Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Blog, interrupted.

I know I'm going to regret this later, but I really feel like this is necessary.

I need to vent.

If you have been following my blog long enough, you already know what a terrible year it has been for me so far. I was laid off from my job in January, lost a friend to suicide, and now am quickly running out of funds as I struggle to find a new job. Oh, and my laptop and my phone broke twice in the last month.

I always wondered how many more punches I could take from life before I finally unraveled. Now I know.

For the past three weeks I have been incredibly sick. I caught a coughing illness from my parents. They had it for a month before getting over it. Mine seems to be getting worst. I wake up in the middle of the night coughing so deeply it hurts and choking on air. It's almost like I have so much oxygen in me, I'm suffocating on it. I have no voice. I'm going to have to see a doctor all over again, which I can barely afford right now.

I would be able to handle that if it were not for another major blow in my life.

My relationship is hanging by a thread right now.

If this thread breaks, I will have to move back home to another similar situation.

Its funny how girls end up dating guys who are exactly like their fathers.

What's even worse is that I truly don't feel like I have that many people to turn to right now.

I can call my friends and they would sympathize, of course. But that's all they can do.

Nobody can save me. Nobody can pick me up and carry me away and make everything feel better. I have to do that myself, I guess.

But I'm exhausted. And I'm sad. And it would be so nice to fall asleep and never wake up. But don't worry, I'm not going to do that. I love my mom too much to do something so stupid.

I'm just here. Wishing I could be somewhere else. Waiting for something happy to happen before I break apart...

58 comments:

Liv said...

This really breaks my heart. You remind me a lot of my best friend (which is the greatest of compliments as she is truly the most passionate and creative person I know). Life just keeps kicking her and kicking her and I just can't believe how much she's had to deal with in her life. And I hate there's not all that much I can do about it. Vent all you need to, your readers will still be here!

Leah said...

This is just too heartbreaking... but I'm glad you have acknowledged that only you can make things right. Think hard Jen... you don't deserve this. If you ask me, get out of that relationship... and do it now. It doesn't matter if you love him. Love yourself first. Treat yourself right.

Big hugs!

Vintage Vixen said...

You've really moved me with your post, truly spoken from the heart.
A few years ago I used to wake up and be disppointed that I'd lived through the night. Things have now moved on and I can honestly say I'm glad I'm still here.
Your friends are doing the right thing, you know this, only you can make the decision to walk away. You deserve better.
We cannot steer you in the right direction but we are hear to listen while you vent your anger and frustration.
Vix
xxx

Rachel said...

This post is really heartbreaking to read. You have been through so much lately. I wish that I could help, that all of us could help you. But as you said, you are the only one who can make things right. You need to think positive and think about the good things in your life. Honestly, I think it is so important for you to get rid of all the negative things surrounding you. They are only holding you back and making you feel worse.

I really agree with Leah... You need to end the relationship. I know it would be an incredibly hard thing to do. You're in love. But the relationship does not seem to be doing you any good right now. I hate to say it, but it's not. You need to figure things out in your life. You need to make yourself happy and love yourself. That's what is important right now.

*hugs* <3

The Trendy Fashionista said...

Oh Jen, I feel terribly sorry for you. You deserve a lot more!!! I hope everything will be okay soon. All of my best wishes.

-The Trendy Fashionista
http://thetrendyfashionista.blogspot.com

Hope Chella said...

I'm sending you good karma!!!! When it rains it pours :( Stay strong xoxo

http://hopechella.blogspot.com/

Josie said...

Dear Jen. This was absolutely heartbreaking. I haven't been reading your blog for all that long, but it is so upsetting to read this -- you are clearly a beautiful, intelligent individual. I very much hope that you can find the strength to put yourself first and figure out what is best for you -- it's certainly not my job to tell you, and I have confidence that you will decide what you need to do and do it.
Best wishes and remember -- we're not going anywhere.
xxoo Josie
http://winksmilestyle.blogspot.com

lauren lanza osias said...

life really is bitch, but you just have to know that all of these things that keep breaking down on you are for a reason...i know that sounds like utter bullshit, but i swear i have seen it happen too many times not to believe it.

and like everyone is saying, loser boyfriend needs to go. you are jennifer fabulous dammit! don't let a boy make your life any harder...he calls you names, oh nooooo nooonnooonooo!! and cheating, no way. at this point you need to love yourself more than you love anyone and really look at what is healthy for you. you need to remember how strong and wonderful you are!

