Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Anxiety about my anxiety...

I never planned on having children.

It was not something I desired. I'm not a kid person. I don't dislike children. I'm just not a kid person. A year ago, the thought of holding a baby made me balk. Whenever there are children in the room, I'm polite to them and I think they're super cute, but I don't really interact with them unless necessary.

That's just me.

Last year, my dad spooked me by telling me he thought birth control pills cause breast cancer. He's in the cancer field and he had studies and his own speculation to back it up. I freaked out.

That same week, I underwent a scan at the doctor's office which revealed my body probably didn't want kids either. My doctor told me that my chances of conceiving a child naturally were slim to none. She told me when I decided to start a family one day, I needed to make an appointment with her to discuss my options. I wasn't upset. I just shrugged and said "okay" and went on with my life.

Less than a year later, Neill arrived.

I love Neill. He's a part of me. I can't imagine life without him. I went from being completely clueless about babies to kind of knowing what I'm doing. That's a big step for me. I'm also looking forward to when he's a kid. Because even though I'm not a kid person, I'm a Neill person. I can't wait to learn more about him. Discover his interests. See his personality. Play with him.

He's my favorite person in the world and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be his mom.

Sometimes I feel guilty though. One of the main reasons I never desired children in the past is because I didn't think it was fair to bring more people into this world. There are already too many people. There is so much unhappiness. There is violence everywhere. People starving.

And don't even get me started on the war against the LGBT community taking place right now. I don't know if Neill is gay. If he is, obviously that's fine with me and Rian. But it would break my heart for him to experience hatred and discrimination and ignorance just for being who he is. Will acceptance be better by the time Neill is an adult? I don't know.

I have so many anxieties for Neill. I worry about bullies. I worry about injuries. I worry about everything that is going to happen and everything that probably won't.

People tell me I should live in the moment, enjoy Neill while he's a sweet little bundle of joy. They tell me I shouldn't worry so much about the future, because that just eats up precious brain matter.

It's not that easy. I can't just turn off my fears. I can't switch off the guilt.

I honestly don't think the anxiety is ever going to go away. Like, I really think I'm still going to feel overprotective about Neill when he's a middle-aged man.

I guess this is motherhood?


The Grande Dame said...

I like your honesty and this is probably how a lot of mothers feel. Not being one I can't say for sure. But I'm sure you'll be perfectly ok. And so will Neill. xx

Cinderella said...

This totally is motherhood. My son's arrival was such a huge surprie for all of us, heck we'd just got married. I used to think before I'll have a kid only when I have a big house and a big car and big bank balance and all of that got thwarted out bcz Mr. Vivs decided he didnt wan to wait for al of that. Its such a challenge but its the best thing that can ever happen. You're gonna love it. :)

Sierra said...

I think the fact that you are worried about your little boy makes you an incredible mom. Yes, there will always be horrible things in the world, but you'll be there to help him through it.

Shybiker said...

I admire your candor. I'm also anxious and am that way whether there's anything to worry about or not. We are who we are.

Enjoy your unexpected parenthood. Savor the good parts of it.

Imogen said...

OMG WOW YOU ARE BACK. I've just had the worst day and this has made my day. It's just like the good old times reading your blog. I have been so happy to see the pictures of Neill on your facebook and having such a similar name I feel a special connection to you and him. I feel similar to you about kids, I am not even certain on having them. For me that is because I feel so depressed all the time that I couldn't bear to bring someone into the world. For you I know you will be the best mum ever. You have so much love for him and it is great that you're so concerned about him, it means you care. I look forward to your future posts.

Tights Lover said...

Congrats on Neill!!!

Kids freak me out, too. There's so much to worry about, like you said. Sometimes I don't know how parents do it.

That said, I know you'll be a great mom. You're smart, caring, and selfless. I'm sure you'll be better than 99% of the moms out there. Neill couldn't have asked for more :).

Barry said...

I'm not a parent but my thoughts are that you don't need to have it all figured out, or feel like you have it all together. If there's anything our friendship has shown me it's that you're a very loving and caring person, which is why I think you'll be a great mom!

