Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Hollywood Time Machine

Have you ever wondered what would have happened if certain celebrities had been alive in a different time period?

Welcome to my parallel universe, where these fantasies have come true.

You're welcome.


When Britney Jean Spears was 16, she ran away from her small hometown in Louisiana and hopped on the first train to New York City. She wanted to be rich, famous, and beautiful.

With her pretty face and extensive ballet training, the Southern teenager didn't have trouble finding work. She soon became a well-known showgirl on the Broadway scene.

But, Britney was too ambitious to be a showgirl. In her mid-20s, when producers were hinting she was getting too old for the job, she started to look for other work. She tried performing as a sultry songstress in nightclubs, but found her mediocre voice couldn't compete with all the other talent.

Plus, her life was a bit of a mess. Her wealthy ex-husband was a cold-hearted gangster who had caught her cheating on him with his right-hand man. He killed her lover, and Britney was terrified she would be next. She was constantly frightened his thugs were watching her every move. She became an emotional, mental, and paranoid wreck. Her fragile state, along with her now-tarnished reputation, ruined her career.

By 1940, she had completely disappeared. Did the mafia kill her? Or, did she go into hiding for the rest of her life? Nobody knows.


Growing up bi-racial in the early part of the 20th century was a struggle that made Alicia Keys strong. She grew up in a poor household, raised by her single mother, a struggling actress. In order to deal with the prejudice and pain inflicted upon her life, she turned to music. She was a child prodigy on the piano, and had a breathtaking voice.

When Alicia was 17, she was performing at a hole-in-the-wall jazz club in Harlem, when a music producer arrived. He was immediately blown away by the gorgeous singer, and realized she could be a major star.

At first, his colleagues dissuaded him against the move, telling him it was impossible to market an African-American singer to the masses. But, the music producer ignored them. Alicia's first record became an international best-seller and she toured the world, performing at the most prestigious venues. She even appeared as a nightclub singer in a few major Hollywood films.

By the time Alicia turned 80, she was an established Hollywood legend, even earning an honorary Grammy Award in 2003, presented by a beaming Whitney Houston.


The daughter of a 1920s silent film star, Angelina Jolie always knew she wanted to make a name for herself in lights. With her exotic features and undeniable talent, she was given her first leading role at 20.

Five years later, she had become the biggest movie star in the world. But, her personal life started to overshadow her films. Already married three times, Angelina had also been named "the other woman" in a whopping 17 divorce lawsuits. There were also rumors that she was a lesbian with Marlene Dietrich. At the age of 27, she made international headlines by marrying the dashing movie star George Clooney.

During their honeymoon in France, Angelina was found shot dead in her hotel suite. The incident turned the world upside down, with movie fans around the world tossing out theories. Did a scorned ex-wife from her past murder her? Rumors started swirling that George was really a closeted homosexual and had been using Angelina for her money, since he was secretly on the brink of bankruptcy, due to gambling debt. Had his lover killed her? Or, did George kill her in the midst of a lover's quarrel? The answer is still unknown and today remains one of the biggest Hollywood mysteries, having been the premise for dozens of films, books, and television shows.

In 1999, Julia Roberts won a Best Actress Academy Award for playing Angelina in the critically acclaimed film about the murder, "Kiss of Death."


Her name was simply Adele. Nobody knew her story. Had she been a street urchin, raised in the mucky sewers of London? Or the youngest daughter of a wealthy earl? She simply just appeared one day, as a glamorous and beautiful superstar. She never spoke about her past in interviews.

Her soulful songs were played on the radio. She performed for presidents and kings. Countless magazines, such as Good Housekeeping, continually had stories on how to obtain Adele's perfect sexy curves. Pill advertisements claimed to pack on the pounds, so any housewife could have the Adele hourglass figure. After all, no American housewife wanted to be a stick!

Her personal life was just as mysterious as her persona. She was photographed getting cozy with oil tycoons, American senators, and even handsome movie stars.

But the weight of fame and failed relationships was too much for the curvy singer to handle. Her mournful songs could no longer heal her pain. She turned to alcohol. By 1968, she was chugging back five to six dry martinis per day. Her curvy figure started to bloat until she became practically unrecognizable. In 1970, she was found unresponsive in her estate in the English countryside.


A socialite who always made the gossip columns, Nicole Ritchie quickly shot to fame as a major style icon of the 1970s.

Details about her wild parties with John Lennon, Mick Jagger, and Andy Warhol were devoured by fans all over the world. She was so famous, she even started her own clothing line, so the average teenage girl in Des Moines could have the same bohemian flair in her closet.

Before long, Nicole was a millionaire, and seemed to be on top of the world. But what people didn't know was that her rock n' roll friends had introduced her to a dangerous lifestyle. She was snorting cocaine, popping prescription pills, and dissolving LSD on her tongue. She was addicted to drugs, but nobody thought to seek her help since, well, they were addicted too.

In 1981, Nicole almost died of a drug overdose. She was rushed to the hospital and saved and immediately placed in rehab. Unfortunately, with the changing 1980s fashion, her bohemian clothing line went bankrupt.

