My Dating Disasters (Part II: The Mikes)

As promised, here are two other douchebags I dated:


Biological Clock Man



After interning at our local NBC station during college, I was asked out by one of the cameramen, named Mike. He was young and cute, so I said yes.

The date started out fine. He took me to a baseball game and we had fun.

It was when he took me to Denny's restaurant afterwards, that things got weird.

"I'm just going to lay it out for you," he randomly said, after we ordered our coffee. "I'm not looking for a good time. I'm looking for a wife."

Um, what.

"I'm 29 years old and in six months, I'm going to be 30," he said. "I want a wife and I want children, before I get too old. I don't have much time left. You're beautiful and I think you would be the perfect partner on my life journey."

"But, you don't even know me," I said, bewildered.

"We can get to know each other later," he quickly responded. "You don't understand. Everyone in my family got married before they were 30. They have kids now. I want kids. I want kids so bad. Will you please consider what I am asking you?"

I hesitantly told him I would think about it, only because he was my ride home and I was worried he was mentally unstable.

The next day, I left a quick voicemail on his cell phone saying I had decided he was too old for me and I didn't feel comfortable marrying someone who was going to be 30 in six months. I had been 21 at the time.

It was a mean gesture on my part, but I was pretty and skinny back then and frequently got away with being a brat.

The icing on the cake came a year later when a college friend of mine, Liz, and I were reminiscing about bad dates. We discovered that we had Mike in common.

"I went out with Mike after I interned at NBC last March," Liz said. "The date was going fine until he took me to Denny's and told me that he wanted a wife."

...wow.


The Pesky Politician



I was sitting at my desk in the newsroom, when the phone rang. It was the mayor. "I hope you don't mind my asking you a personal question," she asked. "But are you single?"

"Ummm yes," I responded, in surprise.

"Well I have good news for you!" she giggled. "One of the council members has a crush on you."

In horror, my mind raced through all the male city council members. They were mostly ghastly-looking fellows over 60.

"Who is it?" I asked, fearfully.

"Mike!" She squealed. "Can I give him your number?"

Oh, Mike. I had forgotten about him. He was a pretty decent looking 32-year-old who was recently elected on the council. After getting clearance from my editor, I told her to give Mike the green light.

A few days later, Mike took me out to a romantic Spanish cafe for tapas. He overdosed on the charm and by the time dinner was served, it became apparent he wasn't my type. But I remained friendly and cringed through his lame jokes.

When he dropped me off after the date, he tried to kiss me. I backed away. But he grabbed my head roughly and stuck his tongue in my mouth.

"I bought you dinner so you kiss me," he growled.

I was stunned and incredibly upset.

I ignored all his phone calls after that date, even when he would ring my work desk up to 15 times per day.

Two weeks later, I had to cover a city council meeting for a news story I was working on. I avoided eye contact with Mike as he stared at me from his podium.

During the 15 minute intermission, a middle-aged woman approached me.

"You must be Jenny, the news reporter," she said, with a big fake smile. "Mike was right, you are very pretty."

She introduced herself as Patty, Mike's mother. He had flown her in from Las Vegas that morning so she could attend the city council meeting and meet me. He had found out several days earlier that I would be attending the meeting.

"Mike talks about you every single day," she said. "Sometimes for hours. He's very taken with you. But he tells me you're not answering his phone calls and he wants to know why."

I just stared at her with my mouth open.

"He told me how much you love shopping," she continued. "Maybe we could discuss why you're not answering his calls while we browse through the shoe selection at Nordstrom?"

I didn't answer. I was too flabbergasted.

The meeting resumed. After the meeting, Patty made another beeline for me and I ran.

I continued ignoring Mike's persistent phone calls for months until he finally stopped. He had been calling up to 20 times per day!

Three years later, Mike unsuccessfully ran for mayor.



So out of the four douchebags I've reviewed, which one seems like the biggest douchebag to you?