Tanvi Rastogi said...

I love your honesty! (:

∞ ∞

little luxury list said...

Motherhood is completely the state of worrying about someone else for his entire life. Like you said, we figure it out along the way and keep getting better! I wasn't always sure I wanted to be a mom either, but it is really a miracle to witness a life you created right? I can't wait to see my little one grow up too!

little luxury list formerly Chic 'n Cheap Living

jecicadress said...

like you blog!

Suat Yüksek said...

Public Relation

Missy said...

Oh I love this! I've really missed your blog whilst I've been away!
Missy x

Gabriela Hermida said...

So you will not be famous... Like ever.... Neill just ruined everything you planned? (In a good way)

Anonymous said...

Have the best and professional Banglore escort service in Banglore. Bangalore Escorts Call Miss Tripti Ahuja 8123770473

Bangalore Escorts
call girls in bangalore
bangalore call girls
call girls bangalore
escorts in bangalore
call girl in bangalore
call girls in banglore
bangalore call girl
call girl bangalore
Bangalore Escorts

Anonymous said...

Have the best and professional Banglore escort service in Banglore.Banglore Escorts online.

Bangalore Escorts
call girls in bangalore
bangalore call girls
call girls bangalore
escorts in bangalore
call girl in bangalore
call girls in banglore
bangalore call girl
call girl bangalore
Bangalore Escorts

Bangalore Escorts said...

Bangalore Escorts

Bangalore Escorts Service

Independent Bangalore Escorts

Bangalore Escorts Agency

Escorts in Bangalore

Bangalore Escorts

Ileana D'cruz said...

There are types of Escorts in Doha

for distinct sort of tastes but what human beings like to pick out is incredible splendor For booking and details call warm and sexy girls in Doha Escorts are those airy babes to satisfy all of your needs with their beauty. We recognize some of you need to suck the milky boobs of Housewives or perhaps there are a few humans search for raunchy sex.first-rate women in Doha here to make it slow very interesting, seductive and full of intimacy

Soniya Sharma said...

Delhi Escorts
Escort in Gurgaon
Escorts in Gurgaon
Female Escorts in Bangalore

Priya Priya said...

Escorts Services in Mumbai welcomes you all. Myself Priya Sharma, 23 years old Female Escorts working for
Escorts service in Mumbai. I have much experienced and I know each and everything that how to satisfy. Mumbai Escorts

Female Escorts in Mumbai

Mumbai Escorts Services

Escorts in Mumbai

Call Girls in Mumbai

Independent Escort Service in Mumbai

sachi sharma said...

Delhi can turn your whole harsh life to stunning rush. 5 Star inns, Pubs, Night clubs and so forth make this city alive unequaled. In this manner, Delhi Desires brings polite agreeable Delhi escorts for you. There are young ladies in the heaven of Delhi shakes your night to perpetual erotic nature
Delhi Escorts
Delhi Escort
Escort Service in Delhi
Escorts Service in Delhi
Escorts in Delhi
Escort in Delhi
Delhi Escort Service
Delhi Escorts Service
Delhi Escorts

sachi sharma said...

sachi is here the best modal and unmatched character of Delhi. I am working as Best Delhi Escorts. I always give my reactions on social media. I always read and learn those blogs which are really informational. I would like to say that your every post is enlightening. I love to read that. Thank you for giving. For more information, you can also visit my site.
Delhi Escorts
Delhi Escort
Escort Service in Delhi
Escorts Service in Delhi
Escorts in Delhi
Escort in Delhi
Delhi Escort Service
Delhi Escorts Service
Delhi Escorts

Simran Sharma said...

I like the above shared article very much as it shares good information for us. Waiting for something new like this from your side.

women seeking in bangalore

bangalore call girls

bangalore russian escorts

bangalore escorts
bangalore escort

bangalore escort

bangalore escorts

bangalore escorts

call girl in gurgaon said...

I have a great idea about the blog that I am thankful to the blog for you. Escort Service In Gurgaon

nirmala ashwin said...

