Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Guest Post: Just be a Hooker!

It's not everyday when a gorgeous redhead saves my ass.

But, alas, it has happened!

My awesome and dear friend Jessica, from
Stumbling Towards Nirvana, has come to my rescue this internet-less week!

I hope you will enjoy her hilarious Halloween guest post below and also check out her blog, which is both inspiring and relatable.

Thanks, Jess!

Here she is:

So, here's the thing: if you want to be "sexy" this Halloween, just be a hooker. Seriously. Buy some 4-inch pink pleather boots (I found mine at second hand store), and run into the night in all your hooker, streetwalker, high-paid call girl glory. Proudly tell people that you're a stripper or a 7th avenue whore and then yell "shots for all my fellow sluts!" and get the party started.

Embrace the fact that just for one night, you're dressed like you could charge $500 an hour -- $1000 if he wants to get really dirty.

But don't, for the love of god, pretend that you're dressing up as an actual nurse, or cop or referee and your costume just happens to be missing almost all its material.

If you want to be sexy this Halloween, go for it. Go for it hard. But don't dress like Julia Roberts's skanky cousin and then pretend you're anything other than a girl who's embracing her inner hoochie.

I know there are certain costume creators who want you to believe that any costume can be made sexy, but this just isn't the case. Certain things just aren't naturally supposed to be "hot," and when you try to force the issue, you get nothing but drunk people laughing at you behind your scantily-clad back.

For instance:

"Sexy Pinocchio"



Pinocchio is a fucking frightening story about an old man who's so super lonely he creates a boy out of a toy and then that boy is lured away by creepy guys who try to turn him into a donkey. True story. True, terrifying story that is anything buy "sexy."

And no, that phallic nose does not help things.


"Sexy Crazy Person"



First of all, this costume is going to prevent you from doing anything, so I'm not sure why you'd even consider it. And secondly, what part of "I'm so nuts I might freak out and kill people so restrain me" is the sexy part?

Besides, once you undo the arms, your costume just goes back to looking like you're a hooker in a weird white dress. (Read my initial point about just being a prostitute).


"Sexy Clockwork Orange Person"


So, I'm not sure if the good people at Yardy.com have ever read Clockwork Orange, but if they did, they would realize the main character is kind of like the antithesis of "sexy" – and also a guy.

Plus (are we sensing a trend here?) this girl looks like she just stepped off the Vegas strip. Pour some glitter on her and you've got a showgirl who makes a little extra cash on the side by sleeping with sad, ugly businessmen who think they're the only one she actually does this with.


"Sexy Shark"



Okay – sharks are terrifying. There's nothing "sexy" about an animal that could rip you in half if given the chance, and since there's been an increase in shark bite deaths recently, I don't think I want to start fucking laughing at them.

Also, this costume doesn't look like a shark AT ALL. I mean, what's with those armbands? Sharks don't have those. They also don't have furry tassels on the end of their heads. Because if they did, we could pull them every time they tried to sever our legs and maybe get away, instead of dying a horrible and terrifying death.


"Sexy KISS WoMan"



Ugh. If there's anything I hate in this world, it's taking a character that's always been a dude, and not only turning into a costume for a chick, but making it "sexy" at the same time.

I mean, who thinks that weird make-up is sexy? No one does, because it's not. Plus, those boots are ugly.


"Sexy Transformer"



Unless you were a 14-year-old boy, these movies were lame. So why the hell would you want to spend like $50 on a costume that commemorates them? Not only were the Transformers dudes, they were robots. Alien robots. Who spent a lot of time with Shia Labeouf. Who wants to spend a lot of time with Labeouf?

Also, no one is going to get this costume. Not unless they're a giant nerd. And really, is that who you want to be spending Halloween with? A giant nerd? You dressed up in a tiny skirt and weird knee socks to hang out with a guy who likes alien robots Shia Labeouf movies?

Didn't think so.


Ladies, this Halloween, I want you to be as sexy and as hot as you can possibly be. But save yourself a lot of time and money and shipping costs and just go Pretty Woman on their asses all night long. Embrace your slutty side without having to deal with people looking at you weird and whispering, "wait, is that girl a sexy shark?"

Everyone knows what a hooker looks like.

PS: Even if you go as a whore, people may still mistake your costume for something a guidette would wear on the Jersey Shore. This can't be helped. Those girls know how to embrace their hooker side like no one else on this earth. Besides actual hookers.

45 comments:

CC said...

HAHAHAHA! SO FUNNY xD

Alexandria said...

So true. So very true. I gave up on trying to be sexy with my Halloween costumes, so I'm just being a panda this year.

Julie @ ROJ Running said...

OMG too funny, great post! I love the crazy outfits people come up with every Halloween. I saw a "sexy Ursula" on some website. Really? Evil morbidly obese purple human/octopus = get in my bed?

Shannon said...

Yes. I think my gfs and I hit a new low when we were the sexy three blind mice. Yeah, even rodents with eyesight problems can turn heads. ;)

Sherin said...

Haha, amazing!! So true though: it's so much easier to be a hooker than a sexy anything.
I burst out laughing at sexy shark!

