A few months ago, I did a post about my top five favorite television hotties.
Now, it's my turn to tell you about my top five television female crushes. Well, crush may be the wrong word. You see, I kind of want to BE these characters. They are so fabulous, I would do anything to be in their shoes. (And in a few cases, I mean that literally).
Here we go:
Brenda Walsh, Beverly Hills 90210
Shannen Doherty became the face of the 90s when "Beverly Hills, 90210" hit the small screen. Her character, Brenda, is a realistic mix of sweetness, cuteness, girl-next-door-ness, and awesomeness. I'm not gonna lie: she's a bit stuck up, takes everything a waaaay bit too seriously, and is quick to be bitchy when she's defending herself (which is, like, all the time). But hey, we all have flaws. Hers are just fabulous, that's all.
Bonus: Her boyfriend is super hottie Dylan.
Drawback: Her twin brother is super hottie Brandon. Sigh.
Gabrielle Solis, Desperate Housewives
I honestly think Eva Longoria is one of the most beautiful women in the world. Her only flaw is being too gorgeous, perhaps. The same can be said for her bitchy, helplessly snobby housewife persona, Gabrielle. Obsessed with designer clothes and always clad in stilettos, Gabrielle is everything I want to be. And more. Plus, she gets the best one-liners on primetime television. Anyone who can admit "being high maintenance is my only skill" and make it seem absolutely adorable is a hero in my book.
Bonus: She's fucking fabulous.
Drawback: She's stuck in the suburbs.
Chrissy Snow, Three's Company
Suzanne Somers made being a dumb blonde the coolest thing in the world back in the mid-1970s. With her shiny, perfect hair and fun retro outfits, Chrissy Snow is by far the cutest character in Three's Company. Even when she gets utterly confused by something so simple, or twists her sentences around in a dizzying array, she still manages to be a delight. You can't say that about too many people. Being dumb was never more fun!
Bonus: She gets to live with hottie Jack Tripper.
Drawback: Her lack of intelligence often gets her into sticky situations.
Kelly Kapowski, Saved By the Bell
Tiffani Amber Thiessen portrayed Kelly, the ultimate Teen Dream, on America's favorite Saturday morning special. When I was in elementary school, I perceived Kelly as the All-American Girl. She was beautiful, popular, head cheerleader, and had a smile that could brighten Alaska during winter. I wanted to be her. Badly.
Bonus: All the guys at Bayside High School are in love with her.
Drawback: Even with her pick of the guys, she ends up marrying gel-head Zack Morris.
Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development
She may not be the prettiest or youngest character, but this matriarch of the formerly wealthy, currently dysfunctional Orange County Bluth family can hold her own with anyone. Lucille, played by veteran actress Jessica Walter, is not afraid to tell people how much they suck and judge them with one snide look, all while polishing off a martini and a piece of toast at 9 a.m.
Bonus: Her days are spent drinking liquor and looking fabulous.
Drawback: Her family is bankrupt and her husband is in jail.
So...those are my choices. What do you think? Which television gals do YOU want to be?
Dumbo Arts Festival 2014
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