This post is very good for us. It has got a lot of benefit from us.I hope that you will be writing this post again My Porn Site

kunal kapoor said...

Delhi Girls

Suman Arora said...

Whatever information you put on your site, the user is very much benefited by this, I give you a lot of money. Delhi Girls

pius saket said...

Your site is so good I love it very much I highly appreciate your site for thisCall Girls Price List

Aliya Verma said...

fair prices of independent escorts in mumbai
independent escorts in mumbai

bolavita kari said...

segera bergabung di agen sabung ayam

Unknown said...

Hello I am Reema Jain from Mumbai city. Good looking and fabulous girl in city. Contact me Mumbai Escorts Agency | Independent Mumbai Escorts

call girl in gurgaon said...

Call Girls In Gurgaon,Most of the individuals in Escorts Service In Gurgaon, Hotel Service work and spend more time 24Hrs Female Services.
Gurgaon Female Escort

Bakar Ayam Marketing said...




Soniya Sharma said...

I went to Delhi for some business purposes. there I hired an escort for sensual pleasure. she was so experienced and satisfied me physically as well as mentally. I was really so amazed by the services provided by her. really I enjoyed a lot. Delhi Escorts Service is the best Service provider in Delhi. you can make all your dream true with Most Famous Models in Delhi.
Most Beautiful Escorts in Delhi

priyansi said...

They are the best in the figure, boys can not control themselves after meeting our Mumbai Escorts girls. Even the other girls want to spend some time with our escorts girls. Every escort girl of our have their own speciality it means we have varieties, whatever your wish for,we can full fill with best escort matching to your requirement.
Escorts Service in Mumbai
Mumbai Escorts
Female Escorts in Mumbai
Escorts in Mumbai

Ruhii Sharma said...

We have the sexiest girls who are very curvy in the figure and they know how to treat clients and what to do for them to satisfy. We have all types of girls whether you want to model, teenager, college student, housewife, or Miss Perfectionist.
Escorts Service in Mumbai
Mumbai Escorts
Female Escorts in Mumbai
Escorts in Mumbai

Miss Chahat said...

Find the top level escorts from different status of society. Fulfill your lust and enjoy great pleasure. Call 8126059682 or log on to

Aerocity Escort Delhi|
Escort Service in 5 Star Hotel Delhi |
Bachelor Party Girls in Delhi |
Escorts jobs in Delhi

Sonal Sahni said...

Quality minutes that you can go through with progressive Call Girls in udaipur escorts are stunning. These delights are notable for serving their one of a kind camaraderie and prepared to offer you their 100% tasteful service. Contract the incredible udaipur escorts and have intercourse with them more than ever. The glow of their body will stimulate your sexy wants and offer your sensual sentiments.

independent udaipur escorts
escorts in udaipur
escorts service in udaipur
udaipur independent escorts
independent escorts in udaipur
udaipur call girls
call girls in udaipur
independent call girls service in udaipur
udaipur female escorts
udaipur model escorts
escorts udaipur
Russian escorts in udaipur
Russian udaipur escorts
Female Escorts in Udaipur
Escorts Agency in Udaipur

Amany Said said...

تعمل شركة اللمسه في مكافحة الحشرات مثل النمل والصراصير وجميع انواع الحشرات بأبها الان ، وتعتبر شركة اللمسه من اشهر شركات مكافحة الحشرات في السعودية , لدينا عمالة مدربة ومتخصصة المواد المستخدمة فى مكافحة الحشرات غير ضارة على الانسان وليس لها روائح نعمل بدون مغادرة المنزل نعمل على راحة عملائنا .
شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بنجران
شركة رش مبيدات بالخرج
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالخرج
شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بالخرج
شركة رش مبيدات بأبها
شركة مكافحة حشرات بأبها
شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بأبها
شركة رش مبيدات بنجران
شركة مكافحة حشرات بنجران
شركة رش مبيدات بالعينه

Amany Said said...

