Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

High School Horoscopes



When I first joined my high school newspaper, I was desperate to write feature stories. I wanted to write about fashion. I wanted to write about prom. I wanted to write about the drama club.

Shit, I was even willing to write about the boys varsity soccer team, even if it meant I had to spend two hours after school chatting up each and every muscular, sweaty, good looking upperclassman on the field. That was the kind of sacrifice I was willing to make.

But the editor, who was this snooty cheerleader bitch, decided that the new kids at school weren't good enough to write real stories. So, for an entire semester I was given the unenviable task of writing the horoscopes.

I was so bitter and upset, that every week I wrote mean horoscopes. Surprisingly, the editor didn't flinch when I turned them in and she kept publishing them. And instead of kids getting upset, I discovered they...loved it. Students I didn't even know approached me in the hallways to compliment my work. They loved being told how much they sucked!



The mean horoscopes were such a hit that when the editor finally did let me write feature stories, she started getting messages from students who wanted me to write the horoscopes again. Haha. Fat chance.

Well, I found one of my old high school newspapers when I was cleaning my bedroom closet the other day. I transcribed my awkward teenage work below.

Enjoy! (Or not)

Aries (March 21-April 19): Love is in the air. Unfortunately, so is the flu. Breath at your own risk.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You know that crush you have from third period? The one you lovingly stare at all the time? Yeah, we all know. It's not gonna happen. We'd all feel sorry for you, if you weren't so pathetic.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Go home and change. Please. You look ridiculous.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You studied really hard for tomorrow's test, didn't you? Well, the stars are telling me you're going to fail.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): An opportunity to become really popular just came your way. Never mind. It's gone now.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): High school doesn't last forever. Except it will for you. That sucks.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): People love you. You're perfect. Oh wait, this was actually intended for the Capricorns. Sorry!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I'm done with you. You're hopeless.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You know that reoccurring dream you have where you come to school and discover you're naked? Well, it's not a dream. Look down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): See Libra.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Don't kid yourself. You're not going to get a date to prom.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): I know what you did last summer. Just kidding! But if that statement scared you, perhaps you should speak to one of the school counselors. Or Officer Dave...

What sign are you?

69 comments:

YUI said...

great post!
visit my blog if you like!! :)

http://strawberryjam-yui.blogspot.com

Imogen said...

I am a Pisces! Your horoscopes are entertaining I actually like them more than the typical goody goody ones you see in the magazines. I love reading old things that I did in high school. I can understand why you wrote these types of horoscopes you are so talented you should have been able to move onto features straight away.

Josie said...

These are HYSTERICAL, Jen! I'm a Taurus... Not terribly uplifting but definitely entertaining, haha.
xo Josie
http://winksmilestyle.blogspot.com

Elegantesque said...

Great post !!! so funny
I'm a leo

kisses
hannah
http://elegantesque.blogspot.com

btw, wanna follow each other ?

Vintage Vixen said...

Ha! Brilliant! I'm a sagittarius. xxx

Jasmin said...

haha these are really fun! x

Vivi Díaz said...

Great post Jen! We don't have High School newspapers in Spain :( nor Prom, nor cheerleaders... your schools are funnier! :)

xxx

http://myheartandmindonline.blogspot.com/

Leia said...

You were just as witty and fabulous in high school as you are now??? I'm jealous! I think mean horoscopes is a hilarious concept!

I'm a Leo ;)

Leia

Kristen Leotsakou said...

omg this was the best horoscope ive read in my life... seriously! <3 (libra) lol

Leia said...

You were just as witty and fabulous in high school as you are now??? I'm jealous! I think mean horoscopes is a hilarious concept!

I'm a Leo ;)

Leia

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Hilarious! "Go home and change. You look ridiculous!"

I have a giveaway for anything from J.E.M. Apparel. Enter if you'd like!

xoxo,
Chic 'n Cheap Living

Aphrodite said...

oh i did have flu!!!!!!!!!!!

http://aphroditeslair9999.blogspot.com/

mariahsmile said...

hahahaha that is pretty hilarious!

The Shanner of Attention said...

hahahahaha - that's talent, my dear.

Robin said...

These are fantastic! I'm weird- I totally would have turned down features to keep writing these. Especially if I was as good as you at it!

StyleID said...

