Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You're the One for Me, Fatty...



I am turning into the Marshmallow Man.

It’s quite sad, actually. In the past year I have gone up two sizes—from a 0 to a 4. I am five feet tall, so this is a major jump.

I think it’s a mixture of all the stress from work, lack of shopping funds, my dad being an asshole, and my boyfriend’s never-ending depression. The only happiness I get in life these days is biting into a slice of pizza.

It was a beautiful day today, so I decided to wear my light blue shirt dress (Gap). To my dismay, the dress wouldn’t button up. It was too tight. So I decided to try my light gray Calvin Klein sleeveless dress but it wouldn’t zip up. Same goes for my dark beige CK dress, little black Audrey-inspired dress (Ann Taylor), and my Ralph Lauren denim skirt.

I was horrified. My only pair of jeans which still fits me (Delia's) was covered in mud and in the laundry basket. My skirts and suits were at the dry cleaners. I was screwed. I ended up wearing my hot pink-and-gold striped tight-fitted party dress from Express. I looked like I was going clubbing, instead of going to work. So I draped myself in a black trench coat, which I vowed to keep on all day.

When I got to Chipotle to meet my dad for lunch, I took the coat off. My dad gaped at me in horror. “My god,” he said. “You look like a Polish sausage wrapped in a candy wrapper.”

I wanted to cry.

He went on to say my trench coat was too tight as well. And that I didn’t care about my body and was turning into an obese person and I would be lucky to make it as a plus size model on America’s Next Top Model. He was so disgusted and it made me so sad.

So I called Rian to cry but he didn’t feel sorry for me. “I eat to live but you and your dad live to eat. You spend every lunch deciding what you’re going to have for dinner.” And I couldn’t even pretend to argue, because it’s true. In fact, at lunch today not only did Dad and I exchange what we were having for dinner tonight (he’s having spaghetti with mom and I’m going to Cupini’s with Nadine), but we also planned out where we were going for lunch tomorrow and deciding what to have for dinner the next day.

So really, this is all my dad’s fault. How dare he.

But he’s in shape and I’m not. So I have to figure out what to do about ME. Should I start smoking (Kerrie did and she looks fab) or stop eating (my mom did and at 50, she’s three times skinner than me) or should I start exercising (even though I can’t afford to join a gym)?

What should I do???

7 comments:

Kair Bear said...

You will never be the marshmallow man. EVER.
Please don't go on one of your moms weird liquid "clean out the fridge" diets!
If you must go on a liquid diet go on a wine only diet and I will join you.
Please don't start smoking, because you will die. I only do it because I plan on being wealthy enough to buy a cure for cancer.

You are fab, gorgeous, a size four, and if you really must, you will shrink.
It's shape not size....
You have form.

That makes me really effing upset.
Do you want me to join you and your dad for lunch and call him names.
I will.
Hey, Do I get to be the Michelin man? Pretty please? With Splenda on top?
I'm done now. Thanks.

Victoria C said...

Aw girl size four is NOT big! I'm a size four in many clothes too.
There are healthy ways to enjoy food - I am a huge food lover and for me the key is portion control. I order whatever I want, but I make sure I eat slowly so that I know when I'm full and don't over eat.
That's the best advice I can give, but size 4 is skinny, many many supermodels are a size 4. you're gorgeous xo

Diamonds in the dark said...

i know exactly what you mean, except my mum is 'doing her mothers duty' and tries to fatten me up every time i go home- but she doesnt reliase that that drives me away from home!!

Sometimes dads can be absolute crapbags. mine used to call me and my sister 'fat' etc, we've both lost weight but he'll still bitch and moan if we eat too much at home..

the only weight loss tips i have are:
discover diet coke and get addicted
same goes for coffee
sweetner instead of sugar
skimmed milk or no milk
when having a sweet craving, get on the low calorie hot chocolate
embrace fruit and veg- u can stuff yourself stupid on them!
no carbs :( or just rice/rice cakes
dont eat after 6pm....

but i definitely live to eat... food is usually 80% on my mind...
but dont smoke! when u wanna quit in the future, then you'll eat to sedate the craving... bad times.

xxxxxx

Morena Doll said...

Haha thanks Jennifer!

P.S. If you think size four is big, you need a reality check.
SIZE FOUR IS A MODEL SAMPLE SIZE. Trust me, I would know right? ;)

La Femme Chic said...

Oh god! That was so mean of your Dad! :(
That made me sad.
Size 4 is not fat by any means. Even though it seems like it is because you're petite. (In the words on of Chelsea Handler, being tall means that "there are more places for that muffin to go."

Anyway, smoking causes cancer.
Not eating is just not a good idea.
I vote for exercise. Who needs a gym? Get free exercise videos on youtube. Cardio works miracles for calorie burning.
I have a weird way of remembering random health facts. Like not eating for over 4 hours cause muscle to turn into fat.
Random right?

-Drink water like you're lost in the Sahara desert
-Lettuce is your friend. So are vegtables in general but especially lettuce.
-Carbs are needed for exercise
though the amount can be limited if needed during periods of low exercise..
-Sugar intake is not the best if the tummy region is a problem area

I have other strange health facts but I'll stop now since I writing a book here. But don't stress too much about being a size 4.
Just take care of yourself!

The Gates' said...

Oh, Jen...you are not FAT! Your dad is SHORT! So, there!

JenBen said...

No Jenny-Benny! You are gorgeous and a size 4 is not fat unless I am fat too! Also, please don't start smoking :-)