Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year!
Well, I should have known 2010 wasn't going down without a fight.
I have been violently sick for the past two days and it looks like I'm not getting any better. At first, I thought it was just another hangover from my birthday parties earlier this week, but now it looks way more severe. I can't eat anything other than ice, otherwise I vomit my guts out. Just thinking about food, or even CHAMPAGNE, makes me nauseous. It's pretty bad.
So, I'm staying with my parents for a couple days while I recover. I'll be ringing in the New Year with a cup of ice and Ryan Seacrest, I'm afraid. Unless he makes me vomit too.
It is my sincerest wish that 2011 will not suck as much as its recent predecessors. I hope it will be more like 2005, where I was happy all the time and life seemed endless with possibilities. Or, I at least hope it will be much better than 2010. I don't know. There are some major changes happening this upcoming year and it churns my stomach just to think about them. But I'll just follow the advice of my hero, Tim Gunn, and "make it work." That's all you can do, right?
Looking back on 2010, it occurred to me that although it seemed like the worst year of my life, it was one where I grew the most as a person.
I lost my job, but I regained my self-discovery. I spent a lot more time writing for myself and realizing where I want to go in life.
I lost my grandmother, but I had a close friend who had a baby this year. It made me realize the endless beauty of life and made me less scared of death.
I lost a close friend, but I made three really good ones soon after. I'm pretty sure that was a miracle.
I lost my mind. But I'll get it back.
This is how I am going to look at 2010 from now on. It's all I can do!
I hope all of you have a magical new year. I think we all deserve it.
See you in 2011.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What is real? What is fake?
We all know it's been an awful year for me. I could list all the shit that's happened, but I don't want to bore you. You know.
There have also been some good times.
There have also been times I couldn't bring myself to blog about. Mostly regarding Kerrie.
We've had...an interesting year.
But I can't keep secrets.
So, instead, I thought I would play a game with you.
For each season of 2010, I will give you two stories. One of the stories is true. The other is not. You have to guess.
Have fun!
Winter 2010
Kerrie and I were key witnesses in an attempted murder trial, regarding a mutual friend and her ex-boyfriend. We were watching a movie at my apartment when he came over and started yelling at our friend because she wanted to break up. When Kerrie called the cops, he chased our friend around the apartment with a knife, while Rian tried to tackle him. He eventually fled, but the police caught up with him 20 minutes later and arrested him. Kerrie and I had to stay at an undisclosed location for two days before the trial took place, because he had threatened our lives as well.
OR
After a couple bottles of champagne at a New Year's Eve party, Kerrie and I snuck into my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding the key under his welcome mat. He was visiting relatives in Africa at the time, so we simply ran around the house, drank all his liquor, tried on his sister's expensive designer clothes, and then passed out on his staircase at 3 a.m.
Spring 2010
Kerrie and I found ourselves at the wrong place at the wrong time one afternoon. It resulted in us being chased by the cops, an ongoing investigation that lasted five months, and thousands of dollars spent in legal fees to fight a felony charge and six months in jail. Our lawyer was a wise-crackin' bad ass from New Jersey who only defended drug lords and serial killers. We were a special case for him because he owed my ex-boyfriend a favor. In August, the state finally admitted we were wrongfully accused because of shoddy police work and the case was dismissed. We never even received an apology and the law prohibits us from suing.
OR
Kerrie and I briefly met a very famous fashion designer who was in town visiting her parents (she grew up here). In order to do so, that morning Kerrie and I had pretended to be architecture students from the nearby university and we had convinced the hotel's manager to give us a tour of the historical hotel. We snuck into the hotel later that night and went straight to the presidential suite, armed with a camera. We were incredibly excited. We knocked on the door and announced we were maids. When she opened the door, we saw she was with a man who was not her husband. She was PISSED and yelled for her assistant. Her assistant cornered us in the hallway and threatened to call the police. To save our ass, we signed a confidentiality agreement which said we would not go to the press with what we saw, in exchange for this designer not calling the police on us.
Summer 2010
Kerrie ended up dating a guy for less than a week. It started out sweet because she thought he was a nice guy. But weird things started happening. He sent a picture of himself smiling with the caption "I miss you" but she noticed photos of herself in the background. When she asked him about the photos, he said he had taken them from her facebook profile and had enlarged them to poster size for his bedroom wall. After asking him more questions, she found out that he had been creepily obsessed with her for more than two years prior, without her even knowing it. She had thought they were just casual acquaintances beforehand. She broke it off immediately. He was so outraged, he left a knife and a decapitated Barbie Doll on her doorstep as a warning.
OR
While visiting her grandparents in Miami for two weeks, Kerrie became friends with a girl a few years older than her. This girl was a model (not famous) and dating a married man. This girl took Kerrie to a few clubs around Miami and they became facebook friends. A month and a half later, this girl was murdered after attending a Lady Gaga concert in Texas. It was national news. Kerrie was so creeped out, she refused to be home alone for a month after hearing about it.
Fall 2010
I kissed a girl (and I liked it).
OR
My gay best friend confessed to me that he's in love with me and wants to get married and move immediately to Santa Fe, where we will live happily ever after and have lots of children.
So...what is real and what is fake? You'll never really know. We'll never talk!
Oh, and this post is going to self-destruct in less than 30 seconds.
Kerrie and I can't wait until next year. ;)
There have also been some good times.
There have also been times I couldn't bring myself to blog about. Mostly regarding Kerrie.
We've had...an interesting year.
But I can't keep secrets.
So, instead, I thought I would play a game with you.
For each season of 2010, I will give you two stories. One of the stories is true. The other is not. You have to guess.
Have fun!
Winter 2010
Kerrie and I were key witnesses in an attempted murder trial, regarding a mutual friend and her ex-boyfriend. We were watching a movie at my apartment when he came over and started yelling at our friend because she wanted to break up. When Kerrie called the cops, he chased our friend around the apartment with a knife, while Rian tried to tackle him. He eventually fled, but the police caught up with him 20 minutes later and arrested him. Kerrie and I had to stay at an undisclosed location for two days before the trial took place, because he had threatened our lives as well.
