Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My Dating Disasters (Part I)

There is a part of my life I would rather not remember.

But we can't forget everything, can we?

You see, up until four years ago, I managed to date every single douchebag within a 25 mile radius.

I'm not sure if I gravitated towards them, or if I attracted them like flies. Probably both.

Obviously, that portion of my life is over. So I guess there is no harm in sharing them now.

Here are a couple of my stories:

The Pseudo Scot

My sophomore year of college, I was struggling with a heavy bout of depression. I didn't like myself or anyone else. But for some reason, I started hanging out with a guy named David. This guy was tall, thin, and had a red goatee. We met at an open mic poetry reading at a coffee shop right off campus. He was wearing a tight black turtleneck and a black beret and black plastic glasses (which I later found out were merely a fashion accessory, since he had perfect vision).

David wooed me with his emo-angst rantings about how the world was filled with emptiness and the human race was devoid of love. He took me to every single poetry reading on campus and he would get so into them, he would start rocking back and forth, his eyes glassy. After each reading, he would discuss in minute detail the symbolism behind every poem, without ever asking my opinion. When I offered my thoughts on the poems, he would get really mad and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about. It hurt my feelings. But I didn't care that I didn't like him very much, because I was so lonely.

A couple months after we we started dating, David spontaneously decided to quit school and move to Scotland to become a poet. I dropped him off at the airport and never saw or heard from him again.

Angry Brown Man

My ex's best friend had been obsessed with me for a long time. So, out of spite to my ex, I went out with him a few times. His name was Amir and he was the love child of an Afghanistan soldier and a German actress. But he identified mostly with his Afghanistan roots, even though his father abandoned him as a baby.

He was always mad because he thought everyone who interacted with him was racist. For example, we would go to a restaurant and as we were leaving, he would mutter, "those people were staring at me because I'm brown." As a deliciously coffee-colored person myself, I was very perplexed by his perception. I never saw anyone look at him rudely.

The last straw was when we were sitting outside at a cafe and an elderly couple approached him for directions to Radio Shack. Amir lost it. He screamed at the old couple, "Why the fuck would I know where the fucking Radio Shack is? Is it because I'm brown? You thought the brown man would know? Do you think I work there? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!" The poor elderly couple was confused and shaken and a bystander called the police.

When the police arrived, Amir started yelling at them and then he pushed an officer and then he got handcuffed. I watched him get escorted into the police car. He never even said goodbye. I had to pay for our expensive meal myself. We never spoke again.

Three years later, I discovered on Facebook that Amir had moved to Yemen for graduate school.

So, was I lucky to escape those guys or what?

What douchebags have you dated?

(In my next post, I will discuss two more douchebags! Yay!)


Marielleheart said...

Thanks babe! Following back!

Mouthwash said...

Oh my goodness. AAHH the fake glasses kill me. And, this poor confused Yemen grad student. Oh dear. Yes! So lucky to have escaped! I've had a douche bag or two. But i think I told you about him already!


Bonnie said...

I have been thinking about sharing my douchebag stories. I have quite a few. I have been dumped over AOL Instant Messenger - twice. I have been dumped by an ex-fiance (kind of) over a text message. I have been dated a closeted homosexual. I have dated a man who was arrested 3 times for assault.

The list goes on.

I love that we can relate so well to each other.
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Damsels said...

rocking bak and forth eyes glassy LMAO

complete douchebag.

i had a few i guess i would mention an ex who was a chef with extremely bad BO. like you mentioned i was depressed as well an didnt care too much about anything to notice that i didnt like him at all. everyone said he smelled like straight up garbage.

whenever iwudd press him to shower more often he just said that he ddint like showering . WTF? total 3 yr old response .

drollgirl said...

um, REALLY glad you are no longer with these morons! yeesh!

Miksu said...

Somehow this made me laugh out loud!! :D I hope that when I start dating (it's been quiet) I won't end up hanging out with guys like those!


Andrés Corella said...

Wow those are some bad dates...Amir (was that his name?) is a really troubled person...You are WAY off better without deserve much more

The Black Label

Couture Carrie said...

Darling, your stories are hilarious and heartwarming... Don't worry, Mr. Right will come your way just at the perfect moment :)


Shannon said...

I hope you don't mind that I take some humor in your past stories.

At least you can laugh about them now.

And I have a few doozies (is that a word) about some ex-bfs that could cause a lot of drama in the internet world.

Can't wait for Part II!

Belly B said...

Eeewwww... I'm so glad you're not with either anymore. Can't wait for part 2! You have such an exciting life lol

<3 Belly B

JUST ME said...

I am SO happy my era of Dbags is over. Seriously. Glad to see that yours is too.

Life is too short to waste with morons.

...At least they make good stories?

Marcia B. said...

girrrrrl i have my share of crazy stories lol Thanks for sharing with us! Gotta plow through the bad ones before you get to the good ones right?!

Maria Ramona said...

these stories are hilarious. one of my worst dates was with this one guy who took me out to eat and then when i was halfway done eating my dinner told the waiter to box up the rest of my meal so he could bring it home to his dog.

mirjam schuurkamp said...

so lovely too read this!
thanks for all the comments you always give me!

New outfit post ; Silver times

Venus In Virgo said...

HAHAHA! Love it! Douche bags seem to be around every corner... XOXO

-E- said...

i thought you dated closets. closets and d-bags?!

Josie said...