Talk Pretty To Me said...

HEY LADY!
I've been in this place many times, but I have found that rock bottom is good solid ground! I've also found that being single is better than being in a miserable relationship. Of course it seems dire now, but you are never given more than you can handle. This will make you better, take it and run with it. Its never to late to start again, each day holds something new, you just have be willing to find it and accept it. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it. All I can say is don't settle for someone who is less than you deserve, love is easy, its everything else thats hard.

xoxo
J

www.talkprettytome.blogspot.com

This is Jade FM said...

I have been following your blog just for a while but i'm really sorry for your situation.. it's really sad. no one can say another adjective.. i hope that you'll find a job very soon and that things will get a lot better.. as we say in italy: It can't rain forever!!
I also wish u to get better :)
xoxo Jade

daisychain said...

Oh how I wish I had some words for you darling,
just know I care and you are in my thoughts and my inbox is open should you need a listening ear.

Inspiration in Italy said...

Jennifer I am so sorry for all that you are going through! I am so saddened by all that you have had to deal with and continue to deal with in your life. You are the sweetest most talented girl and you deserve so much more out of life! I know it may sound cheesy but seriously the hardships in life really do make us stronger! When we achieve something great in life, the longer it takes and the more struggles often make it that much sweeter. Yet it is so hard to hear that right now I know. You are so beautiful and strong, I know you are going to make it through. I don't want to give you advice on your relationship but I do know that I could not deal with the cheating....I think that might just lead you down a long path of worse hardships... but it's so difficult to actually break it off, especially with the feelings that you have.

Jennifer you are beautiful and incredible. I will keep you in my prayers and I am confident that you will make it through the terrible days, and something incredible is in store for you.

Lovexx
Rachel

Amy said...

I just want to give you a BIG *HUG* and tell you that everything is going to be ok...that I know it is scary to make a decision like leaving, but you have to. You deserve so much better!

Keeping you in my prayers that you will find the strength you need to get through this.

Love u!

Inspiration in Italy said...

PS. I wish I could take you away from all of your hardships. If I had a company I would employ you right now because you are so talented and we could be a team! ;) maybe someday...xo

perfectionishuman said...

So sorry to hear about your friend and everything else. Reach out to your friends, sometimes a bit of sympathy is all you need to kickstart your system.
..You have to be change that you want to see.. shitty things happen.. it's just awful that you're being hit with it one after another but you don't need to wait for anyone to save you..Take your time, clear your head and the make the changes that you know you need to make! Good luck, and I honestly do mean that! xx

JUST ME said...

Girl, life isn't being fair to you right now, but you know how YOU can be fair to you right now? Leave this dude. At least until he can figure his shit out. It sounds like you know you should, and even though you may have to move back home...you'll be taking back some personal power and telling a bad egg to get out of your life until he's a good egg again.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. It's grossly hard. But remember that your personal power is always within your reach. If a man isn't treating you right, there's no need to kick him out of your life forever, but kick him out until he realizes who he is.

Okay. Soapbox done.

Stay strong, loves.

Missy said...

ah sweetie i feel so sad for you. It sounds alot like my first relationship which was very abusive (to be honest he nearly killed me). there's lots of support out there. If you need to talk just email me x

Missy
For everything about fashion:
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Jaime said...

Hang in there! I am sorry to hear of just one more thing for you to deal with... perhaps it's time to do something for YOU.

Amelia is... said...

I know exactly what you mean, I am in the same place of you if not a slightly different situation. The hardest part is that you have to deal with it yourself. Like you said, everyone else can sympathise and talk to you about it but they can't change anything. I am waiting for someone to come along and save me too, but I don't see it happening.

www.ameliais.blogspot.com

Mouthwash said...

