Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Movie Star Day

My life is falling apart.

I’m thousands of dollars in debt because of my car.

I’m fat.

I work long hours for little pay at a thankless job.

And now I can add gingivitis to my list.

And it’s not even my fault. That’s what kills me.

You see, it turns out I have a shitty dentist (or used to, I’m totally switching).

For years, I’ve been seeing this Tom Cruise look-alike. He never really paid much attention to my teeth. For years, I had been telling him about a clear, hard substance on my teeth, near my gums, that just wouldn’t come off with any amount of brushing/flossing. He acted like it was nothing. And I let him do that because I was always blinded by his sexy Jerry Maguire grin.

Out of curiosity, I went to a periodontist a couple weeks ago to see if he could tell me what was wrong. And after one appointment, this doctor (who looks like Richard Nixon) already knew the problem. It turns out that I still had glue from my braces stuck to a few of my teeth, near the gum line. Nixon was shocked my dentist hadn’t caught it after all these years. (I had my braces taken off in 2001).

And Nixon is nice (he calls me “Tooty Fruity”...although he has never offered an explanation why). He seems a lot more concerned about my well being than Tom ever did.

So today I went in for my big appointment—the process of getting the glue taken off my teeth. It required the staff to numb my lips with a strange lotion and then numb my gums with a needle injection. Even after all the numbing, it still hurt like hell.

After the operation, my whole face felt swollen and I could not talk. (Nixon: “How are you feeling, Tooty Fruity?” Me: “Gurggggh” Nixon: “That’s great!”)

I went into the bathroom to fix my makeup and view the damage. I looked into the mirror and gasped.

I looked like Angelina Jolie! It was a miracle!

I quickly rushed back to the periodontist office and waved down Nixon’s assistant.
“Gurgg gugg gugg grgggg gug grggg? Gug grgggg!” (“What did you use on my lips? It’s fabulous!”). She stared at me blankly. I continued, “Gugg grrrg?” (“Do you sell it?”). She figured out what I was saying and scowled. “That numbing solution is for medical purposes only. It will wear off in two to three hours. It is NOT for sale,” she said.

Disappointed, I left.

I spent the next 30 minutes sitting in my car, staring at myself in the mirror, making pouty faces and lavishing in my Muppet mouth glory.

When I got to work, one the advertising executives rushed to my side.
“You look like Angelina Jolie!” she squealed, further cementing the fact I needed to get my hands on more numbing solution.
“What lip plumper do you use?” she asked.
I gurgled the reason for my Jolie smackers.
“You should totally see if you can purchase that stuff over the counter,” she told me.
I rolled my eyes. “Gah gugrl, grr?” (“I know, right?”).

After an hour my lips started to deflate.

And then I became Jennifer again.

I already have a follow-up appointment scheduled. Nixon said the glue gave me a bout of gingivitis but after a few weeks, I should be back to normal. Yay! And maybe I can get my hands on more numbing solution….

I wouldn’t be able to talk any more if I used it on a regular basis, but that doesn’t matter because I would be so fab, I wouldn’t have to.

Wish me luck!


Couture Carrie said...

Not to worry, darling. You are NOT fat, and everybody has gingivitis I think...


Leia said...

First of all: thanks for telling us about your ethnicity! I find it so interesting to find out where people are from. And the longer + more complicated the story, the better! When I saw your photos, you were so pretty I knew there had to be a fun background, but I would have never guessed India & Sweden.

Secondly: you are not fat! You are curvy and lovely. <3

MJ said...

You are not fat. Sucks about the gingivitis, though! I'd never let a hot man look at my teeth, though - all the gurgling and saliva he'd see! Not that I find Tom Cruise hot...

Taylor S. said...

funny story! And the whole sitting in the car making pouty faces was so cute. I like how your just so completely honest.
xoxo taylor

Damsels said...


do you sellit ?
haha i had a less interesting dental situation earlier today.
just had my temporary crown glued again . cuz it keeps falling out . man i hate doctors that wont do the job right.
one time i kept going to different DRs about a problem i had with my eye. after a sty infection i still had what looked like a tiny pebble in the upper lid of my eye. it was visible and pretty embarssing and would go away at all even tho they all told it would if i put something hot on it.
but afeter like 8 months they finally let me an eye doctor and he knew jsut by looknig that the eye had closed and that the sty pus or whatevr was stuck and had hardened.
so i had to havea minor but painful eye surgery to take that out :(

Sophia said...

a) you're definitely not fat. i promise.
b) that stinks about your old dentist! i hate when people aren't competent in their profession and then we get stuck with the consequences. argh.

