Guest Post: Just be a Hooker!

It's not everyday when a gorgeous redhead saves my ass.

But, alas, it has happened!

My awesome and dear friend Jessica, from Stumbling Towards Nirvana, has come to my rescue this internet-less week!

I hope you will enjoy her hilarious Halloween guest post below and also check out her blog, which is both inspiring and relatable.

Thanks, Jess!

Here she is:

So, here's the thing: if you want to be "sexy" this Halloween, just be a hooker. Seriously. Buy some 4-inch pink pleather boots (I found mine at second hand store), and run into the night in all your hooker, streetwalker, high-paid call girl glory. Proudly tell people that you're a stripper or a 7th avenue whore and then yell "shots for all my fellow sluts!" and get the party started.

Embrace the fact that just for one night, you're dressed like you could charge $500 an hour -- $1000 if he wants to get really dirty.

But don't, for the love of god, pretend that you're dressing up as an actual nurse, or cop or referee and your costume just happens to be missing almost all its material.

If you want to be sexy this Halloween, go for it. Go for it hard. But don't dress like Julia Roberts's skanky cousin and then pretend you're anything other than a girl who's embracing her inner hoochie.

I know there are certain costume creators who want you to believe that any costume can be made sexy, but this just isn't the case. Certain things just aren't naturally supposed to be "hot," and when you try to force the issue, you get nothing but drunk people laughing at you behind your scantily-clad back.

For instance:

"Sexy Pinocchio"



Pinocchio is a fucking frightening story about an old man who's so super lonely he creates a boy out of a toy and then that boy is lured away by creepy guys who try to turn him into a donkey. True story. True, terrifying story that is anything buy "sexy."

And no, that phallic nose does not help things.


"Sexy Crazy Person"



First of all, this costume is going to prevent you from doing anything, so I'm not sure why you'd even consider it. And secondly, what part of "I'm so nuts I might freak out and kill people so restrain me" is the sexy part?

Besides, once you undo the arms, your costume just goes back to looking like you're a hooker in a weird white dress. (Read my initial point about just being a prostitute).


"Sexy Clockwork Orange Person"


So, I'm not sure if the good people at Yardy.com have ever read Clockwork Orange, but if they did, they would realize the main character is kind of like the antithesis of "sexy" – and also a guy.

Plus (are we sensing a trend here?) this girl looks like she just stepped off the Vegas strip. Pour some glitter on her and you've got a showgirl who makes a little extra cash on the side by sleeping with sad, ugly businessmen who think they're the only one she actually does this with.


"Sexy Shark"



Okay – sharks are terrifying. There's nothing "sexy" about an animal that could rip you in half if given the chance, and since there's been an increase in shark bite deaths recently, I don't think I want to start fucking laughing at them.

Also, this costume doesn't look like a shark AT ALL. I mean, what's with those armbands? Sharks don't have those. They also don't have furry tassels on the end of their heads. Because if they did, we could pull them every time they tried to sever our legs and maybe get away, instead of dying a horrible and terrifying death.


"Sexy KISS WoMan"



Ugh. If there's anything I hate in this world, it's taking a character that's always been a dude, and not only turning into a costume for a chick, but making it "sexy" at the same time.

I mean, who thinks that weird make-up is sexy? No one does, because it's not. Plus, those boots are ugly.


"Sexy Transformer"



Unless you were a 14-year-old boy, these movies were lame. So why the hell would you want to spend like $50 on a costume that commemorates them? Not only were the Transformers dudes, they were robots. Alien robots. Who spent a lot of time with Shia Labeouf. Who wants to spend a lot of time with Labeouf?

Also, no one is going to get this costume. Not unless they're a giant nerd. And really, is that who you want to be spending Halloween with? A giant nerd? You dressed up in a tiny skirt and weird knee socks to hang out with a guy who likes alien robots Shia Labeouf movies?

Didn't think so.


Ladies, this Halloween, I want you to be as sexy and as hot as you can possibly be. But save yourself a lot of time and money and shipping costs and just go Pretty Woman on their asses all night long. Embrace your slutty side without having to deal with people looking at you weird and whispering, "wait, is that girl a sexy shark?"

Everyone knows what a hooker looks like.

PS: Even if you go as a whore, people may still mistake your costume for something a guidette would wear on the Jersey Shore. This can't be helped. Those girls know how to embrace their hooker side like no one else on this earth. Besides actual hookers.