Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I facebooked your ex last night



Before online social networking came about, it was easy to forget your ex. Perhaps, a few years later, you would run into them at the supermarket and it would be awkward and nostalgic, but then away they would go, off into the frozen food aisle.

Well, our generation is different and it sucks.

On Facebook, I am only friends with one ex. His name is Jeff and we dated in high school. I was very much in love. We went shopping together and took dance lessons together. We would drive through the ritzy part of town and dream about one day when we would marry and live in a big mansion. And Jeff would even fantasize about how he would decorate each room. Well, a few years after graduation, Jeff came out of the closet. I put my heartache aside and we remained good friends.

But that is it. He is the exception.

Unfortunately, I am still unwillingly connected to every other ex on Facebook. We have mutual friends.

So once in a while information about an ex will pop up in my facebook news feed and spark my interest.

And no matter how OVER my ex I am, bitter feelings and hurt still arises, especially if the relationship ended on bad terms (they all did). Whenever I see them with their new beautiful girlfriends, happy and beaming, I get a little pissed.

After all, I’d always had this fantasy that each ex was sitting alone in his living room every Saturday night, pining for me, knowing he could never love again. So it is always a huge shock to see that my fantasy is not true. They are dating other girls. They are in love with other girls. I am all but forgotten.

And then I have to prevent myself from facebooking each new girlfriend to warn her about the asshole.
“Don’t date him girl! Jake’s mother is a complete nightmare and will ruin your life!”
“I’m so sorry, sweetie, you don’t know me, but I just needed to tell you that Don is in an abusive relationship with himself. Don’t let him near any pills.”
“If you want to protect your heart, stay away from Chris. He cheats.”

All the things I want to say, but of course, do not.

And Facebook makes it SO easy to find your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. So, so devilishly easy, especially if her profile is on public view. 597 photos? Don’t mind if I do!

And that’s when the fun starts. Your self-esteem takes a series of beatings when you find out his ex is gorgeous and rich and brilliant in every way. Oh, she plays the guitar? How bloody fabulous. Oh, she got accepted into Harvard Law without even studying? Lucky bitch! Oh, she went mountain climbing last year just for the hell of it? Jesus. What is my boyfriend doing with me? Clearly I suck in comparison.

And so forth.

So thank you, Facebook. Thank you for not letting me forget my exes. Thank you for letting me compare every detail of myself to every girl who dated my boyfriend.

Thank you for wasting my time.

68 comments:

Kerrie della Rovere said...

Bummer. You are more fab than anyone else.... I don't think you need to sweat anything. But who says you can't have a bit of fun??
;)

Leah said...

That's the wonder of facebook... you get to stalk other people without them knowing especially if the people you're stalking aren't bright enough to change their privacy settings or maybe they just want the world to see them.

MJ said...

Sucks. You know you're so much better than any of their new girlfriends! And surely there are the ones you go and look at and are like 'hah, he's gotten uglier/fatter/lamer'? That's pretty satisfying.

I've only got two exes and I'm back with one of them, but my most recent ex has put on tons of weight and grown a massive hideous beard... It is just a little vindicating since he broke my heart... :)

http://dreamingspiresandoldcartyres.blogspot.com

Barry said...

Jen, you're killing me with this. Much worse, you're torturing yourself.

If you're already thinking about the things in your life that you feel aren't going right (and I know you think about them a lot), why would you want to add to them? What good can possibly come from rehashing a past that was so painful? You can't change anything about it and you already have enough to deal with in the present.

May I suggest that when you're on Facebook and you come across anything to do with a past relationship that (as you admit) ended on bad terms, you avoid it. Or avoid Facebook altogether. Instead of focusing on that which makes you feel worse, put your time and energy into those things that will make you feel better.

Say to yourself, "Okay. I feel crappy because___. Now what am I doing to change that?" If you're not looking towards positive things for answers then you're spending too much time on those that will tear you down.

