Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Besties or bitches?


Women always complain about men being terrible communicators.

Ironically, we're terrible about communicating with each other.

When men get into fights, there's usually punches, blood drawn, and quick forgiveness.

With women, our fights are a little more...complicated. And unnecessarily drawn out.


First of all, we often don't tell the other girl why we're upset. That's our first mistake. We just figure, well "she should KNOW."

We talk shit behind their back. "Omg, she's SUCH a bitch." We complain about them behind their back. "I'm so tired of her crap." We lie to their face. "I love you too!" And then finally, when we can't take it anymore, we often just cut them out of our lives without a single word.

There's no heart-to-heart chat. There's no rational explanation. The friend is left potentially mystified, devastated, and justifiably outraged.

And oftentimes the reason for the fight is something so silly, that over time, with all the manipulation and back-stabbing, it has morphed into something incredibly pointless. But in the meantime, the hatred has deepened.


Like snowflakes, no two girl fights are alike. Each are complex, messy, and bizarre in their own delightful way.

I have lost so many friends through this process. Sometimes I've been the victim. Other times, I've been the bitch.

A few significant friendships of mine were shattered this way. Girls I considered my dearest sisters.


Remember Nancy?

She's a textbook mean girl. She had been talking badly about me behind my back for years. She never voiced to me why she was upset with me. She just simply vanished one day, out of my life, after five years of close friendship. To this day, I'm completely clueless as to what happened.

What's even worse is that literally, the very next morning after I wrote that blog post about her last year, I went out to the parking lot of my apartment complex and discovered somebody had painted the word "bitch" all over my car. It took poor Rian an hour to wash off.

Coincidence? I think not.


I wish with all my heart that girls would just fucking communicate with each other.

I wish that instead of defacing private property, Nancy would have just sent me an e-mail that said, "I read your stupid blog and I hate you. The reason we're not best friends anymore is because _____, you fucking bitch." At least then we would be off to a good start! I could write back either, "I had no idea that's why you were so upset with me! That was a misunderstanding!" or "Oh wow. So that's why you were mad at me? Well I didn't mean to hurt you. I had no idea it offended you. I'm very sorry." And we could have gone on from there. Either patched things up or decided collectively to part ways. I was never given that respect.


I'm not going to lie. I've been guilty of pulling a Nancy in the past. And I regret it. When it comes to a friend, there should always be straightforward communication. Do not be afraid to pour your heart out in a letter. Over the phone. Even through a fucking text message. Anything is better than nothing.

And what's worse is that this is the reason so many female relatives have fights spanning over decades. I once had two aunts who didn't speak for 15 years over a squabble they couldn't even remember. My boyfriend's mom and her youngest sister stopped speaking several years ago over something petty. You all know what I'm going through with my aunt. Eight months and that shit still hasn't been resolved.

It's pathetic.


Why are we so good at expressing our feelings with our boyfriends and husbands, but we're so idiotic at communicating with our friends? Our sisters? Our mothers?

I want to change. I'm trying.

I'm sick of being a mean girl.

Are you?

15 comments:

The Dainty Dolls House said...

This is all so true!! Women are horrible to each other. We fight for equal rights, yet we can't even equally get along with each other. Sometimes it's women themselves that keep themselves down, we fight for the dumbest reasons and then can't get over it. Yet, sometimes a man does something bad and we beg them to come back (Not that I ever did, but I had friends that did and I was shoved to the side) It's silly and I hate it. I don't have many friends that are girls, I wish I did, but it's just never lasted long. I can even see some of this crap on blogs, believe it or not, haha. I find it silly. I could care less for any of that shizzz, we live in a world that still oppresses women..we should be fighting against that instead of against each other :) x

Johanna V said...

It's horrible what girls are ready to do to each other over something not meaningful at all. If every girl would use all that energy to better themselves or feeding the hungry or something like that instead, think how much more positive this world would be. I've been the bitch, too, when I was younger, and I have experienced the silent abandonment because I moved on with my life, but if they are not ready to support my rational choices, are they really friends? Don't think so.

Loved this post, I often think about the same themes you brought up here. ♥

Fashion art and other fancies said...

People in generally are mean to one another. On the other hand there's goodness in the worst of us.

Shybiker said...

Women are complex. And they often hide their feelings. I don't understand female interaction but be careful about praising male communication too highly. Men are simple but they're also insensitive pigs. You may hear what they think but then you wish you hadn't.

The best way to address this is to transcend gender-behavior and improve oneself as an individual. We can rise above meanness, much of which is rooted in insecurity and fear.

