Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dear Jennifer

I don't want to sound like a conceited bitch, but I know everything.

...Or, at least, I think I do. This confidence I exude gives people the belief that I know what I'm talking about. So, it makes them comfortable in confiding in me or asking me very serious questions, to which I am clearly the only person who can help.

Google knows this.

Every single day, hundreds of people are referred to my blog from Google, after asking the most random and profound questions in the search box. And only I can help them.



Call me a professor of bottomless wisdom, if you may.

Here is a batch of questions or statements which have brought people to my blog recently:

Is the war on heaven really over?
Google referred this lost soul to my review on Confessions of a Shopaholic. I can only assume this person found exactly what they were looking for in my poetic words about the endearing spending habits of Becky Bloomwood.


My boyfriend is gay and I'm not sure what to do about it.
It's over, sweetie. There is nothing you can do about it.


I think I might be gay and do I tell my parents?

First, make sure you're certain. There should be no "might be" about it. And yes, if you are gay, you probably should tell your family. Otherwise your life is going to get extremely complicated and incredibly miserable.


I know you're thinking of me when you're fucking her
Hmmm...


Lesbian bitches kissing each other
I don't promote porn of any kind on this blog, but if you are looking for some high-quality films in which females lock lips, I highly suggest the following: Black Swan, Mulholland Dr., and Vicky Cristina Barcelona.


Sexy fat girl
Sigh. Yes, that would be me.


Why are Indian girls so hot?



Because we were born that way, baby.


How to be a hipster


The steps are quite easy.

1. Move to Portland.

2. Buy your entire wardrobe at Urban Outfitters, but tell people you only go thrifting.

3. Only listen to new, indie music that nobody else has heard of and then tell people you liked the band BEFORE they went mainstream.

4. Go vegan.

5. Own everything that Apple has ever made.

6. Only be seen at local coffee shops because Starbucks is corporate and therefore against everything you represent.

7. Did I mention owning everything Apple ever made?

8. NEVER call yourself a hipster. Or you will get your ass kicked.


Who is Anne Hathaway's boyfriend?


Anne is currently engaged to Adam Shulman, an actor and jewelry designer.


What is the fax Phil Collins sent to his last wife?
I'm sorry, but if I told you, I would have to kill you.


Who is Jonny Fabulous?



I want to marry Morrissey.

You and me both, honey. You and me both.


Will Swedish girls find me attractive?

If you have to ask, then probably not.


I wish I was Jennifer Fabulous
That's right, bitches. You all wish you could be me.


Any more questions?

59 comments:

Tanvi said...

LOL What a fantastic post. Concept wise. You get the best ideas for posts Jen! Witty as always!

Happy New Year! :)

♡ from © tanvii.com

Shannon said...

YES. These are my favorite kinds of posts. I love seeing what google sends my way. In fact, I should check...it's been awhile. :)

btd. said...

It's amazing what kind of questions get directed to your blog! Fabulous!

Miksu said...

can't say anything else but damn, you're a fantastic blogger!

xx
absofuckinglutely

Couture Carrie said...

Awesome post, darling!
Love that cat pic :)

Happy New Year!

xoxox,
CC

David L Macaulay said...

ha this is so funny, random and true, mostly anyhow...

Arielle said...

HAHAHA! I loved this. Very much.

Sarah said...

Ahaha this is so funny!
x

French Girl in Seattle said...

Thanks for stopping by today Jenny. You are in rare form, I see. ;-) Keep up the good work! Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

Cailin´s Place said...

great post!!!kisses and happy new year!!!

Cailin.

Meri said...

haha, what a funny post idea! The way google works tends to bend my mind in ways I can't comprehend... but it makes for everyday laughs :)

dreaming en francais said...

Loved this post, so entertaining! xo

http://dreamingenfrancais.blogspot.com/

Mabel said...

Haha I LOVE your how to be a hipster list. Have you ever watched Portlandia? I just got the dvds and it's so funny. I'm going to blog about it soon, maybe.

Thanks so much for your super nice and sweet comment you left me!!!! :)

Mabel
Mabel Time

Shybiker said...

You always crack me up!

Barry said...

If I could be some uber-hot Indian chick in another life, I'd want to be you. Then again I don't know if I could handle so much power. With great fabulousness comes great responsibility.

Barry said...

PS: How do you determine what searches are being used to reach your blog?

Silvertigo said...

Fab post :D you are one great writer, love that attitude! xoxo

Josie said...

Obsessed. Weird Google searches to find my blog are my FAVORITES. This post is simply hysterical.
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

socialitedreams said...

i truly loved this post....the random terms that people use to stumble upon sites is always hilarious

Kim (A Very Sweet Blog) said...

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THAT is why I love you so! Your confidence level is through the roof (and can be backed up). Some need to take lessons from you. The sexy fat chic comment had me falling out my chair. Jennifer, you are all the way and around... AWESOME! Your pretty, beyond smart and FABULOUS! Great post girl! BTW I didn't pay attention to the LV clothes for looking at the sweets too! HAHAHAHA

http://averysweetblog.com/

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

haha.. this was hilarious! Some really weird search keywords lead to my blog too!

Julie @ ROJ Running said...

When I pulled this up on Google reader all the white parts were invisible. I kept re-reading thinking I was going crazy because none of the "paragraphs" were making sense lol

Audrey Allure said...

Haha, I love it. My 'search keywords' that lead to my blog are not nearly as interesting as yours. The strangest ones I've encountered were "audrey allure 19th birthday" and "audrey allure boyfriend" - though, that sounds pretty stalkerish haha.

Swarnali said...

