Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Hollywood Time Machine

Have you ever wondered what would have happened if certain celebrities had been alive in a different time period?

Welcome to my parallel universe, where these fantasies have come true.

You're welcome.


When Britney Jean Spears was 16, she ran away from her small hometown in Louisiana and hopped on the first train to New York City. She wanted to be rich, famous, and beautiful.

With her pretty face and extensive ballet training, the Southern teenager didn't have trouble finding work. She soon became a well-known showgirl on the Broadway scene.

But, Britney was too ambitious to be a showgirl. In her mid-20s, when producers were hinting she was getting too old for the job, she started to look for other work. She tried performing as a sultry songstress in nightclubs, but found her mediocre voice couldn't compete with all the other talent.

Plus, her life was a bit of a mess. Her wealthy ex-husband was a cold-hearted gangster who had caught her cheating on him with his right-hand man. He killed her lover, and Britney was terrified she would be next. She was constantly frightened his thugs were watching her every move. She became an emotional, mental, and paranoid wreck. Her fragile state, along with her now-tarnished reputation, ruined her career.

By 1940, she had completely disappeared. Did the mafia kill her? Or, did she go into hiding for the rest of her life? Nobody knows.


Growing up bi-racial in the early part of the 20th century was a struggle that made Alicia Keys strong. She grew up in a poor household, raised by her single mother, a struggling actress. In order to deal with the prejudice and pain inflicted upon her life, she turned to music. She was a child prodigy on the piano, and had a breathtaking voice.

When Alicia was 17, she was performing at a hole-in-the-wall jazz club in Harlem, when a music producer arrived. He was immediately blown away by the gorgeous singer, and realized she could be a major star.

At first, his colleagues dissuaded him against the move, telling him it was impossible to market an African-American singer to the masses. But, the music producer ignored them. Alicia's first record became an international best-seller and she toured the world, performing at the most prestigious venues. She even appeared as a nightclub singer in a few major Hollywood films.

By the time Alicia turned 80, she was an established Hollywood legend, even earning an honorary Grammy Award in 2003, presented by a beaming Whitney Houston.


The daughter of a 1920s silent film star, Angelina Jolie always knew she wanted to make a name for herself in lights. With her exotic features and undeniable talent, she was given her first leading role at 20.

Five years later, she had become the biggest movie star in the world. But, her personal life started to overshadow her films. Already married three times, Angelina had also been named "the other woman" in a whopping 17 divorce lawsuits. There were also rumors that she was a lesbian with Marlene Dietrich. At the age of 27, she made international headlines by marrying the dashing movie star George Clooney.

During their honeymoon in France, Angelina was found shot dead in her hotel suite. The incident turned the world upside down, with movie fans around the world tossing out theories. Did a scorned ex-wife from her past murder her? Rumors started swirling that George was really a closeted homosexual and had been using Angelina for her money, since he was secretly on the brink of bankruptcy, due to gambling debt. Had his lover killed her? Or, did George kill her in the midst of a lover's quarrel? The answer is still unknown and today remains one of the biggest Hollywood mysteries, having been the premise for dozens of films, books, and television shows.

In 1999, Julia Roberts won a Best Actress Academy Award for playing Angelina in the critically acclaimed film about the murder, "Kiss of Death."


Her name was simply Adele. Nobody knew her story. Had she been a street urchin, raised in the mucky sewers of London? Or the youngest daughter of a wealthy earl? She simply just appeared one day, as a glamorous and beautiful superstar. She never spoke about her past in interviews.

Her soulful songs were played on the radio. She performed for presidents and kings. Countless magazines, such as Good Housekeeping, continually had stories on how to obtain Adele's perfect sexy curves. Pill advertisements claimed to pack on the pounds, so any housewife could have the Adele hourglass figure. After all, no American housewife wanted to be a stick!

Her personal life was just as mysterious as her persona. She was photographed getting cozy with oil tycoons, American senators, and even handsome movie stars.

But the weight of fame and failed relationships was too much for the curvy singer to handle. Her mournful songs could no longer heal her pain. She turned to alcohol. By 1968, she was chugging back five to six dry martinis per day. Her curvy figure started to bloat until she became practically unrecognizable. In 1970, she was found unresponsive in her estate in the English countryside.


A socialite who always made the gossip columns, Nicole Ritchie quickly shot to fame as a major style icon of the 1970s.

Details about her wild parties with John Lennon, Mick Jagger, and Andy Warhol were devoured by fans all over the world. She was so famous, she even started her own clothing line, so the average teenage girl in Des Moines could have the same bohemian flair in her closet.

