Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fast Times at Wikipedia High

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the internet was the real world? And social media sites were...people?

Oh, I'm the only weirdo here? Well, welcome to my twisted little imagination.
Hello kids! Welcome to Wikipedia High School. We have the bestest and brightest students in the virtual world. Let me introduce you!


Facebook



Hey everyone! I really hate to brag, but oh, what the heck. I'm so pretty. I'm the most popular girl in school. There I said it, hehe. :) I have so many friends! And every time I say how awesome my day has been, 20 of my closest friends immediately like it! They give me thumbs up and make comments which make me feel special. :) I just want to be everyone's friend because I'm so nice and I'm so cool. I love sharing photos of myself with everyone, even people I haven't spoken to in years. I'm really pretty. Did I mention that? :)


LinkedIn



I'm going to get straight to the point. I'm not here to make friends, I'm simply here to do everything I can to get into Harvard. I'm the senior class president, I'm president of the Latin Club, vice-president of the Chess Club, and a proud member of the Wikipedia Business Leaders of Tomorrow League. I'm also class valedictorian. While most of my uninspired classmates are more interested in watching cat videos over at Youtube, I spend every waking moment trying to be as professional as possible. Even if it means polishing my resume every single night until graduation.


Twitter



@you sorry super busy but wanted to say I'm editor of the @wikipaper and always have the scoop on all gossip/news. Have millions of friends and strangers who always want to chat. LOL
#mylifestory #awesomesauce #hitmeuponmycell #totallyboningfacebook

Craig's List



Some people call me that pothead skater boy who deals herbal candy to children behind the bleachers, but man, that's just not the whole picture, man. I hook people up with necessary shit! Need a bike for ten bucks? Meet me behind the bleachers after school and I'll hook you up. Want to sell your mom's jewelry so you can support your heroin habit? Fuck yeah, meet me behind the bleachers and I'll hook you up. Looking to get laid? Meet me behind the bleachers and...


Google +



Yes, I'm the baby at Wiki High. I'm a freshman. It really sucks because when I first came to this school, everyone wanted to be my friend! Everyone kept saying I was prettier and cooler than Facebook! I thought I was going to be the most popular girl at school. And now I'm so sad because people finally figured out that I'm not that cool. They call me boring and no one hangs out with me anymore. Most of the people who begged me to be their friend a few months ago have now forgotten I even exist. They walk past me in the hallways without even looking. Will you be my friend?


Flickr



Look outside your eyes, friends! Every day is a new beginning and every night is a rebirth. Cleanse yourself with knowledge and the visual beauty which awaits you at every turn. If you are feeling inspired, bring your Holga to the quad after school. A group of us hike to the stars and snap our dreams with the click of a button. If you're a spiritually and physically beautiful female, perhaps we could share an existential moment.


Myspace


So, you're probably staring at my photo and thinking "damn, that bitch is old" and you know what, you're right. I'm 24 and technically, shouldn't even be at Wiki High Anymore. But fuck you, I just don't want to leave. When I first came here in 2003, I was the most popular girl in high school. But then that stupid slut Facebook transferred here and fucked it all up for me. And ever since that bitch stole my Homecoming crown, all I've been doing is drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle and having sex with any sleazeball who picks me up. And since I don't have friends anymore, I basically just hang out with no-name rock bands. I guess you could call me the ultimate groupie. Oh, FYI: Don't sleep with Craig's List. Asshole gave me a virus.


...well, what do ya think?

65 comments:

Natassja said...

This post was hilarious! The pics are spot on for each, too :)

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

Hahahahahaha, cracking up right now!!!! :D

azu said...

HAHAHA! Myspace was full of WHORES! Whores that would flirt with my boyfriend all the time and whores that would spread evil rumors about me. Ah...the memories!

And then there's facebook. Don't even get me started. They should change its name to bitchbook because let's face it. Even the guys on there act like bitches.

