Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Montgomery Twins (Part II)

I honestly don't even remember how I met Mrs. Montgomery.

But when I was a sophomore in college, word got around that I was babysitting. Almost every night I found myself bombarded with calls from desperate parents. Mrs. Montgomery was one of them. She needed someone to watch her 9-year-old twins that Saturday night.

When I first arrived at the Montgomery house, I could tell this babysitting gig was going to be a headache.

The colonial two-story house was absolute perfection. Fancy modern artwork decorated the walls. Glass tabletops with no smudges. Spotless white carpet.

I don't trust a house that clean, especially when twins are involved.

Mrs. Montgomery herself looked like Barbie Doll. She had long blonde hair and flaunted a fantastic body.

Every food product in the house was organic and mostly vegan. The girls were to have quinoa and raw veggies for dinner, she said. If they had a sweet tooth, there were prunes in the cupboard. The girls were not allowed to eat anything processed or containing sugar.

"Do you they have food allergies?" I asked, concerned.

Mrs. Montgomery looked surprised.

"Not at all," she said. "We're just a healthy family. Nobody in this household eats sugary or processed food. Plus, the girls need to be in top shape for pageant season."

When she left, the little girls came out of their hiding spots. They were decked out in vibrant blue eyeshadow, bright pink blush, red lips, and gloppy mascara.

They studied me intently, which made me nervous.

"Are you a lesbian?" one of the twins asked.

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"Because you aren't wearing makeup," the twin said. "Mommy says that women who don't wear makeup all the time are lesbians."

Before I could respond, the other twin intercepted.

"Why are you fat?" she asked.

Um, I was five feet tall and 93 pounds. I didn't even dignify her question with an answer.

"What do you girls want to do?" I asked. "Play a game?"

They girls stared at me, blankly.

"Do you have any board games in the house?" I asked.

"What's a board game?" one of the twins asked.

"Video games?" I asked, baffled.

They shook their heads.

"We're not allowed to play games because Mommy says they rot brains," one of the twins explained.

"What do you do for fun?" I asked.

"I dunno, just put on makeup and weigh ourselves on the bathroom scale," the same twin responded. "Or yoga, but Cathy is on vacation."

So we literally sat on the pristine sofa and talked about their upcoming beauty pageants until dinner time.

Of course, I fucked things up from there.

You see, I burnt their dinner. I'm not sure how, it was just boxed quinoa and vegetables. But there was a big misunderstanding involving a fire and my not knowing how to use a stove.

The girls were delighted by the chaos. They had never known so much excitement!

So we went to the store and I got ingredients for the only dinner I knew how to make at the time: a chocofluffernutter.

Basically, you spread peanut butter, marshmallow fluff, and chocolate syrup on toast and eat it.

The girls were dubious at first, but after the first bite, they couldn't believe their luck.

"Oh my god, this is awesome!" they kept repeating, over and over again, in astonishment. It was the first time they had ever had marshmallow fluff in their lives. It was the first time they had ever had chocolate syrup and Jiffy peanut butter.

"Is this what heaven tastes like?" one of the twins asked me, dazed.

I was so fascinated by their reactions to the junk food, I just sat there and observed them. It was like watching aliens.

After dinner, I helped them take off their makeup and taught them how to play MASH. One of the twins was a little too excited at the prospect of living in a shack with some boy named James.

When Mrs. Montgomery arrived, she was pleasantly surprised to see the girls in such good spirits.

But unfortunately, I did not know that giving chocolate to a little girl for the first time was the equivalency of giving a junkie their first taste of crack.

A couple weeks later, Mrs. Montgomery angrily called me to let me know one of the twins had been caught drinking Hershey's syrup under her bed covers at 4 a.m. the night before.

I was never asked to babysit the twins again.


Mouthwash said...

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! best story ever!??! I think so. This is HILARIOUS Jen!! I love it!! I wish I could have been there.

This is so perfect.

Those girls needed a chocopeanutfluff or, you know , what you called it.


Gayatri said...

Well done! I'm sure the twins (wherever they are now) are thanking you from the bottom of their hearts!


Bienvenue chez French Girl in Seattle... said...