Oh Jennifer...
It doesn't have to be like this.
Hold on, I'm sending you an e-mail.

English Rose ♥ said...

Oh darling, my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces for you =[

Trust me when I say that I know what it's like to need to fight and find strength more than ever before but be so drained both physically and mentally that you just don't have it in you, you're simply not strong enough. Don't give up though, just fight and be as strong as you can and things will start to look up and get better I promise. Day by Day you will get your strength back.

I know it's not the same as a physical friend but I will be here for you any way I can, don't hesitate if I can do anything to help you.

Basically echoing what so many people have said but you are so beautiful and wonderful and talented and have so much to offer the world that you deserve only the very best in every area of your life and shouldn't settle or accept anything less.

I know so much crap has happened that was so unfair and that you didn't deserve but couldn't control for, start with the crappy things in your life that you can control such as how people treat you and what you are willing to accept. I know it's hard but you need to love and respect yourself more than anyone in the world, because you are so worth it darling and you deserve so so much better xx

nuvonova said...

I can't believe what I just read... I haven't been following your blog much (so much to do, so little time!) but everytime you comment on mine, you are always SO bubbly, I would never have thought that you were so down!?

Anyway, you have a lot of support here and I really am sure it will all work out for you... you're too nice for it not to!!

Tamara Nicole said...

Awww hun! Seriosuly I totally need to talk to you!!! No joke. I was in a similar situation years ago and all I have to say is LEAVE. You're better than that and deserve so much more. We both have the sick puppy syndrome. I know you are a sweet person, but you can't lower your life to help someone else get better, it's not healthy.

I was in the SAME place exactly. I finally decided to leave years after I should have, and along came my prince charming a year later.

Seriously my email is memorybeandesigns@yahoo.com, let's chat girly! :-)

Wish you the best!

Leia said...

Oh, my dear Jen. I wish I could do/say something that helped, but I am just at a loss for words. I want to tell you to leave him, but I know that's something you have to decide for yourself. No matter what you do, you know you will always have us here to support you.

Love and hugs xxx

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Oh Jennifer, I'm so sorry to hear about all this! Life sucks right now and I wish there was something I gotta do (I've been looking for work forever too). Your bf though is bad news. Please remember that there is 1 person in a relationship - you. Look out for your best interests. The job thing is hard and I know in the past year with all my moving around and looking for a job, I found it hard to talk to my friends (and they were always in difft time zones). It's going to be a tough time, but keep on going. It's the hardest thing to do, but do it for yourself, your mom, and how fabulous you deserve to be.

Thanks for stopping by my blog btw.

Nubiasnonsense said...

I'm really sorry to hear this, BE strong you don't deserve to be depressed.

As for the relationship my advice is to get out.. its up to you but no one deserves to get mistreated like that

MJ said...

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. Go - it could be a brand new start for you! Think of all the places you might go if you're not tied down in a crap relationship!

Some Girl said...

With tears streaming down my face, I can't feign eloquence. I just want to give you a hug and tell that things will be ok in the end. :'(

I'm sorry that I can't think of something helpful to say.

Anonymous said...

I feel so appreciative that you share your true situation with us. Your strength is inspirational.

Nikosmommy said...

You are so brave the put it all out here on your blog...a place where you can safely be honest and open. I don't know why God hands us such a load of crap sometimes,,,but you have to have faith that you are gonna pull through this.
There are obviously a lot of variables you can't control right now...the unemployment, the illness. But you CAN control who you have close to you in your life. Dump your douche-bag b.f. and look for some roommate/housing alternatives. Don't go back home if you can avoid it! You're an adult now and you need to put your own emotional well-being FIRST. It may require thinking a bit outside of the box (financially) and push you out of your own comfort zone to make some SERIOUS changes here. You most definitely DESERVE to be happy...now go get it girl!!!! You're way to Fabulous for this!!

Melanie's Randomness said...

