I'm in my late 20's, with a journalism career that pays pennies. I live in a tiny apartment with my guitar-playing, poetry-writing boyfriend. I'm surrounded by my gay best friends. I've gained 15 pounds since college. I have charmingly insane parents who live five minutes away and call me 10 times a day.
Every weekend, I go out with my artsy, single friends and drink pink cocktails while I entertain them with humorous stories from my week.
Actually, the more I write it down, the more I realize I don't have it SO bad. But still.
I'm sick of being stuck in this bubble.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, without trying to figure mine out.
I've spent the past two years trying to write a book. I have so many stories typed out, spread out on different computers. Some are even the same stories, just written in different tones. And I'm not satisfied with any of them. In fact, I hate them.
It's just frustrating that I spend most of my day writing news stories, that by the time I want to write for myself, I feel dried up. My creativity is expired. I just want to sleep.
And because I spend so much time writing for work and pleasure, I don't have time to work out. Like, in a gym. Hell, I can't even afford a gym.
I just wish there was more time in the day. I just need a couple more hours to do the things I want to do.
But for the past six years, my life has been the same. Write for work. Write for pleasure. Laugh with friends. Go to bed. Repeat.
The lack of time in the day makes me want to scream. I want to lose 15 pounds. I want to finish this fucking book. I want to live life, instead of watching it pass me by.
But instead, I'm going to cry about it and then get back on the hamster wheel.
Because I'm too tired to do anything else.
27 comments:
I know how you feel. When I first started my blog, I thought I was going places: I had two internships, one at the museum, the other in fashion pr. I was on the verge of graduating..heading off to France, and then I did. And it fell apart.
And I feel like I have gone nowhere.
I'm still saving for France, still blogging, and the mundane of it all is killing me.
Amber
Amber's Mouthwash
Jen... At least you have a career. I'm about to graduate college and am in a total panic.
xo Josie
Girl, this is exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm stuck in this bubble. Everyday same routine and I'm sick of it.
If you were a film director instead of journalist, we'd be living the same life. I know how you feel, I'm struggling with the exact same things and don't have a clue how to make it better. I've written several scripts and a million versions of the one I love the most. And then I stopped because I was tired from my day work and just life in general. And when I read it all now, I hate it.
At least you don't live with your parents anymore :)
Mmmm... that's precisely why I don't turn my sewing into a business. Maybe you could pursue a line of work that requires no creativity whatsoever? It sounds like a crap thing to do but your skills could really benefit from it. I work in admin, which is really bland, but I don't burn my brain out doing it and my creativity isn't blown.
I've had this feeling before as well though. It will pass, which I know is completely unhelpful, so don't do anything stupid in the meantime :)
Don't worry about a tv team entering your house and recording your life for their benefits. Since you live in such a tiny flat you're safe.
I feel I have been living the SAME life for the last 5 years to. The only difference is that I do not have any friends or family to hang out with the end of the day. So from where I stand you have it better Jen!
But I do know what you mean, sometimes we want change but we don't know how exactly to achieve it.
∞ © tanvii.com ∞
For the record, if the life stories you tell us are even remotely true, your life (albeit repetitive and not exactly fulfilling to you) would be way better than any SATC episode. So, at least you're entertaining me? That's something. :)
I totally understand!
Being stuck in a rut sucks, but it will pass.
And you don't need a gym membership... Just go for a little jog a few times a week with one of those fab friends!
xoxox,
CC
jen, is there a safe jogging trail or park nearby. if so, walk it and take pictures along the way. you never know what might inspire you along that path. if not, walk in a mall and notice what's around you. shake up your environment! that's what i do :) only a suggestion. new places mean new people and new things. you don't always have to spend money.
http://www.averysweetblog.com/
I've been hearing this a lot lately, and although I don't want to be extremely sappy, I do think people only regret the things they didn't do. So if that means taking a blog hiatus so that you have the creative energy to finish that book, then that's what you need to do. I ain't mad at ya!
(I'm kinda in the same boat, but I'm putting my foot down about it come November--the gym thing too).
I can tweet you every day and ask how that book is coming--I can also send you my p90x videos that require no gym membership. :)
I'm on that same hamster wheel. We have it good, but it does get a bit repetitive.
Here's a deal: if you finish your book, I will fly over to come to a book signing. Yup!! Finish it so I can visit the States.
