Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Cosmopolitan Whisperer

Whenever I'm at the dentist office or stuck in line at the grocery store, I thumb through the latest issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.


This delightful journal offers a plethora of information for the sexually active 20-something girl. Do you make it your life's ambition to please a man in bed? Do you want to get rid of belly fat? Do you want to orgasm? If so, these pages are a goldmine.

And since I know everything, I've decided to offer an analysis of Pulitzer-prize worthy Cosmo articles, based simply on their intricate headlines.

You're welcome.

Here we go!


Ummm yeah. Another line he wants to hear: "The only thing that could make our sex hotter is including my yoga instructor, Debbie." Seriously.



...holy shit. That's a lot. You better get started now...



Perhaps this is what the Cosmo girl's "va-jay-jay" is dying to tell her: "Wow, 125 sex moves, huh? Not only am I completely sore but I'm fucking exhausted. Thanks. Now we have crabs and I have absolutely NO idea which guy gave it to you this week. PS. Stop calling me va-jay-jay."



There are so many things wrong with this headline, I don't even know where to begin. First, am I the ONLY girl who simply doesn't want to know about men's masturbation rituals? Am I?? And do all men have the same "go-to fantasy"? I find this suspicious.



How to have an orgasm!



How to have a lot of orgasms!



Wait, what?!



?!?!?!?


Thoughts??

28 comments:

Couture Carrie said...

TMI!!!!

xoxox,
CC

P.S. I think the waist clincher derives from the waspie, which, like the corset, is a fairly time honored lingerie staple. It's sexy but I agree, may be a tad impractical and/or awkward!

Shybiker said...

I'm all for giving women valuable information but Cosmo (which I read) often makes the feminist in me cringe. Men are not more important than women and elevating their needs (sexual and other) over ours is wrong. In its defense, Cosmo is often just trying to juice their stories to create greater entertainment value.

Bunny Moreno said...

Omg this was way too funny! Seriously these writers need to get better topics and I agree I have no need to know what men do in private or wait...I dont want to know what women do either. Ahhh to think these people pay their rent by writing this stuff. God Bless America!! hehehe xox

Meri said...

how boring, if we were all adjusting our sexual behavior to the same recycled and rehashed articles from the month before, in a different neon pink as the time before. I love to laugh at how stale cosmo is.

Josie said...

So here's the deal. It's my very guiltiest pleasure. I devour it every month. It's beyond embarrassing, Jen.
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

bridechic said...

I knew I had crossed a threshold from single woman religiously reading Cosmo to married when I started buying Martha Stewart Living instead . . .

oxoxoxo from San Francisco
Amy
http://bridechic.blogspot.com

Jo said...

OMG! I had a great laugh at this post!

I do think that many female magazines tend to think that the only goal in a female's life is to satisfy their man and to improve their relationship. They have to do that though coz many women do pick up magazines based on these eye catching headlines.

Good job at analysing in such a humorous way.

Sherin said...

Kinda dying of laughter reading this. What you said is hilarious and so true! I can't digest Cosmo anymore.

The Dainty Dolls House said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA...that was funny. I needed a laugh!! xx

The Grande Dame said...

Aaaahaha this is hilarious. You've basically highlighted the reasons I (and hundreds of others) stopped buying all women's magazines ever. Actually, I stopped buying them when Cosmo had an recipe for "engagement chicken," which was basically a meal that would apparently guarantee a marriage proposal if made for your man. I was looking for the free apron to go with it.
Seriously, it's a bit sad to think that not only do these magazines not teach their readers anything, they also lower their self esteem and self worth to below zero.

Pratishtha Durga said...

Cosmo is hilarious! I like it that they don't take themselves seriously. they are the Chick magazine version of Maxim, and I am surprised they don't feature more topless, hunky men in the pages.

Love the post. had me chuckling at work after a really tiring day!

Cafe Fashionista said...

Hahahahaha! I always laugh about the cover stories; regardless, I am a subscriber - but not for those types of stories. The fashion pages are incredible; and I've learned some amazing beauty tips! :P

Shannon said...

Hahahahaha you crack me up.

But to be honest, I'm extremely intrigued by the deathly orgasm. Cosmo sucked me in!!!!

Fashion art and other fancies said...

I'm less fond of the Cosmopolitan.
But this post is briiliant. So Hilarious!;-)

Bonnie said...

I had a subscription to Cosmo until a couple of weeks ago. It isn't worth my money anymore. Mr. A and I do like to take the quizzes in the back, though. It's entertaining to see him measure how much of a guy magnet he is. (Note: He isn't.)

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Oh to Be a Muse said...

OMG! I had no idea Cosmo was so into va-jay-jays and orgasms. I don't think I've read it in a while (InStyle & Glamour are my guilty pleasures).

You're analyses were on point and funny, as usual!

Tights Lover said...

Hahahaha hilarious. Cosmo headlines do definitely make standing in line at the grocery store (almost) tolerable.

I must admit, I've read a couple of articles they've had on what men like/think/say and I'm pretty sure I agree 0% of the time. I'm not sure if this says more about me or the men they allegedly poll?

Angie said...

I have a love hate relationship with Cosmo. I love that it makes me laugh. I hate that people take this crap seriously! Kudos to you for doing what I love... tearing it apart! :)

Kim (A Very Sweet Blog) said...

That's why I stopped subscribing to that foolishness A LONG TIME AGO. HAHAHA Jennifer! Glamour is no better. Both are filled with JUNK! There's no way I could remember all of those positions. HAHAHAHA Funny post girl.
http://www.averysweetblog.com/

FashionJazz said...

This is so funny babe!! Missed your posts x:) x

Mabel said...

Hahaha this is the best post! I love/hate Cosmo. I think they have too many articles about how to please your man. Guys have it so easy already in the orgasm department. They should have more articles for girls to give to their boyfriends and husbands about pleasing your lady! Just sayin.'

And the secret to my "perfect hourglass figure" is... nothing! Thanks mom and dad! BUT I'm pretty much covered in cellulite from the neck down so it's not all that great. Seriously, it's so gross, you'd be horrified to see me naked!

Mabel
Mabel Time

The Closet Shopper said...

I am still puzzled and laughing. But it's a nervous laughter. And definitely on the side of, "Wait...WHAT?"

I've always cringed at the articles in Cosmo. I don't get it.

Thanks for the laughs. And thank you for coming over and leaving such a sweet comment. You made my day.

Tracy

Dina's Days said...

I hate Cosmo. And I hate Glamour too. Recently, Glamour had a headline that read: everything you need to know about sex. Who the hell is their audience?

BlueVanilla said...

HA! Cosmo is great...one of the most dirtiest reads all month!
xx

Hot Pink Day
Shop Blue Vanilla

Julie @ ROJ Running said...

Wow some of that stuff I just shake my head and wonder why. But apparently there is a following.

Fashion Tales.... said...

haha, OMG! I have not seen a Cosmo in a very long time. Loved your humour in this post.

On another note, just think these people are getting paid for writing this ... oh my! Well, someone's reading it. lol :)

June said...

LMAO loved your disection of the magazine! As much as I love cosmo, I agree that they always have so much bullshit too!!
xx
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quixotic.knight said...

Next time a chic asks me how to make it to the cover of Cosmo I am gonna tell her to ask her guy not to change his underwear for three months or more , lol........

How awesome are you?? :P

-The Knight