1 word about this post-HILARIOUS
I almost fell off my chair laughing, reading this!!
That answer to the Indian girls question is my fav!! I love Gaga(hope you do too!!) & yes we are born this way!!
I actually do wish I were Jenny fab :P

azu said...

Lesbian bitches kissing each other? HAHAHAHA!

Speaking of hipsters, I saw this picture of Steve Urkel on someone's blog. It was actually two pictures of him side by side (the exact same one) but with two different captions. One read something like "90s nerd" and the other said "2011 hipster." So true!

Anyway, I'm so glad you read what I write :) Not many do and that's perfectly fine. But if I can reach even one person, that just makes it all worth it.

Doing research on these politicians made me realize how much the "mainstream" media lies...it's fucking pathetic. I'll stop complaining now. lol

June said...

Hehehe Wat a fun post! You've got yourself another Indian fan now :)
xx
http://junebiswas.blogspot.com

Leia said...

LOL this was absolutely awesome! I wish my Google references were more interesting. Honestly, "how to make oat milk" is one of the most popular referrals to my blog. WTF?

Leia

Amena said...

I love this post. It is such an amazingly witty and very well written post...the classic Google pic is priceless....Great way to start the 2012

Happy new Year <3

http://fashion-opolis.blogspot.com/

A Brit Greek said...

Happy New Year to you hun... what a hilarious post, almost choked on my cuppa!

Thanks for your sweet words...
x.o.x.o

Sherin said...

Haha!! Hilarious!! I love the randomness of them all!

cricketfreak said...

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!
I bow down before you, o answerer of difficult questions.

FashionJazz said...

Your post are always fabulous babe,just like you :)

Happy New year xx

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

Don't let me start of the google searches for my blog. LOL. Thank you for my weekly cup of laughter;-)

Cafe Fashionista said...

Gah! I will forever and always love you, Jennifer. This is perfection! :)

Andrés Corella said...

Haha great post...I´m still cracking up about the how to be a hipster guide hahaha...That´s going on my facebook..with your permission of course

hugs
Andy
The Black Label

Esmeralda said...

So fany!!!
Love this post!!

JoaNNa said...

hahahah! i enjoyed this post a lot! you're hilarious, girl!
i think the steps to be a hipster thing is so true haha. do more of this please ;)

Sam said...

Ah Jennifer, you are a mastermind, love reading your points of view, always interesting hun!

MariahSmile said...

hahahahah way too funny!

Megan said...

Those are hilarious! I almost never look at my incoming Google searches but now I want to check them out. Only I'm pretty sure I'll be disappointed and none will be as fabulous as those!

Marcela Gmd said...

amazing post, darling!!!
Good start to the year!

Besos, desde España, Marcela

Shalini said...

Totally brilliant. One of my favorite queries to my blog is "do girls have penises?" I don't even understand how Google works some days. Or people, for that matter.

jos xx said...

i totally love you girl! you have the most wonderful posts!

happy new year!
jos xx

Tights Lover said...

Too funny!

Ah yes...I remember the time I was first directed to your blog. I was wondering how to stop my lesbian boyfriend from faxing Phil Collins tips on how to become a hipster and marry Anne Hathaway. Google told me your blog was can't-miss on this question.

Sadly, I am still searching for answers...

ps. Your blog roll sold me out. I posted that post for a second to see if it looked okay and then took it down...hahaha. My announcement is far less exciting than me winning the lottery. Although, you have convinced me now to at least start playing the lottery...so there's that :-).

Finally, I'm sorry December was a nightmare. I hope January is as awesome as December was bad...if not more.

Mouthwash said...

HAHAHA I love the photo of you with the question! YES! Own the sexiness! And you're not fat. End of story. What a terrible terrible word!

This such an awesome post. I've never had questions that led to my blog!

Amber

nitika said...

hahaha... Interesting post.. nd yess we Indian girls are hott !! :D

New follower here.. I would love if u visit my blog sometime & follow me back : )

http://shopaholicutie.blogspot.com/

Kavery said...

I get some weird traffic from Google too but these have to be the funniest searches ever!
BTW Happy New Year dear Jennifer!

Oh to Be a Muse said...

i love that you get Indian girls are hot and I want to marry Morrissey! that's just fantastic.

<3 this post.

Miss Caitlin S. said...

ha yeah! I always see this stuff too, it's so funny. I did a post on wetting the bed and people always find that post by searching like "WILL I EVER PLEASE STOP WETTING THE BED" haha, makes me cry.

And nice Hipster answer- I'm from Portland and not a hipster but I could add about 400 more tips! Power of observation.

Purvi said...

Hmn..such questions must be keeping you entertained :) :)

Anonymous said...

It was chubby women in moccasins that brought me here. I am not disappointed.

June said...

Hi Jenniffer! I just linked to your blog on my latest post
http://junebiswas.blogspot.com/2012/01/link-lovin-january.html
xx

Bonnie said...

How many times do I have to tell you that we need to take over the world? LET'S EFFING DO IT ALREADY. This post just confirms what I have been saying for months.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Nicole✗✗ said...

Haha, nice and rather clever! I just love your personality!! : ) The hipster list is pretty spot-on. lol

Alexandria said...

How have I not commented on this? This is pure brilliance. Pure. Brilliance.

Ocean Dreams said...

Ha ha love this! You have the best sense of humor!

Ashley/ MILK TEETHS said...

ahhh AMAZING!!! I will saw that the number 1 search query to my blog is "kelly clarkson chunky highlites" ;)

Gayatri said...

Ohhhh this post made my day. You're right Jenny, we all wish we could BE you!!!

Ingrid said...

hahha you're fabulous jenny! I loved this soo much!!!:))

xx Ingrid