Actually, just like most of us girls, I too complained about my mundane, too stressful (both physically and mentally) job teaching IGCSE mathematics and training competitive debaters for five years in an Indian international school. The job paid well but the trauma of dealing with the spoiled kids and rude, they-think-they´re-too-rich parents, plus overloaded and too long teaching hours, all killed my love and passion for teaching. After recovering from depression, still working in the same environment, I lived life just as it was, counting the days and always looking forward to weekends and vacations. I started to dream having a work that makes me my own boss. And I prayed a lot for it.
After patiently waiting for the right time to retire from teaching, I turned my back from a high paying job which I hate, despite the pleas of my Indian employers. Well, they pleaded for me to stay not because they couldn´t get a good maths teacher, but because they were afraid they couldn´t get a debate trainer who built a strong debate club out from scratch and out of their rascals but talented kids, and made them well known across the country.
But I couldn´t be stopped. I was so excited to leave my jon and pursue what I thought would make me so happy - blogging full-time.
What I didn´t know was that, while I was shaping a future for my blogging career, the road would be too long and narrow. Never rule out the extremely sad isolation and working until past midnight everyday, without actually getting paid at the end of the month.
Sometimes I re-assess if I made the wrong decision to run my back from a mundane, very rountine but safe career to pursue something very fickle and unknown.
As of now, I´m already starting to reap the fruits of my hard labor after more than a year. I´m grateful that I no longer work in a robotic environment trying to please a pair of unpleasable bosses. I´m glad that I work on my own terms. But above all, I learned that no matter what you do, no matter where you are, you´ll always feel uncontent.
I think we´re all described by that old poem - the road not taken. :)
We all feel like this at one time or another. Don't give up!!
Oh shit - you are me. Eeek. But I am progressing with the book (silver bloody lining) when I have time. I guess there are worse bubbles to be in.
I have felt many times. Although, I try not to complain too much anymore because when I did live close to my parents I complained, and now I can hardly visit them so busy and far. Hang in there, you will get there dear! In the meantime, will be awaiting for that book! :) xx/Madison
I feel you sister. I feel pretty stretched thin constantly, but hey. It could be worse, right?
Wow, we all hit rough patches in our lives and one day you will get that book published! I can only imagine how tough it is to write creatively after writing about news all day....
Wow, we all hit rough patches in our lives and one day you will get that book published! I can only imagine how tough it is to write creatively after writing about news all day....
I feel the same way right now babe, sucks sometimes being so busy, I am running my website and my blog and it is a lot of work with not much free time...
Hugs
www.fashionjazz.co.za/blog/
I honestly loved this post! I feel the same way... we are too 'busy' surviving to chase after our dreams. Feeling like we are meant or destined for something greater, yet paradoxically feeling doubt & insecurity in ourselves to really go after it... I feel very inspired by your post for some reason though.
And thank you so much for the wonderful comments you left on my blog. I'm definitely following you now. I hope I get a follow back :) www.roxthefox.com
I think that's how a lot of us feel. I know I do. I am trying to break out of that as well. Do what you can and break out of it, don't be tired. If you do, you may get the energy you need to do more. But, I know what you mean, sometimes I can't be bothered, so I give myself a slapping (not literally) and get going :) I'd love to read your novels :))) xx
"It's just frustrating that I spend most of my day writing news stories, that by the time I want to write for myself, I feel dried up. My creativity is expired. I just want to sleep."
Good grief, you just spoke the words that are constantly racing through my own mind. :/
When I was 18, young and careless, I want to have a successful job, money to travel the world, fame , and whatever else I fancy..
Now I'm 31, I am a dependent jobless housewife,
and a mother who hoover's around his son 24 hours a day.
Definitely not what I expected but wouldn’t have it the other way.
Sure there is plenty of brokenness in me – selfishness, lack of discipline, jealousy – but I had learned and still learning to find the beauty of life.
It's all about contentment darling:)
Well similar feeling here, but this might cheer you up, after a few post I'm addicted to your blog you do a wonderful work so keep doing the same with your book!!I'm also triying to write mine, and being almost poor journalist half English teacher life, bit sad!
Kisses
how i understand you! It's like this post was made for me!
jos
Greetіngs! I know this is somewhat off topic but I ωas wonԁering ωhich blog platform are you using for this website?
I'm getting tired of Wordpress because I've had problеms with hackeгѕ and I'm looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be fantastic if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
Also visit my website ... my favourite sensual massage in London
My site > erotic massage in London
Post a Comment