هل تبحث عن شركة متخصصة فى خدمات التنظيف بالطائف بافضل المعدات والسوائل وثقة تمة فى العمل ودقة فى النتائج كل هذه المميزت توفرها شركة الخليج الشركة الافضل والامثل فى الخدمات المنزلية بالطائف وبما اننا الشركة الافضل والامثل بدون منافس سوف نسعى لتوفر افضل الخدمات باقل تكلفة وبقدر كبير من الاهتمام والدقة عزيزى اينما كنت فى اى منطقة ا وحى تابع لمدينة الطائف اتصل بنا وسوف نصلك فى الحال شركة الخليج للخدمات المنزلية شركة تنظيف منازل بالطائف
شركة تنظيف فلل بالطائف
شركة تنظيف خزانات بالطائف
شركة تسليك مجارى بالطائف
شركة رش مبيدات بالطائف
شركة مكافحة نمل ابيض بالطائف
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالطائف
شركة عزل اسطح بالطائف
شركة عزل خزانات بالطائف

Jasleen Matharu said...

If you are in Jaipur and need beautiful Jaipur Call Girls or white skin Jaipur Call Girls then you can simply book call girls in Jaipur from one of the best escort agency named Jaipur Call Girls. It is No.1 premier escort agency and provide both incall or outcall facility to clients.Please click on the following link to check the official websites Jaipur Call Girls

Naincy Kumari said...

Mumbai escorts
kolkata escorts
Noida escorts
Puri escorts
cuttack escorts
bhubaneswar escorts

Call girls in Mumbai
Call girls in kolkata
Call girls in Noida
Call girls in Puri
Call girls in cuttack
Call girls in bhubaneswar

Mumbai call girls
kolkata call girls
Noida call girls
Puri call girls
cuttack call girls
bhubaneswar call girls

Puja Kumari said...

Call Girls in Kolkata
Call Girls in Mumbai
Call Girls in Lucknow
Call Girls in Gurgaon
Call Girls in Bangalore
Call Girls in Guwahati
Escorts in Kolkata
Escorts in Mumbai
Escorts in Lucknow
Escorts in Gurgaon
Escorts in Bangalore
Escorts in Guwahati
Escort services
Escort services in Kolkata
Escort services in Mumbai
Escort services in Lucknow
Escort services in Gurgaon
Escort services in Bangalore
Escort services in Guwahati
Escort service
Escort Service in Kolkata
Escort Service in Mumbai
Escort Service in Lucknow
Escort Service in Gurgaon
Escort Service in Bangalore
Escort Service in Guwahati

Sharon Wood said...

Norton Customer Service Number

wabstalk said...

best english speaking institute in delhi
english speaking course near me
english speaking course in delhi
spoken english institute in delhi
english speaking institute in delhi
best english speaking course in delhi
best institute for english speaking in delhi

Wilda Jones said...

Avast Contact Number
McAfee Contact Number
Apple Support Number
iTunes Contact Number

Sharon Wood said...

Norton Customer Service phone number

กวิน ฮา said...

slot online
casino online

Delhi Dating said...

So yours missions end by at that point, since we are here to give you High profile Escort in Delhi Our women are calm and high-hugeness that is ideal for the ones the general population who are chasing down a sagacious fitting and indisputable escort lady in Delhi . Call Girl in Delhi are stunning, hustling, Delhi Escort Service said...


Iti Acharya said...

She is also a versatile theatre actress. Her movies range from realistic stories to comedies dramas. Her presence on screen leaves audience delighted.

Iti Acharya

Rajan VBlog said...

Archana The best Call Girl said...

Hi Guys! This is me: Archana kumari and I'm once more present with the latest information in connection with your deep interest in call girls. As always I've brought new team of teenager call girls ready to satiate your hunger of female companionship. Just click the links for guidance.

bengali call girls in kolkata
high profile escorts in kolkata
housewife escorts in kolkata

college escorts in mumbai
mumbai model escorts
Juhu Escorts

Kolkata Air Port Call girls
Call Girls in Air Port Kolkata
Air Port Kolkata Escorts