Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The WORST movies I've ever seen!

Over the past week, I have reviewed a couple films that I absolutely adored.

Now, I'm going to share five films I've seen in the past year that have made me shudder. They are the worst movies I have ever seen, whether by accident or complete misjudgement on my part. And when you read my categorized descriptions, you will see why.



In a nutshell: Joan Crawford says the word "sperm."

Premise: An anthropologist discovers a half-man, half-ape, who miraculously survived the Ice Age, and she attempts to domesticate him, much to the grief of local authorities.

Favorite quote: "You know what they'll say? They'll say that Trog has a very nasty temper. But what can you expect from a slimy beast? Go ahead, missing link -- if that's what you are you should be missing. You bloody monster!"

Additional thoughts: As a huge fan of the legendary Hollywood glamour queen Joan Crawford, I am appalled and dismayed that this poor-quality, laughable science-fiction film was her last job as an actress.

The Day of the Triffids (1981)

In a nutshell: Giant rhubarb attacks blind people.

Premise: In this 1981 BBC mini-series, a comet blinds everyone in the world and large carnivorous plants go on a human killing spree. Bill and Jo, two soulmates who find each other amidst the chaos, are among the very few humans left who still have sight. It is up to them to save the world!

Adaptations: This mini-series is actually one of several adaptations of the 1951 best-selling science fiction novel, of the same name. There is a 1962 film, a 2009 mini-series (co-starring Vanessa Redgrave and Jason Priestly, of all odd combinations), and an upcoming film version rumored to be directed by Spiderman box-office sensation, Sam Raimi.

Additional thoughts: If you have a soft spot for terrible special effects, cheesy dialogue, and unbelievable romantic chemistry, this mini-series will not disappoint.


In a nutshell: Sean Connery wears a red leather thong in a futuristic land.

Premise: In the future, Earth has two distinct social classes: barbarians who live in slave-like conditions, and psychic geniuses, who control everything. Zed (a barbarian) crosses over into the other world, discovering secrets which could destroy it.

Sex Ed: The beautiful actress Charlotte Rampling has a random, lengthy monologue about penises.

Additional thoughts: Sean Connery's plethora of body hair practically creates a second main character in the film.

Malibu High

In a nutshell: When good girls go bad.

Premise: A high school senior gets dumped by her boyfriend and she becomes so unhappy, her grades start to suffer. Naturally, the only solution to raising her grade point average is to seduce her male teachers. Which, of course, leads to drug addiction and prostitution. The only logical conclusion is for her to become an assassin for a kingpin mob boss.

Soft-core porn: There is nudity. And it's the 70s. So, in other words, it's kind of a disgusting mess.

Additional thoughts: I bought this VHS movie at a garage sale for 25 cents, thinking it was going to be a cute, thoughtless teen comedy. The box had no description to tell me otherwise. Needless to say, I was horrified when I eventually watched it.

They Saved Hitler's Brain

In a nutshell: Film student footage added to a really bad movie.

Premise: After World War II, Nazis hide Adolf Hitler's head in a remote South American country, so they can resurrect the Third Reich for the future.

Bad editing: In 1969, UCLA film students were asked to shoot additional footage for a science fiction movie which had been filmed a decade earlier. Filmmakers then fused the student footage with the professional footage, to create this film. Unfortunately, the student footage is not only excruciatingly terrible, but it doesn't match up with the older film footage AT ALL.

Additional thoughts: Despite its poor quality and incomprehensible plot, the film has achieved cult status, especially to the producers of The Simpsons. The animated television show mercilessly mocks this film throughout various episodes.

Have you seen any of these?!


Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

Now I can remove these films from my list;-)

Gayatri said...

Malibu High! I want to watch that one ... after 6 tequila shots!

Tanvi said...

Safely, I haven't seen them and won't after your post! :)

♡ from ©

anhesty said...

i'm glad i haven't wasted my time on any of these movies... lol

French Girl in Seattle said...

Girl. Where did you EVEN find these? I have never had the pleasure (misfortune?) of watching any of them. The picture of old Sean Connery cracked me up. Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

Shannon said...

Please add Troll 2 to that list. It has 0% on rotten tomatoes, yet it has a cult following. I think you would appreciate it. Ha!

Couture Carrie said...

Ha! These look terrible!
Fun post, darling!