Oh to Be a Muse said...

I'm not a mean girl. I'm just mean. Seriously, I'm not one of those girls but I've been in situations before. I had a very good friend of mine stop talking to me one day and I had no idea why. But I know she wasn't mad at me because she continued to like my stuff on FB and comment on things my husband put up on FB like we were still friends. Even though she hadn't spoken to me in person (or even by phone) in a year. Some girls are just terrible communicators even though they swear they aren't. I usually don't let the silly things girls do get to me. And when the silly girls do things that I just can't take, I just treat them like acquaintances. I'm not mean, and I don't lie to their face and tell them I love them when I don't. But I keep it casual until that friend makes it OK for me to decide that we're either done as friends or besties again. I hope all that babble I just wrote makes sense.

India said...

great post!

Couture Carrie said...

So true, darling!
We should ban the word bitch from our vocabulary!

xoxox,
CC

Kim Alston said...

Excellent post Jen! I think I can be the best and worse friend. I have a habit of deleting people out of my life. When I've had my fill, I just delete you and rarely ever come back. I know it sounds horrible. But honestly out of everybody I deleted (fake, phony, and pretentious) I only wish I would've stayed friends with a couple of them. I've had a lot of bad experiences with women. You should talk about things, but when you're dealing with the mean girls club it's best to get out of there. I rather be alone then deal with drama. And I hate a liar! LOL

Vivienne Z said...

I've once had a whole group of "friends" stop talking to me and spread nasty rumors. That was years ago, in high school, and I still have no idea why they did what they did. Some of them sent me friend requests on Facebook recently... Hell, Bitch, I ain't adding you after the crap you put me through!

AVY said...

No one hates women more than other women. I don't know why that is but it's a valuable lesson to learn.

/ Avy
http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com




Rachel @ The Redhead Fashionista said...

First, I have to say this is so, so true. It's really unfortunate the way girls handle things sometimes. Your story about Nancy reminds me of an old friend I had in middle school and high school. We were best friends and then just all of a sudden she stopped talking to me. No reason at all! I still have no idea what happened. I guess we just fell apart for some reason. But I cannot believe that someone would do that to your car. That's so stupid and childish! I would assume Nancy was old enough to know better!

I know I've been guilty of being the mean girl as well. Who hasn't? But it's something I left behind in high school!

Blond Duck said...

That's probably why all my friends were guys growing up. I never understood girls. And while I'm happy to communicate, it's hard for me to talk-- I have to write it out. Or hit someone, like a man. :)

Audrey Allure said...

OMG yes! It's so true, and I don't think half of us even realize that we do it.

ravenlocks said...

Well fuck. I want to say so much about this post. I love your post but hate that it's true. I've been the one to break off a friendship before (she was a HUGE liar and I couldn't take it).

It seems I have rotten luck with best friends. One of my last best friends stopped talking to me after her 21st birthday party (a few years ago) and she never told me why. I called her and called her and she simply ignored me. It hurt me because she never told me what happened. I actually wouldn't mind breaking it off mutually. I felt like it wasn't going to work out. But what hurt the most was that I slaved for two weeks making her a portrait of her and I. The medium was difficult to use (aqua tint etching) and confusing. I stayed after school so I could use the equipment to make it. And on her birthday, she ended up using the actual portrait as a coaster for her beer! I had to keep removing the beer from it because I knew how much I'd worked on it :(

To this day, I have nothing bad to say about her. I know she is a good person, she just didn't like me. And that's okay. But fucking shit...I would have loved to hear an explanation.

This post also reminds me of a girl named Marion. I apologize in advance for how long this post is....so here we go...

I met Marion in German class in high school. From the looks that my best friend Julie and I got from her, she didn't like us. She was always rolling her eyes at us and would stop smiling when we would sit next to her. One day I told my best friend Julie that I was going to confront Marion. I did. I said, "Marion, you hate us, don't you?" I was expecting her to deny it. Instead she surprised us all and said, "well...I don't HATE you..." and explained that she just didn't like us. Her honesty shocked me and I immediately loved this girl. Her and I became really close friends after that :)

See what happens when we're honest with each other? You're so right about it. I've actually said to my friends before that I'd rather someone scratch my face than my car. I'd rather get in a good old fashioned fist fight than to deal with the hurt that backstabbing and lies create.

Wonderful post <3

ravenlocks said...

By the way...

Thank you so much for your comments! Especially the one on "Sound Advice." I actually have been meaning to write you an email! Expect to hear from me again.

XOXOXO