Hahaha. This post is great!!
For some reason we do like being told our life is nasty and horrible when we are in High School. Its sick :)

http://styleidnet.blogspot.com/
http://www.filomenascloset.com/

daisychain said...

these really cracked me up

a woman's right to shoes said...

Haha, I love them! I can totally understand why it was a hit. But I can also understand that you wanted to write feature stories. That's what I would have wanted too, and that's what I want to write now.

Tanvi said...

Hahahahha!!! You are the BEST Jennifer :)

I am a Piscean :)

from © tanvii.com

Couture Carrie said...

Awesome!
You are hysterical!
Talk about turning lemons into lemonade!!
I'm a Scorpio :)

xoxox,
CC

JUST ME said...

Those are really funny, girl!

Daily Horoscopes are basically made up bullshit anyway...why not have some fun with them??

Renée said...

haha this is amazing! So funny!!

Kristin said...

I'm a Sag. Guess that means I'm nudey today. HAHAHA

FashionJazz said...

Always love your writing hun :) Have a lovely wk xxx

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Genius! Wow, you had great chops for witty writing even in high school.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tights Lover said...

Virgo! And there were certainly times where I would've believed that horoscope to be true. Gladly, I was out of there in 4 years (barely).

I absolutely love these. I think I've just gotten a few funny looks for laughing by myself at my desk...oh well.

I think Sagittarius and Scorpio were my favorite. But I loved them all.

...except for Virgo. That was mean, and uncalled for...and only partially true.

Damsels said...

lol . im a big fan of horoscopes and astrology in general so i laughed at how you mentioned it was the worst part of the newspaper.

ithink your horoscopes are funny. they remind me of the horoscopes in this magazine called L magazine. i was reading it on the train its based in gentrified brookyln.

Pop Champagne said...

I'm guessing you're a capicorn? hahaa

I've read horrscopes like that previouslly, it is funny, you and your friends all have a laugh and it's just a good time

Savvy Gal said...

I like it.

Giselle said...

Too funny, I'm a Cancer so the studying for the test was right on ;)
~Giselle
http://www.machinewashwarm.blogspot.com

BlueVanilla said...

LOL your hilarious...laughing slyly at others due to internal hate...awesome. I agree why arent we best friends?! lol
xx

Kavery said...

Priceless! I'm a Piscean and I'm already scared of Officer Dave!

the queen said...

How fun! great job at making lemonade out of lemons!!!

L.Voss said...

WHAT NO DATE TO THE PROM!! the hell with you lady! lololol

Tabatha said...

Hiya :-)
I don't have much time to check out my favourite blogs as often as I'd want to!
I hope you'll be able to get a new laptop asap. I know how much computer prob suck, I really do *ugh*
*gg* You mean horoscopes are fun to read :-D I'm a Taurus & now you crushed all my dreams *sobs desperately into handkerchief* :-D
Wishing you a great rest of the week xoxo

Fati said...

hahaha. no wonder these were popular, they're hilarious! proves you're just a naturally gifted writer :)

David L Macaulay said...

ha - these are funny J. This idea might just catch on.

yiqin; said...

I never really believed in horoscopes..

Nicole✗✗ said...

Oh my goodness!! I love this. Way too funny. I am a Cancer and if I got that horoscope I would have stupidly gotten all paranoid. haha!! I wish we had some horoscopes like that at my school paper instead of the same ol' boring predictions.

Lucie said...

Thankyou for such a sweet comment - your a gem!

Im a capricorn and hate it (being born in january and all, is there a WORSE month to be born?). I do love horoscopes and always flick straight to the back of magazines to read mine, but always find them either inaccurate or written so they can be related to the entire world, haha - very clever!

x

Cafe Fashionista said...

Okay Jennifer Fabulous...please, please, please tell me you plan on digging out the rest of those high school newspapers and publishing each and every horoscope in a book because I AM IN LOVE!

By the way, I'm a Sagittarius!! :)

H Rija said...

Love this post & I am Scorpio!

My Lyfe ; My Story

Bonnie said...

HOLY SHIT.
This is my favorite thing EVER.
No wonder we are best friends.

P.S. I'm a Scorpio. Fuck you.

P.P.S. I love you more than life. <3

http://glamkittenslitterbox.blogspot.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Oh to Be a Muse said...

i would be so pissed if i was only allowed to write the horoscopes for my school paper. but it seems like you did a great job with them jen! i am a pisces and i seriously can't even remember what i did last summer...hopefully it was something good...and fashionable :)

Missy said...

he he funny!