OR
After a couple bottles of champagne at a New Year's Eve party, Kerrie and I snuck into my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding the key under his welcome mat. He was visiting relatives in Africa at the time, so we simply ran around the house, drank all his liquor, tried on his sister's expensive designer clothes, and then passed out on his staircase at 3 a.m.
Spring 2010
Kerrie and I found ourselves at the wrong place at the wrong time one afternoon. It resulted in us being chased by the cops, an ongoing investigation that lasted five months, and thousands of dollars spent in legal fees to fight a felony charge and six months in jail. Our lawyer was a wise-crackin' bad ass from New Jersey who only defended drug lords and serial killers. We were a special case for him because he owed my ex-boyfriend a favor. In August, the state finally admitted we were wrongfully accused because of shoddy police work and the case was dismissed. We never even received an apology and the law prohibits us from suing.
OR
Kerrie and I briefly met a very famous fashion designer who was in town visiting her parents (she grew up here). In order to do so, that morning Kerrie and I had pretended to be architecture students from the nearby university and we had convinced the hotel's manager to give us a tour of the historical hotel. We snuck into the hotel later that night and went straight to the presidential suite, armed with a camera. We were incredibly excited. We knocked on the door and announced we were maids. When she opened the door, we saw she was with a man who was not her husband. She was PISSED and yelled for her assistant. Her assistant cornered us in the hallway and threatened to call the police. To save our ass, we signed a confidentiality agreement which said we would not go to the press with what we saw, in exchange for this designer not calling the police on us.
Summer 2010
Kerrie ended up dating a guy for less than a week. It started out sweet because she thought he was a nice guy. But weird things started happening. He sent a picture of himself smiling with the caption "I miss you" but she noticed photos of herself in the background. When she asked him about the photos, he said he had taken them from her facebook profile and had enlarged them to poster size for his bedroom wall. After asking him more questions, she found out that he had been creepily obsessed with her for more than two years prior, without her even knowing it. She had thought they were just casual acquaintances beforehand. She broke it off immediately. He was so outraged, he left a knife and a decapitated Barbie Doll on her doorstep as a warning.
OR
While visiting her grandparents in Miami for two weeks, Kerrie became friends with a girl a few years older than her. This girl was a model (not famous) and dating a married man. This girl took Kerrie to a few clubs around Miami and they became facebook friends. A month and a half later, this girl was murdered after attending a Lady Gaga concert in Texas. It was national news. Kerrie was so creeped out, she refused to be home alone for a month after hearing about it.
Fall 2010
I kissed a girl (and I liked it).
OR
My gay best friend confessed to me that he's in love with me and wants to get married and move immediately to Santa Fe, where we will live happily ever after and have lots of children.
So...what is real and what is fake? You'll never really know. We'll never talk!
Oh, and this post is going to self-destruct in less than 30 seconds.
Kerrie and I can't wait until next year. ;)
Monday, December 27, 2010
MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Thanks everyone for the sweet Christmas wishes! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
Today is my birthday!
To celebrate, I thought I would show you Jennifer Fabulous Through the Years. Hahahaha!
I was a chubby baby. I'm now chubby again. I have come full circle.
Even at three years old, I loved to talk on the phone. I haven't changed a bit.
I've had that cabbage patch doll since before I was born. Even at seven, I never let her out of my sight.
In the years leading up to middle school, I got more awkward. I want to jump in this photo and warn myself.
Middle school was a living hell for me. All of the sudden, I was an unnattractive dork who got locked in the girls' locker room by the cheerleaders.
In high school, it was payback time. The same girls who made fun of me in middle school wanted to be my friend. The boys who had called me names asked me out. (I'm not kidding, it was like a 1998 teen movie). It gave me great pleasure to tell them hell no.
In college, I spent two years dressed like a beatnik and the other two years dressed like a hippie. I miss those days.
...and Jennifer Fabulous, today!! Yay!
Now I'm off to go be lazy and eat pink champagne cake until I'm obese! (I'll be bitching about the inevitable weight gain in the near future, I promise). But for now, I just don't give a damn! XOXO!
Today is my birthday!
To celebrate, I thought I would show you Jennifer Fabulous Through the Years. Hahahaha!
I was a chubby baby. I'm now chubby again. I have come full circle.
Even at three years old, I loved to talk on the phone. I haven't changed a bit.
I've had that cabbage patch doll since before I was born. Even at seven, I never let her out of my sight.
In the years leading up to middle school, I got more awkward. I want to jump in this photo and warn myself.
Middle school was a living hell for me. All of the sudden, I was an unnattractive dork who got locked in the girls' locker room by the cheerleaders.
In high school, it was payback time. The same girls who made fun of me in middle school wanted to be my friend. The boys who had called me names asked me out. (I'm not kidding, it was like a 1998 teen movie). It gave me great pleasure to tell them hell no.
In college, I spent two years dressed like a beatnik and the other two years dressed like a hippie. I miss those days.
...and Jennifer Fabulous, today!! Yay!
Now I'm off to go be lazy and eat pink champagne cake until I'm obese! (I'll be bitching about the inevitable weight gain in the near future, I promise). But for now, I just don't give a damn! XOXO!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas!
For the holiday weekend, I thought I would leave you with a Christmas spectacular.
An elderly man who lives near me goes bat shit crazy with his Christmas decorations each year. He uses hundreds of mechanical dolls, thousands of lights, and numerous other decorations.
His house has become a national attraction, with thousands of visitors each year.
The traffic on his tiny residential street is insane from Thanksgiving until New Years Day. We're talking a nonstop river of schoolbuses, limos, cars, SUVs, and trolleys. All to see his Christmas display.
Needless to say, his neighbors despise him.
It's quite a sight. My crappy homemade video probably doesn't do it justice, but I tried...
