Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Depressed ramblings and a blog award
I have been hopelessly depressed lately.
I haven’t been blogging about it too much because I don’t want to scare away my online friends. And I haven’t been talking about it much to my friends at home because I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer.
It just seems like everything in my life right now is falling apart. I spent every penny of my life savings a year ago on a car that wasn’t worth it. I am now spending the money I have saved since then to fix the car’s air conditioner. I don’t have a penny to my name.
But it’s not so much the money troubles that are bothering me. It’s everything else.
I’m clinging to a job that doesn’t excite me anymore and has no possibility of a financial rise.
I’m in love with someone who isn’t sure he ever wants to get married or have children.
Most of my close friends live in other parts of the country and my best friend who does live here has her own troubles.
I can’t even go home to cry.
My father disowned me the minute I moved out because a single girl living on her own is a shame to the family.
He’s disgusted with my job because it makes only a fraction of what he does in a month.
He thinks I’m fat.
He hates my boyfriend and tells me so every day.
And my mom doesn’t defend me. She’s so tired of it by now, she just lets him have at it.
In addition, I feel like I’m going through some kind of syndrome. The twenty-something girl’s syndrome? Nothing in my life is as it should be. When I was in high school, I had big plans and goals and dreams.
I imagined myself a young newlywed at 25. Or perhaps a glamorous fashion magazine writer, traveling the world for stylish feature stories.
But no, I’m stuck in a job I used to love. I’m a news reporter for a dying industry.
I’m nowhere close to getting married. I don’t think I’m ready yet anyway.
I’m just scared that if this road keeps winding in the direction I’m headed, I’m going to end up 40, single, and childless. Oh, and stuck in this same cubicle. And living in the same tiny apartment.
I’m sorry for rambling. If you were sweet enough to read this entire thing, I thank you tremendously. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Hopefully I can make a change in my life for the better, but I’m still looking for that opportunity to knock on my door…
On a happier note, I received this blog award from my dear friend Morena. She has an awesome blog and if you haven't already checked it out, I highly suggest you do.
I pass this award on to all my followers.