I have had my fair share of negative experiences online and NOT ONCE have I said "FML". You don't seem like the type who does that, either. That's why I keep coming back. You'd rather poke fun than to say FML about every little thing. Bravo!

Ok, off to bed. I'm sooo tired. But I had to read this lol :)

www.ravenhaireddoll.blogspot.com

jos xx said...

haha, this is such a fantastic idea you came up with lol! thumbs up for your imagination and creativity!

jos xx

A BRIT GREEK said...

Ha ha ha!!! Oh my, you're on it girl!
x.o.x.o

Sherin said...

Hehe, this is hilarious! Loved reading it. You got Myspace and Facebook spot on. Google + was definitely my favourite to read!

JMJE said...

I love this and it's very accurate.

Tanvi said...

Hahaha! YOU ALWAYS get it RIGHT!!! Loved it! :)

♡ from © tanvii.com

Cafe Fashionista said...

I love you, Jennifer. Seriously. This is one of the most clever things I have read in ages! :)

Shannon said...

OMG - this could be an article in any media outlet. It's hilarious and spot on.

Send this shizzle out. It's going to get published.

Yve said...

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!


Hahahahahahahaha!!


Hahahahaaahaaaahaaaa!!!


Haaahaaaahaaaaaaa!!!!


You're so freakin' funny and imaginative :D I ADORE your blog!

Misfits Vintage said...

#awesomesauce I'm tweeting this shizzle. U need 2 b totes published. S xxx

Vivek Nanda said...

Ha ha ha ...Awesome :)

Miksu said...

You're absolutely brilliant with your posts :DD

xx
absofuckinglutely

julie fedderson said...

This is funnier than hell. Love it!

JUST ME said...

This should be a coffee table book. Or at least something that Gawker links too.

Also - so right about Google+. What the Eff is up with that lame program?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!!

Stephanie said...

this is hilarious. I laughed out loud at the #totallyboningfacebook hashtag. This is seriously publishable.

Gayatri said...

Hahahah Jennifer you have no idea how badly I needed to laugh this morning! I came here, et voila! Love it! My fav - Google +

Gayatri

socialitedreams said...

brilliant, simply brilliant

Tights Lover said...

Hilarious. I absolutely love this post!

...but no blogger??

Josie said...

Jen, you kill me. This is spot-on. I loveeeeee.
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

Amy said...

HAHA this completely made me laugh! Love it!

Bonnie said...

MySpace just about made me piss myself. I'm not even kidding. All of these are EXACTLY how I would imagine them to be if they were actual human beings.
BTW, I'm totally Twitter. I think we could be BFFs.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Couture Carrie said...

This is hysterical, darling!
Love it!

xoxox,
CC

Angie said...

How true! All of my skankiest pictures are on MySpace for sure. I have divided up my friends by these particular groups too. It's stereotyping at it's finest, but without it I might accidentally send party pics to potential job contacts on LinkedIn! :) Love the post!

Mouthwash said...

I'm with Bonnie.

And, I just +1'd this. Because there is humor in that.

OMG I LOVE THIS POST SO SO SO FREAKING MUCH!!!

Sharing this on all social media sites...

amy b.s. said...

i love this! too funny!

creativefashionglee said...

LMAL for that "Myspace" blog. Really, she gotta follow what Friendster did, convert the site into game site, poor kid.

Anyway, I think that fb is one good tool when it comes to wasting time. A milisecond of giving a friend a thumbs up for a thousand friends a thousand times a day.

really...

BattleGnomes said...

Hahah, hilarious post, you have such a great imagination to think up these things! :) Thanks for the comment too, clowns really are scary!

http://www.autumnalfever.blogspot.com/

Courtney Erin said...

Too funny - I can't stop giggling.

xoxo ~ Courtney
http://sartorialsidelines.com

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I think this is creatively hilarious.
@twitter U R hot. Text me.

Nice job, fabulous lady.
xoRobyn

Francesca R said...