Enjoy!
Have a joyful and cozy weekend. I'll see you on Monday!
An elderly man who lives near me goes bat shit crazy with his Christmas decorations each year. He uses hundreds of mechanical dolls, thousands of lights, and numerous other decorations.
His house has become a national attraction, with thousands of visitors each year.
The traffic on his tiny residential street is insane from Thanksgiving until New Years Day. We're talking a nonstop river of schoolbuses, limos, cars, SUVs, and trolleys. All to see his Christmas display.
Needless to say, his neighbors despise him.
It's quite a sight. My crappy homemade video probably doesn't do it justice, but I tried...
Enjoy!
Have a joyful and cozy weekend. I'll see you on Monday!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
My Gift To You
I'm not going to lie.
I started this blog because I love to talk about myself. And can you blame me?! I'm awesome.
This blog has become a place for me to vent, a place for me to brag, a place for me to wallow, and a place for me to debate.
But I also like to think this blog is a place where I can educate.
I feel affection towards you, dear reader, because you are like my little pupil. ;)
The internet is a powerful tool. We are told we shouldn't believe everything we read, but the internet seems so...authoritative. I could write on this blog that earth is triangular and you would roll your eyes and not believe me, because logically that isn't possible, but in the back of your mind you might be thinking, "my god...what if she's right?" And if you're still wondering this possibility in 20 years, my job here is done.
But I'm not here to tell you the earth is triangular. I'm not here to make you stupid.
I am here to give you some advice. Really, just educate you on how to be a better person.
Stand up for yourself.
This advice stems from a conversation I had with my friend Brittany yesterday. She said something fabulously profound.
"If people just stood up for themselves and stood up for what is right, the world wouldn't be that bad."
Don't put up with people treating you like shit, basically. Because if they learn they can't get away with it, they will stop. If they learn it really offends you, they may stop. You could be preventing someone else from getting hurt.
I'm not saying you should sharpen your nastiest cuss words every morning for that run-in with an annoying coworker. I'm not saying you should use a baseball bat during road rage incidents.
Just stand up for yourself.
Remember the incident a couple months ago where I chased the school bus down after the teenager yelled a racist and sexist remark at me? Well, it turns out the bus driver confessed this kid had done it several times before, to other women, before I got him busted. But every other woman had put her head down and walked away. No one else did anything about it!
Don't be that person who walks away with a sad face and a heavy heart.
Racist, sexist, and other prejudiced insults should not be tolerated. Cruelty should not be tolerated.
Stand up for yourself, because chances are, no one else will.
I started this blog because I love to talk about myself. And can you blame me?! I'm awesome.
This blog has become a place for me to vent, a place for me to brag, a place for me to wallow, and a place for me to debate.
But I also like to think this blog is a place where I can educate.
I feel affection towards you, dear reader, because you are like my little pupil. ;)
The internet is a powerful tool. We are told we shouldn't believe everything we read, but the internet seems so...authoritative. I could write on this blog that earth is triangular and you would roll your eyes and not believe me, because logically that isn't possible, but in the back of your mind you might be thinking, "my god...what if she's right?" And if you're still wondering this possibility in 20 years, my job here is done.
But I'm not here to tell you the earth is triangular. I'm not here to make you stupid.
I am here to give you some advice. Really, just educate you on how to be a better person.
Stand up for yourself.
This advice stems from a conversation I had with my friend Brittany yesterday. She said something fabulously profound.
"If people just stood up for themselves and stood up for what is right, the world wouldn't be that bad."
Don't put up with people treating you like shit, basically. Because if they learn they can't get away with it, they will stop. If they learn it really offends you, they may stop. You could be preventing someone else from getting hurt.
I'm not saying you should sharpen your nastiest cuss words every morning for that run-in with an annoying coworker. I'm not saying you should use a baseball bat during road rage incidents.
Just stand up for yourself.
Remember the incident a couple months ago where I chased the school bus down after the teenager yelled a racist and sexist remark at me? Well, it turns out the bus driver confessed this kid had done it several times before, to other women, before I got him busted. But every other woman had put her head down and walked away. No one else did anything about it!
Don't be that person who walks away with a sad face and a heavy heart.
Racist, sexist, and other prejudiced insults should not be tolerated. Cruelty should not be tolerated.
Stand up for yourself, because chances are, no one else will.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The Valet
This weekend, Rian and I saw an awesome film, "The Valet."
I had been wanting to see this movie ever since I saw the preview for it on my Priceless DVD. The preview made the French film look glamorous, hilarious, and touching. In other words, it was spot on.
This 2006 film is about a Parisian valet and a supermodel who pretend to be a couple, in order to save a CEO's marriage. Basically, the billionaire CEO is screwing around with the top model, Elena, but when his wife sees a photo of them together in a tabloid, he tells his wife that Elena is dating the valet instead. Elena and the valet are forced to live together in order to keep up the charade. Hilarity ensues.
This being a romantic comedy, I'm not going to lie and say there are Oscar-worthy performances here. But the acting is, in fact, pretty good.
Alice Taglioni, who plays Elena, is convincing as the sweet, yet cunning, supermodel.
Kristin Scott Thomas is perfect as the CEO's intelligent and worldly wife.
The man who steals the show, however, is Gad Elmaleh, who plays the goofy and adorable valet. From this film and "Priceless," I get the feeling that Gad is a bit like the French Hugh Grant: the sexy yet sincere bumbling everydayman who is just trying to get by. And he plays these roles quite charmingly. I always find myself giggling like an inappropriate school girl every time Gad flashes his bright, innocent smile in each scene.
My favorite part of the movie is when Elena stars in an actual Chanel fashion show. Karl Lagerfeld makes a guest appearance. I wanted to faint from the utter fabulousness of it all.
I highly suggest you rent or netflix "The Valet." It's the perfect way to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Guest Post: There is a War in Heaven...?
