Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Christmas List (Scrooge Style)

I don't understand people who like Christmas.

It's not because I'm against it or because I practice another religion, it's more like I've never really known a life where Christmas spirit exists.

I'm not particularly religious, I have no extended family members or friends who visit, I have no desire to stuff my fat body with more food, and I hate snow.

Oh, and holidays with my parents aren't exactly...jolly.

For 26 years, I have usually spent the day listening to my parents fight over everything (my mom's cooking, their bad choice of gifts for each other, which neighborhood church to crash for Christmas service, etc.).

When I was little, I used to stare out our living room window at the happy families across the street enjoying Christmas magic. In their living room windows, I could see children, parents, and grandparents glowing with joyful smiles, admiring a beautifully lit tree, and hugging each other. It all seemed so cozy and sweet, compared to what I had to endure. I compensated my unhappiness by playing with the fabulous, elaborate presents my father would buy me. (The ONLY benefit of being an only child in an upper-middle class family).

But these days I don't even have the presents to comfort me.

My dad stopped giving me Christmas and birthday presents four years ago. (My punishment for dating a guy he doesn't like). My mom, bless her heart, gives me the same bath spray which has been piling up in my linen closet for the past five years. It has been a really long time since I've exchanged decent presents with anyone.

Well, I am so beaten down and penniless this year, that I have gone beyond wanting material things for Christmas (or my birthday, which is two days later).

Here is MY grown-up Christmas list. If I can just get ONE of these things, life will be a little happier this holiday season.

1. If you know me personally (i.e. a facebook friend, a real friend, or, I don't know, you conceived me) don't ask me every single day if I have found a job yet. Believe me, when I find a job, you will be the FIRST PERSON TO KNOW. There will be facebook statuses about my new job. There will be a blog post about my new job. I will call you to tell you the news. I will e-mail you. Chances are, you will be sick of hearing about my new job. Please stop asking, because every time you ask me, I die a little inside. It reminds me that I pretty much suck as a person. Thanks.

2. Dear Frat Boy Who Lives in the Apartment Across From Me: Please close your window and/or shut your blinds at night. I am SO TIRED of glancing outside my bedroom window and catching you masturbate to internet porn. Again. With the lights on. Because next time, I will video you and put it on youtube and tag your name to it. Not kidding.

3. I would really appreciate it if my hand could stop grabbing food and my mouth could stop chewing it. This midnight snacking is getting kind of ridiculous. Put down the fucking goldfish crackers! ABORT! ABORT! SPIT OUT NOW! No, do NOT swallow. Nooooo!...somebody please tazer me next time.

4. If you love me, at least laugh at my jokes once in a while. Humor is all I have going for me right now. My looks are fading. My figure has expanded. My intelligence left a long time ago. Could you...at least pretend? I'll take a fake laugh over a blank stare at this point.

5. Be nice to to me. Don't cut me off in traffic because I'm only going five over the speed limit. Don't expect me to bend over backwards for you for the millionth time when you won't even return the favor. Don't ignore me while I'm pouring my heart out to you. Please, just be nice.

I could go on forever, but I'll spare you.

I don't think Santa can bring me these presents...

Oh, and for those of you who skimmed over this post because you either don't care or you don't want to leave your happy Christmas bubble (and I really don't blame you), here is a photo of a Christmas puppy to stare at. Enjoy!

69 comments:

daisychain said...

I read the post, all of it. I wish I could grant your wishes x

The Shanner of Attention said...

please put frat boy on youtube. that would be your christmas present to me. HAHAHAHAHA.

you're funny. way funny.

Jennifer said...

Dude! goldfish are my weakness... I have to eat the whole bag... there's no snacking on a few and walking away. I will march right back to that bag and annihilate it. I'd suggest buying the 100cal packs.. but it's a lie. I eat the entire box of those =) bad

also.. i agree with the job questioning. The next person that asks me if I found or am looking for a job.. is getting a evil look. I don't give them out often... but when it do.. oh man!

i love that blogging allows us to rant and vent and even brag (the few times we can't help ourselves. hehe!) =) and i totally identify with ya chica!

xoXOxo
Jenn @ Peas & Crayons

Vikki said...

Oh Jen! I wish I could do something to make you feel better!
You truly are a great person, and it makes me so sad to see you like this. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, and above all to love yourself.

As for the fratboy thing, that really made me LOL. Please, put him on YouTube and I'll personally make sure he gets visit from across the Ocean too! :D

Lots of love flying your way from Italy.

xxx
Vikki

http://stylometre.blogspot.com

mariahsmile said...

I can totally understand how all those things are annoying. An adult list item of mine would be to stop having to repeat myself.
Maybe you could go make dinner or just bake some cookies at a Ronald McDonald House or serve at a shelter nearby to get you in the Christmas spirit! I always feel like giving gets me all warm and fuzzy!

Mouthwash said...

Ok girl, we need to get you out of this funk. Self loathing is not good!! I say, be your own Santa this year. Ignore the parents, tell them they're giving you an uncler, and then go for a long walk. Use the word "no" a lot. Smile when people start talking about something you could care less about. Tell people "I'm busy. I have a fabulous date" and then go home, light a candle, and sit down with yourself. After all, you are Jennifer Fabulous, no?