Ohh Jen I wish I could give you a hug right now. I know you know that I know exactly what your going through. I dated the mess for 4 years and some days were great & other days just seem to make me feel so small & insignificant. But I loved him & somehow i pushed all the negatives out. I know you don't want to go home but maybe there you have a girlfriend or something that you could just get away with for a lil while & clear your head. Get out of the chaos and remember how talented & beautiful you are. If it was just one thing it'd be easier, I know. Some point things will change. Keep putting your resumes out, maybe you and rian need a lil time apart or maybe you guys should sit & really talk (I know that's easier said then done, but really maybe you need too). If I lived just a lil bit closer I'd be there in a jiffy to help ya out wherever I can. It's just a rough patch hun, you'll get a sunny day. We're here for you. Your my friend & I'd do anything help. If you want my phone number I'll send it to you in an email.

Feel better Jen, maybe a good restful nights sleep will make you feel a lil better. *hugs*

Ela said...

Oh Jen, my heart breaks for you. I know that doesn't help you one bit but I hope you know how loved you are. By everyone that gets to know you, sees your heart, who you are and how beautiful you are.
I can't do unhealthy relationships. It's just not in me. I've got no tolerance for it. But I have known what it's like to be in love with someone that doesn't treat you with love and respect at all times. But like you said, only you can make that decision. I hope and pray you will do what is best for you.

I also hope you kick this bug soon, and feel better!
xoxoxo

michelle_ said...

okay this was something heavy to read before bedtime.. but im happy that you know that you're the person to control your life..
you really dont deserve this !
someone good like you deserves something better !

we readers cant do anything.. all we can do if give you some support :D

all the best for you !

Joellen said...

I'm so sorry you've had a shitty year. Sadly I can relate with the shitty boyfriend, although after a year something snapped and he reformed. Unfortunately everyone doesn't have the capability of changing like that. But yeah, I dealt with all that shit for a year. I really hope everything goes well, things always get better!

joellenlove.blogspot.com

PS Thank you much for the kind words :o)

Sutton said...

you poor thing. chin up, and know that at the end of the day you have to love yourself, more than anyone else.

and always know, that this too shall pass.

xx

trishie said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your misfortunes this year. i think everyone deserves to be treated right, it seems your bf isn't doing that for you. i really hope that things will get better for you soon in health and in love and that you'll find a job.

Denise said...

get out of the relationship that all i can say for now.

don't do this to yourself, you know you're better than all of this. This is so heartbreaking to hear.
i wish you the courage and strength to even start all over again.

you don't need all these negativity. And i promise you, you're off better without him. Treat yourself good, leave him.

God bless. hugs.


I am Denise Katipunera

Charmalade said...

I feel like I'm very late to the punch here, but I hope that my one comment out of a sea of sympathetic voices can be heard. I hope you won't regret posting about this, because I see so many wonderful, supporting voices calling to your need. And even though I've only "known" you for a very short time, I feel for you. I feel guilty for having felt downtrodden this week, when in fact I need to keep perspective.

And I hope you can keep perspective, too. I know that there's the blogging world and the "real world," but we're all real people who read and respond to your posts, whether they be silly or serious. I don't want to come off as "creeper," but I want to give you a hug, because I'm afraid whatever I'll say will be a tired cliche. Remember the love, Jennifer.

Toast with Charmalade

.:JoaNNa:. said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry that this could happen to you. Please be strong and remember that everything happens for a reason. It happens to me too when I dont know what to do and noone I could turn into, but just believe that behind this misery there's a meaningful message that will open up your eyes. Anyways you're not alone! You still have the readers who always be there for you. We may be living far apart, but distance cant stop people to be friends! I'll pray for you for sure.

Love, Joanna

FASHIONconfectionairy said...

Ah, I don't quite know what to say - but I am sorry. Firstly, go dump thee guy and move in with a girl friend. Then you can figure things out, and don't fall asleep and never wake up, please.
XOXOX
Libby
http://fashionconfectionairy.weebly.com

OneCraftyFox said...

Oh hun, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I feel for you, I truly do.

Your name is Jennifer Fabulous, don't let anyone treat you any other way.

BIG HUG,
Diana

June Paski said...