There will always be people who are more attractive, successful, etc. than we are. But what about them makes them better than me or you? Who they are doesn't lessen who we are.

I don't know if you feel I'm being a bit tough on you hon, but I think you need people outside this situation to see it clearly for what it is. I'd never say anything to hurt you but what you're putting yourself through is destructive and it breaks my heart.

I saw you refer to Rian earlier as the love of your life. Isn't he who you should be putting your thoughts and attention towards, instead of those people who contributed painful memories to your past?

OceanDreams said...

I am so with you on this one! Facebook totally ruined my self esteem when I broke up with my ex because I saw all of the responses between him and his new flame. Well, I deleted my profile, started a new one, and ever since then I am not friends with my ex on facebook. I am so glad that my current BF does not have the program, makes life so much better, thank you very much!

OceanDreams said...

Oh, and you deserve the only best so don't let the exes get under your skin love!

Barry said...

Yeah, what OceanDreams said. You're too fabulous to compare yourself to anyone.

Plus you have great taste in shoes. Hell, if I was a chick I'D wear them! :)

Dina's Days said...

This is so honest, funny and true. Trust me, been there done that. But I always remind myself that what you see in pictures can be such a lie sometimes. And even if they are not, don't think you're the only one, I bet your ex is just as curious when you pop up in his feed. It's human nature.

Patty Ann said...

omgggggggggg i get soooooo paranoid about facebook sometimes, i always tell my friends DO NOT CHECK FACEBOOK!!! because something will always make you a little bit annoyed!!! but when you get to show off your fabulous boyfriend, just think of how your exes will feel!! :) i mean your jen fabulous right!?!?!?!?! totally fab
xxx

AlphaBetaChic.blogspot.com

Jen Ben said...

You are so right! I try my hardest not to facebook stalk people but sometimes it just happens. And then it's all like, "that person was a total a-hole, they should just be alone...not with someone! They are going to ruin that other poor girl's life too!" I definitely think the hardest thing is not to warn other girls about the disaster that is about to ensue...

But you shouldn't be jealous of other girls Jenny Benny, you are amazing and beautiful and real, and that's what's important. Love you!

Tiffani said...

I do the same thing, and when I try and delete them so I don't they get mad ugh.

rani said...

i couldn't agree more.. i have also avoided to be friends with my exes on facebook, because otherwise my present boyfriend would be like police who asked me anything about what i'd done with my ex on fb...sounds so ridiculous but that does happen and that sucks ;S

Melanie's Randomness said...

Omg You seriously read my mind. Myspace & Facebook are my nightmares because yeah I found out about all of them. My mess I get to see every girl he dates leave comments & it hurts. An ex I have that I'm so over well I get to see him with my old friends & the girl he left me for everytime he tags himself. Ugh. It's kinda like free candy you know you shouldn't take it but you do. I actually have out about my breakup on facebook before i knew it. Stupid boys. I feel ya hunny on this. I'm starting to loath facebook becuz i fear going on it and seeing just what you wrote about. Sigh.

Oh dear you can leave me a book comment whenever you want. Thank you soo much totally understanding. It's awesome. It made me feel better knowing someone else is right there too. *hugs*

Dream Sequins said...

It's even more awkward for people who are Facebook friends with your ex. It's just awkward all around, right?

Sherin said...

I have definitely been there. The worst is stalking guys that you currently have a crush on...now that is not fun!

AudreyAllure said...

ahh i couldn't agree more! i'm so glad someone else knows how i feel. for me, i really don't mind seeing my ex boyfriends with their new girl because in my mind it's like i had him first, and she got the sloppy seconds. haha

but as for seeing my current boyfriend's exes bothers me tremendously.

then again, we should tell ourselves that your current boyfriend is with YOU now & not some other girl, so the past shouldn't affect what great things you have now :)

anhesty said...

facebook and all these social networks... so evil!

ash said...

um for this exact reason i have not had a facebook since august. my ex deleted me as a friend randomly one day and the only reason i knew is because his "poke" notification was gone. i had never poked him back or removed it, i like to keep things lets say haha.

so i deactivated it that to save me from the complete anguish i had if i ever saw anything about him even with people 600 miles away.