Before long, Nicole was a millionaire, and seemed to be on top of the world. But what people didn't know was that her rock n' roll friends had introduced her to a dangerous lifestyle. She was snorting cocaine, popping prescription pills, and dissolving LSD on her tongue. She was addicted to drugs, but nobody thought to seek her help since, well, they were addicted too.

In 1981, Nicole almost died of a drug overdose. She was rushed to the hospital and saved and immediately placed in rehab. Unfortunately, with the changing 1980s fashion, her bohemian clothing line went bankrupt.

In 1985, the former hippie queen decided to turn her life around. She started writing health cookbooks and selling them on infomercials. She wrote a best-selling memoir, detailing her affairs with rock legends. She married a yoga instructor and had two children, and never did drugs again.

Today, she can still be seen on talk shows, promoting her latest boho-inpsired jewelry line.

What do you think of my stories? Which one do you like best?


Carmen said...

Lovely post, Adele is so so pretty! Also thanks for your nice comment and your honest opinion about the skirt :)

French Girl in Seattle said...

I really got a kick out of this post, Jenny. Both funny (knowing what we know about these ladies,) and creative... I'd have to say Angelina's story was my favorite. Well done. Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

Couture Carrie said...

You are so freakin creative, darling!
Love Angie's story!


Alex said...

I loe the shit out of this post. Angelina's was my favorite, though Alicia's was a close second.

Josie said...

Could this possibly be any better? I think... Not.
xo Josie

Sherin said...

This is actually amazing. They all seem like they could have been true if these celebrities were born in these times.
My favourite was Alicia Keys - I clearly like a good happy ending.

-E- said...

I second everything Sherin said.

Miss Laia said...

As always you make laugh a lot Jenny, my favourite was the one about Angelina, I don't know why but I can't stand her, so I loved the end hahaha (conspiracy laugh)
Also Nicole Richie one was pretty nice, and I love the end you gave to Alicia.
Have a fabulous weekend Jenny.

Cafe Fashionista said...

1973. I LOVE that era...and Nicole! :)

Couture Carrie said...

P.S. Hope you have a fab weekend, too!
Please keep me posted on that review :)


Tights Lover said...

Oh my god, I LOVED this post! You had me laughing/enthralled through the whole thing!

I think the Angelina one was my favorite...although I do find myself suddenly craving a dry martini...

Rachel @ The Redhead Fashionista said...

Okay, these stories are amazing! You're so creative! :)

Darjeeling said...

Britney and Angelina! I am not a fan of Alicia Keys, but the post was brilliant overall!

Rachel Jensen {Da Paura ♥} said...

This is too fun!!! You are so creative, omg! I love all of these, especially Angelina's story.


The Grande Dame said...

This is one of the best blog posts I've read on any blog in a long time. You are one talented writer. This made me want to read everything you've written!
I think I like the angelina / George story the most, but the Britney story is a close second because I do like ol' Brit Bit and all her trashiness.
Keep writing :)

Emma Waldorf said...

What a great post!!
Angelina would have been a true sex bomb at that time.
Now I cannot stopt thinking,
what would happen if Audrey Hepburn or Katherine were alive in our time?

The Dainty Dolls House said...

This was brilliant!! Loved Alicia Keys. Well done doll, this was awesome. Love creative stuff like this. Have a great weekend x

sleepandwater said...

This is so cool! It's weird that I can imagine each of them in that time period in the past :)

Tie Bow-tie said...

I love history of fashion and these photos are amazing!

Tanvi said...

You my friend have a wild imagination. It would be so much fun to be in your brain ... hahah lol. Creative Posts, babes!

∞ © ∞

SG Angela said...

I always enjoy reading your posts. This is fantastic.

Bravoe Runway said...

Your stories are amazing and these photos certainly do look like they're from an era ago! I am always impressed with your creative writing skills.

Kim (A Very Sweet Blog) said...

How do you think of this! HAHAHA I love the Britney Spears one. HAHAHAHA

Mouthwash said...

Oh Jen, this was amazing!! I love how you created alternate universes for these women! HAHAHA Angelina - so tragic, funny.

I died with the Adele and "Good Housekeeping" cover. You're killing me LMAO.

Britney is so lucky she was born later. It probably would have really happened!

Meri said...

Haha, these are great! we really do have the same celebrity types over and over, too. My favorite is the mysterious angelina story!

Dina's Days said...

You are a genius!!!!

Arielle-HumblePieVintage said...

haha good job. I liked the Angelina/Clooney story the best. I hope to God nothing bad happens to Adele though.

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