Monday, October 25, 2010
Jennifer (Not So) Fabulous
When I was 19, I slipped into a deep depression.
I chopped off my hair with scissors on a whim one day. I never wore makeup. I had really bad acne. I shunned anyone in my university who tried to be my friend. When guys hit on me, I thought they were insane and I treated them as such. I wore pajamas to class. I spent literally all my free time getting lost in computer games like The Sims and reading romance novels. It was pathetic.
A year later, I got a boost. My acne mysteriously disappeared and has never returned. My journalism professor went behind my back and signed me up for the school newspaper, of which I eventually went on to become an editor. The hot guy I had a crush on became my college sweetheart. I suddenly looked in the mirror and saw a pretty face staring back. It's amazing how much confidence changes a person. My interest in fashion returned and all of the sudden, I was shopping all the time. I wore cute outfits and curled my hair. I made close friends. I was happy.
Six years later, it seems I have crashed right back into the valley of darkness, or I'm drawing near. But it's different. Instead of acne, I have 30 pounds of fat. Instead of lack of friends, I have lack of money. I have a boyfriend who loves me, but I don't love myself. Instead of confronting my reality, I drown myself in Scrabble and Bejeweled games on my iphone.
I just don't feel like I'm here. My brain is foggy. I'm always tired. I'm always unmotivated. The only happiness in my life these days is hanging out with Kerrie. If I didn't have her, I would be so screwed. That should be enough, but it isn't. I feel like I need a jolt. I need someone or something to wake me up. I need another boost.
This year has been so awful. I was laid off from the newspaper. My grandmother unexpectedly passed away. Kerrie & I got involved in a devastating situation that lasted almost six months. One of my friends was committed to a mental institution (twice). I drained out my savings. A hero in my life turned into a villain. Other shit here and there.
I'm trying to get back on track though. A close friend of mine, who is a producer at our local NPR station, gave me a freelancing gig, which is awesome. So I am keeping my brain busy and being a real journalist again. It doesn't pay the bills, but it gets me back in the game. I joined Jazzercise, so if I keep it up, the pounds should be shedding. I also joined a writing group, which has been a lifesaver for my project. I'm crossing my fingers that these things will turn my life around and make 2011 a great year for me. I can only hope.
Anyway, if you've read all of this until now, then you get the Awesome Award. I just wanted to update you on my well-being because I have gotten a few concerned e-mails from friends and readers lately.
And before I forget, here is the latest installment on my never-ending blogging game. You can read the details here.
Day Four: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1. Food (What am I gonna eat for lunch? What am I gonna eat for dinner? Should I have a snack tonight? Gee, I wonder why I gained 30 pounds this year?)
2. Money (mostly fantasizing about having some)
3. New words I can use in Scrabble (I am a sad, sad person)
4. Shopping (mostly wishing I could go)
5. My writing project (this actually never leaves my mind...does it count?)
6. My teeth (I...have no explanation for this. I'm sorry.)
7. James Franco (yummmmmmmmmy)
Well, there you have it. That's what it's like to be inside of my brain. Fan-fucking-tastic, isn't it?!? Sort of.
Anyway, I hope you all have a great week! Thank you for reading my incessant rambling! I have several more guest posts coming up for you crazy kids, so stay tuned!