Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Jennifer (Not So) Fabulous



When I was 19, I slipped into a deep depression.

I chopped off my hair with scissors on a whim one day. I never wore makeup. I had really bad acne. I shunned anyone in my university who tried to be my friend. When guys hit on me, I thought they were insane and I treated them as such. I wore pajamas to class. I spent literally all my free time getting lost in computer games like The Sims and reading romance novels. It was pathetic.

A year later, I got a boost. My acne mysteriously disappeared and has never returned. My journalism professor went behind my back and signed me up for the school newspaper, of which I eventually went on to become an editor. The hot guy I had a crush on became my college sweetheart. I suddenly looked in the mirror and saw a pretty face staring back. It's amazing how much confidence changes a person. My interest in fashion returned and all of the sudden, I was shopping all the time. I wore cute outfits and curled my hair. I made close friends. I was happy.

Six years later, it seems I have crashed right back into the valley of darkness, or I'm drawing near. But it's different. Instead of acne, I have 30 pounds of fat. Instead of lack of friends, I have lack of money. I have a boyfriend who loves me, but I don't love myself. Instead of confronting my reality, I drown myself in Scrabble and Bejeweled games on my iphone.

I just don't feel like I'm here. My brain is foggy. I'm always tired. I'm always unmotivated. The only happiness in my life these days is hanging out with Kerrie. If I didn't have her, I would be so screwed. That should be enough, but it isn't. I feel like I need a jolt. I need someone or something to wake me up. I need another boost.

This year has been so awful. I was laid off from the newspaper. My grandmother unexpectedly passed away. Kerrie & I got involved in a devastating situation that lasted almost six months. One of my friends was committed to a mental institution (twice). I drained out my savings. A hero in my life turned into a villain. Other shit here and there.

I'm trying to get back on track though. A close friend of mine, who is a producer at our local NPR station, gave me a freelancing gig, which is awesome. So I am keeping my brain busy and being a real journalist again. It doesn't pay the bills, but it gets me back in the game. I joined Jazzercise, so if I keep it up, the pounds should be shedding. I also joined a writing group, which has been a lifesaver for my project. I'm crossing my fingers that these things will turn my life around and make 2011 a great year for me. I can only hope.

Anyway, if you've read all of this until now, then you get the Awesome Award. I just wanted to update you on my well-being because I have gotten a few concerned e-mails from friends and readers lately.

And before I forget, here is the latest installment on my never-ending blogging game. You can read the details here.

Day Four: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1. Food (What am I gonna eat for lunch? What am I gonna eat for dinner? Should I have a snack tonight? Gee, I wonder why I gained 30 pounds this year?)

2. Money (mostly fantasizing about having some)

3. New words I can use in Scrabble (I am a sad, sad person)

4. Shopping (mostly wishing I could go)

5. My writing project (this actually never leaves my mind...does it count?)

6. My teeth (I...have no explanation for this. I'm sorry.)

7. James Franco (yummmmmmmmmy)

Well, there you have it. That's what it's like to be inside of my brain. Fan-fucking-tastic, isn't it?!? Sort of.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great week! Thank you for reading my incessant rambling! I have several more guest posts coming up for you crazy kids, so stay tuned!

52 comments:

Sandy said...

Hey hunny. I things have been tough for you this year. You know I'm always around, as is Barry.
I'm also very happy to hear that you're doing things to make it better.
Keep up with the Jazzercise, but remember it's about what you put in your mouth too. Watch your portion sizes. Lots of fruits and veggies, lean protein. Watch the carbs, especially the "empty" ones ... you know, the ones that taste the best. LOL
You will do this. I have all the faith in the world that you will turn your life around, get back on track and return once again to that amazing girl who captured our hearts.
Not that you've let go for one minute ... I still think the world of you girl.
So have faith. If I can survive my 2008, you can survive your 2010.
Lots and lots of hugs my dear.
Sandy

Mint Scented Kerrie said...

I love you! let's play Scrabble soon!

Tanvi said...

I appreciate reading honest posts! No unnecessary sugar coating - just simple plain truth - and the determination to deal with it and move on with life. More power to you! Hope everything turns around and you continue being the Fabulous Jennifer :)

Emily, Ruby Slipper Traveller said...

I'm sorry, it does seem like you've had a terrible year, and I hope things look up (often the good things, like the bad things, come in droves).

And you're not sad for playing scrabble. I think it's pretty cool. I'm awful at it, despite being good with words for some reason. I don't know you very well, but if you can write such an honest article, I have every faith you're on the right track already.xx

JUST ME said...