Missy
Enter my Exclusive Mint Velvet £50 giveaway!
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Amy said...

Is it bad that those horoscopes TOTALLY put a smile on my face?! HAHA Love them!

xoxo
Amy

MG said...

apparently i need to go change. seriously - watch your step or i'll write about you. this is a hilarious idea...you should do these (again)!

Morgan said...

Haha these are hilarious!

Meet Virginia Design

Judith, said...

good job! i am proud of you :) x

Venus In Virgo said...

Awesome! I love that granny photo! You probably know by now about my astrology studies over the years and believe it or not I have a volume in my astro library that it dedicated to ugly truths about your horoscope called Horror-Scopes, ha! I should type some of it up for you. XOXO

My Republic of Fashion said...

This is amazing!!!!! I am SO glad you posted these horoscopes. They put mine to shame.....

They are so witty and mean. I want more! No wonder everyone loved them in your school.

I am Scorpio. Hopeless. So true!!! Hahahaha :) SArahD x

oystergirl said...

high school me would've enjoyed these!!

Jennifer said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Another reason why I love you! I'm a Pisces and I loved my horroscope -- i loved all of them!

you've got a gift =)

xoXOxo
Jenn @ Peas & Crayons

Stephanie said...

You made me laugh out loud with this one! My favourite: Leo. I guess this post is proof that you've been funny most of your life! Would I be wrong if I guessed you were a Capricorn?

Any Brasil said...

hi, participates in the competition look better with jeans.
I hope you send your photo to e-mail: yourtrendluxo@gmail.com
kisses
trendluxo.blogspot.com

Dina's Days said...

Genius!!! I'm a Libra! ahahahah

Alicia said...

I love that you took lemons and made lemonade and vodka.

Katie said...

Those are hilarious!

Twenty.Something said...

Love this! Those are hysterical... I wish we had them in our high school paper.
I'm a stubborn Virgo :)

btd. said...

I'm a Leo... Ahhahahaha, This is so great! It's so hilarious. I read all of em. Even back then you were fabulous!

Sisters and Sisters said...

Love this pictures; they are great!

XoXo
H&C from Amsterdam
www.sistersandsisters.com

Rachel said...

Hahahahaha! Love these! I'm a Virgo, by the way. Glad high school did actually end for me though! :P

Christopher said...

Ha, that was awesome! And not just because you said I'm perfect and everyone loves me.

I may steal this idea in the future but I'll probably call it something like failed fortune cookies so you won't sue me.

Natassja said...

Hilarious! I actually laughed out loud...ahhh high school.

Samantha said...

LOL. I did horoscopes for my high school newspaper too! And with the same style!

-Samantha

http://thisfashionista.blogspot.com

Heather Taylor said...

Hehe, these remind me of the horoscopes for The Onion :)

Missy said...

fab! thanks for sharing x

Missy
Blending Style, Celebs and Fashion
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Mr Mopi said...

Hi

>>> Since sharing this with you the other day, something strange has come to my attention...

It seems that many people believe that their fate is carved in stone... that no matter what they do, their destination in life is pre-set so they might as well just sit back and witness the ride...

Well, that is a bunch of baloney!

>>> And I think you’ll agree when you see your personalized Numerology Reading.

I was iffy about it at first too. But then I realized that Numerology is really just a roadmap that shows you how to reach your ideal life.

It shows you where to turn and where the potholes are far before you reach them. All you need to do is consciously and intentionally set your internal GPS in the right direction and avoid any obstacles that pop up along the way.

So, while your numbers most definitely influence your fate, YOU are ultimately the one with the hands on the steering wheel and in control of your destiny.

The team over at Numerologist.com is on stanby waiitng for your details so they can generate your 100% personalized (and complimentary) Numerology Reading.

All they need is your name and date of birth and you’ll have your own customized “roadmap” in minutes.

>>> Get it here.

[SIGN OFF]

P.S. And remember to keep an open mind! Your Numerology Reading is bound to reveal some pretty intimate details about your life and may expose a raw nerve or two. But I promise, after you get your reading, you’ll wish you received this information YEARS ago.

>>> Get your free Numerology Reading here.