I am totally against facebook and i only keep twitter now, but somehow he knows i have it. but he is not on it neither so im good with it.

great post, i am glad someone agrees that facebook is the devil.

xo ash

Couture Cookie said...

I am actually friends with a lot of my exes on FB and I love to keep up with what they're doing! I esp like to hear about the new chicks they are dating!

That said, I've been with my bf for 4 years = plenty of time to forget about any feelings I ever had for anyone else. I think FB is great for keeping in touch with them, as I would not necessarily want to hang out in person...

Couture Carrie said...

Amen, sister! I totally see where you are coming from... I facebooked a guy I just started dating and it was even worse than the ex-factor because he had over 1000 friends and they were practically all gorgeous women. AAArgh!

xoxox,
CC

Savvy Gal said...

LOL, you are fabulous. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

becca. said...

i know that's a bad thing about facebook, and you can't meet people anymore without them adding you on facebook, even on holiday a guy i met, added me on facebook i can't even remember telling him my name!
lovely blog :)
theres a competition you can enter on my latest post. you can win money! go on my blog and enter by clicking the link :)
XOXO, BECCA

kpeach said...

you're hilarious-I am sure they are all still pining-and I was reading when you said he talked about decorating each room and thinking-hmm gay? And then you wrote it right after. FB can definitely be the enemy! xx

Serg Riva said...

Thanks for your kind comments.

I finally have a sneak peak of my fashion Reality TV series posted to my site. Come check it out!

http://sergriva.blogspot.com/2009/10/dream-vs-reality-tv.html

-serg

cupcake♥trash said...

lame sauce. I have been with the same person since I was 17 (I am now 24) so I thankfully haven't experienced this problem.

http://cupcaketrash.blogspot.com

Saray said...

thank you very much!!! :))

MAISON CHAPLIN said...

It sucks, I suffer of the same thing :p lol

MAISON CHAPLIN, the internationally recognized most stylish and glam fashion blog by some fashion houses!

@ www.MaisonChaplin.blogspot.com

Ela said...

Oh hon, please dont'. Just don't. Just keep in mind, you guys broke up for a reason. Nothing's changed, nothing's made you want to be with them - so let them be - poof they're gone :)

Never let anyone make you feel less than awesome, because you truly are. You're smart, talented, funny as heck, witty, sweet, a good friend...so much more I go on for days, so don't even second guess how amazing you are.

I will get back to your email - I promise. I just got back from Boston and have a mess awaiting me...and need to get ready for my trip in just over 24 hrs to AZ so I gots to get moving :)

Have a great night, hon!

bryna said...

haha, great post. that is why i am not on facebook!

Keith said...

Hey Jennifer. Great blog you've got. I love it. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I appreciate it. I am now following your blog. I also added you to my blogroll. I hope you'll do the same. Thanks. Have a fantastic Friday. Cheers!

Maria Confer said...

Ugh, it's so true. I've been lucky that most of my exes are still losers and are dating not so great girls, but it still sucks reading about them and seeing their online lives.

lululetty.blogspot.com

michelle_ said...

that's why social networking was created I guess.. the joy of stalking through wall posts and pictures without the knowledge of that person.. haha..
there's a good n bad side of it though..
love the picture by the way..
glistersandblisters.blogspot.com

Niki B. said...

oh facebook. don't let it get to you, i know it's hard.

ps. Enter my fab fall giveaway!
http://ahautemess.blogspot.com

Lola vee said...

This is the most amazing post i have read in ages.. actually ever! It is so true!
Facebook equals stalk space...

Keep up the awesome posts!

Your blog is amazing blog!

lolavee.blogspot.com
XxxX

Emily said...

facebook is all about stalking. and it's all about self-esteem ruining too. you're not the only one who has had this issue!!
xx
neutraltuesday.blogspot.com

Beth Dunn said...