Johanna said...

Oh my gosh... Those movies sound so weird :D

Tights Lover said...

I am so disappointed that I've never seen ANY of these. Except for the Connery-in-a-thong one. I'm perfectly okay with having never seen that.

I loved your 'in a nutshell' descriptions. I definitely want to see Trog. On the other hand I do NOT want to see The Day of the Triffids. I don't wanna be afraid of rhubarb!

You're just NOW following me?!? Actually, I'm glad you got a cool number like 200. You deserve it ;).

Stephanie said...

The Day of the Triffids is one of my all-time favourite books! So campy and sexist...but hey, it was written in the 50s, right? Love that book. Haven't seen the movie though.

Musa said...

Just by seen those stills... lol

Mouthwash said...

LOL!!!! I have never seen - or heard, of any of these! I love you all the more though for even knowing about these, and wanting to watch them.

You know what my favorite "bad" movie is? Electric Boogaloo 2. Love it. Can't get enough of it. I watch it like 5 times a year, and have been since I was...born??

"Sean Connery's plethora of body hair practically creates a second main character in the film." <- that just killed me. LOL

Shybiker said...

No... and you couldn't pay me to watch them!

These, at least, are obvious disasters. What's harder to swallow are mainstream films that you think are going to be good, that you spend real money to see, and then disappoint. We need to be warned about those, too.

Josie said...

xo Josie

Meri said...

hahaha I cannot stop laughing at some of these posters. The worst movie I've ever seen was "Ice Cream Man" with Ron howard's brother starring. Awful.

Swarnali said...

Thanks for the warning!! I didn't watch any of them and now will never try to!!

Popcorn, Pugs & Peonies said...

Wow....still trying to put my thoughts together here. I can't really get passed Sean Connery. I love it that you actually watched each of these and reviewed them.


Mimi said...

oh gosh, judging from these photos and the movie posters and what you said, i am definitely not gonna watch these movies. :/

<3, Mimi

Nicole✗✗ said...

oh my goodness! I haven't seen any of these which appears to be a good thing, haha!! However, I must say that some of these seem unintentionally funny. : )

Sam said...

Hahaha, as usual, love all your posts. I didn't even know these movies existed (but then thats a good thing). You poor dear were subjected to watch them!

Dan Perez said...

Who sits through "Trog"? Wow.

Cafe Fashionista said...

I have never so much as heard of any of these, let alone seen them! :P

Kim (A Very Sweet Blog) said...

LOL! I haven't seen any of them. Poor Joan! Why did she do that film? Probably money. She was always so selective about scripts. Great and funny reviews girl.

Ameena said...

Thank goodness I haven't seen any of these! I've seen my fair share of bad movies though...

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

I haven't seen any of these, but thanks to you, I FEEL like I did, and I also feel like I learned something today. Something about Sean Connery in a red diaper.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. I've never seen any of those bad movies, nor do I want to, although I have seen that picture of Sean Connery and it haunted me for a long time!

The worst films I've ever seen were Black Sheep, The Village and Teeth.. avoid like the plague!

Bhav x

A BRIT GREEK said...

Oh my, what bad time spent! The Zardog film looks hilarious, Sean at his worst perhaps? It's safe to say I have seen none of these... You can probably add The Thing to this list.

p.s glad you liked the Barbie post!

btd. said...

I haven't seen any of these - thank goodness! xD

The serial shopper said...

Thanks for your nice comment!

Funny post! :)


Fashion Tales.... said...

I will just take your word for these, thanks for saving us all. :)

azu said...

I have not seen any of those lol. There are two movies I was thinking of when I read the title of this blog that I thought would show up to this list. The One with Jet Li is horrible, don't ever watch it. Not Another Dance Movie is even worse. It's really horrible when they use all of the funny bits in the movie for the trailer.


Chyrel Gomez said...

Where do you get all these movies? This post is hilarious! :)

socialitedreams said...

that sean connery pic will haunt the rest of my days *weeping* seriously, where in the world did you even find most of these? never heard of them

Maynard Morrissey said...

I've seen They Saved Hitler's Brain, and YES... it's definitely one of the worst movies ever made :)

June said...

ROFL you make me wanna watch these now

aquarium supplies said...

hahaha! what a nice selection of pure crap!