What can I say about my next guest blogger? It's hard to put into words how much I adore Blaze Taylorr. She's sweet, cool, intelligent, thoughtful, and um, AMAZING! Not to mention, she has the cutest blog around. We've been blog friends for a very long time now, so I'm ecstatic she's giving me a guest post. I hope her topic gives you something to ponder this weekend. Enjoy!
(This topic came up during the reading of Paradise Lost in my 12th grade British Literature class.)
Paradise Lost is an epic poem written by John Milton in the 17th century. He compared the turmoil going on in England to Lucifer being cast out of Heaven with his other rebel angels. He hoped that a great literary work would bring his people together. Keep in mind that Milton was almost completely blind when he wrote this masterpiece (which I think is totally awesome... Not that he was blind but that even despite his condition he could inspire others. :)
Our teacher asked us if we really believed the story of Adam and Eve, when Eve picked the fruit off the forbidden tree and they were cast out of The Garden of Eden. Obviously, being the Christian that I am, instantly said, of course I believe it. Why wouldn't I? She replied with a "it's not true". And it really made me think, what is really true about the Bible. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in the Bible, but not all that it teaches us. God didn't write the Bible, other people did like Ezra or Moses. Even if their stories were true, the Bible has been translated and most likely tampered with after all these centuries. Anyone could have put whatever they wanted or believed in, in the Bible.
Another point that was made in my class discussion was that there is a war going on in Heaven. Key word here is in Heaven. My teacher stated that there are angels still trying to get all the power God has. Just like Lucifer had attempted to. I am strongly against this because if the angels were trying to get the power God has, wouldn't they be cast out just like Lucifer? My teacher replied with, well God gets tired of doing the same thing over and over. He gets tired? So since we're doing so bad down here, with the wars, rape, domestic abuse, murders, robberies, lying, cheating, etc, wouldn't God have killed us all and just started over again? No, because God is love. He gives us all fair chances and we will be judged accordingly. I guess this is where all the movies come in with the world ending. However, there can't be war in Heaven. Heaven, God, Jesus, and all the angels is the ultimate representation of good, and Lucifer, his rebel angels, and hell is the ultimate representation of bad. So the world, since we are in the middle of both realms, is where the war is being fought. We have the free will of choice, whether to do good or bad. There is a constant war over our souls. Should I lie to my mother today? Should I go to work or school? Should I punch this person because they pissed me off. These are only a few situations in which we have to chose the good side, or the bad. And that is where the war is. Satan believes if he gets enough of us on his side, he still has a chance to overturn God. Which will never happen, God is what gives us breath and life and everything we have.
God is power and all things good.
PS. Don't forget to check out Blaze Taylorr!
(This topic came up during the reading of Paradise Lost in my 12th grade British Literature class.)
Paradise Lost is an epic poem written by John Milton in the 17th century. He compared the turmoil going on in England to Lucifer being cast out of Heaven with his other rebel angels. He hoped that a great literary work would bring his people together. Keep in mind that Milton was almost completely blind when he wrote this masterpiece (which I think is totally awesome... Not that he was blind but that even despite his condition he could inspire others. :)
Our teacher asked us if we really believed the story of Adam and Eve, when Eve picked the fruit off the forbidden tree and they were cast out of The Garden of Eden. Obviously, being the Christian that I am, instantly said, of course I believe it. Why wouldn't I? She replied with a "it's not true". And it really made me think, what is really true about the Bible. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in the Bible, but not all that it teaches us. God didn't write the Bible, other people did like Ezra or Moses. Even if their stories were true, the Bible has been translated and most likely tampered with after all these centuries. Anyone could have put whatever they wanted or believed in, in the Bible.
Another point that was made in my class discussion was that there is a war going on in Heaven. Key word here is in Heaven. My teacher stated that there are angels still trying to get all the power God has. Just like Lucifer had attempted to. I am strongly against this because if the angels were trying to get the power God has, wouldn't they be cast out just like Lucifer? My teacher replied with, well God gets tired of doing the same thing over and over. He gets tired? So since we're doing so bad down here, with the wars, rape, domestic abuse, murders, robberies, lying, cheating, etc, wouldn't God have killed us all and just started over again? No, because God is love. He gives us all fair chances and we will be judged accordingly. I guess this is where all the movies come in with the world ending. However, there can't be war in Heaven. Heaven, God, Jesus, and all the angels is the ultimate representation of good, and Lucifer, his rebel angels, and hell is the ultimate representation of bad. So the world, since we are in the middle of both realms, is where the war is being fought. We have the free will of choice, whether to do good or bad. There is a constant war over our souls. Should I lie to my mother today? Should I go to work or school? Should I punch this person because they pissed me off. These are only a few situations in which we have to chose the good side, or the bad. And that is where the war is. Satan believes if he gets enough of us on his side, he still has a chance to overturn God. Which will never happen, God is what gives us breath and life and everything we have.
God is power and all things good.
PS. Don't forget to check out Blaze Taylorr!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
What's your poison?
I normally don't drink alcohol right after getting out of bed. But today is an exception.
It's 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, I'm unemployed, I feel like shit, and I'm fabulous.
I need a fucking drink. Right now.
I contemplated my usual gin & tonic, or perhaps a vodka on the rocks, or maybe a cosmo. But I decided I had enough ingredients to get creative, so I looked online for recipes.
Ummm...not all drink recipes are good. Sometimes you can tell just by looking at the ingredients something is going to be a disaster.
Below, I have listed a few of the most unappealing cocktails I came across. I finally decided on a screwdriver (seems more appropriate for the a.m.), so I won't be having any of these. But you can if you want! Hahaha!
Enjoy!
(Note: These are REAL. People actually drink these concoctions)
McDonalds To Go!
The Whiskeyburger
(Journalists at Esquire magazine came up with this mixed drink, which became quite popular amongst their staff. It supposedly tastes like an actual hamburger.)