As your blog says....I KNOW Right!! It is hard now--thank god I have years separating me from mine xoxo

SC

daisychain said...

this post is oh so true

Jaime said...

Oh so true...FB is the devil. haha.

Thanks for visiting la vie...j'aime and for your kind comment! :)

Little Red said...

You are way better than any of these other girls! You know that! But I have to say, I definitely understand where you are coming from. The social networking sites make it so easy to keep track of other people. Years ago I always checked up on exes through MySpace. However, I'm glad I don't use that site or Facebook now and a lot of people I know don't use them either.

Shopaholic said...

So true. Some of my friends have asked me to disown some of their ex boyfs from my facebook account, so they don't have to read that they are still around and happy.

Like you say, gone are the days of just bumping into them now and again!

Cafe Fashionista said...

Just remember that no one is more fabulous than you - comparing yourself to others is just a downer that instantly makes you seek out Ben & Jerry. This is exactly why I can't stand social networking sites sometimes - it's too tempting to snoop. :/

Susan said...

Ohh facebook... I know what you mean.. Im friends with my ex on facebook too. But I still talk to him on the phone sometimes- we stayed friends, but right after the break up we didn't talk for months and I would always see him on facebook.. it's tempting and sad..But everything will be ok after awhile.

http://mushitushi.blogspot.com

Tom Bailey said...

Another reason not to use facebook.

Try giving up comparisons temporarily as difficult as that is. Being too connected with the past can often keep one from moving forward in my humble opinion. Do some things that help move your own life forward in a direction that you want to go and keep focused on that rather than considering what others are doing.

This was a very honest and insightful post.

Tights Lover said...

Soooooo true! Sometimes I think Facebook will be the downfall of our society..hahaha.

Don't worry about it...have a nice weekend!

FabBlab said...

OhMYGod, I feel your pain. A month back, I find a long-forgotten (for the most part) ex looking (obviously) better than ever with his all-new Californian girlfriend looking all tan and Californian and causing me to nearly haul something at the screen. Of course, my friends promptly came over after receiving my near-hysterical texts and helped me digest massive amounts of ice cream along with the expected ramblings of "Natasha, what a bullshit name", "ew, that tan is seriously gross" and "he looks like he's put on some weight".
I, though, do not care about this guy anymore, seeing them in your face after all that time, does kind of give you a jolt.

Anyway, I proceeded to remove that guy from my friends list, ignore his "I missed you, let's catch up" messages and happily went to eat some more ice cream and spend more money than I could afford on some sick boots.

You'll be alright, babe ;) You know why? Because you're fab, and you know it, and we know it, and that's what matters.

XO

lancelonie said...

Haha! I can relate to this... I'm glad I'm over this issue now...

Keep your cool, girl! Have a great weekend!!! :)

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Hi Ms. Fabulous!

Love this post and so true! Let me just say...there is a reason they're ex's! You are too fabulous to worry about these losers...okay?

My first clue with Jeff would have been the fantasizing about how he would decorate each room...I'm just saying!!

My dear, please live for today...leave the past in the past! You are simply to wonderful to worry about or compare yourself to any of these dumb twits!

Big Hugs,
Karyn

Liya said...

aw girl
remember you're amazing
you got rid of those losers!

myglitteringcreation.blogspot.com

Nubiasnonsense said...

oo man that sucks! But you shouldnt let the site bother you. F!@#&$! exes, Live life girl I bet your young and cute =)

LAYNE said...

This post rings soooo true to i bet every single girl. but it feels sooooo sooo true for me. ha ya know.

feeling miserable through the internet was taken even further. when a girls blog (who is know for being the girl "tucker Max") posted something about a guy i was seeing.....let's just say it was raunchy and happened while we were hanging....
ahhh..oh well. I guess i didn't even like him that much.

I love u and ur wonderful, so true, posts.

ALWAYS CHASING said...

I feel exactly the same way!

