Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Journalist. Mother. Bunny enthusiast. Pop culture junkie.

Friday, December 11, 2009

You've Got Mail

I am a reporter for a newspaper that has more than one million subscribers.

In other words, there are a lot of crazy people reading my stories.

Seriously, a lot of them.

I often get strange (to put it mildly) phone calls, voicemails, and e-mails from readers. I know I should be annoyed, but in this digital day and age, I am most often just grateful that these people even still read a newspaper to begin with.

They are so bizarre, I thought I would share some of the e-mails with you today. I will save the phone calls and voicemails for a later post. There are simply too many. Haha.

Please keep in mind these are all REAL.

(I am, however, keeping some of the more unusual names anonymous because I don't want these people to google themselves and see their letters. LOL)


Dear Jennifer,

I am a lonesome Englishman traveling along the African Savanna. It is not easy being among the wild beasts during this safari. While browsing on my laptop computer, I came across your story about the three-legged dog who was awarded a medal for his commendable bravery and I must say, dear Jennifer, it brought a tear to my eye. You are a remarkable writer. I do wish you could be with me out here in this native land. But I fear you are much too far away, pitter-pattering on your little type writer, I imagine.

Tally ho!

Ronald Longfellow


(Um, wtf?)



Dear Ms. ********,

I understand what happened at Virginia Tech yesterday was a tragedy. What I do not understand is why it made front page. People die every day. They are shot at every day. Yes it is terrible 30 kids died. My point is, you came out to our Girl Scout camp yesterday morning and told us the story would be on the front page. I was dismayed this morning to see that the Virgina Tech shooting story was there instead. Now I have 15 sad little girls who I have to console and I have to try to explain why you lied. Shootings happen all the time. Young girls donating their time and effort to make scarves for the elderly is not a usual occurrence. Perhaps you should go back to journalism school and decide what is really news.

Sincerely,

Tracy *******


(Wow. Just wow.)



Dear Ms. ********,

Wow! I just want to say that you are one sexy lady! I saw you covering the rib eating contest on Sunday afternoon. You looked AMAZING!!! I loved your red heels and your adorable skirt. It is so refreshing to see a young woman wearing hose these days too. You are so CLASSY! Keep up the great work!!!

Maybe we could go shopping sometime?!?!?!

Yours truly,

Tom Adams


(I was flattered but kind of scared.)



Dear Jennifer ********,

I have a confession to make. I am something of an Indophile. You see, I am obsessed with Indian people and Indian things. I noticed that your last name is Indian. It became clear to me that you must have married an Indian, so perhaps you are an Indophile like myself. Would you like to meet up and discuss Indian things some time?

Sincerely,

Kevin Robertson


(Gah!)



Dear Jennifer,

I was dismayed to read your article that the city of ********* **** is increasing the number of recycling centers in town. When are people going to LEARN that recycling is FAKE? There is no such thing as recycling. It is a myth. It is one of the greatest conspiracy theories ever created by the United States Government. The things people are "recycling" are actually going straight to the landfill. Cans, glass, newspaper are NOT BEING RECYCLED! There is no such thing. There is no such way to turn old things into new things.

I would like a follow up article from you telling your readers that there is no such thing as recycling. If I do not see the follow up article in a week, please cancel my subscription to the newspaper as it is clearly filled with LIES.

Sincerely,

John Williams


(I never wrote the follow-up article. I did write back telling him that in elementary school, I actually went on a field trip where my class was shown aluminum cans and bottles being recycled right before our eyes. He never wrote back...or cancelled his subscription).



(The following is actually a letter I received in the mail. Instead of putting my name on the envelope, the man actually cut out my columnist photo and pasted it there instead).


Dear Ms. ********,

I have top secret information. I am God. You must believe me. The mayor of ******* ******* is the devil. He is going to destroy the universe. I came back to earth to help humans survive during this rough time. I must see that he does not control us. I am having a concert on my front lawn on Wednesday. I will be performing with my dear friends, John Lennon and Elvis. I hope to see you there.

Love,

God


(This is the first of six letters I received from this man. He started sending my editor letters as well. They were all fairly similar, except longer because he started including several Bible quotes. One month later, he was arrested when he was found hiding underneath the back porch of a city councilwoman's house).



(The following e-mail is about a story I freelanced for an edgy, hip magazine intended for college or 20-something readers. This letter was literally three pages long, full of critique, so I am only sharing a few paragraphs).