Stir well with cracked ice:
3 oz ground-chuck-infused whiskey
2 tsp tomato syrup
1/4 tsp mustard bitters
Strain into small old-fashioned glass or cocktail glass. Top off with lettuce-onion foam* and garnish with a dill-pickle round.
Like cough syrup??
Robitussin
(This is an extremely popular drink, found on countless drink sites. Apparently people love the taste of this medicine...)
1 1/2 oz. Cherry Vodka
1 1/2 oz. Root Beer Schnapps
Stir, best without the rocks. Tastes just like the real thing.
Health nut?
The Lawnmower
(This drink was actually conceptualized by Homer Simpson on an episode of the Simpsons. It has since become a legitimate drink.)
1 Part vodka
1 Part Wheatgrass Juice
Mix 1 part freshly squeezed wheatgrass juice and 1 part vodka into a shot glass and shoot
The Worst of the Worst
Hemorrhoid Fever
(I found this one here. I'm...speechless.)
4 oz Bourbon
18 oz 180 proof Vodka
7 oz Blueberry Schnapps
6 cubes Beef Bouillon
1 stick Butter
Throw all ingredients into a blender, add ice to taste, mix and chill, serve.
So...yummy?
It's 10 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, I'm unemployed, I feel like shit, and I'm fabulous.
I need a fucking drink. Right now.
I contemplated my usual gin & tonic, or perhaps a vodka on the rocks, or maybe a cosmo. But I decided I had enough ingredients to get creative, so I looked online for recipes.
Ummm...not all drink recipes are good. Sometimes you can tell just by looking at the ingredients something is going to be a disaster.
Below, I have listed a few of the most unappealing cocktails I came across. I finally decided on a screwdriver (seems more appropriate for the a.m.), so I won't be having any of these. But you can if you want! Hahaha!
Enjoy!
(Note: These are REAL. People actually drink these concoctions)
McDonalds To Go!
The Whiskeyburger
(Journalists at Esquire magazine came up with this mixed drink, which became quite popular amongst their staff. It supposedly tastes like an actual hamburger.)
Stir well with cracked ice:
3 oz ground-chuck-infused whiskey
2 tsp tomato syrup
1/4 tsp mustard bitters
Strain into small old-fashioned glass or cocktail glass. Top off with lettuce-onion foam* and garnish with a dill-pickle round.
Like cough syrup??
Robitussin
(This is an extremely popular drink, found on countless drink sites. Apparently people love the taste of this medicine...)
1 1/2 oz. Cherry Vodka
1 1/2 oz. Root Beer Schnapps
Stir, best without the rocks. Tastes just like the real thing.
Health nut?
The Lawnmower
(This drink was actually conceptualized by Homer Simpson on an episode of the Simpsons. It has since become a legitimate drink.)
1 Part vodka
1 Part Wheatgrass Juice
Mix 1 part freshly squeezed wheatgrass juice and 1 part vodka into a shot glass and shoot
The Worst of the Worst
Hemorrhoid Fever
(I found this one here. I'm...speechless.)
4 oz Bourbon
18 oz 180 proof Vodka
7 oz Blueberry Schnapps
6 cubes Beef Bouillon
1 stick Butter
Throw all ingredients into a blender, add ice to taste, mix and chill, serve.
So...yummy?
Monday, December 13, 2010
My Christmas List (Scrooge Style)
I don't understand people who like Christmas.
It's not because I'm against it or because I practice another religion, it's more like I've never really known a life where Christmas spirit exists.
I'm not particularly religious, I have no extended family members or friends who visit, I have no desire to stuff my fat body with more food, and I hate snow.
Oh, and holidays with my parents aren't exactly...jolly.
For 26 years, I have usually spent the day listening to my parents fight over everything (my mom's cooking, their bad choice of gifts for each other, which neighborhood church to crash for Christmas service, etc.).
When I was little, I used to stare out our living room window at the happy families across the street enjoying Christmas magic. In their living room windows, I could see children, parents, and grandparents glowing with joyful smiles, admiring a beautifully lit tree, and hugging each other. It all seemed so cozy and sweet, compared to what I had to endure. I compensated my unhappiness by playing with the fabulous, elaborate presents my father would buy me. (The ONLY benefit of being an only child in an upper-middle class family).
But these days I don't even have the presents to comfort me.
My dad stopped giving me Christmas and birthday presents four years ago. (My punishment for dating a guy he doesn't like). My mom, bless her heart, gives me the same bath spray which has been piling up in my linen closet for the past five years. It has been a really long time since I've exchanged decent presents with anyone.
Well, I am so beaten down and penniless this year, that I have gone beyond wanting material things for Christmas (or my birthday, which is two days later).
Here is MY grown-up Christmas list. If I can just get ONE of these things, life will be a little happier this holiday season.
1. If you know me personally (i.e. a facebook friend, a real friend, or, I don't know, you conceived me) don't ask me every single day if I have found a job yet. Believe me, when I find a job, you will be the FIRST PERSON TO KNOW. There will be facebook statuses about my new job. There will be a blog post about my new job. I will call you to tell you the news. I will e-mail you. Chances are, you will be sick of hearing about my new job. Please stop asking, because every time you ask me, I die a little inside. It reminds me that I pretty much suck as a person. Thanks.
2. Dear Frat Boy Who Lives in the Apartment Across From Me: Please close your window and/or shut your blinds at night. I am SO TIRED of glancing outside my bedroom window and catching you masturbate to internet porn. Again. With the lights on. Because next time, I will video you and put it on youtube and tag your name to it. Not kidding.
3. I would really appreciate it if my hand could stop grabbing food and my mouth could stop chewing it. This midnight snacking is getting kind of ridiculous. Put down the fucking goldfish crackers! ABORT! ABORT! SPIT OUT NOW! No, do NOT swallow. Nooooo!...somebody please tazer me next time.
4. If you love me, at least laugh at my jokes once in a while. Humor is all I have going for me right now. My looks are fading. My figure has expanded. My intelligence left a long time ago. Could you...at least pretend? I'll take a fake laugh over a blank stare at this point.
