Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Creepy Bird Advice

I have this bad habit where I take things too far.

I got this habit from my mother. When she likes something, she becomes obsessed. For instance, she is addicted to dieting and exercise, even though she's 100 pounds. She's addicted to garage sale shopping, even though she can afford new things. She's addicted to 1970s music, even though it's 2011.

Another thing she is obsessed with is birds. I grew up in a household where there were always birds. Parakeets. Canaries. Lovebirds. Finches.

Right now, she has a lovebird named Daisy, pictured below.

When my mom brought Daisy home two years ago, it was apparent that Daisy was a brat. She bit everyone, especially my mom, really hard, drawing blood. It has gotten to the point where we are all terrified of her. It is a far cry from my mom's previous lovebird, Lily, who was gentle and sweet. (May she rest in peace).

Daisy isn't just mean to us. She's mean to everyone!

For example, one evening in 2009, I dropped my mom off at her Birdie & Me meeting and went to the mall. (Birdie & Me is a group of middle-aged women who get together and introduce their birds. It's a place for bird owners to make friends and birds to make friends). I had only been browsing the Forever 21 racks for ten minutes, when I got a phone call from my mom. She was sobbing so hard, I could barely make out what she was saying. I rushed to pick her up and when I got there, she told me the whole story. Apparently Daisy had attacked everyone at the meeting, including their birds. She caused such a ruckus and drew so much blood, the women kicked my mom out of the house! She was devastated.

Well, my mom has been trying to find ways to bond with Daisy ever since that Birdie & Me incident two years ago.

At my parents' house, Daisy's cage is always open. She eats with them at the dinner table, nibbling food off their plates and sipping wine out of their glasses.

But these small privileges have only made Daisy even more spoiled. She still bites. And now she has an attitude, like she thinks she's better than everyone else.

Well, my mom recently sought help on how to deal with her ill-tempered lovebird. The advice she got back was astounding.

She was told, by an expert, that in order to make a real connection with Daisy, she was going to have to pretend to be Daisy's mate. This would mean allowing Daisy to masturbate on her daily.

Needless to say, I was horrified. And then I realized it was time to intervene. I forbid my mother from taking this advice and I quickly deleted the e-mail from her inbox.

Our family is dysfunctional enough, without my mother entering into a sexual relationship with a parrot.

I believe there is a fine line between loving a pet and taking it TOO FAR. If Daisy wants to be a little bitch and bite everyone, well then, that's life. My mom needs to deal with it or find another solution.

Having Daisy masturbate on her every single day merely to earn her respect and love is completely out of the question.

Am I correct here? Letting a bird get off on you is weird, right? Or am I just being prude?


Mimi said...

you are definitely right! i think that is way toooo far!

<3, Mimi
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FashionJazz said...

Wow, yes I agree with you hun, the bird sounds a bit hectic, lol :D Hope you are having a lovely Tuesday xx

Sherin said...

Oh dear! That is the craziest advice ever!! Definitely taking the whole pet loving thing too far.

sahrish shamim said...

wow what a topic nice ... post love these birds ...

jos xx said...

lol, i don't like birds, and I think she will go to far if she lets that bird do whatever it likes! agree with you completely haha! great post as always!

jos xx

-E- said...

this is one of the craziest things i've read on the internet. and that's saying something! well done.

Miksu said...

<<Our family is dysfunctional enough, without my mother entering into a sexual relationship with a parrot.<<

that must be the funniest sentence I've ever read :DDD I love your posts, you're so good at writing!


Misfits Vintage said...

Yeah - I'm putting that on a tshirt:

'Our family is dysfunctional enough, without my mother entering into a sexual relationship with a parrot.'

Maybe that bird would be happier living somewhere else - like in her own little apartment, with a special little bird sex toy.

Sarah xxx

MG said...

No, you are not being prude. That is weird as shit. Fuck that bird.

Bonnie said...

Hi, what bizarre advice! I had a parakeet once who used to sit on my glasses and pick at my hair. Loved catching up on all your posts.

Shannon said...

OMG - That is some of the weirdest advice I have EVER heard.

You are doing your mom a huge favor by not allowing that.


just wow.

Audrey Allure said...

I agree, that advice was pretty weird & definitely crossed a line. I would tell her to get rid of it & get a nicer bird lol. I wouldn't be able to put up with a pet like that for so long.

Stephanie said...

Oh no. I laughed out loud at this. This is hilarious. And sad. And hilarious.

I'm crazy about pets and have a very strong belief in lifelong commitments to companion animals. But I think that I would have to find another place for an animal that was aggressive; there are too many friendly animals and children in and out of this house.

A BRIT GREEK said...

My sides hurt! Babe, your posts have this incredible effect on me...
I feel for your mum and the pretty birds antics!

Agree with Misfit - get a T-shirt made. I was laughing so hard!


Couture Carrie said...

Hysterical, darling!


Josie said...

Ummmmm... Definitely too far. I don't even like birds to start with, so this totally freaks me out.
xo Josie

Barry said...

That's some of the most fucked-up advice I've ever heard.