And, what's this? You have a facebook! Let's be friends!!

Amber
ambersmouthwash

JUST ME said...

Oh sweetie your looks aren't fading! You're 26 and heading into the prime of your LIFE. You are beautiful.

Send me your address. I'm going to need to force my holiday cheer on you one hippie present at a time...

~J

Andrés Corella said...

Its really bad this things happen to you..but first I must say you are beautiful your looks aren´t fading!...oh and I totally join the team that says put damn frat boy on youtube...annoying things happen all the time its just a matter of telling them to F$&$% off...it may sound selfish but in the end is you that matter, if you find a job already or not is your problem...and you have all the right of saying that to anybody who asks...and if you aren´t recieving the proper attention from that particular person well he got two options drop a laugh...or just drop dead!..its important not to let others affect you..because they have their own lives and they did what they needed to do in their time...and you will do the same in yours and under your conditions and no one can say anything about it!...the presents you want..you can give them to yourself its just a matter of saying...you know what? Hell with everything Imma do it My Way...if you are ok with that then cool..if you dont..shut it..btw the puppy is too damn cute haha

http://fiercepty.blogspot.com/

xx
Andy

Branislava said...

most original wish list that I recently read ... and so honest and true!that I called: great post!

Branislava said...

And one thing more, thank you for visiting my blog and lovely comment!I am your follower, and I will be glad to see you among my followers!
All the best!

Alisha said...

Kinda sad, to read that you don't enjoy Christmas. Hope everything turns out better.

http://fascinationforfashion-akm.blogspot.com/

tanvii.com said...

Dear Jennifer, I am not quite sure how to respond to your post. I am sorry that so many things are stressing you out ... and I wish that all your wishes will com true. On top of that I wish that you would find what you are looking for in life 'coz once you do all these things will stop bothering [may be]. Lots and lots of love! :)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Well, I had bought you a new iPad, but instead I'm going to just close my blinds at night.

Tights Lover said...

I actually echo most of your sentiments about Christmas (even though I've shamelessly posting my xmas list as a blogging gimmick). It's funny how it goes from being such an exciting holiday as a kid to such a source of stress as an adult (at least for me, and apparently for you too).

I can also say that I've given you #4 off of your list...many, many times, as a matter of fact. As recently as last Friday I was sitting at my desk laughing way too loudly at your comment from my post.

I hope that makes you feel a little bit better at least :) (and no, I won't say merry Christmas).

Christopher said...

As of this morning the U.S. Postal service has in it's possession a package headed towards containing four very grown up books. I'm not sure if they count as presents but I think you'll like them.

Since I was born on Christmas and all I do have to say it's my favorite holiday.

Hot Cake Fashion said...

A little bit of Christmas is okay, isn't it? I think it's about sharing a great dinner togheter and for the kids, yes..it's all about those kids:-)I'll wish you a great New Year instead:-)Big Hugs! Alice

Venus In Virgo said...

Thoughtful post as usual :) I get what your saying but I'm worrying about you. Get happy,dance barefoot for no reason. Lift yourself out of funky moods lol! You are reminded me of myself a few years back, I really had it bad but all things pass and you'll get back into your f=groove XOXO

Mint Scented Kerrie said...

I miss my puppy. I love you. Sorry I've been MIA the past week. But know that I love you... and we're going to have the bestest Xmax ever. For realz. xoxoxo -your bestie.

Pop Champagne said...

awwww! I wish your wishes will come true, and I can't stop grabbing food too. my parents were never big on christmas so when I was younger it was always a disappointment

Imogen said...

I don't really like Christmas either. I used to when I was a child and my parents always go to a lot of trouble to make it enjoyable but I feel as though I'm over it now. I also feel pressure to spend time with my parents when I don't want to and when I want to spend trouble with my bf and his family. My family situation is complex and I think that Christmas stresses me out even more. I'm sorry you haven't had the best past experiences with Christmas and I wish I could make it better for you. I totally understand all the items on your wish list. Thanks for your last comment on my blog. I think you have some good advice. I guess I'm tired of feeling like my life is not going anywhere. I'm getting older and nothing is happening. I want to make a life for myself and I want to move in with my bf and these sorts of things. I need money for these things. Its unsatisfying and depressing feeling like nothings happening. When I finished reading your comment I thought wow I love Jennifer she is the best friend ever. I'm so pleased I can talk to you about anything.

Mary said...

Thanks for stopping by and for your comment:)
Your blog is very cute,I added to your followers:)
Have a nice week
xx Mary
fashionteaat5.blogspot.com

Sydnie said...

HAHA the frat boy ... your family sounds a lot like my extended family. I know how you feel. Your posts always make me laugh. I hope you have a nice holiday, regardless of your past experiences! :)

Sydnie
www.takemeouttotherunway.blogspot.com

Marissa said...

Aww! I wish I could buy you a cupcake right now. I don't celebrate Christmas, so it takes all of the stress out of it. Chinese food and a movie for me! Jewish Christmas rocks.