5. Be nice to to me. Don't cut me off in traffic because I'm only going five over the speed limit. Don't expect me to bend over backwards for you for the millionth time when you won't even return the favor. Don't ignore me while I'm pouring my heart out to you. Please, just be nice.
I could go on forever, but I'll spare you.
I don't think Santa can bring me these presents...
Oh, and for those of you who skimmed over this post because you either don't care or you don't want to leave your happy Christmas bubble (and I really don't blame you), here is a photo of a Christmas puppy to stare at. Enjoy!
It's not because I'm against it or because I practice another religion, it's more like I've never really known a life where Christmas spirit exists.
I'm not particularly religious, I have no extended family members or friends who visit, I have no desire to stuff my fat body with more food, and I hate snow.
Oh, and holidays with my parents aren't exactly...jolly.
For 26 years, I have usually spent the day listening to my parents fight over everything (my mom's cooking, their bad choice of gifts for each other, which neighborhood church to crash for Christmas service, etc.).
When I was little, I used to stare out our living room window at the happy families across the street enjoying Christmas magic. In their living room windows, I could see children, parents, and grandparents glowing with joyful smiles, admiring a beautifully lit tree, and hugging each other. It all seemed so cozy and sweet, compared to what I had to endure. I compensated my unhappiness by playing with the fabulous, elaborate presents my father would buy me. (The ONLY benefit of being an only child in an upper-middle class family).
But these days I don't even have the presents to comfort me.
My dad stopped giving me Christmas and birthday presents four years ago. (My punishment for dating a guy he doesn't like). My mom, bless her heart, gives me the same bath spray which has been piling up in my linen closet for the past five years. It has been a really long time since I've exchanged decent presents with anyone.
Well, I am so beaten down and penniless this year, that I have gone beyond wanting material things for Christmas (or my birthday, which is two days later).
Here is MY grown-up Christmas list. If I can just get ONE of these things, life will be a little happier this holiday season.
1. If you know me personally (i.e. a facebook friend, a real friend, or, I don't know, you conceived me) don't ask me every single day if I have found a job yet. Believe me, when I find a job, you will be the FIRST PERSON TO KNOW. There will be facebook statuses about my new job. There will be a blog post about my new job. I will call you to tell you the news. I will e-mail you. Chances are, you will be sick of hearing about my new job. Please stop asking, because every time you ask me, I die a little inside. It reminds me that I pretty much suck as a person. Thanks.
2. Dear Frat Boy Who Lives in the Apartment Across From Me: Please close your window and/or shut your blinds at night. I am SO TIRED of glancing outside my bedroom window and catching you masturbate to internet porn. Again. With the lights on. Because next time, I will video you and put it on youtube and tag your name to it. Not kidding.
3. I would really appreciate it if my hand could stop grabbing food and my mouth could stop chewing it. This midnight snacking is getting kind of ridiculous. Put down the fucking goldfish crackers! ABORT! ABORT! SPIT OUT NOW! No, do NOT swallow. Nooooo!...somebody please tazer me next time.
4. If you love me, at least laugh at my jokes once in a while. Humor is all I have going for me right now. My looks are fading. My figure has expanded. My intelligence left a long time ago. Could you...at least pretend? I'll take a fake laugh over a blank stare at this point.
5. Be nice to to me. Don't cut me off in traffic because I'm only going five over the speed limit. Don't expect me to bend over backwards for you for the millionth time when you won't even return the favor. Don't ignore me while I'm pouring my heart out to you. Please, just be nice.
I could go on forever, but I'll spare you.
I don't think Santa can bring me these presents...
Oh, and for those of you who skimmed over this post because you either don't care or you don't want to leave your happy Christmas bubble (and I really don't blame you), here is a photo of a Christmas puppy to stare at. Enjoy!
Friday, December 10, 2010
'Tamara Drewe'
Last night, Rian and I accidentally ended up seeing a really cute movie. We were late for the showing of 127 Hours and 'Tamara Drewe' happened to be the next show playing.
Reluctantly, we saw it. It couldn't have been a more perfect mistake!
The British film centers around newspaper reporter Tamara Drewe (Gemma Arterton) who used to be the ugly duckling in the Dorset village of Ewedown. Now, all grown up and with the help of plastic surgery, she returns to her hometown as a gorgeous bombshell. Her arrival turns the tiny village upside down as she gains a following of lovesick suitors.
The film is a bit racy, a tad sad, and a lot of fun. The story centers around the different people living in the town, which I thought was kind of cool. It made me feel as though I lived in the town and was simply observing all the hilarity firsthand.
The interesting storyline and gorgeous scenery are what make this film awesome.
My favorite characters were two silly 15-year-old school girls who innocently cause mischief throughout the film. The two actresses, Charlotte Christie and Jessica Barden, definitely stole the show. Their acting was very believable and they had some of the most hilarious scenes and quotes in the film. Rian also thought they were hysterical, but only because they reminded him of me and Kerrie.
Another great character was Ben, the ridiculous indie rock star, played brilliantly by Dominic Cooper.
While I really enjoyed the movie, I kind of felt like there was something lacking in Tamara. There was a really good back story that could have been used better. There were issues I thought should be addressed more, in order for the audience to feel really sympathetic for the newly-turned beauty. I don't know if it was Gemma's acting, or the filmmakers' decisions, but Tamara was a complex character that seemed frustratingly one-dimensional throughout the film.
Another character I would have liked to known more about was Andy, the hot gardner, played by Luke Evans. Although he played a key role in the film, his acting was so static and his character was so cardboard cut-out, he simply could have been an extra.
But overall, I thought the film was adorable and insightful. I definitely recommend it, whether it be at the movie theater or through netflix.
Oh, and interesting fact: The film is actually based on a graphic novel of the same name.
I don't really pay much attention to graphic novels, as I enjoy reading without illustrations, but this fact really opened my eyes. It kind of makes me want to get the graphic novel to see if I can learn more about the background of Tamara.