My heart is with you, mama. 2010 was a rough year for a lot of people. I learned so much...but it also felt like I was running uphill for the majority of it.

Frankly, I'm excited for 2011.

If you ever need to vent, you know I'm here! Also - try Saint John's Wort...either in tea or capsule form. After a week or so it really does begin to buoy the mood...

LOVE!

Leia said...

We all love you and are rooting for you. It sounds like your life is getting back on track but I'm sending you all the positive thoughts and vibes that I possibly can! And hugs and kisses! Muwah!!!

Leia

Vintage Vixen said...

I truly admire your honesty, my darling. I've been there, too and over the past six months I can feel the darkness creeping up and attempting to catch me. You will get over it, keep blogging, even though we've never met I think you're an amazing woman. xxx

Missy said...

ah i feel so bad your havinga tough year. To be honest i have felt in that dark place most of my life.

Missy
Blending Style, Beauty and Fashion
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Novelista Barista said...

i wish u the best of luck.... u can do this. its hard to get out of a slump and its easy to just wiat around for something to motivate u or make u happy but that takes too long.. u have to do it for urself. and start with one thing and then make the changes from there.
xoxo good luck if u need anything,,, im here for u!!

Tights Lover said...

Jennifer, I'm sorry things aren't going well right now. I certainly know what it's like to have that detached feeling.

It sounds like you're taking the right steps to change things, though, which is awesome. I'm a strong believer that we create our own luck in life. I think if you keep your head up you're gonna catch that break that you need to turn things around.

Just remember, you have a lot of blogger-friends who are pulling for you!

Couture Carrie said...

Darling, I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed. I know how debilitating it can be. But it sounds like you are taking some positive steps toward wellness. Keep up the great work!
And I love Scrabble too!

xoxox,
CC

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry this hasn't been such a good year for you, Jennifer. I truly hope that things get better. I know they will! Just think positive and keep busy. Work hard, keep up the exercise, and enjoy time with your friends. Everything will get better soon enough. I guarantee it! :)

Amelia is... said...

I am so sad to hear that you feel like you are close to hitting rock bottom. You are such a beautiful, insightful, funny person - I hate to think that you don't see that too. I truly hope things get better for you, I've been where you are and it isn't nice. Lukcily I (and some wonderful friends) managed to pull me out of it and I will never be able to say thank you enough. I'm sending you good thoughts, xx

www.ameliais.blogspot.com

Vivek Nanda said...

It takes a big heart and a pure soul to share one's own life and you have just done it. For me it shows how brave you are and I'm sure this attitude will help you get in the best of the worlds soon.

Yes, I did earn the awesome reader award :) :)..Happy me!!

Abi said...

I'm sorry to hear about your year. I hope you're able to overcome just like you did when you're 19. Sometimes life throws us these crazy curveballs for reasons unknown. But judging from this article and how honest and open you've been, it seems like you're already on the right track.

I wish you nothing but the very best. *virtual hug*

Venus In Virgo said...

I know what your going through,went through the same stuff when i was younger and also had an unexpected loss this year. I'm so sorry for your loss. I drown my troubles by working on my little blog. Sometimes keeping busy with petty stuff helps. I wish you the best of luck in everything in the future. Your writing by the way is amazing and I always enjoying reading your posts. I wish i could write just as good, keep it up and things will surely be set right with you once again! XOXO

Vikki said...

We love you sweetie, there are so many people who love you out here!!

I went through a similar period a few years ago - I wanted to leave school, wanted to sleep all day long, I found comfort only in reading and listening to music.
I got so thin I felt always tired and looked horrible, but in the end I found the strength in me to put an end to that and get a grip on my life.

I'm sure you have it in you to do that as well, you are an amazing girl and you can do it!!!

Lots, lots, lots of love,
Vikki

http://stylometre.blogspot.com

ABIGAIL NY said...

I really hope things get better for you and I feel they will!
Great minds think alike, wanna know why?
That bag you've got there in the picture, I have one too!

http://themessenger-bag.blogspot.com

Madeline Weber said...

your story is so incredibly inspiring, and im so glad you are on the right path to recovery.

xx http://madelineweber.blogspot.com/

Mouthwash said...

:( I'm sorry. I totally understand how you feel. I went through a major major depression a few years ago, and I am still paying for it.
I have such a strange (and kinda personal) question: are you on birth control (whoa! amber!!)? The reason I ask is, when I went through my insane/manic depression (which lasted about a year and a half), I was on birth control. And I have been off of it for quite a bit, but recently started again and those same thoughts, sleepless nights and unmotivated feelings are coming right back...