Facebook is so annoying in that way...I can help but stalk!

Thanks for visiting my blog & taking the time to leave a lovely comment! I really appreciate it!

beckyxoxo said...

this is so right ! sometimes people share their information on facebook without even thinking who will read it . weird ! oh take care dear ! you are better than all of those girls , your ex's new girlfriends .

The Haute-Shopper said...

This is precisely why I I'm not on Facebook. Ironically many of my exes don't even live in the same country as me, but internet still makes it so easy to 'bump' into someone in the online world. I have been guilty of checking out friends and former BFs via google and various other sites, but I just know if I started registering on too many other sites, I would probably end up finding info I didn't really need to know!

Adela said...

ugh facebook has its ups and downs, lol! =)

http://pinkchampagnefashion.blogspot.com/

Imogen said...

I've never experienced this exact situation before but I feel as though I still have some understanding of how you might feel. There are both good and bad things about facebook, just don't let the bad things ruin it. Also think about your relationship at the moment.

Coco + Audrey said...

I can imagine how that would be awkward. But it's good for yourself to just forget the jerk ever existed, no matter how hard or seemingly impossible that maybe. Facebook does make a WHOLE lot of things weird and difficult, I agree!

Blackjack said...

I can relate to this! Its a difficult one, facebook seems to have got into common culture as the ultimate news carrying medium... I've considered removing myself on several occasions but I figured that would just keep things live as I'd still end up wondering what was going on.

I suppose I realised that I was pleased for the good things that happen to everyone - it wasn't the easiest especially when things weren't going the best in my own world as it drew some comparisons and feeling of why things aren't going good for me? But I'm happy I did in the end as I think it was the right choice as I'm still in touch with a lot of people I'd otherwise have disappeared from.

yiqin; said...

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I KEEP STALKING MY EX FACEBOOK PROFILE TOO! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Taylor Sterling said...

Yuck! Ive had the same thing happen to me! It sucks, but you are better than to let it bring you down cutie!

Phoebe Rose said...

Oh I totally get you! I rarely go on Facebook anymore...I hate all the updates!

http://flowergirlfashion.blogspot.com/

MAISON CHAPLIN said...

Hii, have a fashion weekend! lol :)

MAISON CHAPLIN, the internationally recognized most stylish and glam fashion blog by some fashion houses!

@ www.MaisonChaplin.blogspot.com

dapper kid said...

Definitely an awkward situation, but I guess it is just what happens. I sometimes wonder where the people I knew are now, but thankfully we seem to inhabit different FB circles. I suppose it is because of how easy it is, that we are tempted to have a little dig, but if it causes more harm than good I guess you have practice some restraint. Then again, a little FB stalking is fun now and again ;) Hope you're having a beautiful weekend dear.

jessica wu said...

haha love that pic. and facebook is great. haha

xx

mom & son said...

don't worry you will find a perfect person for you.
i guess, among my friends i'm the only one who don't have facebook because there are some who are nosey about my life.

Valeriesoh said...

ooooh man!!!! you are great darling!!!

trust me... facebook has ruined many a night when me not caring turned into me being a parnoid freak!!!!!

M. and O. said...

News on : Http://daily-women.blogspot.com


In Bordeaux City, a really beautiful town where we live :)
Come on
See ya :) Xoxo

Damsels said...

i know what you mean ... personally i consider my self an old soul ... im the type of gal who doesnt text ifyou know what i mean ..also all of my relationships ended on bad terms as welll ... i would hate to have some of my exes on on FB particualarly the only one who it didnt end badly with

i have one ex on Fb and i rarely ony sometimes look at his wall i find him pretty patheitc so nothing he does wold hurt me .. it helps that im happy in a relationship but god ...sometime sits scary to think that me and my bf could talk about love and our plans and marriage and then not have any of it work out ... like withyour ex .. that still terrifies me

Little Lovables said...

I know the feeling... however, since I have matured in the past 10 years, I like to think the ex did as well and that brings lots of comfort!