There is a part of my life I would rather not remember.
But we can't forget everything, can we?
You see, up until four years ago, I managed to date every single douchebag within a 25 mile radius.
I'm not sure if I gravitated towards them, or if I attracted them like flies. Probably both.
Obviously, that portion of my life is over. So I guess there is no harm in sharing them now.
Here are a couple of my stories:
The Pseudo Scot
My sophomore year of college, I was struggling with a heavy bout of depression. I didn't like myself or anyone else. But for some reason, I started hanging out with a guy named David. This guy was tall, thin, and had a red goatee. We met at an open mic poetry reading at a coffee shop right off campus. He was wearing a tight black turtleneck and a black beret and black plastic glasses (which I later found out were merely a fashion accessory, since he had perfect vision).
David wooed me with his emo-angst rantings about how the world was filled with emptiness and the human race was devoid of love. He took me to every single poetry reading on campus and he would get so into them, he would start rocking back and forth, his eyes glassy. After each reading, he would discuss in minute detail the symbolism behind every poem, without ever asking my opinion. When I offered my thoughts on the poems, he would get really mad and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about. It hurt my feelings. But I didn't care that I didn't like him very much, because I was so lonely.
A couple months after we we started dating, David spontaneously decided to quit school and move to Scotland to become a poet. I dropped him off at the airport and never saw or heard from him again.
Angry Brown Man
My ex's best friend had been obsessed with me for a long time. So, out of spite to my ex, I went out with him a few times. His name was Amir and he was the love child of an Afghanistan soldier and a German actress. But he identified mostly with his Afghanistan roots, even though his father abandoned him as a baby.
He was always mad because he thought everyone who interacted with him was racist. For example, we would go to a restaurant and as we were leaving, he would mutter, "those people were staring at me because I'm brown." As a deliciously coffee-colored person myself, I was very perplexed by his perception. I never saw anyone look at him rudely.
The last straw was when we were sitting outside at a cafe and an elderly couple approached him for directions to Radio Shack. Amir lost it. He screamed at the old couple, "Why the fuck would I know where the fucking Radio Shack is? Is it because I'm brown? You thought the brown man would know? Do you think I work there? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!" The poor elderly couple was confused and shaken and a bystander called the police.
When the police arrived, Amir started yelling at them and then he pushed an officer and then he got handcuffed. I watched him get escorted into the police car. He never even said goodbye. I had to pay for our expensive meal myself. We never spoke again.
Three years later, I discovered on Facebook that Amir had moved to Yemen for graduate school.
So, was I lucky to escape those guys or what?
What douchebags have you dated?
(In my next post, I will discuss two more douchebags! Yay!)