I have been complaining lately about being fat. Most of you have been sweet to tell me I'm wrong. I'm not complaining about my weight for attention or because I'm vain. I actually have a legitimate reason to be concerned. You see, in the past year I have gained 20 pounds. Up until last September, I always maintained a steady weight and never really went up or down very severely from it. I was a size 0. I am now a 6 (if I'm lucky, a 4 in certain brands). For someone five feet tall, this weight gain is enormous.
This year has changed me both mentally and physically. There were four major lay offs at my work, so I was always in constant fear of losing my job. Plus, my personal life was a wreck. It seemed every day I was in tears or depressed about something. The stress really took a toll on me. It got to the point where my doctor was so concerned about my weight gain, she called my parents. That was a huge mistake because now, instead of helping me through this, they literally tell me every day how fat I am and how gross it is. (They have been naturally skinny their entire lives). So that has taken a beating to my self-esteem.
Trying to lose the weight has been a frustrating battle. My problem is my eating habits are the same as they've always been. I am still eating small lunches and small dinners. I don't snack. I don't eat terribly fatty foods. So making changes to my meals seems kind of pointless. Exercise seems almost impossible. I can't afford a gym, I'm too scared to walk in my neighborhood by myself, and when I tried doing an exercise routine in my apartment, I got reprimanded for the noise I was causing. It seems like a lose-lose situation.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm too poor to afford new clothes, which is scary since I barely fit into any of my regular fall clothes anymore...
This summer, I was only able to wear about 30 percent of the summer clothes I own. There were numerous tops, ten pairs of jeans, and literally dozens of skirts and dresses that didn't fit me anymore.
I'm holding on to all of these clothes because I'm determined that this weight gain isn't permanent. (Or, perhaps I'm dreaming.)
But I feel like my closet tells my story. My clothes were with me during the good and the bad. I want to wear them again. I can't bear to part with them.
I picked out a few things that don't fit me anymore (okay, around 15, haha) to show you. I couldn't wear them this summer but it is a little comforting to know that through this blog they can still be seen. They deserve it.
And hopefully next summer, I will be wearing them again instead of pushing them to the back of the rack...
Here we go:
top, Etro (This was the first Etro piece I ever bought. It started a collection and an obsession. I now own more than 30 Etro items. I will have this top until I die.)
dress, Catherine Malandrino (I fell in love with this dress the moment I saw it. I was devastated I couldn't wear it this summer.)
dress, For Love and Liberty (Rian bought me this dress in May and I never got to wear it because it was too small. For some reason, the poor guy thinks I'm still a size 0.)
dress, Ann Taylor (My dad bought me this dress when I first got my reporting job at the newspaper.)
dress, Ralph Lauren (Rian and I had our first kiss when I was wearing this dress.)
dress, Urban Outfitters (I covered my first city council meeting in this dress.)
dress, Express (This was my favorite work dress. It showed off my great figure.)
dress, Ann Taylor (I got this dress on clearance for ten bucks. Insane.)
top, Bebe (I attended my first fashion show in this top.)
dress, Urban Outfitters (contrary to what the terrible photo shows, this dress actually poofs out 1950s style. GORGEOUS).
dress, American Eagle (Before we grew cynical with the real world, Rian and I used to drive out to the countryside at night and look at the stars. You can't see them in the city. Rian would play the guitar and I would lie in the grass...wearing this dress. Even the dress looks like a starry sky).
dress, handmade (My dad bought me this Indian dress when we were in Chicago three years ago. It was one of several a little Indian seamstress had made for her tiny shop. It is the only Indian thing I own.)
dress, Charlotte Russe (picnic dress!)
dress, White House/Black Market (I first wore this dress to a wedding for an old friend a couple years ago. The small gorgeous event was held in my friend's loft downtown, at midnight, with gigantic glass windows revealing the skyline. Rian and I had our first slow dance that night).
dress, Ann Taylor (I moderated my first televised debate wearing this dress. It was one of my proudest moments as a news reporter, back when I covered local politics two years ago.)
dress, Anthropologie (My college sweetheart broke up with me while I was wearing this dress. I actually had it in a pile of his things to burn, but I saved it at the last minute because it was so pretty.)
There you have it. Some of my favorite summer clothes. And I can't even wear them.
Next year...next year...
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