You have the scariest stories, Jen, honestly. And I thought that I'D been on some bad dates...
xo Josie

Sarah said...

This post nearly made me fall off my chair with laughter!

StyleID said...

I guess we all had 'that time' ... good thing is that looking back, those relations didn't get to grow much. But I can remember some funny moments with some 'Misters' as well.

Courtney Erin said...

Yikes, those two sounds like total asshats. I've actually been pretty lucky when it comes to dating - I can honestly say that only one guy I ever dated was an actually douche (I mean there were a few guys that were just aloof and things never went further than a date or two and they were kind of rude) but since we broke up like 10 years ago we've actually managed to become friends and his attitude has improved a thousand fold.

xoxo ~ Courtney

Stephanie said...

Is it insensitive that I laughed out loud when you said that you dated every douche bag in a 25-mile radius? I love the way that you word things! Sorry you've been so unlucky...

Punctuation Mark said...

that is just terrible... a good guy these days is so hard to find!

oystergirl said...

These are funny. I think we've all dated a few crazies!


Kristin said...

Yikes. You dodged some bullets sweets!



Not going to lie, this post freaks me out a little. I have yet to enter the dating circuit. Fingers crossed for when I do.

Maybe I'll keep my toes crossed, too. You know. Just in case.

Ashley/ MILK TEETHS said...

whhhaaattt the heckkk?!!! Omg so the first guy was basically wearing a beatnik costume when you first met (red flag) and the second guy was just...psychotic? Haha I love how you described yourself as a "deliciously coffee colored person", add a +1 to that club lady ;-)

Meri said...

hahaha- oh no.. I don't feel too bad laughing at these since you've "dodged the bullet," but yikes! Something tells me the "scot" is still a starving artist :)

♥ joei said...

Oh my. Those are crazy stories! :p

Definitely, Maybe

Fashion Cappuccino said...

Wow Jennifer! Sounds like quite an experience. I'm glad you no longer had to deal with them! I only had two boyfriends in my life and both of them were so nice in the beginnings but turned out to be horrible monsters in the end. The second (my last one was the worst). I'm going to do a post of all the things he said when he broke up with me. I'm usually hesitant to bad-mouth people but he was a total asshole. xoxoxoxo

A BRIT GREEK said...

Darl, we all have to go through the wrong ones to meet the right one, even if it does take forever - in my case it did. Now i realise i'm the luckiest lady alive!

Be patient o gorgeous one!

Sherin said...

We've all been there with awful guys! There was once a guy who I dated who had a gf, but he 'hated her', but felt bad about beraking up *rolls eyes*.
I laughed at David's description. Who wears fake glasses?

Loool, I've been out with an angry brown man...they're so paranoid and crazy!!
You're definitely lucky to escape these guys!!!

jos xx said...

lol this is so funny! love the way you narrate your experiences so well. I didn't date too many guys, i've been with my actual bf for about 7 years the stupid boys that came before him don't really count lol. but there are a few funny stories related to them, after all who doesn't have similar stories to share?

can't wait for the second part!

jos xx

ChiccaStyle said...

Oh my dear, your stories are simply amazing!!!Very talented!

The Blonde Duck said...

Oh Lord. There's so many. Do we talk about the guy obsessed with snakes and lizards or the college ROTC officer that wanted me to meet his mom and talked about marriage...when we weren't even dating?

Cafe Fashionista said...

I don't know why I love reading dating disaster stories so much; but these totally made my day! :)

Anonymous said...

very clever! and also accurate... just wanted to let you know i gave you a blogging award on my blog! stop by and check it out... congrats!

amy leah
the coquetiquette

Oh to Be a Muse said...

i'm really looking forward to hearing about the other 2 douches in your life. these two guys are crazy so i'm definitely happy that you are no longer involved with either of them.

Pop Champagne said...

omg he sounds horrible lol I mean yeah there has been a few times where I felt cheated because of my ethnicity but I was never as pissed as him or even got to that point! dude needs to take some prozak and smoke some pot or something lol

Tights Lover said...

Wow. Those are some insane stories. I'm guessing you're just as happy that neither of them reside in the same country as you any more!

I'm feeling like my love life was a bit vanilla now...hahaha. I once dated a girl who felt the need to remind me daily how much more money she had than I did. I would get daily emails from her updating me on what she bought that day and how much it the penny. I guess that's some pretty good douchebaggery...

Rachel said...

Wow! It's definitely good you got away from those guys. Lol. The first guy just sounds so weird. I mean, who randomly moves to Scotland to be a poet? Seriously? Why Scotland? o_O
And I absolutely cannot stand people who assume that everyone in this world is racist. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Tanvi said...

OMG! I can't believe this actually happened to you ... isn't it like out of some romcom starring Drew Barrymore? :P ... Though I am sorry that such horrible men happened in your life ... but at least you got a GREAT post out of it .... Love your writing!

♡ from ©

Mallory In New York said...

Psychopaths.... I think the ending to David's story was funny, though. :)

Ocean Dreams said...

Ha ha ha too funny! Or not. I can't believe Amir was so insecure with himself that he got handcuffed and taken away!

I have a few good stories, maybe I should tell them on my blog. You are bringing back good, bad, and funny memories. ;)

african dating said...

Those two are hilarious! and I now understand why your dating experience is a disaster after your blog. Well, you can't blame Amir when he scream the old couple because I guess he's very pissed off from those racist people!

The only mistake he've done is to left you alone and let you pay the expensive meal lol!

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