Do you guys read graphic novels? What movies have you seen recently?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. I bought all her movies. I had posters of her. I had her Barbie Dolls. I owned five biographies about her, and knew most of her life by heart. I even had a Marilyn Monroe license plate for my car!
Recently, I have moved on to other idols, but I still keep Marilyn close to my heart. I still watch my Marilyn movie collection every so often. I have my Marilyn Barbies nostalgically placed in a china cabinet in my bedroom. I have her posters lining my closet wall. I have a an awesome collection of Marilyn Monroe wine adorning my kitchen bar.
Last night, I watched one of my favorite movies, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes," which I hadn't seen for a few years. I was kind of startled because I forgot how much I adored the fashion in the movie. When I think of fashion-inspiring films, I normally think about ones starring Audrey or Grace. After all, while Marilyn is a beauty icon in Hollywood, I never really considered her a fashion legend.
But this film changed my mind.
Here are some of my favorite outfits from the movie:
And of course, the famous pink dress every girl wishes she owned...
See what I mean? Fabulous fashion at its best!
I was so inspired by this movie, I actually created a polyvore. I have not made a polyvore in years, so this is kind of a big deal. Haha.
I highly suggest you see "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" if you have not done so already. The film captures the Hollywood glamour of the golden years and Marilyn's magnetism will bewitch you. Oh, and there are diamonds. Lots of them. Need I say more?
Monday, December 6, 2010
My Awkward Songs
I am a child of the 90s.
In the early 90s, I was an elementary school student obsessed with Mariah Carey, in the mid-90s, I was middle schooler who was the most faithful Spice Girl fan EVER, and in the late 90s, as a high schooler, I got to meet my new idol, Britney Spears when she came to our mall for an autograph signing.
In the middle of all this awesomeness, I encountered some random, now mostly forgotten pop songs which impacted my adolescence.
This is my life, told with each bittersweet, horribly bad song.
Enjoy.
"Gangsta's Paradise"
Coolio
I performed this song with a straight face during a middle school talent show in 1995. It didn't take me very long to memorize the lyrics, since the song was played on the radio every half hour. It was my attempt at dry humor and I was pleased to see it worked. It received more laughter and applause than my 5th grade mime performance, where I dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and chased invisible balloons around stage for five minutes. And that act had been a solid hit!
"Don't Let Go (What's it Gonna Be?)"
En Vogue
When I discovered I was moving to the cornfields of Nebraska from the sunny beaches of southern Florida in 1996, I was devastated. I loved my life in Tampa, plus, I had already established an almost-boyfriend, Frankie. (An almost-boyfriend is a big deal for a 12-year-old.) Frankie and I had met at the back-to-school dance, where I taught him the precise steps to the Macarena. Later that night, we slow danced to a couple of Boyz II Men songs. It was magical. Well, as a sweet and sorrowful goodbye present, Frankie gave me the tape single for Don't Let Go. He said it was our song. At the time I thought it was sweet, but now I just think it was creepy. Especially after seeing the music video and actually listening to the lyrics.
"Your Woman"
White Town
When I was 13, I didn't know what this song meant. Now at 26, and after seeing this perplexing music video, I still don't know what it means. But when I was in eighth grade, this song played on the radio EVERY TEN MINUTES. Nobody knew what it meant, but they loved it, apparently. To this day, when I hear this song on one of those "gen x" radio stations, I get the most vivid memories of driving with my parents to Wal-Mart or carpooling with my neighbor, Katie, to school. It's amazing how much a stupid song can create such strong flashbacks...
"Ditty"
Paperboy
This song is from 1993. But it didn't influence my life until 2001. I was hanging out with my best friend, Jeff, and we decided to take a road trip to Cleveland, Ohio, one weekend. He made a mixed tape for me and played it while we were on the road. When this song came on, he had me pull over, and this was the soundtrack to one of the most romantic moments of my life. During this song, Jeff professed that was deeply in love with me and wanted us to get married and have children once we graduated high school. He said he already had our house picked out. Well, once the fall of 2002 came, Jeff and I went to different colleges. He headed to NYU and I went to journalism school out west. But distance isn't what has kept us from rekindling our love: Jeff came out of the closet in 2006.
Oh, and as a bonus, I've included the Spice World trailer. I'll never forget where I was when I saw this trailer for the first time. I was with my sister, Jenn, at some now-forgotten Leonardo DiCaprio movie and we almost fainted with the fabulousness. Unfortunately, by the time the film actually made it to theaters in Nebraska, Spice Girl mania had died somewhat and we ended up being the only people in the theater opening weekend.
In the early 90s, I was an elementary school student obsessed with Mariah Carey, in the mid-90s, I was middle schooler who was the most faithful Spice Girl fan EVER, and in the late 90s, as a high schooler, I got to meet my new idol, Britney Spears when she came to our mall for an autograph signing.
In the middle of all this awesomeness, I encountered some random, now mostly forgotten pop songs which impacted my adolescence.
This is my life, told with each bittersweet, horribly bad song.
Enjoy.
"Gangsta's Paradise"
Coolio
I performed this song with a straight face during a middle school talent show in 1995. It didn't take me very long to memorize the lyrics, since the song was played on the radio every half hour. It was my attempt at dry humor and I was pleased to see it worked. It received more laughter and applause than my 5th grade mime performance, where I dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and chased invisible balloons around stage for five minutes. And that act had been a solid hit!
"Don't Let Go (What's it Gonna Be?)"
En Vogue
When I discovered I was moving to the cornfields of Nebraska from the sunny beaches of southern Florida in 1996, I was devastated. I loved my life in Tampa, plus, I had already established an almost-boyfriend, Frankie. (An almost-boyfriend is a big deal for a 12-year-old.) Frankie and I had met at the back-to-school dance, where I taught him the precise steps to the Macarena. Later that night, we slow danced to a couple of Boyz II Men songs. It was magical. Well, as a sweet and sorrowful goodbye present, Frankie gave me the tape single for Don't Let Go. He said it was our song. At the time I thought it was sweet, but now I just think it was creepy. Especially after seeing the music video and actually listening to the lyrics.