Im sorry to hear that, keep moving forward and I think you will get something great after all of that

xxx

SabinePsynopsis said...

Oh Jennifer, this sounds terrible! Since everyone has already given you very good advice I can also just confirm that I think sitting down and thinking about what's dragging you down in life, trying to 'weed it out' is the best way to find your inner strength to get better again. I know you can do it! xxx

Nicole Andrea said...

Life can be such a pain sometimes na? Bnt don't you worry....if you cry now, there's always happiness later. My friend went the through shit like this last year but she's doing much better now. Life is all about challenges, we gotta accept it and kick it right at the butt (I hope that makes sense).
Am sure you'll get a new job soon cuz with that amazing creativity you've got am sure about that. Oh! and I agree with Leah. If you don't feel loved in a relationship you should move on. It's the only solution. Am not an expert but I've seen lot of people making sacrifices in a relationship yet don't get much back.

Anyhoo..take care.

P.S I totally understand when you say it's so funny how you end up falling for someone whose like your dad...Am like totally crushing on someone whose like dad! (scary I tell you)

(Btw am gonna keep you in my prayers.)

101smiles said...

i think u have to move away

think about yourself take a good decision

http://101smiles.blogspot.com/

MissNeira said...

Aw you poor thing. Please dont go down on yourself this much. Things will be better but you have to do them yourself. Get out of situations that only add negativity. You CAN be selfish when it comes to your happiness.

Dont worry, everything will be better in a bit!!

xoxo

sharonlei said...

I just came across your blog.. and reading this breaks my heart. I'm sorry that you have to go through what you're going through. No one deserves this. Especially a guy who treats your terribly. I'm not sure what your whole relationship with him is life, but it seems so toxic. Sometimes girls think they're "in love", but they just want to feel wanted.

I was in a very similar relationship. I stayed with a guy (I was in highschool at the time) who did terrible things to me; both emotional and physical. I put up with it for over a year and blamed myself for his wrongs. But with help of my friends and family I got out of that toxic relationship and I found a great guy who I've been with for the past 10 years. You deserve the absolutely BEST and no less than that. Never settle.

As cliche as it is... THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON... and you'll get through this. Take care sweetie. HUGS.

xx Love & Aloha

Barry said...

Hi Jen, sorry I'm late to comment. So much has happened to you, and honestly I think the latest with Rian is a sign that it's time to move on.

I know you don't want to hear that.
I know you may think people don't understand how you feel. I know that you've tried so hard to make it work with Rian but it's been going on for years with no improvement. You've given him more chances than any guy should ever be allowed. I care about you with all my heart and you're way too beautiful a person to be treated this way.

I certainly know that you don't want to move back home. If that's your only choice it'll seem like a huge step backwards but honestly I think these events are setting themselves up as the beginning of something better.

You're probably reading this thinking, "Yeah right." But I really truly believe this. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.

I remember being at my lowest point when I was only eighteen. I was out of work, not sure what I wanted to do with my life. Living at home with an alcoholic, abusive stepfather in a home situation that I never thought I would escape. Admittedly a couple times I thought about going to sleep and never waking up, that's how hopeless everything seemed.

But things got better. The change was gradual and painful, but it happened. Now I know that I had to go through it.

It's the same with you honey. It kills me to see you going through this. But I know when you feel you've hit your lowest point there's no where to go but up.

I pray that you can find the strength within you to change what you're able to. You know Sandy and I are always, ALWAYS here for you. We keep our phone on 24/7 and we can always be reached by e-mail.

As a friend I've grown to love you more than words can say Jennifer, I honestly mean that. I'll always be here for you, and I know you have many friends here who feel the same way.

Barry said...

Woah, long post. Why didn't words come to me as easily on my English Lit exams? ♥

Jamie said...