The bird, like any child or pet, needs to learn boundaries and that she doesn't have the rule of the household. I say let Daisy out and the minute she bites she gets scolded. Maybe flicked with cold water. If she continues to act up she goes back in her cage. If she can't be around people without attacking them she stays in there and is only allowed to fly around when others aren't around.

Unfortunately this behaviour has continued so it may be too late to break her of it.

Gayatri said...

Oh My God NO... NO NO! You are totally right. Daisy can learn manners like the rest of us did; with some tough love from our parents!

But ... I couldn't help but wonder, how does one communicate to a bird that one wants it to masturbate? Sorry but I just had to ask!


Steve said...

Love bird? Given the bird's personality that is a complete misnomer!

Steve said...

Love bird? Given the bird's personality that is a complete misnomer!

Vix said...

I think it's definitely a step too far! Gorgeous as Daisy is wouldn't it be a lot easier if your Mum got her a bruiser of a boyfriend who could give as good as he gets? She's a looker & I'm sure there'd be no end of boy birds who'd fancy a go! x

Olga said...

I sympathize with your mother. After all, birds will be birds.

Al Penwasser said...

First, the questions....
1. Birds MASTURBATE!!!???? Gives new meaning to the term "put it on my bill." Yeesh.
2. Hopefully, she doesn't like DISCO 70's, doe she?
3. Back to question #1: what does Daisy use to get off? A picture of a plucked chicken (although it WOULD be beheaded, so that may be a bit of a turn-off)?
4. Birds MASTURBATE!!!???
5. HOW!!!???
On to the comments....
1. Not for nothin', if she were at my house, Daisy would experience an unfortunate accident. Or be introduced to my neighbor's cat. Just sayin'....
2. I'm sorry, but the image of such a donnybrook that Mom AND bird had to be tossed out of a "Birdie and Me' meeting......
3. Isn't ironic that Daisy is a LOVEbird?
4. Apparently, Daisy is a mean drunk.
5. I am flabbergasted that I even have to ask #1,#4, and #5.
6. Don't answer #5. There are some things I don't want to know. Like how is Keith Richards still alive?

Left Coast Guy said...

How do I address a condition that is wrong on so many levels? Bird masturbation? I am beside myself in the confusion of a concept that has never once entered my addled brain (not once-credit to me I guess).

Does anyone allow their dog to bond with them through masturbation? Come on, you can speak up-no judgments (right…). I’m not certain but my head is giving off indications that I may need copious amounts of alcohol to shake off this (God, did I just say “Shake off?”) lingering image of a mad humping avian.

Thanks for the image.

Glad to find your blog! (I think ;-)


Savvy Gal said...

I couldn't stop laughing but yes it sounds weird to me. there must be other way to tame a bird. : )

The Sagittarian said...

I'd sure be hiding my daily. said...

Ok, that is just sick! That so-called expert needs to get help. Reminds me of the horrible/abusive over-sexed cracker in Running With Scissors. Sorry to say this but that bird needs to be caged 24/7 or worse.


Meri said...

thank you for this. I used to be sort of afraid of birds, but its nothing to be scared of... I can just laugh it off, right?
Seriously though, I'm afraid of most birds.

Imogen said...

OMG Yes you are totally correct. That would be totally weird, I can't believe your mum would be given that advice how crazy! I didn't know birds really had these issues or could have so much attitude. I love the name Daisy by the way, one of my favourites.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

You. Are. Hilarious.

I've never heard of masturbating birds, but then again, anything without a penis does NOT interest me.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I cannot believe I have never followed you before.

And because I'm a creep, I shall follow you on Twitter too.

Samantha said...

Uhm, I think any animal getting off on you is pretty weird! I will admit that she's pretty though! lol.

Thanks for visiting my blog! :o)


Cafe Fashionista said...

Gah! I think the person who dished out that advice is insane! :/

Shruti said...

Daily is just ADORABLE. I see what you are trying to say here. obsessions are sometimes fun.. I have never had a bird pet but I love birds that are colorful.

Damsels said...

your mom is a woman after my own heart. i have always taken everything to an extreme. why like it a little ? if you like doesnt it merit your full love and attention ? jusssayin .

Al Penwasser said...

This is for Lemons (hey, Lemons, ain't it great we can communicate on someone else's blog?).
Anyway, you said, "I never heard of masturbating birds."
I hope that you didn't mean "you" masturbating birds. In other words, I hope you meant "masturbating" to be an adjective and not a verb.
If you meant "masturbating" to be a verb, then that would be a much more disturbing image than Daisy getting a little personal time on her cuttle bone.
On the other hand, I realize English is not your first language (and may I say again that you impress the hell out of me with how good you are with the King's English). God knows how much I would botch up anything in Chinese beside my takeout order.
NOTE #1: Please excuse this shameless perpetuation of a stereotype. I shoulda said, "Order from Walmart")
NOTE #2: This is probably a personal record for "Most Mentions of the Word 'Masturbating'" in a single comment.
Jennifer: Thanks for letting me hijack your blog. Talk to you soon.

Ed Pilolla said...

what a great story. the topic was interesting so i started reading with no expectations, and it got weirder and more intriguing every step of the way. you have skills:)

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