Hahaha! I LOVE is post! You did a great job especially with linkedin!
xx
http://dontcallmefashionblogger.blogspot.com/

jillian m. said...

This was AWESOME! I love your interpretations of each site. Genius!

Emily Ulrich said...

Ha ha ha ha, that was great! Too perfect.

Al Penwasser said...

This was pretty neat.
Sadly, no matter which internet world you choose, all I really look like is...me.
sigh................

Kristin said...

O-M-G I am sharing this RIGHT now!

Shruti said...

LoL!Hilarious.. I loved the my space thing. I like girls with great sense of humor.

Ash said...

this is too good..literally had me laughing on the floor...and I NEVER laugh on the floor ;)

Kavery said...

Too funny, Jennifer. I'm feeling sorry for Google+.

Meri said...

I'm cracking up so much between "anything I can do to get into harvard" and the myspace girl picture hahaha. That picture probably actually IS from myspace. Great post!

Barry said...

One of your best posts ever, definitely! Loved it!!

the nyanzi report said...

interesting topic.

Julia said...

hahahaha this post is so funny and very true.. :P
xoxo

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

The craig's list, "Fuck yeah!" did me in. :)
Hysterical!

RAW Fashion Magazine said...

This is hysterical lol hahahah
www.rawfashionmagazine.com

Imogen said...

You're amazing! This is so creative and hilarious. I really enjoyed it. My favourite is probably facebook. I totally agree with you.

Marie said...

HAHAHAHAHHAH

-Marie
So What If I Like Pretty Things

Rachel {Da Paura ♥} said...

Jennifer this is hilarious and so true! The funny thing is that myspace is not just filled with women like that, but you can tell they are all photoshopped to the extreme and you know they don't even look like that in real life! haha this is great!

x
Rachel

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

You did it again ms. Jennifer Fabulous - hilarious...and now I'm scared of MySpace.

xoxo,
Chic 'n Cheap Living

love jenny xoxo said...

LOL this is awesome!! And so true!!!

Love it!

XOXO

FashionJazz said...

This is hilarious babe!! Happy Wednesday xx

t

Cindy Karmoko said...

thak you so much for your super lovely comment on my blog, Nice post i can't stop laughing lol thanks for sharing!

http://hippiegonemad.blogspot.com/

sahrish shamim said...

thanks 4 comments on my blog ... i like your post ...
http://fashionstyle-pk.blogspot.com/

Haute World said...

Hahaha - well done! Craig's List was my favorite... oh man, so true. And I think FB could also be the ultimate jock (what with all the cheering, thumbs up and inflated ego).

Just curious who you think Instagram would be (obviously a very niche individual). Because she/he' still my favorite ;-)

From Tracie said...

This is perfect, and so true!

hilarious!

Movies on my Mind said...

You really outdid yourself with this one Ms. Fabulous. It’s quite an inspired piece that some editor of a high-end glossy would have probably commissioned you to write more features for him/ her. It was very funny and amusingly accurate. Bavo!

(I sense I fall more into the MySpace crowd than Facebook.)

The Blonde Duck said...

I laughed so hard I snorted water up my nose.

oomph. said...

FAB post...this was too funny. love it!

[oomph.]
Blogaversary Giveaway

Ashley/ MILK TEETHS said...

OMG JEN! This is a masterpiece! haha I loved reading this. Everything was so spot on. You need to send this into Vice or something :)

lifeontherocks said...

this is sooo imaginative and freaking funny! loved reading it. cool post :)

All Glam Things said...

OMG!! This is Brilliant! You made my laugh and think at the same time! You are Talented!

GlamThings

The Woven Moments said...

Hysterical. But what about tumblr?

Nadine said...

I've enjoyed your writing for a while now, but this post just took things to a new level. You're very good at what you do and I feel confident I'll be picking up a book of yours one day. Keep up the hysterical and spot on posts!

Arielle-HumblePieVintage said...

This was one of the funniest posts I've read it awhile. Thank-you.