Today was the saddest day of my life.
Rian and I attended my friend's wedding this evening. It was lovely. It was dark and inimate. It was in a small art studio downtown with burning candles and shadows. My friend (who I have known since kindergarten) was gorgeous. Jessica wore a simple white gown and light pink scarf. She was exquisite.
I had a few glasses of wine from the open bar. A piece of cake. I caught the bouquet. (I was very popular that evening). And as Rian and I slow danced that night I felt butterflies in my stomach. He was close to me and I was in love.
But things didn't end well.
On my way home, my dad called. Apparently I owe my credit card company $1,300 by March 5 . I owe rent in one week. I don't have money for both. Reality crashed on me fast. I listened to the transactions on the phone. (I was stunned, for the past month, I have spent nothing on cltohes!). But every transaction rang true. Groceries and gas have killed me. As I hung up the phone, it hit me hard. I was not going to be able to pay my credit card debt and my rent this month. I'm fucked.
Why? Well, I'm living with Rian. He graduated Dec. 10 and has still not found a job. So, for the past couples months, I have been paying everything. Rent, gas, groceries, eating out. For two people. When I brought this up to him tonight, he got mad. Very mad.
I'm not going to go into details. I don't need people calling the police on him. He's sorry for what he did.
But it hit me that a future with him is what I'm feeling right now. He has hurt me repeatedly for different reasons in the past two years and that will never go away. And he feels no remorse for any of it. He told me so.
So what am I doing with a man who isn't treating me like a princess? What am I doing with a man who hurts me?
I don't know. I just caught the bouquet.