Ha! ha! ha! You devil, you corrupted these poor children!!! I would have personally just used a jar of Nutella and two spoons to feed them "dinner". Oh, la, la! Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

Shannon said...

Hhahahaha, this story is so funny, it doesn't seem real.

I know a family like that. I say "forget" that and bust out the fluffernutter!

Anonymous said...

hah, are these stories for real!? That family sounds so obnoxious!


LOVE this story, you sew words together very well!

enjoyed it,

dina vanessa mercado said...

fun story!!!! babysitting such kids is really a great experience to have... am just sorry that they were not given the chance to live a normal life, kids ought to enjoy and play but seems like they are being hindered from what they should really have...



Stephanie said...

Oh, those poor little girls. I wish this were fiction so that I could just laugh...but instead thinking about those kids just makes me sad. It's a tragic comedy. Love your writing, as always.

Josie said...

Way to turn them into little addicts, Jen. Just kidding -- it sounds like you were their best sitter EVER.
xo Josie

SassyUptownChic said...

LMFAO Jennifer! I bet those twins grew up and rebelled against Mrs. Montgomery. She's probably lost her damn mind. I hate rigid ass parents like that! WTG with f'ing her plans up. LOL

Alicia said...

I just started teaching 1st grade and I make similar fluffernutter style introductions to my class every day. "What?! You don't know about How the Grinch Stole Christmas?! Oh... Because you celebrate Diwali instead? I see..."

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

You rock Ms. Chocolate pusher!

Chic 'n Cheap Living

Kavery said...

So their first sugar rush was courtesy of you? Fantastic! At least they had a chance to be normal kids for one night!

David L Macaulay said...

ha, ha - sounds like the fire made their day. nice post.

Meri said...

haha- you got out just in time. You dirty chocolate smuggler hahaha! I've definitely done the nanny rounds with "all organic, no sugar" diets for the kids, etc... yikes.

Ashley/ MILK TEETHS said...

omg a prune for dessert?! ahhhh!!!

Jo said...

This is really hilarious. You should compile all your babysitting experience into a book!

Sherin said...

haha! Loved reading this. I have a cousin like that: part of a crazy pretentious family and she really does eat chocolates under her bed covers.

A BRIT GREEK said...

Bahahahahaaaaa! Oh gosh, can you imaine if they had a reaction to sugar - they'd be bouncing off walls and wearing 20 layers of frills and make up!

Great writing girl. Please tell me this is fictional!

ttFN said...

such a great post! really love it x

Cailin´s Place said...

jajaj!!!great post!!!kisses!

Couture Carrie said...

Hah! Hilarious!
Love your story and the accompanying pics!


creativefashionglee said...

This is such a hilarious story! At least, Jen, for once in their lives, the twins enjoyed a good dinner. :)

Cafe Fashionista said...

Gah! I so adore you for this, Jennifer! What a phenom post - I love this story! :)

Pop Champagne said...

HAHAH, omg eating raw veggies for dinner and that's IT? I would STARVE to death, right now I'm doing a detox where I can't eat red meat, dairy, sugar and I'm already dying.. I can't imagine going vegan... poor kids :( not saying they should eat unhealthy but at least some chicken and steak for dinner and cake once in a while!!

love jenny xoxo said...

wow that is an insane story!!! I can't believe families like that exist in real life!!!


Kristin said...

OMG...Dying. Those poor girls. Hopefully they remember you fondly as the one who let them out of jail for a night!

Olga said...

Thank you for sharing this moment from your babysitting career. At least you were able to give them a taste of something sweet and forbidden :)

Venus Loves Virgo said...

FREAKIN HILARIOUS! And I didn't even go read part one yet. I'm on it now. XOXO

Lee Oliveira said...

This is a great story. I wish I had a sitter like you when I was young. Mine never gave me chocolate.


Bonnie said...

Aaaaahahahahahahahahaahaha. I almost peed my pants. You turned them into the equivalent of alcoholics only with Hershey's syrup.
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Ocean Dreams said...

Oh my goodness those girls were deprived until they had you as their babysitter! You know what, even though you lost the gig I'm glad she had her first taste of chocolate syrup, lol!