I hope you feel better soon!!

BlueVanilla said...

Hang in there! This year has been tough on a lot of people including myself...do what makes you smile and remember theres a reason why everything happens the way it does. Be true to yourself and reach for the stars...your beautiful, smart and funny..you have made it that far right?!
xx

btd. said...

This is an example of what makes you such a great blogger. You're letting people know that they're not the only one going through shit and they're not alone. And there are people who actually think that out there. I've actually forwarded a few of your posts to some friends who really need to read it, like this one, and they've felt better.
I'm sorry that you feel like you're creeping back onto the dark side. But bad things never stay forever, as you've learned before, it just makes room for the good.
It's awesome you're back in the business with your freelancing! I'm proud of you! I've forgotten you told your readers that you're a journalist. Do you mind if I interview you for my senior project one day? (Sorry that was totally random)
We should lose these 30 pounds together (it's actually the exact amount of weight I'd like to use). I know you can do it! :)
Just remember I love you Jennifer and I hope to cross paths one day. :)

Punctuation Mark said...

life has a very twisted sense of humor and somehow you just can't seem to figure it our... I've gone through a lot but basically lost everything along with my job but went back to school and even though it was not my plan and did it for other reasons than educational I ended up finding some great people and have surrounded myself with some great friends... not everything has been rosy colored but as I got rid of all the toxicity in my life things just started to get better and I got out of my long depression... feel better and look for ways to clear your mind... you'll find a way!

Christopher said...

depression is awful and so hard to snap out of, you really have to commit and work at it, sounds like you're on the right path

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Stay on the path toward fabulous my dear. Once you embrace despair, it overwhelms you so don't sink!

I've been working on a guest post about where to shop for chic n cheap clothing - is that ok or would you want something more inspirational and thought provoking?

mariahsmile said...

I understand what you are going through. I should be my happiest being graduated and planning a wedding, but I'm not. I thought I would have had a full-time job by now along with money so Phil and I could get an apartment of our own. Sadly this is not the case. All the extra time is giving me a chance to put my health first and try to get in shape and lose some weight! It's amazing how exercise can get you out of a funk! Wish we had Jazzercise here, that sounds so fun! One day at a time! Keep your chin up!

Imogen said...

I love you Jennifer and I'm sorry to hear about the way you have been feeling. As I have been reading your blog for so long it seems particularly unfair that such events have happened to such a beautiful person that you are. I know that you and I have some difficulties that are not the same but overall I feel like I can relate to you. I am in the middle of writing a post about some of these things myself actually and this year has been the hardest year of my life for sure. I guess we just take one day at a time. I still believe that things will look up. There are many people here that care about you and your lucky to have Kerrie by the sound of things. I really want to best for you because you deserve it.

indianmakeupways said...

hey i can relate with u. I have been obese all my life till now. and not that I am super lean now...but i do look human.lol. i do have a long way to go as far as getting the perfect figure is concerned. but let that not bog u down! u keep up with ur healthy routine(even i am on an exercising spree as i gained a few kilos after i came back from my trip) and u will see results in no time and as far as ur other probs go...give it some time...its nice to have a shakeup at times....it helps u realise the important things in life. take care jennifer.

Sonia said...

I’m sorry to hear you had a bad year. I’ve been through some pretty dark phases myself, so I totally get what you’re saying. What kept me going was knowing that nothing lasts forever, not even tough times. So hang in there, this will pass. You will be happy again! Correction : Jennifer Oh So Fabulous :)

pancakeSTACKER said...

First, I wanted to say thank you for stopping by and leaving such a kind comment on my blog. Second, I'm very sorry that things haven't been going so great for you lately :( I hope that things take a turn for the better!! When I feel like everything is just going wrong, I have a good cry, and then I try my hardest to shake it off and remember the good things. I shower myself with positivity (inspirational quotes, things that make me happy, etc). While I'm not sure if any of what I said helps, just remember that there are people around you who care about you!


http://pancakestacker.blogspot.com

style-haus said...

thx for being so candid and sharing your journey with us. stay positive and it sounds like you're on the right track already with a healthy & balanced lifestyle (it makes a huge difference). things will get better...

http://style-haus.blogspot.com/

jamie-lee said...

Wow, I really admire your for being so frank and honest about how you have felt in the past - it can be really hard to admit these types of things, especially to a group of people who barely know you! So well done. It sounds like you have really grown a lot and found your happy place, which is amazing to hear!

http://pagesixxx.blogspot.com/

daisychain said...