Liv said...

Too funny! I guest posted here (though much less eloquently) about profoundly disturbing "sexy" Halloween costumes. While Tropic Thunder may have taught us to neever go full retard, I'm totally behind your lesson to totally go full hoochie.

http://idlefascination.blogspot.com/

Angie said...

I am going against the rules and wearing a naughty cop costume this year. Why? Because it came with a billy club and I want to tempt someone to touch me so I can beat the hell out of them with my stick. (I have frustrations... I know)

David L Macaulay said...

I do rather like thsi guest post as it happens.

Silver Strands said...

hahaha ... so nice to meet you, Jess!

Kavery said...

Funny and entertaining- nice post Jess

Reading (and chickens) said...

This was. the. best. (Sexy SHARK? Ack.)

Stephanie said...

Ha! This post cracked me up. The whole "sexy halloween costume" thing is just so overdone. I actually posted a picture of a sexy skunk costume on my blog yesterday. Change a letter and you've got yourself a skank!

Meri said...

ahaha- the other day my coworker was talking about a "sexy Nemo" costume and I about died laughing. Why? Why? I'm on board with your idea. On a side note, I never really realized how utterly creepy Pinocchio is. Yikes.

-E- said...

i went as sexy pikachu a couple of years ago.

A BRIT GREEK said...

Bahhahahaha!!! OMG, is she your writing twin?

You know what's so bloody funny though,loads of women/girls DO actually go Vamp/sex it up on Halloween! I'll re-direct them here on Twitter!

Jen - I actually made dressing up like Captain Jack Sparrow sexy - wasn't for Halloween, but for a 30th b'day in a massive country mansion my friends hired for a weekend.
I won the dress up comp of course but felt bad for the couple who went as Homer & Marge - they even went as far as painting themselves yellow all over! 30 of us then had a Silver Service dinner served to us- God only knows what they thought!

Missed ya too! x.o.x.o

Josie said...

What a hysterical post! That straightjacket costume is HORRIFYING.
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

SassyUptownChic said...

omg'd this was so hilarious! HAHAHAHA i nearly fell out of my chair while reading this. too funny!
http://sassyuptownchic.blogspot.com/

Esmeralda said...

Hahaha, love it!!

azu said...

Ladies...unless your potential mate is an animal, animals aren't sexy. Especially if they can kill you.

A few more costumes that should be mentioned only to be ridiculed are:

Sexy Finding Nemo, Sexy Brian from Family Guy, and even...Sexy Chewbacca. Seriously. Google it if you want to be scarred for life.

-Azu

Diego R. Wyatt said...

That is so funny...AND so true. I saw a "Sexy Rat" costume yesterday while shopping for my Halloween get up. It's insane what people will market to the masses and even more alarming what people will actually buy.


Diego
www.howtozipyourfly.com

Miksu said...

Hahaha this is so funny!! :D Too bad that here in Finland Halloween is not that big thing, no one is having a party :(

xx
absofuckinglutely

ps. I just had my first blogversary, check out my celebration post! :)

Mimi said...

hahahaha oh gosh, this is hilarious!!! i haaaate it when costumes that aren't supposed to be sexy are made sexy. sexy harry potter -- gives me the creeps!

<3, Mimi
http://whatmimiwrites.blogspot.com/
Stages of Beauty Giveaway :)

StyleIDnet said...

Ohhh no, I think I am staying away from the 'sexy' too many out there in So. Beach.
Loved the post, I actually never thought they had a Pinocchio "sexy" costume.

http://styleidnet.blogspot.com/
http://styleidcloset.blogspot.com/

Tamara Nicole said...

Sexy shark?! ha ha hilarious!

The Rule of Mr Kane said...

love the sexy Pinocchio!

I am doing a Giveaway:
http://mrkanerule.blogspot.com/2011/10/thank-you-giveaway.html

Hugs
JK

Cafe Fashionista said...

I kind of love the fact that almost every adult costume has the word 'Sexy' in the title - it's ridiculous. Luckily, I still fit into kids costumes, so I can be a character from Monster High or Daphne from Scooby Doo. :P

Audrey Allure said...

Haha, this post is hilarious & so true. Love it!

dina vanessa mercado said...

lovely pictures!!!! so timely... love it!!! enjoyed your blog.. following you now... hope you could visit my blog too... kissess!!!


http://voguelyvan.blogspot.com

ENTER MY INTERNATIONAL GIVEAWAY! WIN A SATCHEL AND FABULOUS ACCESSORIES! HERE'S THE LINK--> http://voguelyvan.blogspot.com/2011/09/september-october-international.html

Fashion.MakeUp.LifeStyle said...

OH no hilarious but this year I absolutely want to be something sexy. I mean seriously never ever dressed up before LIKE EVER....... who knows after reading this post I just may change my mind.


<3 Marina
Fashion.MakeUp.LifeStyle

Ocean Dreams said...

Oh wow I don't like the costumes these days. The only option you have is to dress like a whore. Or...dress like a whore.

Emma Rae Curtis said...

You said what most of us are thinking. Good for you. Awesome article and I think it is definitely the truth!

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