In 1985, the former hippie queen decided to turn her life around. She started writing health cookbooks and selling them on infomercials. She wrote a best-selling memoir, detailing her affairs with rock legends. She married a yoga instructor and had two children, and never did drugs again.

Today, she can still be seen on talk shows, promoting her latest boho-inpsired jewelry line.

What do you think of my stories? Which one do you like best?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Pills, sex, fashion, rabid squirrels!

Do you love 1960s fashion? Do you love retro films? Do you love me?

If you answered yes to one (or all) of these questions, you need to check out my fabulous guest post over at The Preview Re-Viewing Blog. I give a spectacular, and painfully honest, review of the Valley of the Doll's trailer.

Pleeeease go over there. You will not regret it. Here is the link.

(And while you're there, check out some of my friend Duffy's other posts, because he's awesome).

Thanks! xoxo

Saturday, January 26, 2013

My Favorite (Fake) Hollywood Couples

I'm bored with most of the celeb couples who exist today.

Aren't you tired of Brangelina and their generic over-the-counter version?

Or, Justin Timberlake and that girl from 7th Heaven?

I'm yawning already.

I've decided to play Hollywood matchmaker. Call me Cupid. Call me crazy. Call me maybe. I don't care.

These people need to hook up immediately, or nobody gets their money back.

Amy Poehler & George Clooney

When I saw these two canoodling at the Golden Globes a couple weeks ago, I couldn't have been the only person who shouted, "YES!"

These two are perfect for each other. She's adorable. He's adorable. They need to be adorable together.

With his suave, Cary Grant demeanor and her charming sense of humor, they would be the couple everyone wants to be. They would be the couple everyone wants to be around.

And Amy is SO much more fabulous than the latest faceless blonde George Clooney always has by his side. Let's be real.

Lindsay Lohan & Charlie Sheen

They sleep together on the big screen, but perhaps they should be more intimate in real life. After all, they're both fucking crazy. So, they clearly have a lot in common.

I think they would understand each other in a way no one else in the world ever could. Plus, Charlie clearly likes her already, otherwise he wouldn't have spent $100K paying off some of her debts.

If they're both going to be ticking time bombs, why not just put them together and let them explode simultaneously. It would be like ripping off a Band-Aid.

Ben Affleck & Matt Damon

Most of you are probably shocked right now, with your mouth hanging open. "But Jennifer," you say, "I thought Matt and Ben were ALREADY a couple!"

No, my children. Believe it or not, these two claim to just be best friends. Seriously. They're NOT dating!


Taylor Swift & Marilyn Manson

Taylor has had her heart broken by teen idols, who may or may not be gay in real life. Joe Jonas. Taylor Lautner. Harry Styles. Maybe it's time she started sleeping with someone who eats pretty boys for breakfast.

I think if Taylor dated this scary fuck, she'd grow up real fast. Her parents would hate him. She would start dressing goth. Can you imagine the songs that would develp out of this relationship? They'd be weird. Just weird enough that it could re-charge her career and open her up to a whole new audience.

Or fling her fame into oblivion like Manson exes Rose McGowan and Evan Rachel Wood...

Emma Stone & Ryan Gosling

Okay, jokes aside, I'm totally serious about this couple. I know Emma is dating that British kid and Ryan is with that older woman, but they need to ditch those squares and make a circle together.

Their chemistry sparks in Crazy, Stupid, Love and Gangster Squad. They look so good together.

And Emma is the only girl who I would not hate for dating Ryan Gosling. Because if I can't have him, I want her to take my place. I am that selfless.

What do you think of these celebrity couples?

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Photo Essay: Ryan Gosling being hotter than you.

Ryan Gosling keeping that body hard.

Ryan Gosling praying.

Ryan Gosling sadly eating a popsicle.

Ryan Gosling eating his shirt.

Ryan Gosling feeding a baby.

Ryan Gosling pancake.

Ryan Gosling on fire.

Ryan Gosling being bromantic.

Ryan Gosling being creepy.

Ryan Gosling having a serious discussion with a shadow.

Ryan Gosling showing his schlong.

Ryan Gosling in the 90s.

Justin who, bitches?

Ryan Gosling grocery shopping.

Ryan Gosling breaking my heart.

I feel better now.

Much better.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Book review: The Night Circus

Once in a blue moon, there comes along a novel that sets the world on fire.

Not because it has a gimmick like vampires, sex, or zombies, but because it is genuinely dazzling.

Recently, that book has been The Night Circus.

The novel, by Erin Morgenstern, revolves around Le Cirque des Rêves, an enchanting and spectacular circus that is only open at night. Front and center are Celia and Marco, two star-struck lovers entangled in a complex, mystical game. Surrounding them are colorful and lovable quirky characters whose fate rest in their hands.

I'm hesitant to say anything more about the plot. I feel like trying to describe the inner workings of a book that already paints it so perfectly would be an injustice.

It is one of those books you simply need to read. Allow the words, characters, and plot to envelope you with the turn of each page.

