Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Anxiety about my anxiety...

I never planned on having children.

It was not something I desired. I'm not a kid person. I don't dislike children. I'm just not a kid person. A year ago, the thought of holding a baby made me balk. Whenever there are children in the room, I'm polite to them and I think they're super cute, but I don't really interact with them unless necessary.

That's just me.

Last year, my dad spooked me by telling me he thought birth control pills cause breast cancer. He's in the cancer field and he had studies and his own speculation to back it up. I freaked out.

That same week, I underwent a scan at the doctor's office which revealed my body probably didn't want kids either. My doctor told me that my chances of conceiving a child naturally were slim to none. She told me when I decided to start a family one day, I needed to make an appointment with her to discuss my options. I wasn't upset. I just shrugged and said "okay" and went on with my life.

Less than a year later, Neill arrived.

I love Neill. He's a part of me. I can't imagine life without him. I went from being completely clueless about babies to kind of knowing what I'm doing. That's a big step for me. I'm also looking forward to when he's a kid. Because even though I'm not a kid person, I'm a Neill person. I can't wait to learn more about him. Discover his interests. See his personality. Play with him.

He's my favorite person in the world and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be his mom.

Sometimes I feel guilty though. One of the main reasons I never desired children in the past is because I didn't think it was fair to bring more people into this world. There are already too many people. There is so much unhappiness. There is violence everywhere. People starving.

And don't even get me started on the war against the LGBT community taking place right now. I don't know if Neill is gay. If he is, obviously that's fine with me and Rian. But it would break my heart for him to experience hatred and discrimination and ignorance just for being who he is. Will acceptance be better by the time Neill is an adult? I don't know.

I have so many anxieties for Neill. I worry about bullies. I worry about injuries. I worry about everything that is going to happen and everything that probably won't.

People tell me I should live in the moment, enjoy Neill while he's a sweet little bundle of joy. They tell me I shouldn't worry so much about the future, because that just eats up precious brain matter.

It's not that easy. I can't just turn off my fears. I can't switch off the guilt.

I honestly don't think the anxiety is ever going to go away. Like, I really think I'm still going to feel overprotective about Neill when he's a middle-aged man.

I guess this is motherhood?

52 comments:

The Grande Dame said...

I like your honesty and this is probably how a lot of mothers feel. Not being one I can't say for sure. But I'm sure you'll be perfectly ok. And so will Neill. xx

Cinderella said...

This totally is motherhood. My son's arrival was such a huge surprie for all of us, heck we'd just got married. I used to think before I'll have a kid only when I have a big house and a big car and big bank balance and all of that got thwarted out bcz Mr. Vivs decided he didnt wan to wait for al of that. Its such a challenge but its the best thing that can ever happen. You're gonna love it. :)

Sierra said...

I think the fact that you are worried about your little boy makes you an incredible mom. Yes, there will always be horrible things in the world, but you'll be there to help him through it.

Shybiker said...

I admire your candor. I'm also anxious and am that way whether there's anything to worry about or not. We are who we are.

Enjoy your unexpected parenthood. Savor the good parts of it.

Imogen said...

OMG WOW YOU ARE BACK. I've just had the worst day and this has made my day. It's just like the good old times reading your blog. I have been so happy to see the pictures of Neill on your facebook and having such a similar name I feel a special connection to you and him. I feel similar to you about kids, I am not even certain on having them. For me that is because I feel so depressed all the time that I couldn't bear to bring someone into the world. For you I know you will be the best mum ever. You have so much love for him and it is great that you're so concerned about him, it means you care. I look forward to your future posts.

Tights Lover said...

Congrats on Neill!!!

Kids freak me out, too. There's so much to worry about, like you said. Sometimes I don't know how parents do it.

That said, I know you'll be a great mom. You're smart, caring, and selfless. I'm sure you'll be better than 99% of the moms out there. Neill couldn't have asked for more :).

Barry said...

I'm not a parent but my thoughts are that you don't need to have it all figured out, or feel like you have it all together. If there's anything our friendship has shown me it's that you're a very loving and caring person, which is why I think you'll be a great mom!

Tanvi Rastogi said...

I love your honesty! (:

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little luxury list said...

Motherhood is completely the state of worrying about someone else for his entire life. Like you said, we figure it out along the way and keep getting better! I wasn't always sure I wanted to be a mom either, but it is really a miracle to witness a life you created right? I can't wait to see my little one grow up too!

xoxo,
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Missy said...

Oh I love this! I've really missed your blog whilst I've been away!
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Gabriela Hermida said...

So you will not be famous... Like ever.... Neill just ruined everything you planned? (In a good way)

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