Just a Girl

I once had a boyfriend get really mad at me and scream,

"You're an estrogen-soaked tampon!"

He went on to rant that I'm so girly, it suffocated him. It was like living inside cotton candy or something.

At the time, I laughed at him. Of course I was girly! Did he want me to be a boy? Good lord.

But lately, I'm beginning to realize what he meant.

I'm not like most girls. I think I'm too much of a girl.

It recently occurred to me that other female news reporters don't show up to interviews wearing floral dresses, using pink feather pens, writing in vintage Barbie notepads, and handing out Tiffany blue business cards. During an interview with two middle-aged city officials this afternoon, I looked up and realized both men were staring at me like I was a unicorn.

And there are other hints that I'm living in cotton candy.

There have been several mornings and afternoons where I get sucked into staring at girly things on the internet for hours. For example, this afternoon I literally spent two hours looking up rabbit-shaped iphone cases. There were polka dot rabbit cases. Pink fluffy-tailed rabbit cases. Glittery turquoise rabbit cases. I didn't buy any of them. I just wanted to look. I was enchanted.

And then I click out of my browser and see my laptop's wallpaper, which is a white fluffy bunny sitting in a bed of pink flowers.

I use Hello Kitty Band-Aids. I know all the names and personalities of the guys in One Direction. I once drove to five different stores until I found Disney Princess sandwich bags. When I'm walking in a store and spot something pink, I stop in my tracks and Rian has to literally drag me away, like I'm a five-year-old.

It's been this way since I was born.

I'm an only child and I didn't interact much with boys growing up.

When I was in high school, I finally found a boyfriend who I thought was absolutely perfect. I couldn't believe I had snagged the ideal guy. He loved to go shopping at the mall with me. He loved Britney Spears as much as I did. Hell, he even knew the dance moves to Baby One More Time better than me! Of course, he turned out gay. So did my next two boyfriends. I had so little in common with straight guys, that I just naturally gravitated towards the gay ones. And I got my heart broken every time.

It wasn't until I was 21 that I learned I was going to have to put up with a straight one if I ever wanted to be in a successful relationship.

And I'm not going to lie. Being around straight guys can be a challenge.

I hate sports. I don't like beer. I could care less about cars. I have absolutely no interest in ever reading Ernest Hemingway. I despise video games. I refuse to drink Mountain Dew. I can't even think of anything else that boys like because they're such a foreign species to me.

And I think one of the reasons I immerse myself in fashion blogs and have befriended so many fashion bloggers is because the community is like home for me. A group of girls (and guys!) who love shopping and pretty clothes and pink stuff! And they talk about it every day! Heaven.

This is me. I can't change me.

But sometimes I worry about my cotton candy world.

What if I suffocate myself?