Dear Ms. ********,

I have a few questions regarding your story about the heavy metal rock band. My first question, do you use AP style to write your stories? Because I noticed a few instances where the quotations were not correct. I am a high school journalist, you see, so I am used to looking for such things.

Your use of 'cuss' words is not very appropriate or conducive to your readers, many who are in high school or college and probably are not used to such language. Your use of the word 'damn' and your description of a musician as being 'badass' is not needed in this situation. A more politically correct term for 'badass' would be 'enforcer.' I think your readers will agree with me.

Think back to the first story you wrote. Was it good? Was it your best piece of writing? I can only presume that it was not, based on my own personal experience. I'm sure you've grown as a writer, one does not have the talent that you do right off the bat. But the journey that you have undergone is what these musicians are experiencing now. It's a learning period. I feel that was not portrayed correctly in this article.

Sincerely

Ashley *****


(Oh, so her being a high school journalist makes her above someone who is a former high school journalist, has a degree and a job where someone pays her to write? I should have done that to a journalist when I was in high school. "I am the editor-in-chief for my high school newspaper, you see, and I am used to seeing how bad everyone sucks. It is obvious you suck." LOL. I just couldn't believe she had the balls to send this shit to me. Someone clearly needs to get all 'enforcer' on that kid).

These e-mails are just a taste of what I get in my inbox every single day.

Crazy, right?

56 comments:

Leah said...

Awwwwww Jennifer, you live such an exciting life.

"I do wish you could be with me out here in this native land." - this is creepy.

But my favorite is the "I am God" email. That is hilarious.

Have a great weekend Jennifer.

Ela said...

Jen, I can no longer read your blog while I eat at my computer. Thanks for teaching me this lesson the hard way.

Oh my goodness so many nutties out there.

"Young girls donating their time and effort to make scarves for the elderly is not a usual occurrence." Um, actually Tracy, it happens all the time. It's wonderful and should be celebrated but please don't cry along with the sad little girls and brainwash them into thinking making scarves is more newsworthy than 30 people who loss their lives and all their families who have been affected, broken and grieving. I'm pretty sure murder is a crime and though NOT making scarves for the elderly would be somewhat tragic, I'm pretty sure the FBI isn't going to bust down your door and ask why you didn't make them.

Ashley, please stay in school. You clearly have a lot more to learn. But thank you for *enlightening* my "enforcer" friend Jen.

Tally ho, my lil Indophile!

And please be careful. Clearly, you need to!

Rachel said...

Wow. Just wow. Some of these are creepy! And the Tracy woman who was mad about the Virginia Tech shooting being on the front page sounds nuts. No offense to her, but the shooting is obviously bigger news than little girls making scarves.

I hadn't realized we weren't following each other either! Lol! I am following you now and adding you to my blog roll. :)

betz said...

wow jennifer, this made my day. i can imagine how fun your life is. when you get bored, you'll just check your mail then... goodbye boredom. the indophile really cracked me up. i'm like, what was he thinking???

and the letter from "God" is i don't know how to describe it. it's not new to me coz as a nurse, i've seen cases of severe delusions. but it must be a different experience receiving letters like that.

and scarves over shooting? seriously? wow.

thanks for sharing this jen. =)

daisychain said...

these made me laugh,
when I interned at a local newspaper I was in charge of dealing with all mail and some of the letters and e-mails were so funny (not anywhere near the gold that these are though!)

Cafe Fashionista said...

So I have an idea...I think you need to publish these letters in a book, because I honestly just fell out of my chair laughing so hard! It's truly unfair of you to keep these hidden away - they should be available for sale for the world to see!

And, ummm...the second letter (about Virginia Tech)...wow! That is...yeah.

By the way, just realized this minute that I wasn't following you on Google Friend Connect - I am now!! :)

Robin said...

You always post the most entertaining stuff! I get some dumb emails at my job, but these take the cake. The Virginia Tech one especially- my jaw dropped!

kpeach said...

omg and you totally know that hs girl who thinks she's already smarter then the worls, that is so funny. I love these. When I worked in tv I would get very similar emails-love it xo

Gerri Ward said...

OMG! I'm solely without words except YOU are Fabulous!:))
xoxox,
Gerri

Pop Champagne said...

hahaha! I like the I am God one the best! yeah everyone has an opinion... but they're all wrong compare to mine :D jk jk yeah totally agree about Mariah Carey's new music video if I can only look that good when I break up with someone! have a great weekend!

Nikosmommy said...

Hilarious!