Iva said...

you are totally NOT FAT!!!!

jane st. clair said...

what an ordeal! well, at least nixon is a good dentist.

also, you're pretty, with or without angelina lips.

the little violet dress

Julie said...

Can I call you tooty frooty? Sorry your dentist sucks. I felt that way when I was just informed this week based on some minor medical conditions I have I'm supposed to be getting regular blood work and I've NEVER had any done by my previous doctors. Quality huh? And I think everyone makes little money at thankless jobs at the moment and employers know they can abuse us b/c jobs are so far and few we'd all be crazy to walk away.

Kerrie della Rovere said...

Awww tooty fruity!
I know that you are really called Edie... and I am Patsy! ; )

Girl With The Bow Tie said...

I love your post! I actually love your writing. I must point out that:

I scrolled through your blog, and it's great! - I really love your hair.. It's so long!!

Thanks for stopping by!

Girl With The Bow Tie said...

I love your post! I actually love your writing. I must point out that:

I scrolled through your blog, and it's great! - I really love your hair.. It's so long!!

Thanks for stopping by!

Dane said...

You are not fat! And the story about the Tom Cruise dentist creeps me out.. Im not much of a fan of his! Hope things start looking up soon.

Ela said...

LOL you're too funny J! Oh sorry, I mean Tooty Fruity. Sorry, you had such a crud dentist. Tom sounds like a doorknob! So glad Mr. Pres knew just what to do. BTW, I wore braces too!

My dear, you already have fab lips and you are NOT fat. Stop saying that, I don't want to *hear* or read it. Ever. Again.


trishiekoh said...

You are a funny girl, even when talking about an obviously very painful experience!

Anonymous said...

Don't worry! Chill chiq!

yiqin; said...

wow, intersting post! you are def not fat :) I am!

Dionne said...

Hahahahaha, what the heck is wrong with Tom Cruise?!!!! Nixon to the rescue!

I have such skinny lips. I think I need to pay my dentist a visit now...

Dream Sequins said...

LOL to the Angelina Jolie story! Those lips just can't be natural...

Found your blog today and love it!

Adela said...

that is too funny! hope you can get more numbing stuff! =)

ak said...

sucks for the pain but funny story overall..i had the same issue with a dentist that neglected my teeth and i had to get work done ugh teeth pulled..i cringe thinking of those days

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou said...

i love this post - too funny! i can totally see how you could look like angelina jolie!!

♥ fashion chalet said...

yay for wearing red as a subtle accent to our looks, great minds.. indeed ;) you're always SO lovely with your comments, dear!! <3


Cesc said...


Tom and Richard. Too funny! It's cool how you can make even a serious situation hilarious. Very few people can do that. So I applaud you Angelina...I mean, Jennifer. :)


dapper kid said...

Awww damn that Jerry Maguire and his elementary dental knowledge! Glad you managed to find a good dentist in the end. Haha and Angelina lips may be a bit too costly if the price is medical grade numbing solution. Oh, and you are totally not fat dear!!!

Hope you're having a beautiful weekend and your mouth isn't hurting!

FabBlab said...

You are so not fat! You're perfectly fit :)
I like how you wrote it though :)

Zarna said...

that is a great story!

did you take any photos?

oh and don't be so down on yourself! you are def not fat!!


Lilee said...

so not fat.


okay. I have to say that after reading one post I want to be your the very least blogger friends....ur writing style is so funny :)

would u like to be blogroll buddies?!


Sofia Britts said...

Ha! Thanks for the laugh, Jennifer. How's your teeth by now? I also had m treatment last month and needed to pay my dentist in Wisconsin almost $50. I didn't have cash by the time so I applied for a cash advance. I'm pretty sure that numbing solution isn't available for cosmetic use. I certainly think you are pretty - you don't need Angelina Jolie or any other celebrity lips!