Ok Darlin, listen...no man will respect you until you respect yourself, including your current man. I know this b/c I was just in a similar situation. I kept walking on egg shells and letting him run all over me. But the day I woke up and decided it was enough, i found an apartment, called on my friends for their support and I moved. And you know what? Right now he and I are in a better place because I respect myself enough to not put up with his crap!! Men don't like to see us pathetic. It's not at all attractive to them. When we are confident and strong and unwilling to expose ourselves to the emotional abuse, that's when they treat us right.
I am a firm believer in people only do to us what we allow them to do.
Also that we create our own happiness. Take a deep breath, stand up, dust yourself off and focus on YOU. Your life is not going to get better as long as your energy is focused on him. I PROMISE I literally just went through this 6 months ago and my life has taken a 360 degree turn. It seems hard at first but after a few weeks it's like the clouds begin to clear and the sun comes out again.
If you want to talk I'm here anytime doll!

Http://glamlatte.blogspot.com
glamlatte@gmail.com

Lucie said...

Bless you sweetheart. Sometimes life just keeps kicking you when your down. You definitely deserve some up time, but rest assured, its on its way to you in an abundance.

you in my thoughts,
lucie x

Christen said...

My advice? Make something happy happen. If your relationship isn't working anymore, get out. Life is just too short to stay in a horrible relationship. It will be so hard at first but I just know you will come out on top. Do what's best for you and only you. Sometimes you just have to be selfish.

Robin said...

Only you can decide what to do with your relationship, but the glimpse you've given us isn't good. I've dated a few emotionally stunted, controlling guys and can easily tell you it's not worth it. I'm off and on right now with a fantastic, loving guy and it's worlds different. We do our best not to be ugly to each other.

You will not always be unemployed, or with a bad guy, or depressed. You can be at peace and be happy. I know because I've been all three and now I'm doing really, really well. I hope we can help at least a little.

Lisa said...

This post breaks my heart. :( I really don't know what to say because I am horrible at relationships, but I do know that you DO NOT deserve what you are going through...but because I too face similar father problems, I can relate to you even though I am not in a relationship like you. You are such a strong person and even from your blog you can tell that you are so full of life and energy, and such a talented writer and an unbelievable friend. You deserve the best-- in ALL aspects of your life. xoxo

WILDasaMINK said...

I just read your most recent post and then had to keep scrolling to see what was up. I think we just recently discovered eachother's blogs so I didn't know what your situation was until now...after reading everything you just wrote, all I can say is "WOW!" and wow not in a good way, wow in a I'm totally stressed out for you kinda way.
Hang in there--keep your head up, only the tough survive and you've made it this far so I'm sure you can come out a champ on the other side as soon as all these hard times pass.
Goodluck to you, I hope all these hardships move outta your life before too long.

gleenn said...

Jen, in every relationship that I've been, there's just one lesson I've learned. I've got to love myself first and the guy will worship me. Therefore, I'm with Leah.

If that relationship is at its edge, it's because there are too many factors involve. I know you're figuring them out one by one and that's very essential.

I can feel through your words that you're strong. And keep being strong. And pray. Things will just work out for good.

Love you Jen :)

OceanDreams said...

Hey love, so sorry I was late to this post but I want you to know that you can make it through it! I know that may seem silly since I am not in your shoes and I know you must be going through a lot. But I want you to know that we are here to support you and I hope that not only does your illness get better, but that your guy stands by you, and that things get better for you. XOXO and hugs for you! Please let me know if you need anything.

Damsels said...

i hope you get a chance to read this ..
you are a truly special and interesting person ... if your relationship fails you will find someone else .. but that said i want to add that since you have been going thru many stressful things that tends to put stress on relationships and make things seem worse than they are .. i hope you two stick it out thru the tough times and i think you'll find that things will get better once your situation gets better like if you get another job soon.

i know what you mean about it all too .. which is why i love to check out your blog .. it reminds that other people go thru things too because i seem to always take the mindset that things are happening to me .. and it makes me pessimistic and worrisome to feel like the worl is out to get me .. for what its worth i have 10 dollars in the bank right now and i wont have any money till april which i s depressing since i need to buy text books and pay for my phone . a phone which is definitely broken ... i turns off all the time ..and i have no laptop either .

however i try to keep optimistic and know that this too shall pass .

because if there is one thing that is true is that nothing lasts forever .. so keep your head up sooner than later you will have brighter days