What astounds me the most is that The Night Circus is the debut novel for Erin Morgenstern, a Massachusetts-based artist. The book is so beautifully written, with such vivid details and descriptions, it seems like the work of someone who has been publishing novels for a long time.

When you read this book, you truly see, with stunning clarity, every color splashed before your eyes. You can practically smell the waft of caramel apples in the air and taste the mouth-watering chocolates on your tongue.

This isn't a book you can breeze through easily. Time goes back and forth. The plot is complex. Things are not what they seem. But those elements are what makes this book refreshing. It bends and twists and turns and flips your mind.

After researching the author, I was shocked to learn that this novel, which was written in 2005, was turned down by 30 literary agents before getting a bite. It proves that no matter how talented and brilliant you are as a writer, getting a book published really just comes down to pure luck. It was a reality that actually kind of depressed me. I mean, if this work of art received 30 rejections in five years, I guess that means the flimsy piece of crap I'm working on must be doomed. Sigh.

Anyway, I highly recommend this novel. Especially if you love Harry Potter and Jane Austen novels (magic and romance).

Have you read The Night Circus? Do you want to read it?

Monday, January 14, 2013

Not Impressed!

I'm a cynical bitch who doesn't like many people.

And when I say "people" I mean female celebrities.

Of course, I like the awesome ones. Tina Fey. Amy Poehler. Jennifer Lawrence. Emma Stone.

But that's about it.

Lately there have been some female celebrities who have been ridiculously annoying.

And like our dear friend Tommy Lee Jones, I am NOT impressed.

Here is a look at five famous women who completely bore me right now.

5. Anne Hathaway

This may come as a shock to you because I have flippin adored this girl for years. Like, more than a decade. But recently she is just getting on my nerves. Big time.

I was such a huge fan because she's adorable, well-educated, witty, incredibly open-minded, honest, and has a classy sense of style. She prefers to watch The Tudors and read Jane Austen novels, as opposed to getting shit-faced at a bar and ending up in jail.

But her attitude is starting to bother me. She's annoying. And kind of pretentious. It's like she takes herself and her "craft" waaaay too seriously. Her charm and genuine modesty seems to have disappeared lately. Now in interviews, she seems fake and forced. Oh, and I hate her haircut. She has very exaggerated features (big lips and big nose) so with short hair, she's pretty much all face now.

When she accepts awards, her speeches are painfully awkward and embarrassingly self-indulgent. The last straw for me was when she stole the mic from the producer of Les Misérables, after the film won best picture at the Golden Globes, just because she forgot to thank a couple people in her earlier rambling speech after winning Best Supporting Actress. Um, rude. The poor guy ended up getting cut off later on because he didn't have enough time to thank everyone he wanted to in his speech. Thanks, Anne.

Sorry, but I'm...

4. Taylor Swift

I've disliked this girl from the minute I heard Teardrops on my Guitar on the radio. Or was it You Belong With Me? I still get those two songs confused.

But, despite not liking her music, I never really had anything bad to say about her in the past. She's beautiful and has cute style. Plus, she always seemed humble and sweet.

But a part of me wonders if that naive girl-next-door persona is real. Behind the scenes, she seems like a publicity whore. She's been serial dating high-profile celebrities for years and bragging about them in boring songs. It's awkward. She almost seems desperate to be part of a celebrity power couple or something.

I'm also tired of her "ohmygodareyouserious" shocked face she would pull whenever she won an award, which seemed to be once a week. The first time, it was cute. The tenth time, it was just fake, let's be real.

I actually would like to see this girl redeem herself and prove she can be a grown up one day.

But for now, I'm...

3. Lady Gaga

Again, this is weird. I'm normally a huge fan of Gaga. She came into our world at perfect timing, I think. In 2009, we were craving something different and weird and fabulous. She delivered. She made haute couture relevant. She gave us something to talk about. She made pop music cool again.

But now, I feel like her gimmick is stale. I'm over it.

It was almost like we were spoon-fed too much too fast. And now that the glitter of novelty is out of my eyes, she seems so yesterday.

It will be interesting to see if her Gaga image stays afloat as the years go by. The reason Madonna became an icon is because she didn't just change with the times, she invented the changes. Her music evolved, along with her identity. I'm not sure if Gaga will be able to emulate that kind of success. I honestly hope that she does, because I'd love to rekindle my obsession.

Good luck, Gaga. But these days, I'm....

2. Nicky Minaj

...yeah. When she raps, she sounds like she's having a stroke or something. That's just my humble opinion. I'm not a rap aficionado or anything though.

Her snarky attitude doesn't sit well with me. She seems like the type of person I would have a very difficult time getting along with. Like, she'll get up in your grill for no apparent reason, maybe? I just get that kind of vibe from everything I've seen of her in television interviews and magazine articles.

Her demeanor, her tacky Lisa Frank style, and her music. Everything. Just. No.

I'm not sorry to say I'm...


1. Kim Kardashian

Do I even need to explain this one?

Let's all chant together:

Are you bored with these girls too? Which celebrities don't impress you?