The Style Realist said...

omg at #2!! But seriously, sounds like the holidays really are stressful for you...maybe you should try giving yourself a ritual around the holiday season, something that you look forward to, so that this time of the year isn't so gloomy :(

www.thestylerealist.blogspot.com

btd. said...

I'm sorry to hear about your bad Christmas experiences.
I can't wait to see that youtube video though, that could make you happy from all the views you'll get from it.
And maybe at night drink something sweet instead of eating something? Like soda or coffee with A LOT of french vanilla or whatever you like. I know it's still fattening, but you feel less guilty, promise.
Btw, I LOVE YOU! I know I keep saying this but it really will be okay. :)

indianmakeupways said...

oh jen, I always love reading ur posts, so, ofcourse I went through all of it and if I could I would definitely grant ur wishes.....but I cant....so I hope things will turn out the way you want after some time. eventhough u dont like christmas, i would like to wish u a good christmas(don't throw anything at me lol) and a happy new year. may u get the bestest job this coming year.

Heather Taylor said...

Jen, I'll wish for you with you to get the job of your dreams this Christmas. There's always a little magic in the holiday season to go around...fa la la la la :) Fingers crossed!

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Just hugs lady, just hugs. I can totally relate and owe you an e-mail and a post.

styleforlife said...

ALL are granted, you will get everything you want and more lady!!!! :-)
Create it and it shall happen.
XXX to you- Emily from EL Vintage

PS- Come enter in my vintage giveaway....I would love for you to be apart of it...you are DARLING! xxxxx

Fati said...

Hi Jennifer,

I came across your blog while surfing fashion blogs a while back. I've been following it since. You are an extremely engaging writer, and seem like such a likeable, lovely person. I decided to write today because I just wanted you to know that I think you're very strong, and that you'll get through these hard times. I went through a very severe depressive episode after having a terrible two years, kind of like you seem to be having right now. But it got better. What i think you have going for you that most people on this planet don't is that you don't seem to hold grudges. You don't seem bitter. This is a remarkable trait. Please hang on to it.

In the meanwhile, maybe I have no right to offer this as advice, but it's what helped me: fill up part of your time with a goal that you can slowly and constructively progress towards. A cool one might be to do the couch to 5k program or some other fitness goal. Do it slowly, but work at it everyday. You will feel so much better about yourself and it will boost your ability SO much to get through these tough times.

Warmly,
Fati

SMASH said...

omg #1 ALL THE WAY. I hate when people ask that! I also think people over idealize Christmas and the holidays too much. I mean, I do like it and all but gosh--some people get psychotic around this time!

xx
MILK TEETHS

E... said...

I really understand and agree with you :)

http://fashiondoesntexist.blogspot.com/

Audrey Allure said...

Haha, I have the same problem with eating now that I'm on vacay from college. Being stuck at home all I do is snack!

Robin said...

Ha, no job questions- deal! The rest I can't super help with, but let me know if you think of a way I can!

Cheer up kid! You are way too fun and smart and sweet and pretty and just good to be so down on yourself. I like you so much!

Rachel said...

Aww! Honestly, I completely understand why you don't like Christmas if that's how things were growing up. It's so sad to hear that because Christmas is my favorite holiday! You need to think positive! And if you want to enjoy Christmas, make the most out of it! Make it a point to make Christmas a fun time of year because it really can be amazing.

Things will get so much better for you. Know that. And as for that frat boy, well, go for it! Put him on Youtube and embarrass the shit out of him!

Dina's Days said...

I know you're having a rough year, sounds a lot like me in 2009. Keep your head up, things always let up. As for your frat boy neighbor...don't think I can help you there my friend :)

Kristin said...

Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry. I hope a beautiful Christmas miracle comes your way!

Melanie's Randomness said...

You should put the guy in the apartment on youtube. Oh Jen I wish I could give you everything in the world. *hugs*

Fashion Court said...

i have to admit - i'm a huge fan of christmas but with everything going on in my life i'm not really feeling it this year either...but i'm trying to get in the spirit. but don't worry you're not alone :)

Elaine said...

Oh, Jennifer.. I'm sorry you don't like this time of year! Especially because Christmas is an in-your-face holiday. My family never really celebrated it - it's not a big deal for Asians either. But we're Christians so I guess my parents felt like they had to.

www.clothedmuch.com

Rachel {Inspiration in Italy} said...

Jennifer,

The part I can relate to the most is the job. I remember when I lost my job, and later when my husband lost his job...and certain family members of my husband were ALWAYS asking us if we have "found a job yet." Don't you love the phrasing too? YET. Of course you will all know when he finds a job!

Also, you are a gifted and engaging writer...witty and hilarious with an amazing way with words. Always wishing the best for you in your life!

xoxo
Rachel

OceanDreams said...

I soon will understand about the job part, and when I do I will be coming here to bask in jobless glory with you! j/k. Oh my gosh your neighbor, he must be out of his mind. I get the munchies all of the time. My weakness?? Chocolate. Watch out.

Sophia said...

I love the beginning, middle, and ending. I'm sorry, I wish you could be really happy. I partly know how you feel, seeing as how I'm not getting Christmas presents this year. I hope you have a great Christmas regardless. xo

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