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

I LOVE Weirdo’s and I am fascinated with human nature! Perhaps I should go into journalism! lol

I really enjoyed this and it confirms that we are surrounded my crazy people!

I'm still irritated with that Tracy bitch...I mean woman! Geez what a selfish idiot!

Have a great weekend sweet friend!

Tights Lover said...

These are both funny and disturbing! I can't believe some of the people you hear from...especially
God. You hear from God? I'm jealous!

Leia said...

LOL these are all HILARIOUS! I don't even know which one is funniest, or weirdest, or rudest! I guess weird readers is just pard of the journalist job description :P

Some Girl said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I can't breathe.

"I am God. You must believe me."

I think I just died.

Aquiles Damiron-Alcantara said...

This post made me laughed, but also made me angry lol.

1. Why would that guy think that you were Indian because of your husband?

2. How ignorant can one be? Recycling is a myth?!!! Sounds like Republicans and Global Warming hehe

3. What a stuck-up!! That kid who thinks he/she is better than a journalist should take a humility pill. Better yet, Jennifer, you should google his/her name, read some article written by this student, and send him/her a letter criticizing his writing :) !!!

Great post. You are extremely creative. You would be a perfect fit for TIME or The New Yorker.

Buenos deseos,
Aquiles

AVY said...

That's why I could never be a public figure, people are too f'in crazy... I can only imagine being stalked like that every day... scary shit.

lancelonie said...

That's "badass" right there... LOL!
Your job sounds exciting, dear. Do you ever get stressed with all these? :)

Have a great weekend, Ms. Fabulous! :)

Nina said...

Jennifer!

These letters really cracked me up. Seriously! There are soooo many crazy people out there.

What really had my head in a spin was the one by the high school editor/writer ... totally delusional and dare I say it, judgmental? One very significant thing one learns with maturity is to have tolerance for other people's opinions. It's called ... tah dah ... respect!

Nina

PS You are indeed FABULOUS!

PPS And yes, I'm following you too! Hold on ...

She Got Style said...

Wow! great u are a good writer. Must be lucky to have that million readers and commentor.

Dina's Days said...

Ohahaahahah the one from the Girl Scouts just KILLED me. All of these are beyond creepy.

Michael Kan said...

Haha, man I never got mail like that when I was working at the Star. (That's probably a good thing though.)

Amelia is... said...

These are hilarious, I would love to open my email each day to find such funny emails. x

Jen Ben said...

Jenny-Benny,

I've said it once and I will say it 100 times. This stuff, (as in many of your other blogs) is pure gold. Gold, I tell you! Rick and I laughed our asses off reading this one and millions of others would as well. You should publish books or a freelance newspaper with stories like this. Seriously, you have so much talent and we love you.

Love, the other Jenny Benny

p.s. Rick says that he is not a journalist, but that you should be ashamed that those girl scouts were not on the front page. How dare you. ;-)

Keith said...

OMG! These were so awesome. They had me laughing, smiling, you name it. I can't see how you can ever get bored. There are always these letters to crack you up at the weirdness, etc. of other people. Have a great weekend.

Couture Carrie said...

The recycling one is hysterical!

xoxox,
CC

مى said...

Jennifer, this was amazing. You're so lucky to be a journalist. I've been trying to get an internship to a paper for AGES. Literally. Apparently, I'm not "academically qualified". Ha! :D

I'm happy for you, you seem to love it. Despite the weird responses hehe

P.S.- you don't have to post on a friday *wink**wink* but come back later or else I'll know it was you :)


Much love <3

Melanie's Randomness said...

Uhhhh...wow. I can't believe the "I am God" ones & the lady with the girl scouts. Whoever said a journalist life was boring was wrong. I'm shocked girl. The first one tho with the guy traveling i liked that one. A lil creepy but cool. You are an amazing writer. I enjoy reading your posts so much & getting to know ya! That's also pretty cool that you get to interview people & go to all events. that's pretty cool. =)

I hope your having a good weekend!! =)

Barry said...

"Dear Jennifer,

I have been anonymously stalking you since you were eighteen years old in your previous life. You can pretend you're American all you want, but my son Morrissey (who used to be Harry Houdini) and I both know that you were actually born in Bombay India in 1847. If my calculator wasn't broken and I didn't suck at math I'd tell everyone your age, but suffice it to say I know you're REALLY fucking old and not the twenty-something you try to pass yourself off to be. So you can stop pretending because we see right through your antics, Miss Thang.

