched. I'm a journalist. I was trained to be a fact-checker.

And I can't help but think that perhaps this blog isn't worth the effort anymore.

Especially if nobody reads blogs anymore. I seriously can't be the only blogger noticing the chill in the air. I can't be the only blogger with a declining readership.

Or maybe I just suck.

Anyway.

That's all.

An Ode to Outfit Posts

I'm sorry I have been MIA for the past several days.

Not only have I been swamped with work, but I need to take a short break from the researched posts I've been doing lately. It seems every time I get a free minute to blog, I stare at my list of blogspiration and ideas I've jotted down in my journal, and quite frankly, I'm too exhausted to work on any of them. That shit takes time!

I even thought of conjuring up a quick outfit post for you guys, but I'm currently wearing pink sweatpants and a powder blue Portland souvenir t-shirt. Somehow I don't think that outfit would stack up against the jaw-dropping fierceness of Da Paura, the colorful, playful style of Amber's Mouthwash, or the effortless bohemian chic of Vintage Vixen.

(Amber's Mouthwash)

(And don't even get me started on the uncontrollable swag of Glam Kitten's Litterbox, the Indian glamour of Leia's Delights, the cheerful fabulousness of Oh to be a Muse, the affordable fashion at Dina's Days, and the enviable ensembles at Tanvii.)

(Tanvii.com)

Speaking of fashion blogs and outfit posts, am I the only girl here who could care less about the glossy, high-fashion, over-rated ad rags that are bragged about in all the magazines? I think you know which blogs I'm talking about.

I don't find inspiration from rich model wanna-be's who have 500 pairs of Prada pumps and a closet filled with couture. That's boring. If I wanted to see the latest designer dress, I'd just skim through the pages of Elle to see a real model wearing it better.

When I go to fashion blogs, I'd rather see this:

(Oh to Be a Muse)

My inspiration comes from the girls who boast unique style, which embodies their personality and lifestyle.

I have found myself becoming a more critical thrift store junkie by keeping up with Ashley at Milk Teeths. I have literally scoured Forever 21 for similar modern-Audrey inspired dresses I've seen on Imogen over at Tia Cherie. My Converse sneakers have seen the light of day again thanks to Sherin at Hi Fashion.

(Milk Teeths)

These are all just a handful of the girls who inspire me. These are the fashion bloggers who make me excited to get dolled up for a girls night out or a romantic date with my man.

They are also my friends.

Which fashion bloggers inspire you?

Dear Jennifer

I don't want to sound like a conceited bitch, but I know everything.

...Or, at least, I think I do. This confidence I exude gives people the belief that I know what I'm talking about. So, it makes them comfortable in confiding in me or asking me very serious questions, to which I am clearly the only person who can help.

Google knows this.

Every single day, hundreds of people are referred to my blog from Google, after asking the most random and profound questions in the search box. And only I can help them.



Call me a professor of bottomless wisdom, if you may.

Here is a batch of questions or statements which have brought people to my blog recently:

Is the war on heaven really over?
Google referred this lost soul to my review on Confessions of a Shopaholic. I can only assume this person found exactly what they were looking for in my poetic words about the endearing spending habits of Becky Bloomwood.


My boyfriend is gay and I'm not sure what to do about it.
It's over, sweetie. There is nothing you can do about it.


I think I might be gay and do I tell my parents?

First, make sure you're certain. There should be no "might be" about it. And yes, if you are gay, you probably should tell your family. Otherwise your life is going to get extremely complicated and incredibly miserable.


I know you're thinking of me when you're fucking her
Hmmm...


Lesbian bitches kissing each other
I don't promote porn of any kind on this blog, but if you are looking for some high-quality films in which females lock lips, I highly suggest the following: Black Swan, Mulholland Dr., and Vicky Cristina Barcelona.


Sexy fat girl
Sigh. Yes, that would be me.


Why are Indian girls so hot?



Because we were born that way, baby.


How to be a hipster


The steps are quite easy.

1. Move to Portland.

2. Buy your entire wardrobe at Urban Outfitters, but tell people you only go thrifting.

3. Only listen to new, indie music that nobody else has heard of and then tell people you liked the band BEFORE they went mainstream.

4. Go vegan.

5. Own everything that Apple has ever made.

6. Only be seen at local coffee shops because Starbucks is corporate and therefore against everything you represent.

7. Did I mention owning everything Apple ever made?

8. NEVER call yourself a hipster. Or you will get your ass kicked.


Who is Anne Hathaway's boyfriend?


Anne is currently engaged to Adam Shulman, an actor and jewelry designer.


What is the fax Phil Collins sent to his last wife?
I'm sorry, but if I told you, I would have to kill you.


Who is Jonny Fabulous?



I want to marry Morrissey.

You and me both, honey. You and me both.


Will Swedish girls find me attractive?

If you have to ask, then probably not.


I wish I was Jennifer Fabulous
That's right, bitches. You all wish you could be me.


Any more questions?

You know you're a fashion blogger if...

15. You have a boyfriend, husband, or mother who is sick of taking your photo.

14. You know what color-blocking means.

13. Almost every single clothing item or accessory you own has been displayed on the internet, at least once.

12. "Fabulous" and "gorgeous" and "amazing" are the most commonly used words in your vocabulary.

11. You accidentally sign an e-mail with “xoxo”… to your boss.

10. You know what random girls around the world have been wearing every single day for two years, but you still don’t know their last names.

9. You don’t think #10 is weird.

8. You have lied and said you liked a blogger’s outfit, even though you thought it was crap.

7. You have kindly written “nice post!” on someone’s blog even though the post was written in foreign language, and pretty much could have been political propaganda demanding you to join the Communist Party.

6. You are personally insulted if someone stops following you, and then you spend too much time trying to figure out who it was and why they left.

5. Most of your followers are girls under the age of 25.

4. You display the contents of your purse to strangers. And they actually care.

3. If you ever decide to travel abroad, you most likely have at least one contact in every country.

2. You have received the same blog award, at least three times.

1. You’re smiling because you know exactly what I’m talking about.

One Year Anniversary

"Here I am with another blog. I'm not sure if it's an outlet into my soul or another vain attempt to show everyone my fabulously warped little world."-Jennifer Fabulous, Feb. 12, 2009

Today is my blog's one year anniversary.

It's so strange to think how fast time has gone. Sometimes it seems just like yesterday, sometimes it feels like ten years ago. So much has happened and yet so little has changed.

When I wrote my first blog post, I never dreamed that a year later not only would I still have my blog, but I would have more than 100 followers. I think that's kind of cool. It has become my creative outlet, my journal, and my portal for making friends. A place for me to vent, a place for me to cry, and a place for me to laugh.

Here are some of my favorite posts from the past year (is this narcissistic? Eh, I don't care):

-That time I wanted to be Greta Garbo.
-Introducing the world to the other Jenny Benny.
-My Bollywood obsession
-My church's Pastor McDreamy
-After facing a shameful lie, I found myself the mother of two newborn rabbits.
-I confess a serious addiction.
-The day I had Angelina Jolie lips.
-My Betsey Johnson shopping spree!
-Three words: Sour Cream Lady.

Since I don't have enough money for a fancy giveaway, I decided to give you something else instead. I made you a video of myself. I figure its as personal as I can get over the internet. This is my first video I have made for the internet, so I'm sorry its not very good. Haha.




Thank you for being one of the main reasons I have smiled over the past year.

And I hope you all have a fabulous weekend! xoxo