"Your Woman"
White Town
When I was 13, I didn't know what this song meant. Now at 26, and after seeing this perplexing music video, I still don't know what it means. But when I was in eighth grade, this song played on the radio EVERY TEN MINUTES. Nobody knew what it meant, but they loved it, apparently. To this day, when I hear this song on one of those "gen x" radio stations, I get the most vivid memories of driving with my parents to Wal-Mart or carpooling with my neighbor, Katie, to school. It's amazing how much a stupid song can create such strong flashbacks...
"Ditty"
Paperboy
This song is from 1993. But it didn't influence my life until 2001. I was hanging out with my best friend, Jeff, and we decided to take a road trip to Cleveland, Ohio, one weekend. He made a mixed tape for me and played it while we were on the road. When this song came on, he had me pull over, and this was the soundtrack to one of the most romantic moments of my life. During this song, Jeff professed that was deeply in love with me and wanted us to get married and have children once we graduated high school. He said he already had our house picked out. Well, once the fall of 2002 came, Jeff and I went to different colleges. He headed to NYU and I went to journalism school out west. But distance isn't what has kept us from rekindling our love: Jeff came out of the closet in 2006.
Oh, and as a bonus, I've included the Spice World trailer. I'll never forget where I was when I saw this trailer for the first time. I was with my sister, Jenn, at some now-forgotten Leonardo DiCaprio movie and we almost fainted with the fabulousness. Unfortunately, by the time the film actually made it to theaters in Nebraska, Spice Girl mania had died somewhat and we ended up being the only people in the theater opening weekend.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Guest Post: Water Marbling Nail Polish Technique
To make sure you have a fabulous weekend, I am leaving you with an awesome guest blogger, Amber. Not only is she beautiful, stylish, and clever, but Amber also happens to be an amazing friend. Her fashion blog, Amber's Mouthwash, has been one of my favorite reads for a very long time. Enjoy her guest post and then go check out her blog!
For Jennifer Fabulous' blog, I wanted to do something just as unique and fabulous as she is. I decided what could be better than something that is never the same twice? As a self professed nail polish fiend, I want to show you one of my favorite polish techniques: The Water-marbling Technique. It's as beautiful as it is unique and bound to attract compliments.
For those of you who are hearing about this technique for the first time, you are in for treat! While it can be a bit of a clean up, the pay off it well worth it - you won't be able to stop admiring your artwork. Even those who are artistically inclined will be masters. I have been stopped in malls by complete strangers who want to know where I got my nails done. If you are seeking for ways to break up your manicure routine, this is the perfect solution. Enjoy and have fun!
TIPS:
*While dark and bright colors work best, a solid white creates some amazing effects.
*The matte polish I used turned out great - too bad I put a top coat on to seal everything else....
* If you don't want to spend about 20 minutes cleaning up around your nails, do this before you plan on taking a shower. The steam will lift the excess polish right off.
*Sometimes waiting until the polish film dries and then dipping your nail makes for really cool "lightening streaks" across the nail. Very cool.
Remember, there is no "right" way to do this! Have fun with it!
*Fun Fact* the yellow polish pictured in the film is now: in my carpet, on my November Vogue, Bridal planning book, bank receipt and headband. Too bad I didn't catch it on camera.
And that's it! Let me know what you think - I hope you try it too! I would love to see your results!!
Thank you for allowing me to guest write on your blog Jennifer! Such a cool idea!
For Jennifer Fabulous' blog, I wanted to do something just as unique and fabulous as she is. I decided what could be better than something that is never the same twice? As a self professed nail polish fiend, I want to show you one of my favorite polish techniques: The Water-marbling Technique. It's as beautiful as it is unique and bound to attract compliments.
For those of you who are hearing about this technique for the first time, you are in for treat! While it can be a bit of a clean up, the pay off it well worth it - you won't be able to stop admiring your artwork. Even those who are artistically inclined will be masters. I have been stopped in malls by complete strangers who want to know where I got my nails done. If you are seeking for ways to break up your manicure routine, this is the perfect solution. Enjoy and have fun!
TIPS:
*While dark and bright colors work best, a solid white creates some amazing effects.
*The matte polish I used turned out great - too bad I put a top coat on to seal everything else....
* If you don't want to spend about 20 minutes cleaning up around your nails, do this before you plan on taking a shower. The steam will lift the excess polish right off.
*Sometimes waiting until the polish film dries and then dipping your nail makes for really cool "lightening streaks" across the nail. Very cool.
Remember, there is no "right" way to do this! Have fun with it!
*Fun Fact* the yellow polish pictured in the film is now: in my carpet, on my November Vogue, Bridal planning book, bank receipt and headband. Too bad I didn't catch it on camera.
And that's it! Let me know what you think - I hope you try it too! I would love to see your results!!
Thank you for allowing me to guest write on your blog Jennifer! Such a cool idea!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Just breathe...
I took this photo during a camping trip a couple months ago.
For me, this image is a symbol of hope. As I stared into the sunset that chilly October evening, I realized that life doesn't revolve around me. The world is beautiful, vast, and mysterious. No matter what happens to us, it doesn't matter. Life will go on. We need to appreciate life and the beauty around us, or we will regret it seconds before it is too late.
This year has been a test for me. I think I passed simply by not having a nervous breakdown. It has been a dreadful year, filled with death of people (and friendships), loss of money (and jobs), and other not-so-fabulous situations. I can only hope that 2011 will be a better year, filled with good news, rather than bad.
Maybe a year from now, I will look back on this post in bitterness because it didn't come true. Or perhaps I will look back on this post in relief because it did. Who knows.
I just can't dwell on the negative aspects of my life. I need happiness.
Thank you all for being fabulous friends.