Through decades of covert research I have also discovered that, under the guise of working as a cute reporter, you are actually a Secret Government agent. Although you don't wear the tinfoil hat in public I think we can all agree it's pretty obvious. AND, it's also common knowledge that you're sending subliminal messages hidden in your writing both here and at your bogus "newspaper" (yeah, as-if), trying to enforce the American public to eat more lima beans. Because even your five illegitimate children will tell you that lima beans are good for you. If Elvis and Ernest Hemingway ate more lima beans they'd still be with us today. There's still a chance for you to see your 200th birthday if you follow this advice. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection
(formerly Audrey Hepburn)"


Wow, I kinda creeped MYSELF out writing this! Glad to see you back Jen, hope you and Rian are well.

Barry
<3

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou said...

umm, these are too funny. i had no idea people would be sending something like this.
kind of scary how strange people can be!!!
xox

Giovanna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Giovanna ♥ said...

Hi darling! Wow!! That's great that you reach so many people with your talent! Reading those letters was fun! Thanks for sharing them :)
Yeah! You're right we weren't following each other! Can't believe it!!! I love your blog! I'm following you right now :)

Thank you so much and please let me know if you'd like to exchange links on our blogrolls :)
Hope you're having a lovely weekend!
xoxo
Giovanna
www.bohomarket.blogspot.com

Andie said...

wow.
that is pretty cuhrazzyyyy
especially the second one, wth.

http://blair-waldork.blogspot.com

OceanDreams said...

Tally ho! Oh my goodness, these letters are remarkable, thanks for sharing them with us. I can't believe the lady and her comments about the shootings, clearly she has no soul. Hope you have a fantastic weekend sweetie, your job sounds like fun minus the crazy but I guess amusing fan letters. XO!

Miss Eve said...

I guess you never bored dear Jennifer LOL. That second letter is something...really I'm speechless.

Hope you have a lovely weekend, cheers: Evi

Miss Eve said...

I guess you never bored dear Jennifer LOL. That second letter is something...really I'm speechless.

Hope you have a lovely weekend, cheers: Evi

Missy said...

HA love these! your life seems great x

Missy
For all things fashion:
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Missy said...

Just passed you an award for being such a great blogging friend x

Missy
For all things fashion:
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sydnie said...

This is hilarious! Some of these letters actually made me laugh out loud ... classic! I wish I got exciting letters and emails such as these; although most of them are creepy, it at least gives you something to laugh about!

Sydnie
www.takemeouttotherunway.blogspot.com

mAdi*cakes said...

hahah I am cracking up at these letters. They are so weird! I am definately showing these to my friends

MJ said...

Haha, that's crazy. I love how nuts other people are!

http://dreamingspiresandoldcartyres.blogspot.com

bryna said...

omg. hilarious - you definitely get some nutjobs!

Phoebe Rose said...

These are hilarious, you've got some serious fans! You sound like you've got a great job :)

http://flowergirlfashion.blogspot.com/

Melanie's Randomness said...

Oh I love your last comment!! I read it out loud to my mom actually because it was so thoughtful. I love your writing too & you put it perfectly. Knowing that someone out there is going through similar things is just amazing. We really gotta do lunch one day. =)

Cate said...

okok some people are kind of crazy they just are crazy.

Couture Carrie said...

P.S. Thanks for your sweet comment, darling!

xoxox,
CC

Liliana Leon said...

Your blog is soo freekin cool! haha! I serously cant wait to read more!! :)

XOXO

your new follower,

liliana

lilianasays.blogspot.com

Barry said...

Hey congrats Jen-baby, I just noticed you hit 100 followers, yay! (Add to that all the creepy stalkers and you probably have about 257).

No need to ever feel alone with friends and fans around. :)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sher said...

Oh wow, there are quite a bit of nutters out there huh? I honestly find it so disturbing that there are actually breathing human beings who can still surprise you with their twisted sense of logic and creepy mindset! So sorry that you had to be the receiver of such letters!!

Imogen said...

I love this post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it all and it was very interesting. I liked the one about the high school journalist- totally agree with your comments.

Couture Cookie said...

I love all of these... so are you going shopping with Tom anytime soon? Or hanging out with Kevin to discuss "Indian things"?

LMAO, xoxoxox

Julie said...

My fav part was that hs and college kids are not used to cuss words

The Owl's Closet said...

wow, jennifer, these letters are CRAZY! lol it definitely keeps life interesting:D thx for sharing these with us:D i needed a good laugh today lol!

TheOwlsCloset.blogspot.com
Cleaning out my closet: ShopTheOwlsCloset.blogspot.com