Sending an awful lot of love your way xox

LOOK OF STYLE said...

I understand you...

xx

Emilie said...

I hope you feel better very soon dear!
Take care!

FashionJazz said...

I am so sorry to hear things are not going well with u, hope things get better for u hun! hugs xx

Sherin said...

Sorry to hear you're having such an awful time these days. You're such a fabulous, amazing person: you shouldn't let all this crap get you down!
Just know, you're always free to give me an email if you need to talk about anything.

Cafe Fashionista said...

Yayay! I get the Awesome Award! But seriously...you are such an inspiration Jennifer. You never let anything get you down; you just keep moving forward regardless of what trials and tribulations come your way. Things will get better - cross my heart!! :)

BenchesandChandeliers said...

thanks for sharing so honestly. your determination to get better is encouraging.

http://www.benchesandchandeliers.com

Lara Woodbine said...

Jennifer, I'm younger than you so I can't really give advice but I do hope you get back on track soon. Just stay close to friends and family and thats all you need :) Hope everything is ok soon


<3

QueenDesi said...

i'm so sorry for you..
i ever in ur situation..but i can stand up and can pass it..so do you :)) think positive
what a great post!!

PS: if u need a partner to paly scrabble call me..LOL:))

THE SECRET LIFE OF "D"

in Love&Light
Queen D

My Republic of Fashion said...

I'm really sorry to hear about all of the shitty things that happened to you in 2010. I hope 2011 will be full of prospect and good times. :)SArahD

Melanie's Randomness said...

Oh jen I've been exactly where you are & I'm in a rut myself. I'm so happy that you at least got a freelancing gig & the writers group. I hope that will help you get things in order. I've gained like 10 pounds in the past few months because I'm depressed about alot of different issues. It doesn't help that the holidays are coming up too. But we all got stick together & help motivate each other. =) Keep your chin up dear & like Sandy said have a lil faith that everything will work out okay!! *BIG CYBER HUG*

emily said...

i know how you feel..and it's truly the worst feeling ever..!! have faith in yourself! and keeep going! :) xxx

LOOK OF STYLE said...

I love your bag!!!
xx

lookofstyle.blogspot.com

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

Hope you feel better soon- but this too shall pass...always remember that!!! :)

wardrobemag said...

:( I'm sorry about hearing about your bad year but I'm glad to hear things are getting better. I know what lack of confidence can do to people, I've seen it in myself and people around me. It's one of the worst things in the world

Hopefully things will just keep getting better though

Bhav x

http://wardrobemag.wordpress.com

Robin said...

Ha, I'm Jazzercising too! I've been horrible about it the last month or so, but it's fun!

Christine L. said...

Wow. This entry is indeed a blog post. :) I hope everything's all fine now.

Nads said...

You know what?
Even though I never met you I love you! You are just so amazing and so fabulous. It is so amazing of you to just learn to move on....I think women know how really bounce back and am sure you're going to do great.

take care.

P.S Keep drinking water, say a prayer and keep moving. <3

Liv said...

Aw, Jen, I wish I knew you in the real world so I could give you a big crazy hug! I've been reading your blog for awhile and I have so much respect for your honesty and determination to fight against the crap life's been throwing at you. I'm really happy to hear about the writing gig and I have faith that things will fall into place for you. You're way too awesome to be held down for very long.

Damsels said...

i hope you get to read this .

when i was younger i was depressedform about age 12 to about 19.. give or take .. it was such a horribel experience. there wasnt a day in my life that i didnt cry.
after getting some mood stabilizing meds and going to therapyim a much happier person .and its not that things in my life dont go bad.. recently i went thru a terrible break up with someone i had moved in with... i may be young but i really though this was the one and he cheated and was treating me so bad and that old tale. but anyway it didnt really bring me down into dpression which says a lot about where i am .. it took me a bout a year to get used to my new self .because i used to define myself by my depression. but youshould never let it take over you in that way.. i brought positive things into my life. i enjoy my college classes i have a good job. doesnt pay much of the bills either but its fun . also i volunteer when i get the chance. im glad to hear that you arent letting it take over your life .. keep trying hard ..have you considered seeing someone about your problems ? that is if you have health insurance . im glad you got the freelance job by the way .. something isnt nothing .and you have a way with words.

hoep you feel better eventually. iim 100 percent sure you will . if i lasted for nearly a decade ./ ... theres one thing i know.. every hardship comes to pass